Tuesday, March 14, 2006

it’s this crazy

The drama continues. In a strange and coincidental twist of hypocritical bigotry, it would appear that my ex S has found himself a squeeze to latch himself onto.

While I suffered guilt and pain on his behalf, after him indulging in the ludicrous details of my sex life on this blog, he has shacked up with a close and common acquaintance of ours. Believe it. Because it’s true.

I’ve holidayed with this bitch, I love(d) and know her parents, and she knows our history oh too well. Her father painted us a picture of a scene from our loved-up Thailand holiday for God’s sake, and until Friday evening, this was hanging in my bedroom. And it would seem that this matters not.

He’s fucking my friend.

Regrettably, I have no inclination to find out how long this has been going on for, but I’ve always been suspicious. Something I couldn’t put my finger on. Chemistry, perhaps. And now those previously paranoid suspicions have come to the fore. Lesson here: if you’re suspicious someone is lying to you/is cheating on you, you are probably right.

He doesn’t know Small Bum. At least that much is gratifying for the little fucker.
It hit me like a ten tonne train, I’m angry. Very very angry. But also relieved. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve been a nice ex girlfriend. I am dating outside of our regular friendship circle, I’ve kept in touch and I’ve tried to protect him.
So in order to stop the madness, my mates, Small Bum and I went to a party organised by a friend of mine in town on Friday.

It was lovely – set in a warehouse at the dingy end of Selby, complete with drag queens, 50s-style furniture and jumping castles.
I popped the bloody thing in my spike heels. My bad. But it was a slow puncture, so nobody arrested me.

Then just as I was half-undressed, ready to go about my bathing ablutions on Saturday night, the shower exploded in my face. And flooded the bathroom. The pipe burst in a gunshot loud pop.

After getting back from a tango dancing play with my parents and half-showered, I went to a family reunion dinner at Small Bum’s house, and got shitfaced with his immediate relatives. His are a conservative bunch, so generally I won’t have more than one glass of wine there. But give them a bottle or two of wine, and this all changes. We spoke about penis enlargements, Viagra and mine and Small Bum’s Valentine’s splash in the family hot tub. It was good.

I had sex four times this weekend. Guilt-free.

21 comments:

Rays said...

OOOOHHHMY... that's not good. Yes - I agree you were the decent ex! So is this the 'close' friend from your christmas holidays? (The cleavage one?)

Peas on Toast said...

No, not from these Christmas holidays.

Although, she was in Mozambique during this time, staying in a lodge not less than 50 metres away. And she does have big boobs. Bitch.

The more I think of it, the sick I feel.

Third World Ant said...

No no no, the more you think of it, the better you feel - for being the better person, for moving on to bigger and better things (and a far, far, far better boyfriend), and for having way more personality than Ms Big Boobs. So there!

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks babe. It is like a torture device really. I think of it, my blood pressure hits the ceiling, I get angry, then I shift to other stuff.

Although Big Boobed Bitch has a bubbly personality, let's face it.

Rays said...

Big boobs are SO overrated! And remember, in about 10 years time (and 10 years goes by VERY quickly!) big boobs don't look half as good as us handfuls! ;)

A cup and a half thanks!

Billy said...

I agree on the decent ex thing too.
You will be fine, concentrate on the fact hat you have SB to curlup next to and shag rotten. Who the ex is with will always hurt a little but its would be normal if it didnt.

Peas on Toast said...

Rays - I like you. Because you make me proud of my lovin' booby handfuls.
Shot. ;)

Billy - I suppose I'd also have a cadenza if it was with someone I didn't know: it's still that fresh. (5 months). But now I find myself obsessing about this girl and dreading the next time I bump into her somewhere, which WILL happen.

Rays said...

... but when it DOES happen, you will be decked out in shimmer and bling and look fantastically supermodelish!

(Make sure you wear a low LOW cut top that requires NO BRA and that you just KNOW she'll look at and wish she could, but can't!
Well.. she techinally could but they'll knock her knees constantly!)

Jam said...

My idiot of an ex hooked up with someone during our "trial separation" and I found out. It hurt like hell and it still does. At least it wasn't someone I knew, although I am still keen to bump into them to be given that golden opportunity to be REALLY bitchy...

I say blow up the cow...I mean...can't she go shopping somewhere else??

Peas on Toast said...

Rays - love it. I happen to own many of those tops (I'm thinking you know me, so perhaps you have a couple in mind :)
and as for the bling, no shortage there either. :)

Jam - Funnily enough, she seems to pop up in the wierdest places. What worried me is that she's a frequenter of the Colony Arms. I get dragged there perhaps once every three months, often when I'm too pissed to argue, and she's there. Even more worringly, the stpale drink in that classy establishment is cane and creme soda. Which we all know makes one slightly more aggressive than usual. Bring it on. I may regret it in the morning though, after harsh words have flown from my mouth...

Jam said...

I was thinking of shopping for men, acutally! Fishing someone out of your friend's back yard, not a good idea.

zuzula said...

yeah, but think about what she's getting herself into... she's in for a bumpy ride (insert your own pun here about bumps...) whereas you are in for plenty of hot tub lovin'!

Antoine said...

As they say in the classics:

"life she is too short to agonise over mistakes of the past. Take comfort in what you have learnt and move on to what is ahead."

Keep your head up Peas.... ;0

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - :)

Zu - If he's anything like he was when I was with him, well good luck to her. But this brings a new set of questions: what if he's like the nicest thing ever to her? Or they get on so fucking well he ends up marrying her? What if, what if?
OK I need to chill.

Antoine - Thanks big guy. Let's hope the smoke blows over soon. The smoke that's coming out of my ears anyway.
80% of me is smiling though, so I'm ok. :)

zuzula said...

honestly - it won't happen. the cliche about leopards and spots is very tired but it's all true!

Peas on Toast said...

Oh I hope you're right Z. I really really do. She's probably not as loud and rambuctious/hard work as I am though, but you never know.

zuzula said...

in that case she sounds very dull to me - not to mention saggy. no worries there!

Peas on Toast said...

I know. I always thought 'bubbly personality' was a euphemism for 'safe and sweet.'

Thanks doll face. :)

Peas on Toast said...

I know. I always thought 'bubbly personality' was a euphemism for 'safe and sweet.'

Thanks doll face. :)

The Toothfairy said...

i found out not so long ago that my ex supposedly got married.

i'm not sure how that was meant to make me feel. i didn't really feel anything, i just wish her lots of luck, coz with his family, she'll need it.

you are the bigger, better person in this. she obviously cant be bothered to go looking for her own men and has to have your cast off's!!

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Toothfairy.

Not too long ago, she had a boyfriend that I didn't know. I ask you, what happened to him?