Feeling angry? Resentful? Need a good line to shut the person up who is making you feel this way? Look no further. Welcome to Bona Fide Bitch.
(It might also be that I was diagnosed with first stage pneumonia on Friday, and because I felt like I was dying, was in a severly grumpy and emotional mood. But thank God for anti-biotics.)
Disclaimer: Using these one liners may get you punched in the face. These lines are personal, aimed at an ex, so you can variate them to suit your own needs. (eg: “Your head looks like a mushroom” might not pack the punch if your hated one has a head like a normal person.) The bitterness seen in these one liners is wonderfully released and eradicated once finished. Use with caution.
1) Oh yeah? Well your head looks like a mushroom. No, in fact, you wish your head looks like a mushroom. It in fact looks like a golf ball.
2) It’s OK that you have a small penis. Just buy a larger car or something.
3) I cannot believe I slept with someone with one testicle.
4) And yes, everybody knows.
5) Your haircut, that you think makes you look ‘mean’ actually accentuates the golf ball-spheroidness of your really, really round head.
6) I’m a slapper?! I’m a slapper? You got arrested on a beach in Cancun for slapping your miniscule willy around!
7) ‘Slapper’ would mean that I sleep around. I’m so glad you think I have the capability to do that. Flattering really.
8) Of course our relationship was purely physical. I don’t have anything in common with you.
9) I’d rather stick my face in a vat of tile grouting than have to listen to you talk about yourself all day everyday.
10) You’re more intelligent than your father? Wow, what a superhero.
11) Our relationship was too focussed on sex? Where’s the problem? Are you gay?
12) I’d rather eat haggis than imagine what I did with you.
13) You need to work on some serious bedroom technique. Start with taking your socks off.
14) You don’t need to blame your Bubba Lip on your shellfish allergy.
15) How about a bowl of prawns?
16) At least you know that you need a serious overhaul. Judging from the fact that you read more self-help books than Bridget Jones.
17) You didn’t make it into Idols! So stop telling everyone you did! Who the fuck are you kidding? I saw you – you danced around in a cabaret suit, singing Frank Sinatra at an international pop competition on primetime TV. Then you argued with the judges when they told you to go back to New Orleans.
18) For someone who talks about having oodles of cash, you sure don’t spend like it.
19) OK, you make mineprops as a living. Sometimes you design pool pumps. How does that make you irresistible?
20) You need to see somebody about those mood swings. And the ferocity of your farts.
21) Yes, when you said “I prefer to make love, not shag” I nearly retched.
22) Saying that I want your friend means that you are psychologically delusional. Asking your friend if we are together makes you clinically insane.
23) You kissed your best friend’s girlfriend. And I’m going to tell him.
24) Telling every male friend of yours to give me one doesn’t only make you a pimp, it makes you look like a pathetic person with way too much time on your hands.
25) Calling your penis a ‘knob’ is no coincidence.
26) How many times do I have to say it: you spit when you talk. And not a little bit. You shower innocent strangers with a forge of spittle every time you open your mouth.
27) Doing ten sit-ups before going to a night club does not make you look more buff.
28) Tucking your shirt into your pants at a cool-people party makes you look like Donald Trump.
29) Dude, you need to scrub your hands once in a while. Also deodorant may be an option. ‘Minging’ just doesn’t explain it.
30) Encouraging me to do coke makes you very high school.
31) Bad mouthing your sister, who happens to be fantastic, makes you a person with deep psychological hang-ups.
32) There’s no way in HELL I’d ever have left Steve for you.
33) Your motto of ‘everyone should be a leader,’ makes you sound like Stalin.
34) I have a website documenting the tininess of your penis. There are people in America right now who know exactly how small you really are.
35)I find it strange that your parents called you Dick.
36) You’re a selfish, self-centered, golf ball headed, mineprop-making, gorilla-walking, homophobic, schizophrenic, past-your-prime, calculator-carrying, cheapskate, one-balled, scrotum-breath mo fo.
Ah, how much better I feel.
Sometimes bringing out your bitchy side does wonders for the karma.