OK so if I could choose to be anything in this whole world, I’d want to be a sensational sexy-goddessy breathtakingly-voiced singer. Alas, God has not given me the voice of a nightingale. I made it up to 7th Grade choir, then was booted out; flicked aside like an old afghan.
I picked up my shattered songbirdless soul from the pavement of shame, and invested in a hi-tech karaoke set when I was in Bangkok. And I henceforth croon to myself, or scream, depending on what I’m singing along to, on a regular basis of twice a week. I close my door, swig on something potent and sing until my epiglottis cannot take it anymore. Hoping that Mrs Goldstein, my [astute and nosy] neighbour will recognise my talent and phone up an agent in New York [much like the: Joey? It’s Estelle. line in Friends.]
In a cruel twist of fate, my characterless, bland-as-milk first cousin, whose one intent in life is to bore the pants off everybody, has landed herself a singing career in Spain.
What the fuck???
The last memories I have of this person who is unwittingly related to me, is how she'd show her report card to Granny and Granny would smile lovingly and slather "But-you-are-so-clever" compliments to the cousin. She'd look at mine and say something along the lines of: "Fucking around at school again, are we Laurian?"
Someone has voice-trained her, alongside four other [possibly equally dull] girls to sing in a group somewhere in Malaga, where they get:
1) free board
2) free meals
3) guaranteed three live shows a week
4) possible record deals
5) And they don't have to sing in Espanol
I could say I’m ecstatic for her, but then I’d be lying. I have no time for lies right now. I’m extremely discontent with this knowledge in fact.
I have a good mind to march over there [traipsing 10 000 miles across Africa indeed] and flitting onto the stage, singing “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow…Betcha Bottom Dollllllllr that Tomorrow….” [I'll even do it in Spansih for extra points: Manana! Manana! Ti amos! Manana!]
I’d steal the show.
And I’d be thrown in prison. And my family will give her all the inheritance.
Either way, this is a no-win situation. So not happy right now.