Thursday, July 20, 2006

toasty

The digs got together last night for some wine and some Eminem. That is me and Third World Ant. And Third Roommate.
For some reason, TR and I couldn't find a lighter with which to ignite our cigarettes.
Hence the conversation:

TR: See that's the bitch with suddenly getting a maid - there's no random shit lying all over the place anymore.
Peas: You sure you don't have a lighter?
TR: No.
Peas: OK please won't you fetch the toaster.
TR: You fetch the toaster. Christ, I'm starting to feel like a stranger in my own house.
Peas: This isn't your house.
TR: Well, is it not my house? Really?
Peas: No. Mia casa e NO tua casa china, now please fetch me the toaster so we can smoke.
TR: Well since it's YOUR toaster, you bloody well fetch it.
Peas: No.
TR: Fine. We'll just sit here then.
Peas: Fine. I don't need a cigarette anyway.
TR: Neither do I.
Peas: Good. Cos I'm not fetching the toaster.
TR: Excellent. I can sit here all night.
Peas: Hmmm. Despite the quality of company in my immediate sight, I'm perfectly comfortable. And it feels great not to smoke. Great.
TR: WILL YOU PLEASE, PLEASE! Fetch it!
Peas: You fetch it for crying in a bucket!
TR: Fuck you.
Peas: Fuck you and fuck the toaster.

Sipping on our wine and sulking into our glasses, The Ant arrived home and was informed, before she sit down, to please kindly fetch us the bloody toaster from the kitchen, so we could plug it into the wall next to the couch and light our cigarettes on the armrest. Just like what cultured, refined people do.

Even in first year varsity I'd make the short, yet mindless trip to the kitchen to light my cigarette on the toaster mantle because we'd run out of lighters.

Now we sit fighting about who will fetch the damn thing, because we're too lazy to walk there ourselves. Perhaps because we've had a long day at the office. Or perhaps, more likely, I believe, it's because I'm single and I have no one to fight with anymore. And he hasn't seen his girlfriend since the weekend so also feels like an argument.

Well we don't really eat toast in our household, so I suppose it's useful for something.

67 comments:

kyknoord said...

One of you should give up, just for the argument value alone.

Daytripper said...

And giving up smoking of course has never crossed your collective minds?

Peas on Toast said...

Kyknoord - that means that one of us would win. And neither is going to accept coming in second at this point. :)

Daytripper - well I've certainly done that and got the Quitters t-shirt a hundred times. TR, I'm not so certain. ;)

i_am_not_who_i_am said...

tis a pity that the "nicotene filled bastards" can control an intelligent persons mind to this extent . . . !

fida . . .

third roommate said...

what her majesty fails to mention is that i arrived to find her sitting on the couch with an unlit cigarette and blunt next to her. fortunately macgyver carries matches which she then chain-smoked her way thru. hence the impasse

Peas on Toast said...

...Or that TR can piss me off to the point that I don't want to get the toaster myself!

Peas on Toast said...

TR - Why don't you tell them, King Of The World, about how YOU were chain smoking the entire evening? Right through Home & Away as well? Besides, who uses matches these days?

That key you asked for is getting further and further away. Best you start kissing my ass!

other-duke said...

i quite enjoy using the toaster for lighting smokes. at least you can't lose a toaster... and if you take it to a club it's unlikely someone is going to "mistakenly" slip it into their pocket after using it!!

How many lighters do you think you've had since you started smoking? i've had countless, that's why i've stopped using my zippo

Phil said...

Have you considered getting a gas hob to cook with? They also make an exceptional lighter when there is nothing else to be found and rubbing sticks together seems too much of an effort?

Peas on Toast said...

Shit other-duke, countless! I lose about three a week.

Jam said...

Lighters are like pens and socks. They just seem to go AWOL. Toasters are a fine alternative. Although - how close is the plug to the arm rest of the couch? Maybe you should invest in a flint. Then again, that might joins the socks, lighters and pens in that OTHER place.
Smoking is a meditative state. Why would you want to run around finding toasters to light cigs on? It would just interrupt the flow. ;-)

Peas on Toast said...

Ha ha Phil, we do have a gas oven! Cept like last night, we have nothing to light it with. ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - I'm with you. Why would we want to do that?

PS: I love you TR. I promise. ;)

Phil said...

Lighters? What are they.....if one of the little bastards lasts a week with me it becomes greatly revered....and is then lost within hours!

Phil said...

Err. I meant one of the type that has a built-in elecrical starter?

Never mind..............

Jam said...

PS like your new toys on your side bar

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Jam, I'm finally getting rid of Muriel my fabulous pink pig today. :( I think she's responsible for my fucked-up template.

Goodbye Muriel. :(

other-duke said...

Peas, thank goodness for your superb content, because the colours are.. umm... nausiating :)

third roommate said...

peas, i think now is the time to tell everyone the truth about my manhood...

p.s. i like you too :)

Peas on Toast said...

Other-duke - the pink is my trademark my dear. ;)

TR - You have the biggest knob in the whole world, you enviable man. Or so they say. :)

Revolving Credit said...

This whole Peas & 3RM tiff is so cute. R U sure you guys aren't a couple?

Maybe you should get 'HIS & HERS' toasters to avoid any confusion. Each can go fetch their own damn toaster.

If you're both going to chainsmoke though I can recommend a different approach. Box of matches and a candle. Use 1 match to light candle & let candle burn for the duration of your smokefest.

I do however think that this was just an excuse to has a good fight and if not for toasters you would find another reason.

You both seem to enjoy the fighting far too much to give it up that easily.

third roommate said...

and life returns to normal

Third World Ant said...

feeling a bit left out of it all! So let me use this opportunity to bitch about the both of you - damn smokers fogging up the (recently spotlessly clean) lounge!

Revolving, I thank the good Lord each day that they're not a couple, it would drive me friggin nuts. And then I'd never get a chance to watch anything other than Home & Away - another very big reason neither wanted to prise their asses off the couch to get the damn toaster.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - our own toasters, I like that idea. But as you say I think our laziness was a subliminal excuse to fight. :)

TR - As normal as can be anyway. :)

The Ant - C'mon you LOVE Home & Away, just admit it! ;)
And if we were a couple, you're right - he'd never leave, ever!

But we love having you around 3RM. As much shit as we give you, you can stay. x

Jam said...

Ah well, Muriel had a long and fulfilling life. She's off to make bacon.
Peas would not be Peas minus pink. It's that simple.

Peas on Toast said...

So long Muriel....:(

I cannot believe I'm getting bleak over a cyber pink pig. This is nuts! Do you think having a cyber buriel would be a little OTT?

Jam said...

Let's have a cyber burial. I will miss muriel too, she is so much part of the site.

Peas on Toast said...

Oh Muriel! I'm so sorry I turned off the machine!

Shit now I want her back!

I'm a mess.
I miss Muriel.

other-duke said...

i miss her too

how about a blog-obituary? it might help get you some closure

Revolving Credit said...

Ant - suppose, just suppose, you were to block channel 84, which you can do under the parental guidance settings, wouldn't that just stir things up nicely.
Someone may actually get off their ass and toast some nicotine.

New bitching about it site :"Cigarettes on Toast"

Peas on Toast said...

What a fantastic idea Other-Duke.

OK, impromptu:

For My Muriel.
May you rest in peace my little pink pig. I know how you loved eating cyber apples and rolling in cyber mud, while I sprayed you off with a cyber pump water bottle. I know I swore at you for fucking up my blog template, and I do apologise for that, since it obviously wasn't all your fault, as the template is still messy.

Your fat little face filled me with imense joy each morning as I logged on. And after Mason my real pet died, you were still there for me and would've been for another million years.

Go in peace piggy. And don't worry about the Bacon jokes. And fuck Domkop for calling you a cyber elephant. Can't he tell you are pure porcine?

I'll always remember you with fondest memories.
Always yours,
Peas.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Jam said...

Oh Muriel.
What are we to do without your ecstatic pink piggy twirliness?
We will miss your indelicate oinkiness.

Revolving Credit said...

..or "Peas on Toasters" - consumer rights protection blog

Peas on Toast said...

Rev have you ever considered a job in copywriting? There are plenty of agencies that need someone with the flair to come up with the wonderful jetsam of contextual words that bestows your imagination.

third roommate said...

rev - i was digging your style til now. don't put ideas into their heads cos after a bottle or two of cane bad decisions get made and the rest of us have to live with it.
peas - i assume you've either lost the parental codes for your decoder or have them somewhere safe to prevent such tomfoolery

Jam said...

Peas on ashy toast
(don't you ever find it icky putting bread in a toaster after you've lit a cigarette on it?)

Peas on Toast said...

3RM - best we hide the dsTV remote before Home & Away becomes just Away.

Jam - we never make toast. Or rarely, anyway. Either way the bread doesn't touch the mantle. :)

Revolving Credit said...

Please forgive the ignorance, but what exactly does copywriting entail - it sounds a bit like a transcription service??

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I was an in-house copywriter for a while, meaning I had to do stuff for one company. Not half as fun, or stressful I believe.

Advertsising agnecies is the way to go. Work for different clients, coming up with imaginative jingles, words to round up their corporate image, writing radio adverts, TV adverts, that sort of thing. Lots of creativity needed. Lots and lots and at high pressure.
Still, think it could be an avenue you might be good at.

Champagne Heathen said...

Ah yes, but then he would have a real job and so no longer have the time to put a twist to the day's babble. Conversations might actually remain calm, logical, and unsexed!

I'm going for "Pigs of Toast" after this post.

Revolving Credit said...

Sounds great - so like what do they do after lunch?

Peas on Toast said...

I like that Champs! - My Muriel on Toast. :)
Rev - usually hit the first bar they can find. Due to foreseen stress and/or the need for poetic license.

Champagne Heathen said...

Or call up their personal coke dealer (if stereotypes are anything to rely on)

Suavé said...

Yeah, I agree Peas. Rev's creativity and use of words is immaculate! Always refreshing. Just promise not to sell out fella and start coming up with corny-ass jingles for bad ad's like Pep Stores and Checkers and shit.

Jam said...

The stereotypes about advertising agencies exist because they are 90% true.

Peas on Toast said...

Chmaps and Jam - I'm so glad someone finally said it! I think I was the one copywriter I knew that didn't stick anything up their nose. So if you do decide to break into advertising Rev, try to keep your nose clean. ;)

Suave - I don't think Rev would need coke or anything else otherwise.
Tne guy who coined"You've Got an Uncle in the Furniture Business" sure didn't! :)
OK, bad example.

Revolving Credit said...

Well as a kid I use to stick crayons up my nose, does that count?
So does Slopywriting actually pay decent casholas? ...or are guys just coking-on-credit?

Jam said...

I once snorted tequila...
(naturally after drinking a couple of other tequilas)

Revolving Credit said...

When you're going to:
1. Snort the salt
2. Drink the tequila
3. Put the lemon in your eye

here's a word of advice from the sponsors - when you have the 2nd tequila, put the fucking lemon in the same eye else you're actually completely fucking blind for 10 min.
What can I say, apparently drinking tequila may make you stupid as well.

Suavé said...

Jam you snorted Tequila? WTF? That's insane, Like Steve-O when he snorted Wasabi. You must have been REALLLY wasted or you just plain crazy!

Champagne Heathen said...

Revolving, I didn't know you were sponsoring tequila now...

Jam said...

I was crazy and wasted. My sinuses have never forgiven me. I can't even remember if it gave me a better buzz or not.

Revolving Credit said...

Sponsoring tequila - OK new brand to be launched : Revolvo Cuervo
Gets you wasted, can be used to clean drains, as anti-freeze in your engine as as nail poolish remover.

Watch this space for all our new & hip Revolvo products.

Peas on Toast said...

So off I go to the lush, rolling hills of Roodepoort to get the story that I was bitching about not getting last week (with success! hooray!) and I come back to tequila shnarfing (I like it Jam - I've done that with vodka, with Ex S' influence), and Revolvo Cuervo.

Love it!

Jam said...

And here I was, thinking I was insane snorting tequila.
;-)

Shortypam said...

erm am i missing something here...you are peas hello? even bitchier than i am!!! how could they expect you to go get the toaster? royal bitches do not get anything!!! they should be running around all after you and getting you stuff even if it means they have to make you fire on their hands and knees... you are the queen bee!!! (sigh) good slaves are so hard to find!! hey where's muriel?

third roommate said...

shorty - she plays at being a bitch but she's as meek as a puppy once you've seen her in her uber sexy pyjamas

Revolving Credit said...

How about..

New from REVOLVO WEAR!
Check out our new REVLINGERIE
'Created by men for men to impress women for men to later remove with ease'

No more clasps - choose between our velcro and press-stud ranges.

Featuring the latest in ice-cap technology, fits any cup size and guarantees erect nipples all year round.

REV her with REVLINGERIE, she knows you aren't nimble enough take it off, so why pretend!

Revolving Credit said...

Umm..does that qualify as slopywriting???

Peas on Toast said...

Shorty - you're hired. It's your job now to make THird Roomate see the light: I'm the queen of my household - or co-queen with The Ant - and best he start to realise!

3RM - C'mon tell the others how sexy my nightwear is!

Rev - Mine's Revlingerie. Just ask 3RM. :)

Champagne Heathen said...

Maybe you could even create an opening package of these goods - a bottle of REVOLVO CUERVO with some REVLINGERIE, and just see how a litte bit of the former makes the latter come off with more ease than any press studs or velcro!

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - a collaborative package! Cleverly cross-merchandised for added impulse buy appeal! (This is the kind of thing I write about on a daily basis...)

You guys should work together. You'd make an empire!

third roommate said...

peas why don't you just post one of the sexy shots ant got of you last night wearing your la senza knockoffs

Revolving Credit said...

Dear Ms Peas

We are pleased as Peas to hear that you have choosen to use our product.
The REVOLVO 'Easy Escape' Underwear Range is one of my personal favourites and I trust that you will find it most accessible during those office teatime frolicks.

I am pleased to inform you that a complimentary bottle of REVOLVOMEISTER and a 4-pack of REV BULL will be delivered to you shortly as a sign of appreciation to one of our most loyal 'Revolutionaries'.

Kind revgards
Revolvo C Revolvo

Chief Revolutionary Officer
REVOLVO
'Join the Revolution'

Champagne Heathen said...

Rev, it seems you have silenced the crowd with that one! Well done.

As for Peas' suggestion on Empire building, I'll happily be your right-hand (wo)man. As long as you know what you're doing with that hand!

My next suggested collaborative package would be condoms and the sex book.

Revolving Credit said...

If feel a bit like Revolvo Branson.

New addition to the product range:
REVOLVO DILDO
'Revolvo, the brand you can thrust'

Nessers said...

Now being the holier than thou non smoker that I am I cannot understand you need to smoke at all BUT having a boyfriend who does gives me some insight as to you needing a lighter NOW(he gets ratty)! I do have an idea for you tho. Why not leave your maid a note telling her to put all little objects especially lighters that she finds lying around on the lounge table for you in a big bowl (you may need to buy one) that way you will know where to find one when you need to hehehe