Saturday, July 29, 2006

the life and times of joe dobbie

Oh this poor chop.

I received an email yesterday that has been sent through Britain like a wild bush fire, finding it’s way to South Africa, back to Britain, probably to Australia and then back to South Africa and back to the UK again.

The story about this email was published in The Star yesterday.

It must’ve been forwarded at least 25 times. Each time to between 10 and 100 people. Total about 30 000 people maybe. That’s quite a few in-boxes right there. By the time it got to my in-box, one starts chuckling in disbelief as one scrolls down to the offending email at the bottom. It was entitled “FW: How NOT to ask a girl out.”

The poor bloke had left his mobile and email address at the bottom of it too. All while scrolling down, the same sentiment was passed from one forward to the next:
“Poor fucker, his life is ruined.”
“Scroll down. This is priceless.”
“This is classic. If just one person out there can learn from this poor dude's approach, then there'll be one less creeped out lady out there.”
“This is genius...he thinks he's Will Shakespeare”
“If this bloke can get a date - everyone has to have a chance.”

The chap had sent the email to some bird he met on Saturday night. It went as so:

From: Joe Dobbie
To: Kate Winsall

Hello Kate,

It’s Joe - we met at Andrew’s party. I hope you don’t mind me getting your email address from the email that Andy sent to us all; it is a bit sneaky of me.

It was wonderful to meet you on Saturday, and I wonder if you would consider meeting me for coffee sometime; maybe at the Tate Modern?

OK. This is where my common sense is telling me to stop? Keep it simple and positive Joe. And the probability of me listening to that voice? Experience has taught me that it is not worth putting up a fight; I will end up giving in to the part of me that never wants to find itself shaking its head and muttering “if only?”

This is the part where I throw caution to the wind; the part where I listen to my heart and remember that I should live my life as an exultation and revel in the opportunity to try; the part where I refuse to apologize for who I am; the part where I trust that the lady I met on Saturday night is, as I suspect, able to see sincerity where others would see clich .

I am fortunate enough to have been able to collect a number of special memories. They are memories of moments that made any struggle leading up to them worthwhile. They are memories of moments when I am struck by something so beautiful, time stands still and all of the ugliness in the world ceases to exist. Your smile is the freshest of my special memories.

Regardless of whether we see each other again, I will use it as I do my other special memories. I will call on it when I am disheartened or low. I will hold it in my heart when I need inspiration. I will keep it with me for moments when I need to find a smile of my own. I am unsure of all my motives for sharing this with you and, if I am honest, not ready to examine them too closely. However, I know that it makes me feel good to believe that maybe, if you are ever upset, knowing that I will be keeping your smile alive might help you through.

If you are half as intelligent and aware as I believe you to be, I am sure that you will find what I have written, in the very least, sweet. If I am twice as lucky as I would dare to hope, you will find this note charming and agree to contact me and arrange a date.
Either way, I trust that your reply will be candid - you told me how much you value honesty.

One last thing, I promise that it is enormously rare for me to stray as far from sobriety as I managed on Saturday night.

Be safe.

I decided to email him myself, using his personal details that followed, just to see whether he is for real. He probably gets emails all the time now, with quotations extending from “Hello Hamlet/Dude you’re such a chop/was that email thing true.)

Email conversation:
From: [Peas On Toast] used my work email, with my journalist signature at the bottom.
To: Joe Dobbie

Hi Joe.

From: Joe Dobbie
To: [Peas On Toast]

Hi [Peas On Toast]

To: Joe Dobbie
From [Peas]

So how are you? Who are you?

To: [Peas]
From: Joe Dobbie

Dear [Peas On Toast],

Thank you for your e-mail.
I have an obligation to the Daily Mail and, until they are finished with me, I am unable to take part in discussions with other publications, television and radio stations.
I may be a journalist, but did I say anything about wanting your story? – Ed]

The Daily Mail has indicated that they are likely to release me from my obligation early, possibly by the beginning of next week. Please feel free to contact me at the beginning of next week if you are still interested.

Be safe.

You have to be kidding me. I work in food and beverage! Is this guy a celebrity or something? His 'Be Safe' is obviously a Joe Dobbieism.

From: Peas
To: Joe Dobbie

I don’t want to interview you. Are you a celebrity or something?

From: Joe Dobbie
To: Peas

Forgive me but, if for no other reason than I gave my word that I would endeavor to avoid talking to anybody from publications etc, I cannot talk to you at the moment.

Be safe

To: Joe Dobbie

So what happened then? (Ignoring all cries of 'no comment')

From: Joe Dobbie

I am not sure either. I think my e-mail might be famous.

Be safe

(OK. ‘Be safe’ is getting tired.)

PS: If you know these people, or are these people, terribly sorry. But this entertained me for quite the most part of the afternoon yesterday.

PPS: I can't get enough. I went ice skating again yesterday with The Ant and Third Roommate. Hilarious.


Daytripper said...

Sounds like the whole thing is an elaborate hoax to me.. the guy has obviously cottoned onto the current trend for blogging/website based books, and thinks he can pull off a Bruce Jones' Diary manouver with this stunt...

Peas on Toast said...

Agreed Daytripper. I'm still trying to figure out whether he is taking the piss or not. :)

Perhaps he'll be the next Chuck Norris.

guppa said...

ha ha ha - peas, i think the dude is a legend, either way- whether a fraud or not.... takes audacity to write an email like that- deserves a good shag.( and obviously needs one)

Peas on Toast said...

Yeah. Bless him for telling me to be safe four times. ;)

Jam said...

Romeo, Romeo oh wherefore art though Romeo!
E-mail signatures can be rather irritating.
So, did you fall again last night?

Peas on Toast said...

Shame, bless him for trying!
Jam I fell once again last night. But I'm pleased to report that I perfected my backwards Michelle Kwan manouevre. :)

Suavé said...

Sorry to stray a bit but when does that ice-skating promotion thingy finish at SC?
I was meant to go the ice-skating thing yesterday but due to unfortunate circumstances(read my latest post) I decided against it.

PS - I think that it's all just a ploy. But then again I've heard worse horror stories about guys trying to pick up chicks so to an extent it's believable.

Peas on Toast said...

Suavie - apparently it only ends mid-August. See you on the ice! ;)

Revolving Credit said...

I reaeeaallly hope that this guy was doped up when drafting this message.

If not, I think he should be commissioned to write a stalker training guide.

'Stalker for Dummies'
'Stalking in 21 days'
'How to boil a rabbit in 5 easy steps'

Nuff said.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I don't think he was doped. If you look at the verboseness of his emails to me, I can only guess he is for real. Pretty funny. :)

kyknoord said...

Maybe your fame is more widespread than you thought - hence the assumption that you wanted to interview him.

Peas on Toast said...

Kyknoord - ha ha! I find that hard to believe - because in the real world - that is, not the blog world, I'm a humble food and beverage journo.

"So Joe: what do you eat?"

Third World Ant said...

Jam - my conniving flatmate did not admit to TR and me that she's a total pro!

It took the two of us half an hour to convince ourselves to let go of the railing, while she whizzed past showing off her stints. I'll get her back though - golf course next weekend, Peas?

zuzula said...

that's a classic - I hadn't seen that! (note to self: do not date anybody called Joe...) BUT I have had this classic email from a lady desperately seeking a chap called Gavin from the BBC who she met at a hen weekend. And I've tracked him down... hold the front page :)

(IMHO he doesn't sound as gorgeous as she seems to remember him being but hey, love is blind, right?!)

third roommate said...

zu - the problem is this: what are the chances of someone being anything like you remember if you met them in the throes of a hen party given the average inebriation at a hen party. love at first sight with the help of beer goggles

peas - it's gonna be a full 18 holes. gird your loins baby!

zuzula said...

you're right, third roommate - but i've now heard from her too and I don't know who's in for a bigger shock when they meet again... she's certifiably crazy. I can't wait to find out what happens next!

third roommate said...

you should offer to go as a chaperone (armed with a camera of course). you could serialise the ensuing fun and games on your blog

Champagne Heathen said...

How exactly does one "gird their loins"?

Christopher said...

That's great stuff!

Peas on Toast said...

Hi chaps!

Excuse me, I'm still digesting my seared salmon and wine-filled corporate lunch...
Zu - well done for tracking him down mate! I see Third Roommate has tracked you down too. :) hehehehe

Ant - gird my loins. Or was it 3RM who said that? Look I may be able to skate backwards and such, but I'm not going to sell ymself short on the golfcourse: I suck. I know this because I've never played golf before. And for good reason I declare!

Chris - did you get the email delivered to your inbox too? One of you Brits had to have met this guy before surely? (Or is it a case of "No I don't know John." :)

zuzula said...

heh -i'll be there, even if I have to hide in the bushes with a long lens!

third roommate said...

champ - i think its an individual choice but in peas' case it'w probably involve a quiet moment with the bushwacker.

peas - fairs fair. we can't only do stuff that you're good at. we need opportunity to laugh at you too (outside of your drunken antics)

Peas on Toast said...

Z - can just picture it! Hilarious!

3RM - Dude golf is soooo boring, yawn, I'm falling asleep just writing this, yawn...zzzzzz.

Champagne Heathen said...

Third Roomate - for a moment there I thought your explanation meant Peas would be "putting from the rough" [as in actual golf-course rough with a sand-wedge or whatever the club is].

But now I realise you mean she will just be "playing around on the practice green"!

third roommate said...

champ - the idea would be to get her onto the course proper but as you can see above, she'll just bitch and moan til she gets out of it. the moral of the story is that if its not something peas' likes doing it can't possibly be fun

Champagne Heathen said...

Explain her to her that she'll be able to "wack bushes" with the "head of a wood" in order for the 'hole' to be filled....although granted, with a ball.

There are even many ballwashes around on the course for cleanliness & good fun.

That's all the metaphors I could come up with on a hangover. And hey, golf beats hiking!

Peas on Toast said...

I love how you okes talk like I'm not in the room - hello! I'm here!

Yes I will bitch and moan during the whole golf experience. Because. It's bori....zzzzz.

Revolving Credit said...

Maybe if you got a golf-cart mounting a mobile kareoke system she would be a lot more interested.

Bit like Julie Andrews in the Sounds of Music - terrorising golfers.

beside which, Peas, you get to wear wacky clothing and get to grips with dimpled balls...LOL

kyknoord said...

On the off chance anyone wants to know the actual requirements for loin girdage - to "gird" means to put a belt around (something). In the case of loins, I'm guessing it refers a chastity belt, which may not really be the best accessory for the weekend.

Revolving Credit said...

Sounds like it could also be a jock-strap or g-string

Antoine said...

Gird ones loins: Apart from the obvious "foody" who will think about spicing loin chops, it is derived from the ancient times (before I was born - Just) when gladiators had a good old fashioned shindig in the staduim. Originally fighting nekked, they found that unsporting people (The French)used the dangly bits as a bullseye. (ballseye?).

Ergo some bright spark (The South African) decided to use a loin cloth with a bone box to prevent his gonads from taing residence next to his left ear.

It caught on, and prior to going into battle the Walla's would "gird their loins"

Today, the loin cloth no longer exists, but woman have developed the "full panty" which has the same effect on the Guys nads.

And therein ends the lesson

The Tart said...

The "be safe" is killing me. It he hoping for "dooce-like" fame without the Dooce part. Crazy.

Great post!

The Tart
; )

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks for the gird lesson Antoine. :)

Kyk - I don't need a chasity belt. My baggage is a chastity belt enough for me. :(

The Tart - thank you me dear! :)

Anonymous said...

God this guy's got a fan club! You can even get "I love Joe Dobbie" tshirts on ebay now... it won't be long before he's taking over from Jerry Springer and Ken Livingstone.