Saturday, March 25, 2006

jerry springer’s in town

Or just about. A classy establishment in Sandton is about to go down in flames. Tonight I am entering the proverbial snake pit. And, unwittingly, so is poor Small Bum.
On Ex S’ and my break-up, we had to split various assets. Furniture, CDs, photographs, friends, the lease.
Tonight is a mutual friend’s birthday party. ‘Mutual’ is a loaded term, as we all know that he got custody. He won her in the divorce proceedings. Which is fine with me on all accounts.

So I have RSVPed myself and Small Bum to this ridiculous drinks ensemble, of which I am considered the bad guy simply because its a ‘his friends’ do, so I am the outsider. The beeyutch. Regardless of Ex S’ close familial shagging.

Ah, then there’s the Ex himself.
With the high probability of Booby Bitch latched onto his arm.

I am going simply to prove a point. Naturally. It’s unusual for me to waste a Friday night like this. I will walk in there, hopefully looking so ridiculously smoking hot people’s eyes sting, and everyone will turn around to kind of gasp and wonder how to approach my new boyfriend. Most probably won’t. Luckily Small Bum is a friendly, cheerful sort of chap who will have no problem introducing himself, and I am confident that he will handle things beautifully.

There is one of endless options of how this may turn out:

- Punches will be thrown between Small Bum and Ex S. Undoubtedly Ex S will make the first swing.

- Punches will be thrown between Booby Bitch and myself. Undoubtedly I’ll make the first swing, pull her hair and use foul language.

- Ex S won’t arrive with Booby ‘The Boob’ Bitch, and will turn on his heel when he sees me with Small Bum.

- Small Bum and I will instantly leave if when does arrive with The Boob.

- I will start shaking uncontrollably.

- Ex S and I will pretend that each other doesn’t exist, to the point of staring right through each other. As mature people do.

- His friends will completely ignore me.

- His friends will ask why I bothered to pitch up.

- His friends will fall in love with Small Bum, waxing endless lyrical about how good we are together, how funny he is, and that we should all go camping together.

- I will get hopelessly drunk, dance on the bar counter and need to be carried out.

- The party isn’t really happening, it’s one big lie, and we’ll end up going to see a bloody movie instead.

- The party is a lie. We’ll drive to the airport and get on the first plane to Istanbul and never come back.

- The two other ex-partners in the group will have a fight, taking the heat off our situation.

- The public toilets of the bar will explode, meaning everyone has to evacuate within five minutes of our arrival.

- Ex S won’t pitch up at all due to an untimely case of amoebic dysentery, leaving him glued to his toilet seat for the rest of the weekend.

- Ex S won’t arrive because he knows Small Bum and I will be there.

- Ex S won’t arrive because he knows I’ll be there.

- Ex S won’t arrive because he lost track of time whilst shagging The Boob up against a wall, when suddenly his knob falls off, and he spends the rest of the night in a urology ward at the Joburg Gen.

- Ex S won’t arrive because his car doesn’t start. Because The Boob’s ass messed up the catalytic converters. Somehow.

- Small Bum will refuse to enter the building.

- They get along famously. Ex S and Small Bum decide they are long lost mates. Making me exit very quickly.

- We’ll have one drink, congratulate the birthday girl and get the fuck out of there before everything dramatically explodes in a forage of drinks throwing, hair pulling, punching, friends getting involved, tears and loud screaming.

- Everything will dramatically explode in a forage of drinks throwing, hair pulling, punching, friends getting involved, tears and loud screaming.

I don’t know whether to be excited or shit myself senseless.
Or ask a mate to take pictures.
The only thing you can do for me now, dear readers, is wish me oodles of luck. (And DHL-me a bottle of Johnny Red for Dutch courage.)


Anonymous said...

Peas, soooo been there and done that - advice: don't do it - you are going there to prove a point (and probably to see how the ex is doing) but you will be the only one to leave feeling like an outsider and really shit. Trust me, it's not worth that feeling.

Peas on Toast said...

Yip, undoubtedly I'll walk out of there feeling less than peachy. But alas, I cannot help myself.
I also need to prove that I am happy to introduce my new boyfriend to these people, I am proud of him, and I'mm not going to shy away just because they're the ex's friends.

Billy said...

Brillian post. Laughed my ass off.

my vote:
"Ex S won’t pitch up at all due to an untimely case of amoebic dysentery, leaving him glued to his toilet seat for the rest of the weekend."

My advise?

Get smashed en route, pull in like you own the place and get more messy. Score SB in the bog at least 6 times during the course of the night and call Ex S by the wrong name a couple of times. Hug BB like she's you long lost sister and offer her another Brandy and Coke.

If all of that doesnt work, let down Ex's tyres on the way out.

Billy said...

I can read and write english i promise.....

Brilliant post not brillian!

Happy Friday.

Peas on Toast said...

Billy, you're a card. Love it!
Wanna come along?? ;)

Rays said...

You'll be absolutely fantastic!

Remember to wear that cleavage top that would otherwise render Miss Booby dangling at the knees!

And start your affirmation now: I am hotter than Booby-Child.. I am hotter than Booby-Child...

Billy said...


Marc said...

Agreed, brill post

What about Small Bum and Booby Bitch hitting it off ??
haha...just kiddin...*DUCK*

My advise
I think you should spike her drink, and then smack her over the head with the Bushwacker 3000

Have fun, and get to drunk...

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Rays - your confidence in me is truly astounding. I'm going to dress like I'm 17 again, with the low revealing top as the centre of my fashion masterpiece. :)

Billy - you sure?? You may come out all scratched and bruised...we need a photographer though. And good at taking on-the-scene pics?

Peas on Toast said...

Marc - If there's one thing I'll make sure: The Boob will stay far far far away from Small Bum. She wouldn't dare. And if she did, the Shit. Will. Fly. ;)

I'd better start drinking, like, now. :)

Billy said...

I rock at taking pictures and leading cheers for fights. In fact, at school i was a cheerleader and in the photography club, i concede that the photography club was more about drooling over the hot teacher than light and composition though. None the less im always up for action.

Peas on Toast said...

Excellent. You'll hear the commotion from Grayston Drive no doubt. Follow the noise. :)

Jam said...

You have just made my morning!

I am still laughing uncontrollably!!!!

I vote for the drink too much option - that way, you get to do everything you'd really like to deep down and then plead drunken innocence later!

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - yay! Tequila or whiskey, or both??
I'll be sure to blog an update if I can remember anything :) xx
PS: You've twisted my rubber arm, and for that, I thank you.

Jam said...


The mother's milk of behaving baddly.


Peas on Toast said...

If I don't quaff at least 8 tequilas tonight Jam, I'd be pulling soft. :)
Perhaps I should put Toot 'n Scoot on speed dial now, because we all know I am going to be hideously revolting. :)

Anonymous said...

Hi Peas! I know it seems like a good idea at the time, to show everyone that you've moved on, happy etc. etc. But stop and think how your new guy is going to take it, SB sounds like a cool mature guy and obviously he wont complain, but I bet you that he's looking up to this party since you told him of it.

The looks, the fake smiles, the so what do you do, the so called friends spending time with the ex then with you and due to this being his friends you'll probably sit in the corner making small talk about the weather.

If you do go... follow Billy's plan of action.

Good luck! - Noodweer

Martin said...

Damn, and I thought I over-considered things, possibly leading to aggrevated levels of anxiety and mental activity...

Then again, I'm a man.

Peas on Toast said...

Noordweer - I did take that into consideration. And luckily he is only arriving (SB) much later due to late hours at work. Also, I wouldn't put him through this if didn't know at least three people there, which he does. But neverthless, thanks for the advice. :)

Martin - I'm going to get horrendously drunk.

Billy said...

You go for it girl!
Have a good weekend.
Im off to smash a beer or 8.

Peas on Toast said...

Billy I'm right behind you choina.

The Toothfairy said...

so what happened?.....