So I thought doing a list of F was exceptionally random, even for me. The penny dropped. I’m meant to do a list of P, for Peas. What a dumbass.
Let’s try again:
Peas on Toast – An unsavoury savoury English meal. Or a 25-year old journalist that lives in Johannesburg and manages to cause her own chaos just by opening her mouth.
Poen – a name for a cookie, a gaschmutzen, a fnoo, a punani.
Plaatjies – Find this word printed on 6 pages of the peri-urban Western Cape phone directory.
Pissoir – French vernacular for place in which to spend a penny.
Pleated jeans – An 80s profanity.
Pull – To suck face. One needs to ‘go on the’ in order to come right.
Penis – a willy. Or a man that acts like one.
Pneumonia – excessive and dangerous levels of fluid in the alveoli of the lungs, started off by chronic bronchitis. Had this last year.
Psycho – when one needs a frontal lobotomy due to often unforeseen sociably inept behavioural patterns, and/or hearing voices in one’s head. Axe murderers, stalker ladies that want me dead, that sort of thing.
Penile Erectile Dysfunction – Hugh Hefner sorted his out by endorsing Viagra as his ‘favourite recreational drug.’
Planter’s wart – a thing that grows roots on the bottom of one’s foot when one doesn’t wear flip flops in the showers at boarding school.
Pretty – only used to its maximum potential when a Cape Flats local screams: ‘hey prittie, show me some pantie,’ at you.
Pie eater – a particularly rotund person that eats pies in monolithic quantities.
Pants – Trousers. Or when something is considered bullshit, its pants.
Punjabi MC – A cool Indian fellow that mixes bhangra and doof doof, hailing from Lenz Extension 13.
Poenda (The) – a town in the sticks, with a refinery, Hendrik Verwoerd Street and a crap load of mines. Where Third World Ant’s boyfriend unwittingly found himself with job.
Porsche – German engineering, like how all cars should be made. I’d turn down one for a 2.0 litre T Audi A3. It just comes down to personal taste.
Prunella Scales – Cybil, wife of Basil, in Fawlty Towers.
Pietermaritzburg – where I was extracted via C-Section from my mother’s uterus. The place responsible for the highest drinking rate per capita in the world, before Vegas, before Moscow. At R2/two shots on Commercial Road, one can imagine why.
Pearls – Old money.
Plastic – New money.
Pearl necklace – when someone jizzes between yer tits.
Perky – why I love my B Cups.
Phuck – Gangsta talk for ‘fuck.’
Phat – not rotund, cool.
Poland – Capital Warsaw. Eastern Bloc.
Purgatory – Us Catholics find ourselves here when we’ve had sex before marriage. It’s not a nice place, or so the Pope reckons.
Phil – my cyber friend with a black convertible, wine panache, and a debonair attitude. Lives in Kyalami. Bet he races around the track too.
Peace – what people have been shooting and bombing each other for to find, since forever. Often blame religion in order to justify.
Putaine – bitch in French.
Porous – Paris Hilton’s koppel.
Plastered – when a wall is smeared with concrete, smoothed over and painted. Or when one is blotto.
Procter & Gamble – a large pharmaceutical company.
Procreation – the evolutionary plan.
Primi Piatti – an Italian restaurant chain where waiters take your order on scooters and wear orange overalls. Make fruity jam jars filled with enough vodka to annihilate a pregnant goat.
Porn – Voyeuristic sexual acts, played out in front of a camera. Not for under 18s.
Porno – A Natal word for dodgy.
Perignon, Dom – What I drank on Saturday night.
Prophylaxis – anti-malarial tablets. Side effects include mental instability and physical discomfort. I experienced the latter, with my fingernails falling out and extreme photosensitivity, where I looked like Rudolf for three weeks.
Porra – Sub-standard soccer players, as quoted directly from Porra Third Roommate. Think espetadas, that national rooster thing you find on Portuguese tea towels, cork stoppers, fridge magnets…
Pina coladas – Not only do I drink these in the pouring rain, I drink these in the sun, and in the back of cars.
Patricia Lewis – Hails from Glenvista, Joburg South, did soft German porn flick (schneller mein kleinen chatzie, schneller), has yellow hair and owns an extraordinary amount of leopard print unitards, was Miss Southgate back in the 80s, had public media argument with her nemesis Amor Vittone (You, March 2005), can be heard on her latest album, Bok Treffers Sestien.
Pooh – something boys do.
Prick – a dude with a small knob. And compensates with a 5 series BMW.
Plutonium - Symbol Pt. One tablespoon of Pt placed on the side of the road in Brits will kill everyone in Johannesburg, nevermind those unfortunate enough to live in Brits itself. My science teacher told me so. Radiation poisoning is something epic: if you’re stupid enough to pick up that spoonful of plutonium, the skin on your hand goes translucent, you can see all the way through to the bone, then your hand self-implodes, then you, like, die of cancer.
Peas – spheroid little green vegetables that explode under the molars if cooked right.