Friday, February 17, 2006

mum's the word

Besides the loving up on Valentine's Day, and the hammering at the Colony this weekend, there were more concerning events at hand that went down this weekend.

Much more concerning.

My mother thinks I'm a sex maniac.

Let me explain. I am a sex maniac, that I cannot deny. But there are some things in every sacred mother-daughter relationship that should just go unseen.

She popped in for tea on Sunday at 10:00am, just about the time I got back to my own flat, still dressed in the clothes from the night before. I looked like a recently sodomised badger, so she was somewhat charmed to say the least.

Third World Ant and I had left our recently acquired porn carelessly on the coffee table. Too late, she saw 'Horny Housewives' and 'Wet Cotton Panties 2' before we could remove these.

She also saw condoms on my night stand. Not ordinary condoms mind you, because that would be too easy. Rough Riders. Holy crap.

Then, as if it doesn't get worse, she saw my dildo. My lumo pink Bushwacker 3 000. She leant over to look at the book I am reading - a literary prose about a London prostitute - and the thing could've slapped her in the face.

She didn't say a word. How could she? She probably went home and had an aboplexy. I cannot look at her.

And I'll bet my next salary cheque that Dad got a phonecall as well.

Moral: Hide your sex life away at all times. Bury it. Never let your guard down. Ever.


sheldon said...


...but you do realize that your mom could be reading this right now too?

Never underestimate the incredibly investigative resourcefulness of the ol' lady!

Peas on Toast said...

Sheldon - As amusing as that could be, I am pretty 99,9% recurring sure that she has no idea what a blog is. It took her a year to learn how to sms on her cell phone.

But again, I wouldn't bet my life on it. You never know. "Hey...I know this person! Peas is my daughter!?"

Billy said...

Classic. I sympathize but i also find it hilariously funny.

Martin said...

Don't I just wish my girlfriend was a freak like you.. mm mmm mm (can't remember the rest).

Seriously, I wouldn't blame your mom if she did the "seeking help" thing for you - expect a polite "I made an appointment for you with this lovely lady..." soon, I'd guess.

You should support Cake - go check out their stuff...

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - Well I couldn't stop giggling that's for sure! :)

Martin - Yip everyone wishes they were a freak like me really. ;) I do support Cake my dear.
Perhaps I should bring my mum up to speed on it? :)

The Toothfairy said...

ooooh dear. that must have been embarrassing. i'm sure my mum thinks i'm still a virgin!!

Peas on Toast said...

You know Toothfairy, I'm pretty sure, even though my mum has definitive reason to believe otherwise, that she thought I was a virgin til Sunday as well.

Even if I told her I'd had sex, she wouldn't believe it, I'm sure. But not now. It's allllll changed.