Wednesday, March 09, 2005

i may be dying from tequila poisoning

I have been run over, then re-reversed over, by a tequila truck.

Last night, I met a guy friend of mine at the Melrose Arch Hotel, made famous by Oprah, Richard Branson and Craig David, who stay there because it’s the shit.

The bar charges five-kajillion smackeroonis for a flimsy frothy, but then the bar is an outdoor extravaganza, surrounded by a maze of hedges, tables situated in a shallow Jacuzzi and beds with scatter pillows on which you may rest your weary body, or in my case, my inebriated torso. Face-down.

We drank so much tequila, I could swear that:
1) I am a Mexican in a South African body
2) My name is Juanita
3) I smoked 83 cigarettes last night and I have singed my tonsils
4) I’ve aged 400 years
5) There is nothing I can possibly even consider taking remotely seriously today, and the boss has already worked this out
6) Steve phoned me from Knysna (he’s there for work) and I’m pretty sure we had a conversation but I cannot for the life of me fathom what we spoke about. Or did we actually did speak at all? Too scared to ask

My office is eerily quiet. This is incredibly disconcerting right now.
And to make it worse, I’ve just had to get into my hot car and drive home to let the gas man in, only to tell me that my gas will be cut off unless I get a new oven. Today.

I opened my mouth to speak…but instantaneously intoxicated him with tequila vapours.

So I phone my crazy landlady and tell her that I need a new oven, and pronto.
Now back at the office, Chris the guy from down the hall, who never speaks, thinks I want him because I was shamelessly flirting with him in my tequila-drenched state, of which I have realised that I am still drunk.

He even showed me his little white legs. The girls in the office told me not to seduce this man because he's so shy. Oh contraire, say I. I think t he needs a bloody good seducement. But I refuse to look at him now, because I cannot see straight.

This day is deteriorating very quickly.


Blog ho said...

i vote for...seduce. tequila is the bane of all drinkers.

Ed Abbey said...

I think Bon Jovi said it best when he said, "Dying ain't much of a living."

Binsk said...

I know being in a hot car when you are hungover is the WORST. I always feel like throwing myself in a snowbank when I'm hungover...but there aren't too many snowbanks in South Africa are there Juanita?? :)

This is the second time I typed this because Blogger lost the first one. Stupid thing. I guess it's free though so I shouldn't complain. :)

Peas on Toast said...

Ho - Seducement [seduction?] and tequila go hand in hand. Every stupid sexual thing I have done is mostly due to tequila. Hear hear!

Ed - Yesterday I really thought I was the fragile thread hanging in between life and death....

Robin - Yes, a snowbank! Oh god how I wanted a snowbank! Just to cool down my soaring temperature and fiery Junaitaesque temperament!

Two | Face said...

Good morning hope you're feeling a bit better and that you don't have to turn you face when you talk incase you intoxicate people.

Peas on Toast said...

gOOD MOrning! Why is blogger so slow this morning? It's driving me crazy! I'm feeling much better this morning, after a nice long session with Club Duvet.

Ho - I'm reading your blog promise, but I can't leave comments, because my stupid company gives me this "Access Denied" sign everytime I try. Just know that I'm a sordid fan, ok?

Two | Face said...

I had it lastnight as well, had to post the same story twice since I pressed publish the first time and went to have a look and it wasn't there. So now before I publish I copy everything press the post button and see if it's there.