Thursday, April 20, 2006

reading between the blah blah blah

I’m going to host a large dinner party soon. I’ll whip up a three-tiered culinary fantasy, a gastronomic smorgasbord involving oodles of hot dill sauce to drizzle not-so-frugally over seared Scandinavian salmon steaks, while setting the table in my mother’s expensive linen, even using napkin holders, the nice cutlery, and ordering a few bottles of Saxonburg Merlot online. The starter, most formidably, will be mushy peas on little melba toasts. (Generously lashed in balsamic vinegar and slivers of parmesan.)

Then I’ll invite the people, which my ex very kindly informed me of, who read my blog in my social circle(s).

The conversation should be mindblowing. (“Peas on toast, anyone?”) I wonder who’d manage to control a stoic flinching. Blatant irony is always amusing; irony laced with sarcasm tickles me pink.

Shit I can’t wait. No seriously.

My blog has very wittingly become unsolicited material, after the unraveling of it was had. First by my current boyfriend, Small Bum, then by my ex boyfriend S, who justifiably had a cadenza, and then by my poor mother who also wondered where she’d taken a left turn. So it shouldn’t really matter who encounters my blog here on out.

Or does it?

The acquaintances I fraternise with on an infrequent basis in Johannesburg, either through a book club, or an occasional piss up at the Jolly, or even through air kissing ad tedium at communal braais, had no idea I wrote a blog a year ago. Much less a blog on the daily transpirings of my manic life.

Yet not a word has been uttered to me about the regular indulgence of this.
I know Iwould’ve said something. (“So like anyway I found your blog. Tell me more.”)

So imagine how impressed I was on receiving an email from a mate in London confessing to finding my blog and apologising profusely. Words like ‘moral dilemma,’ ‘I’ll pretend I never found it,’ were professed so sincerely, I was rather fucking touched. Especially since he is a close mutual friend of mine and Ex S. Another friend fessed up the other day, after my ex told me she’d known about it for months, saying she’d felt like a spy so hadn’t said anything. Respect. I appreciated the heads up and told both parties by all means to continue reading.

For in this extravagant list of people my ex kindly gave me, many frequently engrace themselves in my presence. For instance, three are in my book club, two are siblings who went to varsity with me and came to the most recent party I held, one plays hockey with my ex, and the rest I pretty much see at other overcompensatable venues in Joburg.

Perhaps they really know nothing about me, so find my psychotic ramblings somewhat enlightening.

Now they know that I know that they know.

So back to my dinner party. Setting the scene: Shamefully transmutable small talk involving who is going to the exotic location of London next, why people shnarf coke in the film industry, and job dissatisfaction. I will listen with feigned delight, while becoming increasingly amused, until I cannot possibly hold it in any longer:
“Another mushy peas on toast Chester? There’s one here with your name written all over it.”
Or “So… Vern. Do you really want to talk about your lactose intolerance all fucking night, when I know you’d prefer to discuss my freak drinking problem/sexual nymphomania?”

It just makes you wonder about society in general.

But it also lets me off the hook rather sneakily. I have a license to bitch and moan about anyone. I don’t need to consider anyone’s feelings here if they aren’t considering mine by perhaps throwing me a frigging bone along the lines of ‘hey man, found your blog.’

And while it is only slightly annoying, for the most part I find this whole cloak and dagger blog reader capsicum absolutely hysterical.

PS: Ex R wants to hook up with one of my best mates C over the long weekend which we'll all be spending at the Vaal. By all means shag the living daylights out of each other. It's too close for comfort, but then, who am I to stop it?

22 comments:

Third World Ant said...

It was only when I got to the last paragraph that I understood the reason for your mood. I'm sorry babe, the only thing to do is grin and bear it, or not go to the Vaal at all. My new motto applies: suck it up!

Peas on Toast said...

Ant - hey babe its cool. I've been dealt this one before remember. And as long as I don't react it will be fine. And it will be fine, as this will in no way ruin that weekend! I hope you can come through for a night.

Jam said...

Blogging in a public space is inevitably going to invoke all sorts of reactions. But blogging the way you do is honest and as you've said before, cathartic! If people are unable to face the truth - well, that's their stuff, not yours. I really like the idea of your dinner...would love to be a fly on the wall just to watch the reactions.

Peas on Toast said...

Hey Jam you're welcome to come. :)

I'm actually not angry about people I know reading my blog, really just amused that they don't say anything to me in the public realm.

It's pretty halarious really. :)

Phil said...

Never mind a bloody fly on the wall....
1 - how do I hook a REAL invitation to the dinner
2 - can I bring a camera
3 - I will supply the wine

Peas on Toast said...

Phil -
1) I'd have to personally know you, but exceptions can be made.
2) Absolutely. Do you have a video camers? If so you're invited. :)
3) Fantastic.

Perhaps we should throw a celebrity in the mix. I'll phone Danny K to see what he's doing. :)

Billy said...

i can draw pictures and i have a camera.

Jam said...

What about Gareth Cliff?

Peas on Toast said...

Billy, well since you're my cyber bodyguard, you have to be there big guy. Not even a question. :)

Jam - let's ask him.
Yo Cliff - dinner party, my place, bring a salad, and a sense of humour. Phone me if you need directions.

Phil said...

Knowing personally could be a problem....but that can be fixed
My digital camera has a fairly nifty video mode
I suppose wine and champers could be arranged as well.

Phil said...

And if Cliff cannot make it I guess I could arrange a salad as well.....any preferences?

Peas on Toast said...

Phil - sold.
I tell you what, let's just can the salad idea altogether and make mounds and mounds of mushy peas on toast. Platters full of the stuff. So it takes up at least half of all the surface areas of lounge. Then all the invitees can OD on mushy peas and toast and bottles of wine.

Splendid!

Third World Ant said...

splendid! i'm inviting myself by virtue of the fact you can't keep me out - i have keys! And, I have the Saxenburg :)

We can have all sorts of toast, melba, French, regular, burnt. Oh the options are endless!

Peas on Toast said...

Honey you're my personal maitre d'.
So excited you've ordered more wine!
We really throw the best parties. Of course Third Roommate will be there to frisk everyone as they come in. And Small Bum, since he is a main character of my life at the moment.

I can barely contain my excitement.

Jam said...

I can play waitress? Dressed in a giant green pea?

GoDsGiMp said...

Stop me when idea gets out of hand..

1.)Get hold of 'phils' video camera, which he offered use of. But not for purpose of filming dinner.

2.)Take camera with to vaal. Top glasses of ex + c regularly with strong drink. Wait for inevitable and press record on previously hidden camera. Drink rest of bottle yourself to dull pain.

GoDsGiMp said...

3.)return with hangover and video in hand. Post ex's 3min of drunken and undoubtable clumsy bliss on blog. We all watch and laugh heartily. Making you feel better

GoDsGiMp said...

Plan B:
Buy ecstacy and go play golf instead.

Peas on Toast said...

Godsgimp - you're a card. I like you.

acidicice said...

Rule of thumb: Friends should never date/shag your ex's. I'm touchy enough about my x's shagging ppl I DON'T know.

People in the film industry schnarf coke because it's lovely and the mofo's can afford it.

I read somewhere about what happened with your blog. I must say it's quite interesting. Someone at work found my blog and said they didn't want to read it because it seemed too personal...they felt they were violating me by reading it. Hmmm...do they realize that they are not the only ppl in the world accessing the internet?! ANYONE can go and read all the personal stuff I CHOOSE to put there. Tsk.

BRAVO! Don't spare anyone!

When you're in CT sometime, I'd love to go and have some peas on toast somewhere, if the blog is as riveting as this, I can only imagine what it would be like to meet the real thing. (Maybe you could borrow your dad's aeroplane to get here?) ;oP

Peas on Toast said...

Acidice - its a deal. Next time I'm in CT, let's go for a drink. :)

acidicice said...

I'm going to hold you to that!