Tuesday, July 18, 2006

caned

Well any thoughts of reclusiveness were rapidly abolished this weekend gone.

It’s 03:23am Saturday morning. I’ve just come back from Manhattan. I’m as pissed as the guy who lives on the porch of Kung Fu Kitchen and drinks Joburg Beer straight out the carton. But never have I felt such clarity in my entire life. About everything and everyone.

I actually haven’t just come back from that cheesy, yet strangely pleasant, night club in Rivonia. I’ve just come back from dropping Cute Unshaven at his complex so drunk out of his skull, he can’t talk. I’m certain he leopard crawled to his front door. If he gets there before 6:00am, I’ll be very surprised.

It all started off at a wine tasting evening on Friday with The Ant’s Italian society. Moogs, L, Third Roommate, C, The Ant of course, and her lovah The Gilb, and a room filled with Angelo’s, Franco’s, Dino’s and Daniella’s. It was molto bellissimo. Then Moogs, L and I got the proverbial bee in our bonnets and headed to Manhattan, mainly because all I wanted to hear was “Shake That Ass For Me”, and shake my ass appropriately in honour of Eminem and Nate Dogg for writing such a masterpiece. Cute Unshaven started phoning me every five minutes saying he was on his way there to meet me. He never did, even though he kept on professing he was, indeed, there.
Riiiiight, ok.

Three Jagerbombs, a tequila and an ass shaking later, he phoned to ask me please to pick him up in Parkhurst, [nowhere near fucking Rivonia], and I thought, stupidly mind you, “Shame. Poor oke. He’s stuck, drunk and without a ride home.” So drove to Parkhurst, only to stop for a lollipop on the way. He carried on phoning throughout the duration of the journey, possibly because he’d forgotten he’d phoned me prior to every bloody call.

Got there, picked him up, he ate half my lollipop and was as conversationally exciting as a padded cell – not saying anything, except crap really. I took him to our flat, and picked up The Ant and The Gilb to accompany me in taking him home. I couldn’t deal. I can’t explain it: I deal with drunk friends and lovers all the time. He was awkward, strange, quiet. He just said and did the wrong things the whole episode. It wasn’t funny, it was irritating. Just characterless. I think perhaps, on the good side of completely dull. I took a right turn when he tried to kiss me.

Maybe I can just see through people now. Not every man I’m going to be with is going to be right for me, I’m not that hopeless and unrealistic romantic anymore. I’m pickier now. I know what I don’t want. And I don’t need reaffirmation of who I am through a boyfriend any longer. This is an epiphany, you do realise.

Gilb, Ant and I, all in our slippers, dropped him off after an excruciatingly awkward journey where I couldn’t stop giggling because I realised suddenly that I am so not ready for a relationship at the minute.

In that, I came home feeling like a hero. Throughout the last two months where I have been sad, cynical, heartbroken and filled with longing for the one I loved to come back to me, etc, etc, etc, I have actually learnt something. I’d really rather just be with me. For the moment. Or forever, if that’s what it has to be.

Saturday was spent giggling until tears ran down our cheeks with my dear mate The Dove, who I haven’t seen in ages. When I bit my tongue almost in half while crying with laughter. And in one sentence she basically summed up why I can write about my daily occurrences in a blog, for instance.
“Peas so much stupid shit happens to you.”

Tis true.

Then Unshaven (notice how the Cute has seemingly fallen away), phoned to apologise for his conduct, or lack thereof on Friday and begged me to go to dinner with him Saturday night. I don’t know why I said yes, but perhaps because I’m a girl who lets those I’m not interested in down easy.

He picked me up in a car with a canoe on top of it. Don’t ask.

While we ate sushi, I told him I’m still cut up over the last relationship and best he leave me and my baggage to it for the moment. He seemed ok with it, but still wants to see me. Oh dear.

I then joined C and the others at the Colony. It was the funniest, messiest, most unbelievably fucking crazy night I’ve had in a good long while.
Fuck me. We got absolutely caned. Sang karaoke, only to scream the following during Roxette’s Sleeping in My Car between choruses:
1) “Hey beautiful – take off your shirt!” (Said to drunk weirdo who was pinching C’s ass the whole night)
2) “Hey, tall guy, get out of the way, you’re blocking the screen.”
3) Howling like coyotes into the mic.
4) “Aren’t we just fucking fantastic!”
5) “The couple sucking face over there – SMASH HIM IN YOUR FACE!”
6) “Forbsiiiiiieeeee! [our mate] Show us your ass!”
7) Then sharing the mic with another mate, which I kept bashing her teeth with while planting said mic in her face, resulting in loud ‘thonks’ in between singing.
The whole place turned around in half amusement, half disbelief while we threw our name everywhere. We were the messiest girls at the establishment, and that’s saying a lot when you’re doing this at The Colony Arms. It’s quite a feat.

And we did a Lionel Richie number too. Everyone managed to suck deplorable face, while I was quite happy just to watch and laugh at C and Forbsie, who has a chest hair complex (when we tried to rip his shirt off) and then put me on his shoulders. The night was messy and completely out of control. It was hysterical.

Then Small Bum entered the building. And having drunk cane and crème soda all evening, my mood rapidly took a new direction. I tried to run away, but he seemed to find his way to the dance floor where I’d rapidly run, came up behind me and had the cheek to grab me from behind with a touchy feely hand and try to talk to me.
Small Bum: “Hi.”
Peas: Hello.
Small Bum: “How are you.”
Peas: Great! How are you.
Small Bum: “Great thanks.”
Peas: Fantastic. Well gotta go.

Nice to see his mates though, they are quite a hoot. One asked me if it’s true Guy I’ve Had Eye On and I are going out. (Errr, no.)
Came home, had a cane wobbly over Small Bum, cried crocodile tears, read his fucking three page letter again and passed out on the lounge carpet to be woken up by a confused The Ant. Unshaven asked me to a braai. I declined.

The Ant bought two beautiful leather studio chairs for our lounge. We had a tea party with Moogs and R to celebrate.

Barring the cane crying, a fucking incredible weekend.
OK now back to my little dark hole again. At least for the week.

41 comments:

Billy said...

Styling! Another epic blog worthy weekend! Hope this weeks gentle on us all.

Peas on Toast said...

Hey Bill!
Yes, I was an abolsute hooligan once again. Good times! Hope you had a styling one too. x

Antoine said...

From someone who worked the whole bloody weekend and the weekends excitement was going to the local mine pub for a foul smelling pork chop, this post has put a smile on my dial and caused just a few chuckles.

You go goil!!

Peas on Toast said...

Antoine - "the weekends excitement was going to the local mine pub for a foul smelling pork chop."

That sounds so dodgy, you poor thing!

Well if it makes you feel better, C and I drank enough to share with you and rest of the blogosphere! (Cheers to you!)

Jam said...

Peas you are a goddess! It's amazing to see you celebrating your singleness with such passion and conviction. I think it's great that you're able to see a Bad One when he presents himself to you in such an unsavoury light. You go girl!

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Jam! *blushes with praise*.

I finally figured out the equation that people have been trying to drum into my koppel for months now: I'd much rather be alone and copletely carefree and happy than with someone that either makes me feel like crap, bores me to tears, or doesn't somehow make me feel as content as I am now.

I only hope all single girls out there can feel the same.

Suavé said...

Yeah Peas, nicely done! I wish my levels of debauchery were on yours but unfortunaltely I was sick as a dog on the weekend, so indoors for me mainly. And when I did try to go out I got a motherphucken flat tire in Auckland Park with no spare in the boot. Actually now that I think about it, I dont really wana talk about it. Lop-sided weekend it was. But I'm glad you had fun for all of us.

Jam said...

And the thing is, sometimes when you least expect it the most wonderful man will drop onto your lap, especially when you are truly comfortable in your own skin. My theory is don't look - chance presents many strange opportunities.

Daytripper said...

Drunkenness is a very interesting magnifying glass for new love interests.... and sometimes reveals the last thing you might expect. My attitude has always been that when pissed, peole don't change into someone else, they merely exagerate who they are really, under the filters and the barriers. Therefore, you will often hear people speak what their heart is full of when drunk, and discover attitudes you would never have known they held otherwise!

Phil said...

Hello Peas. Sounds like a fun if scary weekend. As for anyone with a canoe on the roof of the car? Wierd. In a wierd sort of way.

I spent most of the weekend at my local. The rugby was appalling and I refuse to discuss it further.

At lease the red car won the GP yesterday!

Peas on Toast said...

Shame Suavie! A flat-tyre as well! I hope you feel better, you always have next weekend to catch up!

Jam - you're so right. I'm not going looking for anything right now. I suspect that if I do find someone nice, it'll be when I'm least expecting it. For the moment, it's so much less admin having a bloody man around. (No offence to all those men.) I honestly do not have the time or patience to fit him into my single life. Sounds crazy?

Peas on Toast said...

Daytripper - yes my craziness is definitely magnified on cane. Though I'm not sure whether this is a good thing! :)

Phil - Glad you had a good one Phil. And yes, the canoe was mindblowing. I couldn't stop laughing and cringing at the same time. :)

other-duke said...

Peas, you have a way with words. Excellent

Shake that ass!

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Other-Duke! Loving that song! Loving it! In fact, I may have to pop down to my car during lunch and play it again!

kyknoord said...

I know it's really bad form to laugh at another's misfortune, but I haven't been able to stop laughing after reading "...I took a right turn when he tried to kiss me...".

Peas on Toast said...

kyknoord - quite literally my friend, quite literally. ;)

muddlepuddle said...

Waaahaahaahaa Peas!
I fucking hate times like this and what is it with men, the ones we want don't ever get the picture. The ones we absolutely dont want they get the picture??!?!?!?
Or is it the other way around?

Bullocks.

Anywhoosiebees the Small Bum thing don't stress over it. It's got something to do with spilled milk.

Peas on Toast said...

Muddle - I know! I seem to have picked up this nasty habit of loving men I cannot have and then not being interested in men who have something to offer me. So best I stay single, for everyone's sakes!

And yes, had the Small Bum wobbly, but am fine now. Something to do with spilt cane. ;)

muddlepuddle said...

Bless xxx

Peas on Toast said...

Ah bless, you used bless. :)

PS: Unshaven, after two dates, has picked up on it now too. He was saying 'bless' the whole bloody evening!

M said...

Hey Peas, Based on your recommendation, I ventured to Manhattans after a ridiculously long Friday lunch which only ended at 11pm. Manhattans is a blast, it is possible to drink thousands of Jagerbombs, chat to gorgeous women and dance wildly to some classic tunes all at the same time, Loved it! Ended up leaving at 03h30, thank goodness for Toot n Scoot as was seriously messy at that point. Serious respect for making it to Colonic on Sat...M

Peas on Toast said...

M - brilliant stuff! Look I'm in no way endorsing the place to the point of 'it's just the best nightclub in the whole world," because it's seriously not. But I've always had fun there, love the music ass shaking stuff, and hey, where else does one find that right? :)

Can you believe I made it to the Colon! I wasn't hammered so much on Friday, and sobered up pretty quick after having to cart bloody Unshaven around, but still - two big nights in a row. Was fun though!

Revolving Credit said...

So Peas, does this mean that Phil & Kyknoord are still in the running?

Helmut, ve vill now go to Attack Plan Bacchus, I repeat, Attack Plan Bacchus!

Billy said...

You next?



http://www.bizcommunity.com/Article/196/12/10839.html

Peas on Toast said...

Ah Rev, I've been waiting for that exact comment all day long! And you've managed to step up to the plate!

Well. Let's put it this way: no one is in the running for the moment. Not even Prince William or Jake Gyllenhaal, the men I fantasise over every day of my humble little life.

But I can't shtoink my vibrator forever. So as soon as things change - as in as soon as I get bored with having a relationship with myself, and at the moment, Peas does it for me in a big way, I'll certainly let all concerned know.

I have entered the Date Kyk competition for shits and giggles. Perhaps by October, or whenever the date happens, and that's IF I even get in! I may well be revving to go...:)

Champagne Heathen said...

"For the moment, it's so much less admin having a bloody man around...I honestly do not have the time or patience to fit him into my single life"

Along with a few other things you've typed today, Peas....never have truer words been blogged!

Oh, Phil, I nearly asked some guy if it was you when, on Friday night, some guy approached me & my friend at the bar counter and said, in a thick Israeli accent, "The way you two girls can talk, you must be Jewish!" I considered it a very interesting thought-out disguise, dear Helmut! He didn't score that night.

Daytripper said...

I'm still trying to figure out what Muddle has against castrated bulls....

Peas on Toast said...

Bill thanks for the link!
I saw that on Cherryflava's site. I haven't been approached by Audi yet, see, so as soon as they lend me an A3 to drive around in and do them the honours of mobile advertising, I'll hook them up onto my site free of charge. No problem. ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - I knew you'd empathise with those words my dear! :)

And, as for Phil, did you ask him whether he was Phil or (wink, wink, nudge nudge "Are you Helmut?")

Daytripper - bless, it's quite an analogy isn't it? :)

Revolving Credit said...

So what happened to the 'Fuck Buddy' interviews. We need to get more of those applications published. That shit could provide hours of entertaining reading.
May even be a good grounding for a book - How to find a Fuck Buddy in 21 days??

Or

How to fuck a buddy for 21 days?

Or Fuck Buddies for Dummies

or on for Champs:
The Fuck Buddy guide to a Women's Body and other stuffs as well.

:)

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - The Fuck Buddy guide to a Women's Body and other stuffs as well.

Wahahahaha!

Look I'm stuill going to take all fuck buddy applications. Because I never quite know when I'm going to need a no-strings attached bang. And judging by the horniness level of late, it may be sooner than later.

So keep the applications coming, they're bloody entertaining.:)

Champagne Heathen said...

Am I getting predictable then (with you knowing I'd agree)! Can't let that happen. It would make life far too easy for Helmut & the such...

And as for Helmut's Friday night attempt - I smiled sweetly, dealt out a good 5 minutes of convo to see whether he'd buy me a drink, realised I had little desire to buy him a drink, and so realised that it could not be Phil, and went on my extremely merry way.

Ah, Rev, since you seem to now know the other titles by the publishers, does this mean you've read the book yet?

Peas on Toast said...

Champs you don't seem the type to be too predictable, I wouldn't worry! :)

Revolving Credit said...

Does that mean your life is an open book?

Do the beau's normally lick their fingers before they turn the pages?

Hardcover or paperback?

Champagne Heathen said...

Makes one wonder if they'd like to be equated to a classic like "War & Peace" or a day-long read like "The Da Vinci Code"...

ATW said...

Hey Peas.. you can't have "eastern cape farmer" & unshaven without the canoe....Some guys are just a package deal. Sadly one can't cherry pick the good parts.

Some people are more fun drunk (viz Peas) - some are morose & confusing. I am not sure that the latter are always bad to be around?

Anonymous said...

cool post peas, keep it up

Peas on Toast said...

ATW - I realise that. That's why I laughed - the cliche being Eastern Cape farmer was completely bought to life with the canoe! :)
It wasn't so much that, or that he was morose drunk. I didn't feel a connection on a general scale. And Friday night just exacerbated it for me.

Anon - thanks doll face.

David said...

blixom

you need a vacation girl!

best wishes
David

David said...

Hi Peas

Crikey - you nee a vacation from all this to clear the mind!

take it easy

David

David said...

PS - that's me trying to get onto the internet - T'nternat if yo're from "up North"

Sorry for the duplicate message