Friday, April 21, 2006

new level

Something hugely fundamental happened over the weekend that was somehow left undocumented.

It’s serious.

Small Bum and I hit a new level of intimacy this weekend that was previously unaccounted for. First he let me squeeze a zit on his back. Make no mistake, I enjoyed that immensely. Then he took it one step too far, hurdling over the boundary line in one foul-smelling swoop.
He farted. Loudly. While I was sitting on his lap.

He thought this was h.a.l.a.r.i.o.u.s. Just the funniest thing ever.

Look, it was pretty funny. OK, it was so funny, I nearly wet myself. The momentum and sound thrust behind it was cataclysmically hysterical.

Farting in relationships isn’t something new to me. Ex S would awake me each morning with a Dutch Oven. Don’t ask. We almost didn't notice when one of us popped one out. I vowed this time it would be different.
So we have discussed the exchanging of noxious gases.
I’m not going to open my lunchbox in front of him, and I certainly don’t want him cutting the cheese in front of me.

For as funny as farting is – and it is – things decidedly go downhill from here. Soon he’ll be wanting to take a dump with the door open, or scratch his balls in front of my mother, or make me sleep in my own wet spot. (Which he has tried to make me do already.)

One needs boundaries. To keep the unadulterated lust alive. Which is why I leave the building when perpetrating an expulsion of bowel air.

And get this, when I refer to the ‘farting incident,’ which obviously infiltrated my brain as a monolithic event, I get “huh?” He doesn’t remember it at all. Had I been the barbaric baffer, I’m pretty certain this wouldn’t be the case.

19 comments:

Antoine said...

*chuckle*

Oh Peas. From a guys perspective - ie: mine - when I fart in the presence of my GF it means I am comfortable with her.

Ergo: Tis a new level to the relationship. Sides - Farting is natural. It is how you market it that makes it interesting.

fly said...

Quite frankly there have been times when ive just wanted to let rippers go but had to get out of bed and walk into the next room...that just bites... :oP

Surely chicks go through the same thing... ???

GoDsGiMp said...

Amazing, peas you continue to open my eyes into the workings of the female mind and.. anatomy. Personally I was under the impression that woman never released gas, they reabsorb. Either that or if they do small butterflies exit along with smell of roses and assorted flowers..

Peas on Toast said...

Antoine - him being too comfortable around me freaks me out. The farting muts stop today. :) (Although, as you said, if marketed amusingly, I may let it slide like once every six months.)

Fly - Well I most definitely do. Often I've woken up and walked around to release it. It sucks in winter.

Godsgimp - my farts do smell like roses. And more often than not, I do reabsorb. :) But as a result, for the last 4 months, I've felt horrendously bloated.
But Godsgimp, if it does make you feel better to live in blissful ignorance, girls don't emit gas. Ever. So just take everything I've said above and beyond this as a lie. ;)

Jam said...

Here is another female voice on this one: Yeah, it means he's getting too comfortable and then all the other predictable "taking for granted" things will shortly follow. Peas is right. Boundaries are good. My ex and I had none of those. Big mistake.

Some things are best left in the realm of the mysterious...

If you have to climb out of bed in winter, well, tough. it might be to your benefit in the end...

Peas on Toast said...

Jam, nicely said girlfriend.
He can fart until the cows come home. But not in front of me.

In my other relationship it fell on the point of becoming ridiculous how much stuff we shared. Sharing may be caring, but not in this case. :)

fly said...

Now you see, this has always been a huge question in my mind...do you or dont you... ??? I never did and I probably never will...but then I dont think I would be too comfortable with my girlfriend watching me on the toilet and vica versa....it knda kills the the romantism doesnt it...

Peas on Toast said...

Fly - I think it's fairly safe to say that every single person walking this green Earth farts china. Like breathing, it's kind of ...au natural. So yes, of course I fart. I would explode otherwise (which would be just as attractive, I;m sure.)
I'm still not willing to share my personal toilet habits with Small Bum. Because as lovely and comfortable as it is, its quite the little passion killer.

GoDsGiMp said...

You are all right. Boundaries are good, if anything they really do help to keep the romance in the relationship. Pea's if you let the boundaries slip next thing you know you will be doing the dishes (because he may take that for granted) for the upteenth time and SB will sneak up behind you cupcake you with his most recent expulsion and ask innocently; "does this smell like steers chips?"

Peas on Toast said...

Oh my greatness, but is that a pretty picture! :)

Cup caking
Dutch Ovening
Puddy Rubbing

Fart games I learnt whilst going out with Ex S.

Good times.

Jam said...

What a charmer your ex S was Peas.

Dishes. The bane of all relationships.

Peas on Toast said...

I take half responsibility for allowing it to happen Jam.

So never again! Because after farting comes the inevitable dishes. I don't knwow hat's worse.

slapchips said...

It could be worse: digging with a finger in his ear and then quizzically inspecting the results; flossing his teeth and sniffing the floss afterwards; picking his nose in front of you nad your horrified friends; wandering through from the bathroom with a towel round his waist and sitting in front you and your horrified friends with his legs gaping - while you try to figure out if its possible for any human to be a)this unconscious of what his nether regions are doing, b) perveted enough to truly enjoy inflicting his tackle on people, or c)blase enough to truly not give a shit what people are seeing up his towel.
All this makes farting look fairly innocuous ... unless he's farting in the bath and cupping his hands lovingly around the bubbles to sniff them as they break the surface - sorry, that was a personal one - but I take it you're saying that the rot sets in from the first unadmonished fart.After this floss sniffing and testicular flashing are almost inevitable.If this is the case then establishing boundries now doesn't sound like such a bad idea. If you think about it we do it all the time in other - more subtle - realms of a relationship. Nip his farting in the bud before its too late.

Peas on Toast said...

slapchips - dude, you cup your hands around the bubbles before they break the surface?? whaaaaaaat??? You sound like a real like little charmer.

Before SB gets any ideas, no more farting. Ever!

Daedalus said...

"Be a gentleman – let her sleep in the wet-spot" hehe...

I have to agree with fly... there are boundaries The toilet is private. sheeeeezzzz... what a topic.

Peas on Toast said...

Daedalus - always a topic for hot discussion eh?

acidicice said...

Farting. I can't get him to stop. He says (I quote) "You like my farts baby". He's wrong. I didn't set the boundary from the beginning. This is a great idea *applaudes*

Number 1's in toilet are ok...number 2's...DEFINTELY private. That's an unspoken rule between us.

slapchips said...

Wait a second. I don't cup the bubbles underwater. I just sort of waft them towards me when they break the surface. We had a debate about this at work once and all the guys present (about ten of us) admitted to smelling their farts in the bath. If you're interested in the truth, as you purport to be when defending your right to give us gynaecological details, you should maybe examine this phenomenon of men bonding with their farts in more depth. You might discover we're all like real little charmers, like.

Aquila said...

haha silent but violent