Friday, May 05, 2006

you get to meet my dad tonight lucky little bugger, I say to Small Bum.

Dad runs in, from a pizzeria across the road, where he is drinking gin and tonics with some random architect lady, to meet Small Bum before we head off for dinner.

Dad: [Small Bum!] Nice to see you again!
SB: Uh...we've never met. But neverthless...a pleasure.
Dad: Where you taking Peas tonight?
SB: The Spur. They're having a R25 rib special.
[Dad thinks this is the funniest thing he's heard all his life, and starts laughing uproariously.]
Me: You'd better be joking.
Dad: Small Bum, are you coming for a flight in my aeroplane on Saturday?
SB: [ulp] I guess so!
Dad: Peas why don't you want to meet my architect date?
Me: Because I'm on my way out the door.
Dad: She's a little...big, sure. but come on! You're interested in architecture aren't you? She could be a good contact for you.
Me: Dad a fat architect isn't going to help me in my shitty retail and food magazine job. Trust me.
Dad: Maybe she can help you design a building.
[At this stage, SB is looking more than perplexed and doesn't quite know what to say or do.]
Me: Because I want to design a building.
Dad:'s an option.
Me: An option for what? I'm staying over at SB's place tonight Dad, so don't wait up ok.
Dad: Please use protection.

My oath to Jabunda he said that. In front of the poor guy.

In the car on the way to the Singing Fig (that's where he took me for dinner, bless his little cotton rods):
Me: So now you know what I mean by loopy. What do you think of my dad?
SB: [formidable pause] he's a little pyscho. [last word is a high pitched shriek. Cue wild stabbing hand gesticulations, like those you'd use to describe a slasher scene in a film such as Nightmare on Elm Street.]
No, I actually think he's cool. Nuts, but cool.

We had a lovely dinner. I ate Norwegian salmon, he ate cajun chicken linguini.
I didn't mention the word 'sex.' Nor did I slip in any uncomfortable innuendos about the act of lovemaking or such. We climbed into bed and still, in my white lacy underwear, I didn't elude to anything. He made the first move by casually running his hand down my bum and beyond.
Then something happened that I cannot write about for his protection. Let's just say that my poor, wonderful, shag-initiating boyfriend has to see a urologist today.

The next time I fornicate, I fear, will be in the distant future.


Jam said...


Your Dad is nuts. long are you not able to shag for Peas?? What did you do to him? Or him to you???

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - tell me about it.
Well, the 'accident', let's call it that, will probably put SB out of action for the next few weeks. Nothing dire, luckily, and no surgery needed.

A little tear. That wasn't anticipated. And we're not quite sure how it happened. We weren't doing anything rough or out of the ordinary.

duke said...

you broke his banjo string! hahahahahaha.....

on totally unrelated note, here's a story you might have broken re car insurance -

Peas on Toast said...

Duke - Thanks for the link to the Business Report story. The fuckers are finally going down!
The was a time when I thought maybe I was just overreacting and it's not that big a deal - but actually it is! Perhaps I should send my blog entry on FFW to Bus Rep in case they haven't seen it.

Oh and about his banjo string - it's not broken. As such. It's the shop for a service. :(

sheldon said... the words of my gay primary school phys-ed teacher:

"...never doubt the importance of good stretching before activities"

Third World Ant said...

you made a "little tear"? Come now Peas, 'fess up: you ripped his peepee!

better stock up on those batteries :)

Peas on Toast said...

Sheldon - your gay primary school phys ed teacher was a wise man.

Peas on Toast said...

Ant - How does one rip a peepee? Seriously, it's ergonomically impossible. We couldn't figure it out. Perhaps overusage? Shitters.

Battery sponsorship anyone?

Antoine said...

From a Guy's perspective....

A little tear heals rather rapidly.... a large rip however needs stitches

So you may not be "offline" for as long as you think :)

Jam said...

Peas - enthusiasm can cause a tear. And being on top.
Forget the batteries, this is a perfect opportunity for him to become MUCH more creative....

Peas on Toast said...

Antoine - good to know. I don't reckon he needs stitches at all.

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - *blush* he wasn't on top...neither was I....

Billy said...

You broke his knob!!!!!!
The poor man, i have had that before, its nasty. My sympathy!


Jam said...

Billy - that would imply that someone was on top :-)

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - all other questions aside - you've had a broken knob before?? Shut up. Seriously? Please do tell. I have a feeling this is a classic! :)

Jam - I'm just blushing. My entire facial and neck region is on fire. ;)

Jam said...

Sorry Peas!

Anonymous said...

shouldn't have used your teeth ...

Peas on Toast said...

Jam :)

Anonymous - I didn't. I never do.

duke said...

to all you saffas who rag on us stuck in the rain: i just have to let you know that if everyday was like today, the uk would be the best place on earth. Sunny, warm, green, awesome. Everyone's got this smile on their face, especially the hot chicks, cos they think we don't know what they're thinking. But we do know, don't we? They're thinking about belting the duke...

GoDsGiMp said...

There once was a woman from nantucket-

Who was always trying to fuckit-

Until one day, while riding her 'steed'-

And building up some speed-

She slipped and bent his pole-

That poor poor soul-

Peas on Toast said...

Duke and Godsgimp - sounds like the both of you have been laid fairly recently.
Waxing lyrical about the UK and assuming I broke my boyfriend's, um, pole so to speak. :)

Bless your little beef wellingtons.

GoDsGiMp said...

Well as a matter of fact yes I have.. fortunately I managed to keep my 'pole' intact and healthy for future use. Anyway Im ADSL 'out' thanks to Telkom, so hopefully I will be back to catch up next week.
Enjoy the weekend-
Hey thats not meant to bend-

mental note; future career as a lyrical poet. Less of an option than originally thought

Billy said...

One time at band camp...
My first year at varsity i had a girlfriend who was rather well ummm....excitable to say the least. No stranger to a mindblowing multiple orgasm. She had a habit of enjoying the full length of the "ride" so to speak. On one such ride she managed to dislodge my member and misguide her equipment on the reentry. My fully extended tool was rammed at full tilt into the wild one’s left groin and as the old adage goes, Something’s Gotta Give. Unfortunately that something was my knob, near the base and with a nasty snap, at least that’s what I think the noise was. The rest is medical history but it took a while before I let a women be on top!

She also made my back bleed on a few occasions but thats another story.

She got the multiple orgasims and i ended up with multiple injuries.

Billy said...

P>S: Your old man sounds like a classic.

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - thats' a horrific! YOu even heard it snap? Good grief!
OK well SB's injury is far less traumatic thank God!