Tuesday, February 07, 2006

getting personal

This is perhaps not something discussed very much on the start of a new relationship.

Farting.

You try and appear as perfect as possible within the first couple of months. Therefore your bathroom habits become null and void. I don't even like peeing when Small Bum is in my flat. I always have perfume sprayed in the appropriate places, and I am still wearing my best underwear. I only thing he really knows about my bio-rhythyms is when I am on, and even then, he doesn't know much - just that I get cramps.

In my last relationship, and this is because I lived with the guy, and because we saw each other for a looong time, it was practically normal to, um, pass wind within close proximity of each other.

I don't want that in this relationship. Ever. And for now, it's taking its toll. If we say, go out, and then come back to my place together, by the end of the night I am so bloated from holding everything in, I could pretty much take off like a hot air balloon.
Then I have to hold it in for another 8 hours while we sleep. The next morning, I am MOST uncomfortable.

Except, now I wake up horrified during the night, because - and how do I put this without sounding crass - I wake up because I farted in my sleep. Not loudly mind you, but I know it happened. Does he know? Probably, I don't know, but nice, perfect ladies don't ever do this!

I've already told him that we must never do this in front of each other to keep some sort of romantic thread alive, especially after a while together.

Do I leave the room? Do I go for a brisk walk?
Am I the only one in the world that is having this untimely problem?

All I can do really is hope that it goes away when I start to relax. In the meantime, I shave every single day, wear new underwear and smell like a bunch of roses.
Women insecurities are the pits.

10 comments:

The Toothfairy said...

Ship and I have been together a year now and I still feel uncomfortable breaking wind in front of him. He, however, has no problem whatsoever breaking wind in front of me. It's most unpleasant!!

Peas on Toast said...

Howdy Toothfairy!

It's funny, guys have no problems with it: whether we want to hear it or not. And that's why I don't want to do it. My last boyfriend used to do it every morning as he woke up, incidentally waking me up. It was rather romantic.

And as they say: once you let it out, it's pretty hard to take it back or discontinue from there.

I'm guessing I'll be a hot ballooon forever so I might as well get used to it.

Third World Ant said...

I still think the romance lost through farting in front of your other half is less significant than the comfortableness and trust gained from being able to perform normal bodily functions in front of them. I'm not saying you should aim to fart in his face every time, but you should not be "anal retentive" - at the expense of your personal comfort - just so you and he can deny you do what normal people do daily!

Peas on Toast said...

It's going to happen eventually Ant. Something's gotta give. Someone's gonna blow. And I'm not sure how he is holding it in willy-nilly, but it's gonna happen for me.

But girls don't poo. So I'll never ever ever do that in front of him. Evah.

November Rain said...

fire and I have been married 7 years and when I first met him I wouldnt eat because of fear I might have gas and then OMG


this went on for sometime then it happened and I was trying to be so as if it didnt but at some point you become most relaxed and not bother when it happens not that you are trying to do it like on him everytime just that when it happend niether of you really get all weird


that is when lust becomes love when even though a smelly toot got pass
he stills sees you as his lovely proper lady

Better Safe Than Sorry said...

i've been married over 25 years, have delivered three kids in front of my husband, he's seen it all, but i have never ever farted in front of him. i hardly have any gas at all, maybe it's something in your diet that is causing this?

Third World Ant said...

yes Peas, could it be something in your diet? Could it be the endless stream of chips & dip, 2-minute noodles, vodka/cane?

I think better safe than sorry might have hit the nail on the head!

Billy said...

No comment.

Peas on Toast said...

Ant - OK so we all at the drive-in, and we all ate the same things, right? Chicken, chip and dip, wine, sandwiches.
Did you get gas?

Better Safe than Sorry - Yip, it's possibly my diet....:)

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - I thought as much :)