Saturday, August 26, 2006

lovely alone

Last night I did something almost unheard of.

Yesterday afternoon, I was itching. It could’ve been the weather – being all rainy and stuff – but I was dying to get home. And be alone. All by myself. No answering of phonecalls, no making of phonecalls, just hanging with Peas.

I spent time alone, because I wanted to. Actually wanted to.

I figure, after two relationships, one distinguishably long one, one sort-of brief one - straight after another – the coming to grips with being totally alone and being happy otherwise forever, was so overwhelming, the thought made me want to curl up and die.
For six and a half years, I’d practically always had someone.

Since being single, I’ve gone through four stages of being alone. The first, not handling it, and arranging to go out with mates all the time; the second, realising I couldn’t go out every single night, so therefore phoning everyone every night. The third, being alone and not being comfortable in my own company, and now the fourth: itching for time alone, and absolutely enjoying it.

So I did the usual, but with glee. Had a long bath, listened to music, watched Desperate Housewives, made myself an Indian curry, even went through my itemised cellphone bill to check nobody had somehow got a-hold of my phone and rung Libya, and actually enjoyed it. Turned down a coffee get together in the afternoon, didn’t made or pick up any phonecalls.

OK, OK a teensy little lie: I picked up one call. But I’d never seen the number before, so curiosity got the better of my cat, so to speak.
It was Mandog Guy. But let’s change that name now, since, anything with ‘Mandog’ in it doesn’t sound too flattering.
He shall be called…Crisp White Shirt Guy.
Since he was wearing that last night, and he did look kinda good. He’s pretty funny, seriously creative and confident. Crisp White Shirt Guy and I have a date for Sunday, and we’re watching The Castle at his house. How great is that?

Anyway, anyway, back to being alone and loving it. Where was I again?

OK, alone time. Yes. I am settling in for what I think might be a docile weekend. Sure, I will probably hit a pub, or go boogie spontaneously, and oh yes, there’s my movie date on Sunday.
I love that Sunday is chilled, just watching a movie. Not so sure I remember how to do the whole dinner thing, and I’m scared that sort of pressure right now will send me running. So this is good. Yes. This is good. Although that said, I miss going to restaurants with just someone. The wine, the food, the bar rash, the everything-about–the-gentle-nuzzling-beneath-the-table, then when getting to know them better, the going-home-together-and-taking-off-of-clothes-in-a-frenzy scenario. Perhaps soon.

Crisp white shirts look great on men.

Still. OK. Still. I’ve finally learnt to deal with myself, and I don’t even need to buy a cat. This is terribly comforting in itself.

51 comments:

other-duke said...

I am so happy for you. being comfortable alone is a big step after having someone. all the best for the date, just be yourself.

[note to self: buy crisp white shirt]

Jam said...

Yay! Peas has another date...
Time alone is wonderful - no compromises!
I have two cats and two dogs though...sometimes that makes being "alone" quite hard since they all want my attention all the time.

Peas on Toast said...

I'm pretty proud of myself too, other-duke, thank you. :)

PS: You can never go wrong with a crisp white shirt...;)

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - I wish I'd figured out how nice it is to be alone looong time ago. Hey, if I had my own garden, I'd definitely have a dog. Dig dogs. ;)

J.M said...

Seal once sang about "the lonliness being the killer" ... and I guess some people are more alone, (that is whilst being alone) than others. Ok thats heavy. You sounding positive though S.P!!

Peas on Toast said...

JM - I hear you sunshine. There is nothing worse than feeling totally alone. But I guess you learn to deal with it. I heard something the other day that really stuck:

"There is no fate lonelier that being with someone who doesn't love you back. It's less lonely being alone."

It hit home, and it's helped me to realise that being alone ain't all bad. ;)

3rm said...

i'm confused. you were sitting around realising how much you enjoy your own company and then organised a date. am i the only one to whom that seems a contradiction?

Peas on Toast said...

3RM - Hold the phone bucko - HE asked me on a date. Before we run away with ourselves here. :)

But even if he hadn't, I really don't care, because I was planning to go on a date with Peas on Sunday anyway. You know, take her out to lunch and celebrate her new alone state of mind with her. Then perhaps get lucky with her later. ;)

Daytripper said...

Sorry Peas, buI must concur with 3rm here... WTF? Def a conradiction no matterwhat your intentiosn for Sunday were!
heheheh!

Peas on Toast said...

OK OK guys.
Would this work? My alone time was inconveniently interrupted by a phonecall that I shouldn't have taken, but did anyway, and after 10 minutes of chitter chatter, went back to being alone. Cool? ;)

Champagne Heathen said...

Just don't get like me and eventually enjoy your own alone company so much that everyone else can just bugger off most of the time.

Liked your quote about no fate lonelier that being with someone who doesn't love you back. I realised a similar thing recently, that sometimes you can feel loneliest when you are sitting with a huge group of people. Then I tell them to bugger off, and go back to chilling with myself.

3rm said...

i'm just saying, do you wanna be alone at the minute or not? but that's all i'm gonna say on the subject. given your recent track record its a smart move on crisp white shirt guys part since his chances of getting lucky must be hovering around the 100% mark...

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - Tis true. You're sitti with everyone, having a laugh, but feel lonely. I also get that Champers. I fear that I may just turn into someone that prefers being on my own. Worrying, but I sense it's happening already.

3RM- For God's sake dude, I spent a night alone last night. Cos I wanted to. This is big stuff for me. This doesn't mean I'm going to spend every single night for the rest of my life alone however, does it? Yes I'm loving my own space at the moment, but I think going to watch a movie with some guy on Sunday isn't exactly a crime. I need space from people in general, but it's not a uniform system.

Peas on Toast said...

PS: And as sexually charged as I am right now, he's not getting sex on Sunday.

JW said...

Today is exactly a week since I called it quits with my best friend and the only person i've really loved in the last five years. I've never really gotten over her since she moved to another city last year, so have on occasions hurt a few people that have tried to get close to me. For the past week, I closet myself in my room as soon as i get home, trying to get to grips with myself.

Even though we've been apart for a year already, I'm still going to miss how she is always so happy when i phone and estactic on the occasional visits.

I've started to get better as the days go by, though i've still had to remind myself to eat and sometimes breath. Forcing myself to accept social events despite just wanting to crawl into a deap black hole. Forcing myself to smile and put on a brave face.

Now if only i could get rid of this James Blunt song (goodbye my lover goodbye my friend) that keeps playing in my head. I think i can fool myself that everything is fine.

Revolving Credit said...

Caution: Don't get too caught up in the 'I want to spend time with Peas' thing.
Possible outcomes:
-Become a recluse
-Develope narcissistic tendancies

Big difference between being comfortable on your own vs wanting to spend time on your own.

Secondly, while I'm glad that you've managed to arrange a rendezvous with Crispy, I must yet again caution you: 1st date at his place as opposed to neutral ground..Hmm.
Remember how this turned out with Unshaven.

But, hey..yipee...you're happy with who you, got a date on Sunday and may get some action yet.
Party on Peas.

Anonymous said...

Joey Miller, prominent property tycoon and freelance author, died last week from complications of losing his soul mate. He was 29 years old. Soft-spoken and obsessive, Miller never looked the part of a hopeless romantic. But, in the final days of his life, he revealed an unknown side of his psyche. This hidden quasi-Jungian persona surfaced during the Agatha Christie-like pursuit of his long reputed soul mate, a woman whom he only spent a few precious days with. Sadly, the protracted search ended late Saturday night in complete and utter failure. Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous Miller secretly clung to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather, it’s a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan. Asked about the loss of his dear friend, Steeler, fellow freelance author, described Joey as a changed man in the last days of his life. "Things were clearer for him," Steeler noted. Ultimately Joey concluded that if we are to live life in harmony with the universe, we must all possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call "fatum", what we currently refer to as destiny.

Peas on Toast said...

JW - mate, this is horrible. And I'm sorry to hear this. It does feel like your heart has been ripped from your chest, I hear you. It DOES get better. And you do have to put on a brave face, accept social invitations, and hole yourself up when necessary. It takes time, but time is the enemy as well, mainly because it's so fudging long.
Just know it does get better. xx

Rev - I do fear for my reclusive state. But neverthless, you don't have to worry about me, I will rarely turn down and invitation to go and boogie my ass off, or spend time with friends for the most part.
Crispy - lol! Yeah, the mutual ground thing is always better, but hey, I guess I have someone to mooch around with on Sunday. ;)

Anon - Joey can't be dead...he emailed me just now. :)
That said, you philosopher, or are you Steeler? Joey being the lovely, upstanding man he is, I'm sure will survive all that is thrown his way...:)

3rm said...

r.i.p. joey miller

Anonymous said...

There is nothing wrong with spending some time alone - you won't shut yourself from the outside world entirely overtime. Impossible with your character Peas. And there is nothing wrong in answering your phone.

I am casually in a relationship with someone that I was seriously in a relationship with previously. And as much as I lie to myself that it's fine and I will move on when I am ready I know that I really love him. He hurt me badly and he doesn't deserve me. Have heard your quote before and it is so true - very sad being with someone that does not care about you the way you care about them...

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - I feel your pain doll face. He probably doesn't deserve you, no. And I'm telling you, it's better to be alone than with someone that doesn't love you. I've been there. And I can tell you that I'm happier not being around that anymore, because you can't help but feel inadequate. It's hard, but I say give this guy the boot my friend. x

JW said...

anon - I say, get out of it anon. I've managed to hurt most of the people i've had relationships with in the past year, because i've never loved them as i should. When things eventually break up, he'll probably be upset for a day, if that.

Somali said...

Hey Peas,

Alone time... what is that?

I haven’t had alone time in ages. My boyfriend wants to spend every second together at night (because we don’t see each other during the day) then there’s my work colleagues, my family, our two dogs and I have to make time for my friends.

Enjoy while you can!!

PS: Not that I don’t enjoy being involved or whishing my family away.

Enjoy Sunday... u deserve it!!

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Somali!

Let's see what happens, I mean we might not click, and if we don't, I'm cool with that as well. x

J.M said...

Im here is spirit Steeler, I enjoyed that posting ;) ... who's next?

Anonymous said...

if this is going to turn into one of those tear-jerking, all the single people in the world using the internet and eachother to get by kind of blogs i think we've lost our way. come on people, its friday! an entire weekend of frivolity and potential happiness lies ahead...

Peas on Toast said...

Lol!
Anon - where have you been my friend? I've been using the internet for this very purpose for two years now. :)

OK but for the sake of everyone else, IT'S FRIDAY! TGIF! ;)

JW said...

I hear you anon. That has always been my motto in life. 'get over it, move on'. I think i have lost my way this past week.

Though it has been good to let my emotions out a bit after my reclusive behaviour. Its high time i 'get over it, [and] move on'

3rm said...

hehe. gotcha. but yes, TGIF! moves tonight cowgirl?

JW said...

lol peas. Its always good to hear other peoples troubles when one has troubles themselves.

Peas on Toast said...

3RM - I don't have any set rigid plans tonight my dear - I could go there, or here or everywhere, but I haven't committed. Yay! Wanna do something cool? The Ant says she's game as well.

Champagne Heathen said...

You should check out Suave's suggestion for tonight. Look's like an excellent plan, some Roka/ old Color Bar action.

Peas on Toast said...

Champs I saw that, sounds good actually. 3RM you keen?

Anonymous said...

Here's scenario B for you Joey, see how you feel about this one. Now I don't know if you've noticed this or not, but I think I'm starting to get under Peas' skin as well, OK? It all started with the whole "fuck her, get over her", or the gangster pool party thing, whatever, she can play it down all she wants but she's upset. And now I've got some random Anon calling me fucking Fruit-Pie the fucking magician! Tellin' me that I can't fucking call my main man JM, who fucking sent me out on this fucking blog? And what about the Shorty? She's fucking scat all over, they fucking disappear and talk! And you haven't noticed this either but when she's not fucking at me or you're fucking doing whatever, I've got fucking Steeler in the mirror with his shit too. It's fucking coming at me from here, I don't know where it is! It might be coming this way, it might be coming that way, but the fucking shit's coming and I'm not gonna be late for the fucking dance man, I'm not gonna be fucking late for the dance on this one.

Peas on Toast said...

OK Anon you really have to calm down.

Champagne Heathen said...

I am completely lost on this recent "anon" phenomenon. Is there some story behind it or are people just being useless fools leaving random comments on here in an attempt to irritate you?

(Please explain in slow simple terms. Hangover has yet to abate.)

Sunchaser said...

Anon needs a new adjective...

Nessers said...

I love time alone and being a single mom with 2 kids I don't get enough of it. It's good that you have learned to love being alone just remember it does not make you lonely but clever as it gives yo utime to chill and recharge for the next hectic phase

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - that's exactly it:
"Is there some story behind it or are people just being useless fools leaving random comments on here in an attempt to irritate you?"

I don't get it either.

Sunchaser - ...like fudging? ;)

J.M said...

Anon - I can help you, mail me when the fury dies.

Peas - Loving ur work!!

Revolving Credit said...

J.M. question: How closley are you linked to this phe-anon-menon.

These peeps all appear to have arrived about the same time as you started blogging and are having direct conversations with you via this blog.

So like 'what up with that shit'?

J.M said...

Rev - I have a fan base, shoot me. Could all the anon's please piss off or atleast state who you are. One of you is smoking some good sh*t!!

woof woof!

C said...

Okay, happy for alone time...but best you don't go getting the big fat LC or just start hanging around with your new boyfriend!!! That said dudelette, enjoy bonniedoon, I think you may have met a match!

Peas on Toast said...

C - wahahaha! Did you just say I have a new boyfriend?? That's crazy talk Poen. :)
Great - can you see it - me and Crispy White talking Bonnie Doone all weekend. Perhaps I should introduce him to the Essex accent...or wait, no that would probably freak him out.

Losers Complex: babe, who am I going to sing karaoke with at the Fudging Colon on Saturday?? Oh well, there's always next week I guess ;)

C said...

Aah, bless your picolo cottone pantalone, well I managed to rough the colon without you about a week ago..smash enough john deere in your face and anything is possible!

In regards to X and Ibeefa, maybe test the waters first...hee hee hee!

Crusoe said...

Hey Peas. I'm joining in late here, but most people get confused between being alone and being lonely. One is a physical state and one is a mental state, and they have little to do with each other.

The fact that you did your list of friends the other days means that as long you have them, you won't be lonely, even if you are sitting at home by yourself.

And, going on a date on Sunday is only a contradiction if you are going because you feel lonely. However, if you are going because the crisp white shirt got you all heated, then you're cool! :)

Peas on Toast said...

C - Smashing John Deeres in my face and talking about X in Ibeefa - this Crispy Shirt guy is one lucky bastard! ;)

Crusoe - you've got it sunny, I'm not going because I feel lonely - for me that is the whole point. I'm going because, he's kinda sorta cute sorta. I figured I don't need anybody anymore, and I am not lonely either. So it's cool right? ;)

Anonymous said...

Have a gd time Sunday Peas
Quesions to ask:
1. Do you wear selftan? (Selftan wearing boys r insecure about something)
2. Did you go to Rhodes? (Usually dogs)
3. How did your last relationship end? (Always good to know)
Otherwise, have fun whatever happens, he is a new person with new and interesting stories who has crossed paths with u:)

Peas on Toast said...

Anon -
1) When I need to get into a cozzy, yes.
2) No.
3) He bailed.

Thanks, and have a good weekend too.

Anonymous said...

Hehe, the questions are for the white shirt guy...not u;) should have been more clear - it's a Friday.

Have a gd 1.

Vincent Maher said...

Peas, anon needs a whooping re
2. Did you go to Rhodes? (Usually dogs)

I understand that dog could mean personality as well as looks but I don;t see why Rhodes should be singled out here....