Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Doh. P list.

So I thought doing a list of F was exceptionally random, even for me. The penny dropped. I’m meant to do a list of P, for Peas. What a dumbass.
Let’s try again:

Peas on Toast – An unsavoury savoury English meal. Or a 25-year old journalist that lives in Johannesburg and manages to cause her own chaos just by opening her mouth.

Poen – a name for a cookie, a gaschmutzen, a fnoo, a punani.

Plaatjies – Find this word printed on 6 pages of the peri-urban Western Cape phone directory.

Pissoir – French vernacular for place in which to spend a penny.

Pleated jeans – An 80s profanity.

Pull – To suck face. One needs to ‘go on the’ in order to come right.

Penis – a willy. Or a man that acts like one.

Pneumonia – excessive and dangerous levels of fluid in the alveoli of the lungs, started off by chronic bronchitis. Had this last year.

Psycho – when one needs a frontal lobotomy due to often unforeseen sociably inept behavioural patterns, and/or hearing voices in one’s head. Axe murderers, stalker ladies that want me dead, that sort of thing.

Penile Erectile Dysfunction – Hugh Hefner sorted his out by endorsing Viagra as his ‘favourite recreational drug.’

Planter’s wart – a thing that grows roots on the bottom of one’s foot when one doesn’t wear flip flops in the showers at boarding school.

Pretty – only used to its maximum potential when a Cape Flats local screams: ‘hey prittie, show me some pantie,’ at you.

Pie eater – a particularly rotund person that eats pies in monolithic quantities.

Pants – Trousers. Or when something is considered bullshit, its pants.

Punjabi MC – A cool Indian fellow that mixes bhangra and doof doof, hailing from Lenz Extension 13.

Poenda (The) – a town in the sticks, with a refinery, Hendrik Verwoerd Street and a crap load of mines. Where Third World Ant’s boyfriend unwittingly found himself with job.

Porsche – German engineering, like how all cars should be made. I’d turn down one for a 2.0 litre T Audi A3. It just comes down to personal taste.

Prunella Scales – Cybil, wife of Basil, in Fawlty Towers.

Pietermaritzburg – where I was extracted via C-Section from my mother’s uterus. The place responsible for the highest drinking rate per capita in the world, before Vegas, before Moscow. At R2/two shots on Commercial Road, one can imagine why.

Pearls – Old money.

Plastic – New money.

Pearl necklace – when someone jizzes between yer tits.

Perky – why I love my B Cups.

Phuck – Gangsta talk for ‘fuck.’

Phat – not rotund, cool.

Poland – Capital Warsaw. Eastern Bloc.

Purgatory – Us Catholics find ourselves here when we’ve had sex before marriage. It’s not a nice place, or so the Pope reckons.

Phil – my cyber friend with a black convertible, wine panache, and a debonair attitude. Lives in Kyalami. Bet he races around the track too.

Peace – what people have been shooting and bombing each other for to find, since forever. Often blame religion in order to justify.

Putaine – bitch in French.

Porous – Paris Hilton’s koppel.

Plastered – when a wall is smeared with concrete, smoothed over and painted. Or when one is blotto.

Procter & Gamble – a large pharmaceutical company.

Procreation – the evolutionary plan.

Primi Piatti – an Italian restaurant chain where waiters take your order on scooters and wear orange overalls. Make fruity jam jars filled with enough vodka to annihilate a pregnant goat.

Porn – Voyeuristic sexual acts, played out in front of a camera. Not for under 18s.

Porno – A Natal word for dodgy.

Perignon, Dom – What I drank on Saturday night.

Prophylaxis – anti-malarial tablets. Side effects include mental instability and physical discomfort. I experienced the latter, with my fingernails falling out and extreme photosensitivity, where I looked like Rudolf for three weeks.

Porra – Sub-standard soccer players, as quoted directly from Porra Third Roommate. Think espetadas, that national rooster thing you find on Portuguese tea towels, cork stoppers, fridge magnets…

Pina coladas – Not only do I drink these in the pouring rain, I drink these in the sun, and in the back of cars.

Patricia Lewis – Hails from Glenvista, Joburg South, did soft German porn flick (schneller mein kleinen chatzie, schneller), has yellow hair and owns an extraordinary amount of leopard print unitards, was Miss Southgate back in the 80s, had public media argument with her nemesis Amor Vittone (You, March 2005), can be heard on her latest album, Bok Treffers Sestien.

Pooh – something boys do.

Prick – a dude with a small knob. And compensates with a 5 series BMW.

Plutonium - Symbol Pt. One tablespoon of Pt placed on the side of the road in Brits will kill everyone in Johannesburg, nevermind those unfortunate enough to live in Brits itself. My science teacher told me so. Radiation poisoning is something epic: if you’re stupid enough to pick up that spoonful of plutonium, the skin on your hand goes translucent, you can see all the way through to the bone, then your hand self-implodes, then you, like, die of cancer.

Peas – spheroid little green vegetables that explode under the molars if cooked right.



Anonymous said...

Hey queen pea

How is this day for you? Ever feel like going to live on "the beach" would be a great idea. Now would you be the one to move the friend that got eaten or be the friend that stays:)

Peas on Toast said...

Hi Anon

I'd love to live on the beach. Especially today! :)

Anonymous said...

Tell me about it, chilling in a hammock with the sun on my face. Hey I have some interesting facts for you. Even found one that made me think of you.
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..

Peas on Toast said...

Nice Anon!
Although getting married in June in Joburg has got to be slightly overrated. What would one wear to their own wedding - a polar bear outfit? :)

Billy said...

Morning Peas.

Jam said...

Hehehe. I return to this...
Peas, you have too much time on your hands...
Please get out some more to play.

Peas on Toast said...

Bill - morning sunshine.

Jam - The funny thing is, I don't have that much time. I have a deadline looming that threatens to annihilate me before next week. I have too much boredom on my hands. Sigh. :)

Jam said...

Boredom is a silent killer...
I am seriously struggling to focus this morning. The pile of work I have to trawl through is not dying, however. Only me.

Daytripper said...

Isn't it just amazing how many other things one can find to do when one should be working......

Champagne Heathen said...

Especially when that priority assignment is one's tax forms....fck fck fck...4 days left...

fly said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
fly said...

"Porno" means bad in Natal ?! ....isnt it the opposite here ??? for instance if im wearing "porno" shoes, thats generally considered cool isnt it... ???

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...another reason to stay away from Natal....

Ramone Allones said...

Hey Peas,

Making a habit of this but here's my Oscar Wilde Quote for the week- "I never travel without my diary. One should always have something sensational to read in the train."

Something similar applies to this blog- especially seeing as the peas is returning to form! Grrreat times

Crisis are tax returns due at the end of this week!? Fark. as if i don't have enough work to avoid already.

Peas on Toast said...

Daytripper & Jam - P is for procrastination! It's amazing how I'll do anything to avoid work - good luck guys!

Champs - good luck doll face. I attacked mine this weekend. I have a headache just thinking about them...

Fly - yip, sorry my dear. Porno means dodgy, not necessarily bad, but cheesy, odd in Natal.

Ramone - why hello there cupcake!
Good luck for those tax returns, it sucks the balls. And thanks for your Oscar quote - could this become a weekly thing? I hope so! :)

Revolving Credit said...

P is for Pudenda....

Anonymous said...

Revolving credit:I cant believe this:(

plural noun

1. The external sexual organs, especially those of a woman.

Etymology: 17c: Latin, literally ‘things to be ashamed of', from pudere to be ashamed.

Champagne Heathen said...

Tax extension requested. Click Click. Tax extension granted. Yeah!!
You have to love that the one government department, that which deals with taking our money off us, works so efficiently & is technologically so enhanced!! And that my old employers know how to procrastinate better than I do!

Possibly pretty perfect!

Peas on Toast said...

Pudenda? My new word for the day!

Champs - the whole thing with bloody tax returns I find is getting all the right IRP-5 forms, etc etc. It's a mission. It's too much bother for the amount of stress.

Jam said...

Oh bugger! Tax....

Revolving Credit said...


It's like 70's porno music

Peas on Toast said...

yes that evil little bureacracy haunts us at the worst time ever...

other-duke said...

i agree with Jam - too much time on your hands.

check out my new post if you have a chance

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