Friday, June 10, 2005

warning - fart talk ensues

As slapstick as it is, I just love toilet humour. Got e-mailed this [disgusting] little gem the other day. I'm horrified to say that I know these people. This is a bona-fide copy of their cyber conversation (warning - not for people who don't find farts funny/mature people)

Adrian: Anthony is enjoying a poo.
Caroline: huh?
Caroline: is he pooing right now?
Adrian: yip he went for a crap
Caroline:thats delightful.
Adrian: he's punishing the toilets
Caroline: Do you guys chat about each others bowel movements all the time, or just in this case? Taking small talk to a new level?
Adrian: pretty much when anyone goes for a shit in this office it's 'was that spongy', what colour, floaters versus sinkers, etc.
Caroline: right. why the incessant obsession with other people's crap?
Caroline: cos, I really would prefer not to know if you had "hangover black" or "nut n corn crunch"
Adrian: my colleagues are looking at me funny, cos I am laughing my ass off
Caroline: tell them what we're talking about, I DARE YOU
Adrian: no chance
Caroline: It would guarentee a certain amount of halarity on your part
Adrian: I will pay you fifty rand if you do.
Adrian: nope
Caroline:"Say Charlotte, guess what?" Charlotte: "What Adrian?" "Anthony is doing a shit right as we speak. And it's probably going to be baby green."
Adrian: I am supposed to be managing these fuckers.
Caroline: Either she will fall off the chair, vomit or act dumbfounded for 5 seconds
Adrian: the latter
Adrian: satan, get thee behind me
Caroline: I'm here! I'm here!
Adrian: Then there;s the fact that I ate beans for lunch. bwarrrp.
Caroline: well my boyfriend warms the bed for me like that. he really is such a gentleman.
Caroline: puts my needs first, by warming the bed for me in a giant display of warm hot air.
Adrian: a dutch oven.
Adrian: and then he has to suffer the stink of his own fart? all for you?
Caroline: puddy rub. ever had one of those?
Adrian: puddy rub ?
Caroline: a dutch oven is childs play in comparison to a puddy rub, mate.
Caroline: a puddy rub is a whole new level altogether,
Adrian: what does it entail?
Caroline: you wouldn't puddy rub your worst enemy, lets put it that way. My boyfriend did it to me once, when he was drunk. I nearly suffocated, and believe me, it's not a dignified way to die.
Caroline: It was a cold winters night,
Caroline: I was sleeping peacefully in our bed,
Caroline: when
Caroline: suddenly
Adrian: BWWARRRRRRRRRRPPPPPPPPPPPP ! ! ! !
Caroline: he stumbles in after too many beers at the local.
Caroline: I was sleeping face up
Caroline: He undressed, and jumped on me
Caroline: pressing his buttcheeks
Caroline: into my face
Caroline: and farted, resoundingly, into my nose and other orifices.
Adrian: SHEESH
Caroline: I might've broken up with him that night, in a fit of frustration and bewilderment
Adrian: That's rough
Adrian: Do that to your wife at your own peril.
Adrian: why the fuck would he do that to you? It's suicide!
Caroline: because he thought it was funny. looking back it was.
Caroline: He also gave his little brother one.
Caroline: ever had a cup cake?
Adrian: what the fuck?
Caroline: my god, I really am teaching you more about the Kama Sutra of farting techniques arent I?
Caroline: Cup cakes are easy: no mess no fuss.
Adrian: was he naked when he puddy rubbed you ?
Caroline: the whole thing with a puddy is that you are naked, yes
Adrian: that's the grossest thing i've ever heard
Caroline: but now back to the cup cakes
Adrian: ok
Caroline: no mess no fuss, probably will have a wife after the deed. puddy rubs will leave you single, guaranteed
Caroline: so cup cakes: wait for a large whoomp of air to gather in the lower regions of your rectal activity
Adrian: yes?
Caroline: are you listening carefully?
Adrian: yip?
Caroline: Now, as it is about to release - and you want to rate this on the stench - not the velocity - its all about stench here, not momentum got it?
Adrian: yes?
Caroline: you gently take you r right hand, and cup your bumhole in an embracing action, and fart into the hand. Squeeze hand tightly, straight thereafter to retain smell
Adrian: oh wait, done that before
Caroline: walk up to somebody, like say your colleagues, and put said hand over their nose and mouth.
Caroline: but dont delay - smell disappears fast - the sooner the better. Follow the five second rule.
Caroline: Once again, I dare you. Are you gonna step up to the plate?
Adrian: once again, no
Caroline: i am so recording this conversation.
Adrian: so far, dutch ovens, cupcakes and ?
Caroline: the ever forboding puddy rub
Adrian: do a fart column, come on
Adrian: like ones where people let out a little fart with each step they take
Caroline: yes, like my grandmother. "Every step you take" brings on new meaning

5 comments:

Third World Ant said...

Whoah, psychic! I've been letting silent but violent ones loose all day long.

c'mon now, tell the truth: caroline=you; adrian=steve.

Blog ho said...

oh! i so wish I had been a part of that chat.

janie q said...

my son would die of laughter if i let him see this, i'll have to think about that one!

Binsk said...

I don't fart...is that weird?

Peas on Toast said...

Third World Ant - I am proud to say that yes steve and I fart in front of each other - but no, we do not have these chats. WE should though. Would really add sprak to our relationship. Adrian is Adrian and Caroline is...I can't tell you ;)

Ho - I'm pretty certain that that conversation would've been oodles better with you in it. With your knowledge and expertise in this area, they could've published a book.

Janie - Yay! He finds farts funny too! :)

Binsk - I'm sorry my dear, but I just don't believe you. Or if you really telling the truth, then that is wierd. Are you serious? YOu never fart? Not even a little?