Monday, June 27, 2005

Welcome to Bona Fide Bitch Inc.

Feeling angry? Resentful? Need a good line to shut the person up who is making you feel this way? Look no further. Welcome to Bona Fide Bitch.

(It might also be that I was diagnosed with first stage pneumonia on Friday, and because I felt like I was dying, was in a severly grumpy and emotional mood. But thank God for anti-biotics.)

Disclaimer: Using these one liners may get you punched in the face. These lines are personal, aimed at an ex, so you can variate them to suit your own needs. (eg: “Your head looks like a mushroom” might not pack the punch if your hated one has a head like a normal person.) The bitterness seen in these one liners is wonderfully released and eradicated once finished. Use with caution.

1) Oh yeah? Well your head looks like a mushroom. No, in fact, you wish your head looks like a mushroom. It in fact looks like a golf ball.
2) It’s OK that you have a small penis. Just buy a larger car or something.
3) I cannot believe I slept with someone with one testicle.
4) And yes, everybody knows.
5) Your haircut, that you think makes you look ‘mean’ actually accentuates the golf ball-spheroidness of your really, really round head.
6) I’m a slapper?! I’m a slapper? You got arrested on a beach in Cancun for slapping your miniscule willy around!
7) ‘Slapper’ would mean that I sleep around. I’m so glad you think I have the capability to do that. Flattering really.
8) Of course our relationship was purely physical. I don’t have anything in common with you.
9) I’d rather stick my face in a vat of tile grouting than have to listen to you talk about yourself all day everyday.
10) You’re more intelligent than your father? Wow, what a superhero.
11) Our relationship was too focussed on sex? Where’s the problem? Are you gay?
12) I’d rather eat haggis than imagine what I did with you.
13) You need to work on some serious bedroom technique. Start with taking your socks off.
14) You don’t need to blame your Bubba Lip on your shellfish allergy.
15) How about a bowl of prawns?
16) At least you know that you need a serious overhaul. Judging from the fact that you read more self-help books than Bridget Jones.
17) You didn’t make it into Idols! So stop telling everyone you did! Who the fuck are you kidding? I saw you – you danced around in a cabaret suit, singing Frank Sinatra at an international pop competition on primetime TV. Then you argued with the judges when they told you to go back to New Orleans.
18) For someone who talks about having oodles of cash, you sure don’t spend like it.
19) OK, you make mineprops as a living. Sometimes you design pool pumps. How does that make you irresistible?
20) You need to see somebody about those mood swings. And the ferocity of your farts.
21) Yes, when you said “I prefer to make love, not shag” I nearly retched.
22) Saying that I want your friend means that you are psychologically delusional. Asking your friend if we are together makes you clinically insane.
23) You kissed your best friend’s girlfriend. And I’m going to tell him.
24) Telling every male friend of yours to give me one doesn’t only make you a pimp, it makes you look like a pathetic person with way too much time on your hands.
25) Calling your penis a ‘knob’ is no coincidence.
26) How many times do I have to say it: you spit when you talk. And not a little bit. You shower innocent strangers with a forge of spittle every time you open your mouth.
27) Doing ten sit-ups before going to a night club does not make you look more buff.
28) Tucking your shirt into your pants at a cool-people party makes you look like Donald Trump.
29) Dude, you need to scrub your hands once in a while. Also deodorant may be an option. ‘Minging’ just doesn’t explain it.
30) Encouraging me to do coke makes you very high school.
31) Bad mouthing your sister, who happens to be fantastic, makes you a person with deep psychological hang-ups.
32) There’s no way in HELL I’d ever have left Steve for you.
33) Your motto of ‘everyone should be a leader,’ makes you sound like Stalin.
34) I have a website documenting the tininess of your penis. There are people in America right now who know exactly how small you really are.
35)I find it strange that your parents called you Dick.
36) You’re a selfish, self-centered, golf ball headed, mineprop-making, gorilla-walking, homophobic, schizophrenic, past-your-prime, calculator-carrying, cheapskate, one-balled, scrotum-breath mo fo.

Ah, how much better I feel.
Sometimes bringing out your bitchy side does wonders for the karma.


Stephanie said...

I thought 20 and 33 were pretty great. As a Canadian I will find anything involving farts funny...

I am so tempted to let my inner bitch out too after the harrassment I had to put up with last night, but I have made the decision to watch my language so I am holding back. All I can say is that the words delusional, f*%*wit, c*%!, bastard, evil, demented and sociopath would have been used liberally.

Peas on Toast said...

Awesome. AS I said, and this especially applies to you Steph, you are welcome to use any of the above to put your ex in his place.

What happened to you last night? I'm checking your blog now to see if you've written about it.

Stephanie said...

Will blog about my trip to planet f*&*wit later on. It was surreal. One minute I was talking to a sane person about Batman Begins and the next I was having to defend my friend against accusations of being my "pimp". He seems to think that I am shagging my way through all of south-eastern England with the cunning help of friends. Totally messed up.

Back to your list. It rocked (as do you). I will definitely keep #20 in my mind for future use. :)

Peas on Toast said...

Your ex thinks you're shagging your way through England? Well mine thinks I'm shagging my way through South Africa. What is UP with these people? I just don't get it.
1) They were the ones that fucked up, so therefore they shouldnt care who we shag anyway
2) It's none of their business
3) They are the one's that can't keep their willy's in their pants
4) Do they have day jobs??

Better Safe Than Sorry said...

maybe you should cross stitch one of these onto a tea towel! feeling the love and loving the karma

(aka janie q)

Peas on Toast said...

A tea towel applique! THat would be hot stuff, I love it!

Which would look better in curly stitching, number 1 or number 20?

zuzula said...

you kick ass girl! go you :) i've got myself into a bit of a situation that I can't even blog about at the mo... but I will be printing these out as potential ammunition! ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks dear! But do tell, please! You can't tell hal secrets, it's terribly unfair yo know.
Are you hooking up with the ex again?
More importantly, is his head shaped like a mushroom? ;)

zuzula said...

It's really annoying not being able to write about it! I've kind of let things get a bit complicated with someone who is supposed to be a friend but who, I suspect, is about to break my heart :(

Nettie said...

Heh, stitch number 20. It amused me.

Blog ho said...

i hate this bastard. i hated him before, but now...really really hate.

Binsk said...

Glad you got that out Laurian!!!

Especially this:

"I’d rather stick my face in a vat of tile grouting than have to listen to you talk about yourself all day everyday."

Glad you purged!!!

Oh and Stephanie...I am a Canadian that hates everything to do with the F word. I don't (ha), and I don't want anyone else to, but unfortuantely we all do :)

Peas on Toast said...

Zuzula - if you suspect he's going to break your heart, get in there way before him. I suspected this with Ex and he did it just before I was planning to end it. I hope it works out doll.

Nettie - I'm glad you all like number 20. Number 2 was my personal favourite.

Ho - Having you hate him means that I love you. His address is this, in case you want to do something nasty to him: 56 Greenway, Greenside, Johannesburg.

Binsk - Comparing terrible stuff to tile grouting is one of my things at the moment.