Friday, June 10, 2005

warning - fart talk ensues

As slapstick as it is, I just love toilet humour. Got e-mailed this [disgusting] little gem the other day. I'm horrified to say that I know these people. This is a bona-fide copy of their cyber conversation (warning - not for people who don't find farts funny/mature people)

Adrian: Anthony is enjoying a poo.
Caroline: huh?
Caroline: is he pooing right now?
Adrian: yip he went for a crap
Caroline:thats delightful.
Adrian: he's punishing the toilets
Caroline: Do you guys chat about each others bowel movements all the time, or just in this case? Taking small talk to a new level?
Adrian: pretty much when anyone goes for a shit in this office it's 'was that spongy', what colour, floaters versus sinkers, etc.
Caroline: right. why the incessant obsession with other people's crap?
Caroline: cos, I really would prefer not to know if you had "hangover black" or "nut n corn crunch"
Adrian: my colleagues are looking at me funny, cos I am laughing my ass off
Caroline: tell them what we're talking about, I DARE YOU
Adrian: no chance
Caroline: It would guarentee a certain amount of halarity on your part
Adrian: I will pay you fifty rand if you do.
Adrian: nope
Caroline:"Say Charlotte, guess what?" Charlotte: "What Adrian?" "Anthony is doing a shit right as we speak. And it's probably going to be baby green."
Adrian: I am supposed to be managing these fuckers.
Caroline: Either she will fall off the chair, vomit or act dumbfounded for 5 seconds
Adrian: the latter
Adrian: satan, get thee behind me
Caroline: I'm here! I'm here!
Adrian: Then there;s the fact that I ate beans for lunch. bwarrrp.
Caroline: well my boyfriend warms the bed for me like that. he really is such a gentleman.
Caroline: puts my needs first, by warming the bed for me in a giant display of warm hot air.
Adrian: a dutch oven.
Adrian: and then he has to suffer the stink of his own fart? all for you?
Caroline: puddy rub. ever had one of those?
Adrian: puddy rub ?
Caroline: a dutch oven is childs play in comparison to a puddy rub, mate.
Caroline: a puddy rub is a whole new level altogether,
Adrian: what does it entail?
Caroline: you wouldn't puddy rub your worst enemy, lets put it that way. My boyfriend did it to me once, when he was drunk. I nearly suffocated, and believe me, it's not a dignified way to die.
Caroline: It was a cold winters night,
Caroline: I was sleeping peacefully in our bed,
Caroline: when
Caroline: suddenly
Caroline: he stumbles in after too many beers at the local.
Caroline: I was sleeping face up
Caroline: He undressed, and jumped on me
Caroline: pressing his buttcheeks
Caroline: into my face
Caroline: and farted, resoundingly, into my nose and other orifices.
Adrian: SHEESH
Caroline: I might've broken up with him that night, in a fit of frustration and bewilderment
Adrian: That's rough
Adrian: Do that to your wife at your own peril.
Adrian: why the fuck would he do that to you? It's suicide!
Caroline: because he thought it was funny. looking back it was.
Caroline: He also gave his little brother one.
Caroline: ever had a cup cake?
Adrian: what the fuck?
Caroline: my god, I really am teaching you more about the Kama Sutra of farting techniques arent I?
Caroline: Cup cakes are easy: no mess no fuss.
Adrian: was he naked when he puddy rubbed you ?
Caroline: the whole thing with a puddy is that you are naked, yes
Adrian: that's the grossest thing i've ever heard
Caroline: but now back to the cup cakes
Adrian: ok
Caroline: no mess no fuss, probably will have a wife after the deed. puddy rubs will leave you single, guaranteed
Caroline: so cup cakes: wait for a large whoomp of air to gather in the lower regions of your rectal activity
Adrian: yes?
Caroline: are you listening carefully?
Adrian: yip?
Caroline: Now, as it is about to release - and you want to rate this on the stench - not the velocity - its all about stench here, not momentum got it?
Adrian: yes?
Caroline: you gently take you r right hand, and cup your bumhole in an embracing action, and fart into the hand. Squeeze hand tightly, straight thereafter to retain smell
Adrian: oh wait, done that before
Caroline: walk up to somebody, like say your colleagues, and put said hand over their nose and mouth.
Caroline: but dont delay - smell disappears fast - the sooner the better. Follow the five second rule.
Caroline: Once again, I dare you. Are you gonna step up to the plate?
Adrian: once again, no
Caroline: i am so recording this conversation.
Adrian: so far, dutch ovens, cupcakes and ?
Caroline: the ever forboding puddy rub
Adrian: do a fart column, come on
Adrian: like ones where people let out a little fart with each step they take
Caroline: yes, like my grandmother. "Every step you take" brings on new meaning


Third World Ant said...

Whoah, psychic! I've been letting silent but violent ones loose all day long.

c'mon now, tell the truth: caroline=you; adrian=steve.

Blog ho said...

oh! i so wish I had been a part of that chat.

janie q said...

my son would die of laughter if i let him see this, i'll have to think about that one!

Binsk said...

I don't that weird?

Peas on Toast said...

Third World Ant - I am proud to say that yes steve and I fart in front of each other - but no, we do not have these chats. WE should though. Would really add sprak to our relationship. Adrian is Adrian and Caroline is...I can't tell you ;)

Ho - I'm pretty certain that that conversation would've been oodles better with you in it. With your knowledge and expertise in this area, they could've published a book.

Janie - Yay! He finds farts funny too! :)

Binsk - I'm sorry my dear, but I just don't believe you. Or if you really telling the truth, then that is wierd. Are you serious? YOu never fart? Not even a little?