Tuesday, August 01, 2006

The sort-of A-Z guide of a day-in-the-life-of a Jozi girl

A is for Ass – As in slide it up and down a glass wall in an effort to look sophisticated, when really you just look drunk.

B is for Bruise – Two on my arm. Either I fell over (which I really didn’t), or I boofed my own arm after coming home at 2:30am and passing out in bed.

C is for Condoms and Coffee – I haven’t seen a condom in 2,5 months. But I did meet C, The Dove and my parents for coffee this weekend on three separate occasions. Bottega in Parkhurst does a nice cappuccino.

D is for Dildo – Pretty, our lovely maid, finally found mine.

E is for Era – Or the end of an.

F is for Friends – I am a girl who loves hers to pieces. My best friends are the siblings I never had. They are incredible people.

G is for Graunch – The Ant and I, in a bid to have a bit of girly giggly fun, randomly graunched each other throughout the evening Friday at a friend’s birthday party. (The Gilb, her boyfriend, said it was ok.) Tongue-boofing has never been so funny. In front of our shocked male friends.

H is for Hat – I went to a party Saturday where everyone got a free one.

I is for Ice – I hit the rink again on Sunday evening.

J is for Juice – I drink a lot of juice.

K is for Kitchen – If you can’t take the heat, get out of it.

L is for Lace – 90% of my underwear. Looks good, and feels even better.

M is for Mastication – (You thought I’d say something else didn’t you?) It’s important to chew one’s food as thoroughly as possible before swallowing.

N is for Norman Bates – He boofed his mother. (Not that this has anything to do with an A-Z girly Jozi guide, but it’s still worth a mention.)

O is for One Out Of Every 100 000 – that’s how many people read my blog in the world. It is a tiny, tiny, tiny slice of the entire pie, if Earth can de described as an apple crumble, say. This is good. Because if I ever up and move to, say, Estonia, nobody there would have an agenda with me.

P is for Pulsate – my favourite store in this city, followed closely by The Space at Rosebank. The only reason I really go to Sandton City is to fondle and purchase ad liberatum exquisite clothes at Pulsate. And when they have freak half-price sales like this weekend, my eyes glaze over and I become a bitch on a clothing heat.

Q is for Quiet Time – we all need some, for deep contemplation and when Home & Away is on.

R is for Razzle – When we go out on a razzle. Like hit clubs and shit.

S is for Sell-By Date – Off milk, or when it’s over, or expendable relationships.

T is for Tit – A bird, a boob. The former is more acceptable to show off in public than the latter. (“Can I show you Cyril my budgie?”)

U is for – Unchartered territory. Or not. The Chic Jozi Pocketbook, which gives an extensive directory from nurseries, to museums, to shopping, to places to eat and dance in Joburg, indicates that I’ve done 99% of everything here. I’ve yet to shake ass at The Rock, Soweto’s premier and ever up-and-coming club, however.

V is for Vindaloo – the best can be devoured at Kapitan’s, in the city centre.

W is for Winter – I’m over it. Officially.

X is for X-ray Vision – I have a gift. I can see whether a man has nice legs through his jeans.

Y is for Y-Fronts – male doondies that should be burned en masse. Especially when they come in those Woolies 3-colour packs. (Paisley, Russian Reds and square patterns.)

Z is for Zzzzz – Sleep is always welcome. We spend a third of our lives doing it.


Martin said...

To be honest, I prefer cotton to lace. But hey, that's just me.

Peas on Toast said...

I'm glad. Because men don't usually wear lace.


Phil said...

Good point Peas. Wonder how you and most women would react if, in the moment of passion, you realised the man who was about to be your next and hopefully wonderful shag, was wearing lace underwear....no matter the style thereof.....

Scary? Or thrilled that he loves the feel of lace as much as you do?


Phil said...

Good point Peas. Wonder how you and most women would react if, in the moment of passion, you realised the man who was about to be your next and hopefully wonderful shag, was wearing lace underwear....no matter the style thereof.....

Scary? Or thrilled that he loves the feel of lace as much as you do?


Martin said...

There's just something about the way cotton hugs curves that makes it a better option...

No offense though, I'm sure you look just fine in lace.

Peas on Toast said...

Phil - it would be downright scary if my shag of the evening was wearing lace doondies. I'd run. And scream. Possibly.

Martin - Yes, I declare I look just fine in lace.

Phil said...

Unless he was like a Robbie Williams lookalike I guess....funny how, as with guys, strange things seem to upset women less if he is really HOT!

Phil said...

And Peas......PLEASE dont say "shag of the evening" - that implies a one night stand and we ALL know you are WAY WAY above THAT stuff....

Peas on Toast said...

Phil - even if he was Jake Gyllenhaal, my ultimate favourite, and he was wearing a lacey number, I'd decline. It's that bad.

And fair enough, I don't do one night stands, but it's always nice to fantasise I guess.

Revolving Credit said...

I think what really scares her is that said guy may look better in the lace than she does, and no woman would want to take that chance!

Phil said...

Another Excellent Point....but then all men would run if the ladies "bonnet" was bulgier than theirs' - surely - I sure as hell would STILL be running

Jam said...

Peas you have to stop abusing yourself like this - first ice skating ass falling and now bruised arms. Oh dear.
I love the random and extensive use of the word "boof" too!
And lace is certainly secier than cotton. Well, that's just my humble female opinion anyway.

Jam said...

(doh! Cold typing fingers)

Revolving Credit said...

But then again, nothing beats the feeling of silk against your body.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - yes. He may look better than me in lace, but I wouldn't do a double take to check. ;)

Jam - you'll be happy to know I didn't fall on the ice last night! I came close a couple of times, but no ass on ice. Phew!

Rev - you have silk doondies?

other-duke said...

the sun is rising earlier and earlier each day - i despise the fact that i can tell you this first-hand, but winter (as they say in france) can politely fuck off... now

Revolving Credit said...

Silk pyjamas are just great in winter

Daytripper said...

hell, I am such a philistine... my cro magnon attitude is that sexy underwear is brilliant, and I have become very adept at assessing it in the micro seconds available to my brain between actually being alllowed to see the stuff, and the removing of it... generally I prefer what is in the underwear to the underwear itself, if you know what i mean!

Peas on Toast said...

Other-duke - christ, I agree. It is getting lighter, but since it's like 6 degrees in Jozi today, I am cold and uncomfortable and pissed off with winter generally.

Rev - ah bless! I prefer that pyjama material myself. And since no one of importance sees my pyjamas, I get to flit around my house looking most unsexy. I love it.

Peas on Toast said...

Daytripper - a cookie lies therein. :)

muddlepuddle said...

Whilst chatting about lace underwear versus cotton this morning is a rather interesting topic that one can immerse ones self in I find it odd that this is what all the men latched onto in todays most welcome dose of Peas.


Guys fuck me with a bent barge pole THATS HOT!! (not to mention good on the Gilb - Ant you've got yourself a keeper)

Peas my girl I wish I was your mate more and more each day. You fucking rock - which by the way I have been there you will fucking love it.

(Although if we were mates and we added my mates to your mates, we'd have a mass orgy of straight women sucking each others nipples, which means no cock and no condoms. Unless we blew them up and bounced them round the room at our lacy sleepwear parties?!!??)

Peas on Toast said...

Muddle - "Guys fuck me with a bent barge pole THATS HOT!"
Fuck that's hysterical, I'm wiping tears of mirth from my eyeballs as we speak.

You rock too. Fuck you make me laugh.
It's hilarious: about 6 people have asked me if I'm straight now. I'm like: Ya-ha I'm fucking straight!


muddlepuddle said...

people don't get it do they??

just bcoz we kiss our best girl mates does not make us 100% gay.
it just means we enjoy the tender moment only best girl friends can share and it means we are open to exploring all avenues!
kissing girls is soooo completely different to kissing boys and lucky us peasypoo that we have fist hand knowledge of both!!

it is this that makes us tigers in the sack!our sense of adventure and fok dit dis okay attitude!

ps have you been fukt with a bent barge pole before??!! blimey it would be interesting!!??

Peas on Toast said...

Muddle - Can't say I've been fucked with a bent barge pole before, no.

How hilarious. I actually had to depart from my desk and go and have a giggle outside. :)

Girls kissing girls is so normal, it's frightening. Thing is, this isn't something I do regularly. But gosh it is fun! :)

And yes, I think experimenting with multiple facets of sexuality makes one better in the sack. :)

Shortypam said...

got to agree with the lace... nothing beats racy lacy lingerie... and jake gyllenhal running his hands all over that lingerie while u wearin it... man im horny!!!

muddlepuddle said...

Ja...haven't experienced a bent barge pole up my gunch but I'll probably wonder about it for the rest of today..

Kissing girls not something I do often either but its definitely got its place in the world.

Glad you're giggling princess peasypoo!

Peas on Toast said...

Shorty - Fuck isn't Jake just a steak?
(Steak is my new word for hot oke).

Muddle - I'm trying to imagine the easthetics surrounding a barge pole and my poen as well. How hilarious!

Revolving Credit said...

The graphic is hilarious, if not somewhat disturbing.

'Navigating your barge down the Danube, using your poen as an improvised steering mechanism while waving to some tourists in the a passing ferry, all this while clad in your lace coveralls and stilettos'

So my question is: What's in the barge???
(Apologies but I think the morning's coffee has spiked my brain)

Shortypam said...

steak... i like it.. so what kinda steak is he? id say a nice medium well fillet, nice, juicy and very delectible

Daedalus said...

G for Guy – something you called Daedalus the other day Humpf! :|

Anonymous said...

After a hectic girl-girl snogging session, when asked about my sexual orientation my standard response is, "No, I'm not a lesbian. I like women AND I like men... And I see no reason why I can't have both. Preferably together...!!"

kyknoord said...

I also used to think I had X-ray vision. Turned out it only worked on glass and plastic and sort of with lace.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I always imagined the barge to be empty. But perhaps my Monday morning imagination has hit a wall...

Shorty - medium rare definitely. And smothered in a mushroom and pepper sauce.
Or the likes thereof. :)

Daedalus - hey guy! :)

Anon - The Ant is only like the third girl I've ever smooched. It's fun. Why? Because they were my friends, they won't ask for my number afterwards or try to get me to shag them, and it's all in the name of fun. No relationships attached. ;)

Kyk - that's quite a gift you have there. Don't sell yourself short. :)

Revolving Credit said...

So what did Pretty do when she found your whacker? Did she polish it???

guppa said...

distraught you do not really take to tangas and such, i mean - if peas doesn't like em- i'm gonna have to throw mine away !!

Third World Ant said...

Before reading your entire dictionary, I quickly scrolled to K (for kiss), then S (for snog), and thought you'd overlooked our weekend intimacy! Glad to see you enjoyed the Graunch! (not my first word of choice for the act, to be honest).
Muddle - shortly after the kiss, a bisexual chick starting hitting on me. So the assumptions work both ways - both imposed by straight and gay and bisexual people alike.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - no. She politely put it on my nightstand, where it was in another drawer before that. I think it's time to find it a new hiding place.

Guppay - dollface we've discussed this in great detail - how many times have I told you to bin the tangas my boy? ;)


Peas on Toast said...

Yip she rather liked you Ant.

And the tongue-boofing was a pleasure. :) tee hee.

Shortypam said...

good one rev. i also want to know, did she freak out like when my mom found my rabbit?

Peas on Toast said...

Shorty - I'm not sure. I'm hoping that Pretty is blessed with tolerance and understanding, as well as a healthy sense of humour. Or maybe she thought it was a Mica powertool? :)

My mum found my dildo earlier this year. THAT was hectic.

Daedalus said...


Hey pops. :)

muddlepuddle said...

Peas we need a player tonight - u keen????

Inyoka said...


As a figures man, I am checking your stats.

With an estimated current world population of 6,531,824,974, (give or take a few untypical Lebanese civilian deaths) you would have to have 65318 different visitors to your site to claim one in a hundred thousand of the population as visitors. The correct figure is one in 131177.

I guess you are doing a journalistic thing and rounding off to the nearest 100 000, which, I suppose, is close enough, given that the projected figures will give you that in a relatively short while.

Sorry - I have been a total pain in the ass ever since being able to do the four basic operations faster than my teacher.

I am glad that your winter is over. Enjoy the spring while we still bask in the hottest July ever. We are loving it but the locals are finding it a bit much.