Tuesday, June 13, 2006

streams of melancholy consciousness

Typing on keyboard. Quiet Sunday afternoon. Minding my own business. Movie on low in background. Doorphone rings. Pick up. You’re shitting me. Beating heart. Cannot stop shaking. Walking towards my door. Fuck. I don’t have concealer on. My hair looks like a recently sodomised badger. Open door. Run away. Come back. Wheel bike into hallway. Exchange belongings. Make small talk. Leave him in lounge. Fetch his CD from car. Did I get his letter? (Affirmative.) Can I rip the CD before he takes it? Fuck, cannot rip his CD - shaking too much. He fiddles with my settings. Has to rip it onto the PC in my room.

Bed unmade. Dildo on side table. Clothes and shoes everywhere.

I ooh and ah over posters. Small talk. Let him out. Lock gate. Iron bars in between. Stops. Asks if I think he made the right decision. (How am I supposed to know? Because I can read your noggin? It was your decision, now claim it.) “Probably, yes.” Tries to talk to me. To explain. “I know I’ve forfeited the chance to stay close to you.” Correct. We won’t be double dating together soon, no, ‘fraid not. “I’m sure you’ve kissed a lot of people.” A few. Nothing serious. I hope you’re not too scared one day to fall in love, because I think you were scared. (Although I don’t want to know if you’re sewing your wild oats all over town either. I don’t ask.) “Yes, I was scared.” And perhaps you are a little immature. “Yes I maybe do need to grow up.” Back to the small talk. “Still planning to go overseas?” Perhaps, we’ll see. Starts off with a question then resides saying it’s not his place to ask. (Just fucking ask it! What do you have to lose at this point?) Shrug.

Steel bars. Silence. Only Mrs Abdul’s birds chirping rather loudly in the passage.

Both just stand. Stare ahead. “If you really loved me, why did you have to unleash your anger - I’ve never done that before.” With all due respect, you’ve never been in love. So you won’t understand. Unlock gate. Let him back in.

Living room. Movie still on in background. Period drama.

Make tea. On my suggestion. Forgets how he takes his cuppa. Two sugars. Shaking. Calming down. Small talk. Heavy talk. Am nonchalant. Show no emotion. Am deliberate, frank, don’t say too much. Am stronger than I think, handling it. Am also dead inside. But hurt and anger move beneath the deadness with a heavy pressure. Still wears the same shoes. Abruptly stand up.

Walk to door. Usher him through. Well have a nice life. Lock gate.

Panic. Walk outside. See him sitting in car on sidewalk. Hasn’t driven away yet. Cross street. Don’t look back. Drives away. Recross road when he’s out of sight. Enter gate. Lock it. Prepare to hang up posters. A four foot tall Marilyn Monroe above my bed. And a spare one in the hallway. One or two Liechtenstein’s.

Can’t find the fucking Prestik.

I don’t cry. Make tea. Rooibos. Listen to my previously borrowed CD. Be sad. Am empty. Not a bad empty, an empty that’s ok with being empty. It’s finally over. I never have a reason to see him again. Unless unplanned like last Friday or at the Durban July. It’s crowded place right?

25 comments:

Revolving Credit said...

*hug*

Champagne Heathen said...

All the best through all of this

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks guys.

Retro_Girl said...

From a long time fan: I promise it's going to be all right...

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Retro Girl. I sure hope you're right. This break-up thing is fucking taxing at the best of times.

Revolving Credit said...

That empty/dead feeling is really kak - I hereby virtually hold your hand and will keep doing it until you feel something/better.

When it starts to feel empty again, remember someone is holding your hand ;)

peanut said...

is everyone going to the frigging durban july!!!???!! I'm trying to organise a b-day party and just getting shot down....sob!

Anyway, don't let this set you back peas. Very well handled!

Suavé said...

You handled it pretty well I should say. Just know that we all got your back. And on the real tho, it's going to be alright. This is experience talkin here.

If anything else then lay them salty tears on the chest...

Inyoka said...

Peas

It's called moving on. Not easy. But essential.

Hugs

Peas on Toast said...

revolving - thank you so much my dear. It's this alone feeling I just can't get to grips with, so a hand would be awesome right now. :)

peanut - every man and his dog it seems. I'm not sure if I handled it well, just the best I could.

Suave - thank you. I only cried yesterday for the first time in weeks. I'm proud! :)

Inyoka - trying. Trying hard, I swear. It gets easier right?

fly said...

Well handled Pea's :o)

Up and onward I say.... wink*

M said...

Thanks for the great Blog, went through the identical last week, just in reverse with Ex Girlfriend. Big weekend with mates at Billies, Colony and the Jolly make it all a little bit better! M ps: Dont Fret about the July, 70 000 people there and in the last three years haven’t bumped into numerous people I knew were there but didn’t want to see, is def best party of the year! Chin up!

M said...

Thanks for the great Blog, went through the identical last week, just in reverse with Ex Girlfriend. Big weekend with mates at Billies, Colony and the Jolly make it all a little bit better! M ps: Dont Fret about the July, 70 000 people there and in the last three years haven’t bumped into numerous people I knew were there but didn’t want to see, is def best party of the year! Chin up!arty of the year! Chin up!

Peas on Toast said...

Fly - shew but it's hard. I'm telling you I was doing ok until I saw him. Twice on the weekend.
If he retains some distance, I will be able to get up onto my feet again I think.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks m! I hope things go better for you as well. And too true: have been thrashing out big weekends since the break-up. I'm not sure it helps, but at least I'm getting out there right?

70 000 people?? Are you serious? I knew it was a popular thing, that Durban July, but 70 000 people? That's the best news I've heard all day! :)

M said...

thanks, I love the July, 3 years three pulls! Get there by 12-1pm and get home after numerous party tents and Tiger Tiger, After Johnny's Roti's, at about 6 with a great sunrise over the beach...

fly said...

Im going through a similar thing Pea's and my heart still stops when I see her...but I just keep on reminding myself that its for the best in the long run... ;o)

I do miss her terribly tho....

Peas on Toast said...

M I cannot wait! I've never pulled myself towards myself to get to the July before, but this year I have my flights booked, the rental car booked, the accomodation booked, the tent tickets paid for. And two of my guy friends are coming down with me and promise to be my wingmen. It's going to be superb.

Now just to find something [incredible] to wear!

Peas on Toast said...

Fly - I feel your pain my dear. It's like I'm fine when he's out of sight. Then I see him and I start shaking involuntarily.

I miss him like mad.

But perhaps, at the end of the day, he's done me a fvour. Someone better will come into my life. That's what I'm telling myself anyway.

Jam said...

It's called closure.

*big hug*

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - that's what I figured. But yet, I still have so many questions I have answers for. So many. That I haven't asked.

I suppose I will just have to put those out of my mind.

muddlepuddle said...

Hey there Peas

Oh my girl what can one say??
Fuckkit it's the kukkest thing a person can attempt to endure.

At the risk of allowing my own emotions, hopes and dreams, to take over your life - sounds like he's got some serious regrets my girl.
Could I be right? I just know when someone doesn't really want to leave then they have shit to lay out.

Nonetheless I am sure it does get easier or else we will be miserable forever and ever and ever.And ever.

You see this is the rollercoaster bit I hate about this break up crap. My next invention is a pill you can take that just makes you get over it.

I know where you are my girl so take consolation in the fact that you have other people stinking of the same shit

Big kisses my friend

Muddle

Peas on Toast said...

Ah thanks Muddle. It is a very kak time for me - when you've invented that pill that makes you forget about everything, please send boxes my way ok!

Ant reckons he also has lots of regrets. I wish I never knew his regrets. It makes this harder. And for now, I just want the dust to settle into nothingness. If that makes sense.

Anonymous said...

Well then I guess Peas you are more over him than you give yourself credit for. I want to know my ex kunts regrets (not saying there are any) and chances are if I knew them I'd take him back in a flash. I am about as strong as white china. You on the other hand are the bull in his china store (and I really do mean that in a good way) you're kinda like dude you screwed up sorry for you not my problem. Even though you're empty inside you're not giving into it.

You'll be ok Peas.

My wishes for you are that you will live a happily,ever after life and will never need the breakup pill.

Strength my friend.I know it sucks balls.

Muddle

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks babe. It means alot, your words. And they really help. x