Tuesday, July 11, 2006


Originally uploaded by peas on toast.
So we may not have a place in which to live next week. Due to epic noise, blasphemy, debauchery and pseudo-singing of astronomical proportions.

This is me trolleyed in a trolley.

You’ll be pleased to know that this occurred in the comfort of our living room, and not in a public area where people could stare and wonder how me, this freak of nature, didn’t make it into the circus. I am singing, into a supersonic decibel-regulated microphone mind you, the Southpark Terence & Philip rendition of Shut Your Fucking Face Unclefucker. The words are charmingly explicit, and I’m sure Mrs Goldberg upstairs nearly ate her own toothbrush out of shock:

Shut your fucking face Unclefucker
You’re a cock sucking ass licking Unclefucker
You’re an Unclefucker
Yes it’s true
Nobody fucks uncles quite like you
You don’t eat or sleep or mow the lawn
You just fuck your uncle all day long
That’s U, N, C, L, E, fuck you, unclefucker!
Suck my balls.

That, and Kyle’s Mom Is A Stupid Bitch, and It’s Easy Mkay. Not a hundred percent on how the trolley ended up in our apartment, or why I am wearing my Lusitoland Vegas showgirl special (See Doc, told you I’d wear it again),
Or even how I got in and out of the trolley after three bottles of wine, shared with my ever willing flatmate, The Ant. (She got in the trolley too, we stood up, sang Annie, then realised she didn’t have hospital plan, so got out hastily before limbs were broken.)
To conclude: you can live a perfectly exciting and booze-filled existence when taking on the role of agoraphobic recluse.

The trolley comes from Checkers. How the fuck?

Went as T’s date to a corporate celebration on Saturday – drank Dom Perignon and went to the loo, only to tuck my satin skirt into my doondies on the way out. And that’s how I waltzed around Assaggi the whole evening. In front of his boss and his lovely wife. I make a great corporate date. I’m available on 555-555-5.

In other news, Cute UnShaven asked me to go to dinner with him this Thursday. I was in two minds about accepting, mainly because I had kinda laughed him off, not hearing from him for a week. But neverthless, I said I would join him, haven't much to lose at this point.

And France lost the fucking World Cup. I almost started crying last night during the nailbiting match. The deal was if Italy won, I have to make Ant my Saumon a la Va Va Voom. (If France won, she had to make me risotto con funghi.) Oh dear.


Daytripper said...

Sometimes, reading your posts, i am truly amazed that you DO live in a block of flats! You must indeed have very tolerant neighbours!
My weekend was way more laidback as i left the singing to others!

Peas on Toast said...

Luckily Daytripper we have thick solid walls.

Our neighbours, they LOVE us. ;) See, whenever we get the chance, we drop off fruit baskets and calloect their mail for them. Well, not quite, but we're always very friendly! :)

Daytripper said...

Cunning! very cunning~!

muddlepuddle said...

You my dear, are a very very special fucking individual!!

What a riot! Reminds me of the days back in g'town - kleptomaniacs we were stole everything from anywhere when we got pissed! Crackling mmmmm...

Good on ya Peas!!

P.S. thought about you and Ant watching the soccer last night on the edge of your seat whilst Third roomate bitched about it not being a Portuguese final!

fly said...

hmmmmm..... I remember the time I walked into my flatmates room and discovered a club system he had borrowed from someone... ?! wtf...he did promise me he wouldnt hammer the system....sure...

Unsuprisingly we got letters of warning from the other tenents due to noise....who wouldve thought...I evicted about 2 weeks later...he deserved it...he broke my couch as well....

And funny...I pictured you with short blonde hair....how bizarre, how bizarre... :O)

kyknoord said...

Sounds like everyone had a blast. You've been quoted, btw.

Peas on Toast said...

Muddle - Third Roommate didn't even want to watch it with us, can you imagine the nerve! He was just too put out! ;) It was one helluva match. Surprised I have any hair left after that penalty shoot out. And now dinner is on me!

Fly - he does deserve it! I did have short blonde hair once. ;)

Kyknoord - ha ha! Thanks big guy, hilarious! ;)

muddlepuddle said...

Well I guess Ant deserves your Saumon a la Va Va Voom, Italy won fair and square.
But just so Third Roomate doesn't feel all left out - go to Kosher Nandos get him a chicken burger piri-piri hot! with a side order of gefilte fish!

Peas on Toast said...

I'm not so ceratin about fair and square!
Penalty shootout is pot luck most of the time, the ITies played well first half, then Zidane stupidly went and lost his cool and fucked up the game for France! It was a tight match!

But I'm sure I'll get over it. Like, eventually. :)

zuzula said...

I am on a mission to find out what that guy said to Zidane to make him go so crazy. it must have been horrible!

Champagne Heathen said...

I'm just lost and confused about how you managed to carry the trolley up the many flights of stairs. You seem to live in a block like mine (Rosebank) and there is little chance anything wider than my tv could fit up the stairwell. One of those feats of drunken disorder.

You gotta go on the date! And be sure to have cocktails during the date. The Circle Restaurant in Greenside was always excellent for this. Get him to drink their chams/red bull cocktail & things will go very well...

Et, aussi, MERDE!

muddlepuddle said...

Yes I suppose you could call it a soccer lottery - however it does still take a little skill.

As for Zidane - didn't want to bring it up!

Theory on what caused that bullrun Peas?

Peas on Toast said...

Zu and Muddle - I know! Usually Zidane is your avergae cool-headed Frenchie. What the hell did that Italian bastard say to him?? The Ant reckons its way worse than a blase "va funchula", (go fuck yourself). I think he said something about Zidane's mother. Mediterranean continentals don't stand for no mother-bashing talk. So could be along the lines of "I fucked your mother last night." Who knows?

Champs - I'm flummoxed. We live on the ground floor, but there are stairs leading into the building. The most plausible theory is that we found the trolley in the building already and decided to just somma wheel it into our lounge. And yes! Cocktails all round if I go on this date. I'm a bit out of practice when it comes to flirting outrageously with Cute Unshaven men...

Champagne Heathen said...

I reckon it was something about his wife. And he was defending her honour.

Others reckon also the mother insult, racist insults, or homosexual insults & the italian saying he was in love with Zazou.

Champagne Heathen said...

One of my frenchies just mailed me this, "When U know that the Italian's insult to Zidane was "fuckin' terrorist & arab" (Zidane is originally from Algeria), I think lots of people would have lost control !!!"

So that's what the french at least are believing...

Suavé said...


Listen guys I dont care what you say, there is NOTHING justifiable for what he did. In my eyes these are the worst things the Italian could have said:

1. I pomped you mam last night.
2. Something racial.
3. Something about his children(if he has any)

In any case that is no way to react. I can understand that he must have been pissed off but jeez guy, to head butt him like that? Gawd Damn! At least step on his shoe and get a yellow card or whatever. Crazy summamabitch!

Anyway I'm also sad France lost. ;(


Peas on Toast said...

Champs - yes it's probably a racist thing. The FRench are hellish xenophobes.
And Suave, fair enough head butting not good - but the ITies fall over when someone breathes on them, so I guess he gave the guy something real to cry about. ;)

Crappola. And The Ant isn't letting me off easy for her gourmet dinner tonight!

Billy said...

Im just pissed Zidane didnt get the fucker in the face. If your going to get a red and a firestorm of shit for a headbutt at least make it count!

I have never seen such a bunch of little twits diving around like the Italians last night. It was an embarrisment to the game.

Peas on Toast said...

Nicely said Bill!

It was quite the theatrical performance, wasn't it!

Billy said...

Imagine if they really do get hurt? It would be a fucken opera!

Peas on Toast said...

Cue Andrea Boccelli! :)

Have you seen the emails going around today - featuring ITie moments of drama - hilarious!

Inyoka said...

When Henry sauntered off I knew they had lost it. But... I thought... the Marsailles Muslim is still there, so there's hope. Then the stupid bugger head buts an opposition player. I had a Victor Meldrew moment. I don't believe it. I just don't believe it.

Don't know what you saw on your feed, but they showed Materazzi come up behind Zidane, put his arms around him and (perhaps?) tweak his nipple. The walk off. A few words. A big space between them. Zidane turns around, walks up and head buts him in the chest.

And of course like a typical prima domnna nancy wancy wanker footballer, he falls to thew ground as if he is dying. I hate it when they do that, over paid, underperforming twats.

I really wanted France to win as we have a lot of French players in our Premiership.

Up the Arsenal!

Peas on Toast said...

Inyoka - tis true. When Henry left the park after 30 seconds of play, I knew it was going to be one helluva drama queen frustrating match. I have the grey hairs to prove it.

Saw the alleged 'nipple tweaking' but didn't think the head buttign thing had much to do with that - I thought it was what came out the ITie's mouth.

Shitty game, mainly cos the penalty kicks at the end don't give the teams justice. It's kind of a shitty way to end the World Cup. Disappointed. Hmmph.

(Sacre furking bleu!)

third roommate said...

a note on the meal: peas, you're gonna have to buy more salmon than the scrap lying in the fridge. it wouldn't be enough to make my cat happy. and don't think you're gonna get away with filling anyone up on your poxy potato bake either

Revolving Credit said...

Hiya Peas & Peazoids

Personally thought soccer was mediorce so won't elaborate.

The trolley however is cool - when I was a student staying in Rondebosch I do recall having a drunken party in the flat I shared with some mates. We found a trolley which we used to transport the booze from the bottle store to our flat ( also managed to transport 1x friend who hitched a lift to the party). Once the trolley made it to the balcony though, it stayed. It ended up being a great place to pack shit outside. When we moved out, the trolley was still there and may still be there today. I have a pic of the friend lying in the trolley with all the booze, somewhere. If I find I'll post it. What a lag it was!!

(PS. trolley was a tight fit in elevator)

Peas on Toast said...

Third roommate - sorry, are you invited or something? ;)

Rev - it's funny how trollies and booze seem to merge on a frightfully frequent level. :)

Revolving Credit said...

Well, if you're going to get trolleyed, you might as well do it properly!

Peas on Toast said...

Correct! And what better way than with, well, ...a trolley. :)

Revolving Credit said...

Mmmm....does that mean I can call you 'Cartman'?

Antarctica Boy said...

Peas, the singing in the trolley (OK we call them 'carts', and the dress in the 'doondies', well I think you're on the road to recovery and not the other way around. I don't know which is more insane, your entertainment or running outside bare-assed when it's -100F/-75C.

Trajic about the World Cup. At least there was no head butting between you and Ant.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - you can call me Cartman, you can call me Queen Elizabeth II - you can call me anything you like! :)

Antarctica oy - I think running around in your doondies at -100 degrees is crazypants right there! Please don't tell me you do it? ;)

Antarctica Boy said...

Peas, no we ran outside w/o doondies. '300 Club' baby!

Anonymous said...

Cute unshaven guy fallen off the radar? You may want to see this fellow again....I'm lead to believe that Eastern Cape farmers are the most well hung in the business!!!

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