Wednesday, January 25, 2006

losing oneself

It's been a long time since I felt the motions of falling in love with someone, and as lovely as it is, it is rather disconcerting.

One reason: you have no control.
I am a control freak, and have been perfectly in control of my destiny pretty much my whole life until now. Not to say that I've never been in love before - Christ I really have - but somehow this is different. I cannot remember who I was before I met Small Bum. Sweeping statement? I even checked my blog archives to read up on myself to try to get in touch. It's like I've lost myself. I've lost touch with reality, my head isn't on straight, I'm freaking out because I don't know how his head is at this stage and if it's the same place as mine, and quite frankly: I'm scared to death.

It's like a whole chunk of me has been replaced by lust, longing and some strange force. I sound like a 15-year old, but I don't feel like one. I know his imperfections, but that's why he's perfect. Because in my last relationships, the imperfections were things like dark complexities, insecurity, bastardry, mood swings. Small Bum is just a nice, awesome, uncomplex guy. How is this possible?? I feel like the baggage carrier here.

Shit, shit, shit. I need to go and get hammered with my mates and get all rah-rah. I think I will do this tonight.


Christopher said...

You deserve all of this.


November Rain said...

To find yourself you must first loose yourself

So follow a star that is never fixed and always moving

To find the wealth

of friendship and new ideas from lands worth exploring

and to define who you truely are

rather than what they expect you to be

and then shine as bright as this star

and truely let your spirit be free

Copyright © 2001

loosing control is good it is only then can we answer who am i

Blondie said...

bastardry...I'm going to steal that word from you. Too funny!! :)

Better Safe Than Sorry said...

i know it's scary, cuz you don't know what's going to happen and you have to take a chance to open your heart and hope it doesn't get trampled. but oh that feeling, it makes taking a chance so worth it.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks guys. I guess I just gotta roll with it hey? ;)