Wednesday, August 30, 2006

skew posters and anger

Yesterday I was fed-up with the world at large. Angry, ridiculously pissed off and so extremely disappointed with the human species at that present moment, I almost blew a gasket and left the office for no apparent reason at all.

Jack Rock told us yesterday that he’d been smashed in the face with a hockey ball over the weekend. That is not cool, following concussion. But I was also been hit by something. Resembling a 40-tonne bus, but since I was hit by it, one cannot be sure the precise ergonomics of said bus. The bus, in passing, left me on the road to die a slow and painful death, and had an insignia resounding as "PEAS.IS.SUCH.A.LOSER."

I reckon the bus left the Peas Is A World-Class Loser station at roughly 12:09pm, to stop at I’m So Sick Of Feeling Fucked Up at precisely 1:03pm, to stop at When The Fuck Will Life Be Cool Again terminal at 1:05pm, halting briefly at Royally Hacked Off With Earth at 1:08pm, and, upon hitting me in the chest, left me with a "Monday Blues" sign yesterday.

Luckily, today, I am stable enough to dodge the bus with ‘Peas, Life Isn’t Going To Get Better’ which, on impact, would kill me dead and proper.

Amidst angst about the world, a pressing matter involving skew posters in our flat prevails.
We think Pretty our maid has been smoking Sweet Mary Jane on the job. Our Sweet Mary, that is.

Pretty had cleaned the place yesterday, and while C, Third Roommate, The Ant and I shared a pizza and ate ourselves retarded last night, the first thing out of sorts we noticed was that the giant Marilyn Monroe poster hanging in the hallway was plastered, very not-straight to the wall in the corner of the room.

Marilyn falls off the wall almost seismically, all 6 feet of her, all the time. The Ant bought prestik and asked her to please hang the flagging posters dotted around our crib, up properly with it.

Every poster she hung was hilariously hanging no straighter than at a 30 degree angle. And not especially positioned in a middle spot on the wall (where it had been before), but rather jammed into the corner off-centre. It’s too funny. You have to cock your head to the side to look at it. We figured either the lady has a frightening lack of spatial semblance, or more probably, judging by the half-horizontal way they’d been presticked, she was taking the piss. She has to be taking the piss: the things are so squonk, it can only be deliberate.

We sometimes leave stray doobies around the apartment, and we have a bankie stashed somewhere. I know if I were her, I’d smoke them. Maybe it’s just Windowlene fumes. It would definitely make scrubbing the toilet less-menial. And changing the toilet roll would give me a good giggle. Not to mention cleaning the stove. Pretty probably has a right frigging gas, toking it up, or getting high on Mr Muscle, and cleaning our place until it sparkles. I’d love to see this, I mean fuck, if she enjoys it, by all means. But next time we’ll hang the posters.

PS: Although, that said, we haven’t necessarily moved the posters and repositioned them upright. Nobody else has posters stuck to the wall so blatantly squiff like that. We call it…charm.

PPS: I don’t have Monday Blues anymore.

30 comments:

kyknoord said...

Well I should bloody well hope not. It's Tuesday, dammit! Tuesday blues, on the other hand...

other-duke said...

how completely un-zen. it does follow the domestic condition of leaving things blatantly out-of-place so the you know she did something. they learn that in first year, Possesion Misplacement 101A.

In my line of work i place covert cameras and these days you get some really small ones and one's that look like an alarm passive. if you have ADSL, you can watch her antics from your desk. It's quite impressive.

Check this out

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - Tuesday blues must just be completely depressing. You have no reason for Tuesday Blues...

O-D - The Ant and I thought about that. It would give us hours of entertainment watching her [quite literally] fly around the apartment, giggling and placing posters all squiff-like...it would be a hoot! :)

Steeler said...

Word.

Daytripper said...

Tips on avoiding that bus: Change routes Peas. Decide that you are nolonger interested in that bus and stand somewhere else. No I am not being obtuse or simplistic. Reach down inside and make your decision. Do you want to be this way indefinitely? No? Then order a different bus, find a different route. If that means modifying some of your behaviour, do it. All you can lose are some friends and some memories, all you stand to gain is the freedom and happiness you crave. Change bus route.

Jam said...

The posters are up. If it was up to you guys, they would still be flagging. Marilyn would be staring at the ceiling permanently.
I relate to the I'm So Sick Of Feeling Fucked Up one...but I know that it's just time. Some days though I just want to snap my fingers and make it all better.
Now where's that dooby?

Peas on Toast said...

Wise words indeed Daytripper, and so true. The reason I'm feeling better today is because I realised that I had to change my route as well. (I'm being cryptic, but my route is made up of little things that bother me at present.)

And at present, I'm happier today because I have hauled out my mapbook, so to speak, and am navigating another path.
I'm thinking I may even take the train. ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - *passing you some cyber doobie* :)

You know when you're just sick and tired of feeling sick and tired? Ad sick of lugging around baggage with you everywhere? Yip.

Wanna take the train with me?

Jam said...

*takes a long drag*

The train looks good. It may be faster than the bus and I think the view may be better. Lets travel light.

Ramone Allones said...

mmmmm.... Bollinger

Good times coming your way!

Peas on Toast said...

Fantastic Jam. We'll leave our baggage on the platform for someone else that wants it (highly doubtful, but there's always a small minority that wants free stuff regardless).

Peas on Toast said...

Ramone - Very excited! I'm taking the train there dollface!

Third World Ant said...

"We call it…charm."

I call it... sheer laziness! I'm sure not gonna straighten that poster, that would entail... getting off the couch. Are you?

Let's wait till next Monday to see watch she does - I propose we pull every poster off the wall for a real giggle. (we can even leave a joint near each one for easy access!)

Peas on Toast said...

Ant baby, what came first the chicken or the egg? We can play rock/paper/scissors to see who puts the posters right!

But I like your idea about leaving a joint next to the posters. Perhaps next time she'll hang Marilyn upside down. What a hoot. :)

J.M said...

Hi all, sorry sweet peas I have been very quiet of late. Can we rekindle the fire?

Daedalus said...

GeparsteErtjiesOpRoosterBrood

Does your train of thought have a caboose?

other-duke

I am in the process of setting up my webcam – will be sure to check my made’s antics every Wednesday hahaha… Do not live to geek, geek to live.

Peas on Toast said...

JM - Anytime dollface. :)

Daedalus - GeparsteErtjiesOpRoosterBrood! Love it! PetitsPoisAuPainGrille. Hilarious! You will probably find your maid listens to your Mozart collection. :)

Daedalus said...

Ertjie-Put

Well, I can tell you this much… she did not figure out the surround sound home entertainment theater yet. Every Wednesday I find myself turning the TV back to M-Net from SABC 2 and readjusting the LG Stereo sound down so that the TV goes via surround sound again. It is like a little ritual on Wednesdays… reset sound, move ornaments back to original place on wall unit, turn toilet paper back to original from-top position, place kettle back in face front position, straighten the lounge rug and search for the new GPS-coordinates of the remotes. Hahahah…

Peas on Toast said...

Ha ha, sounds like us. Search for my soap, rehang the pictures, move the lounge furniture back to the original place. Bless! ;)

Ertjie x

Daedalus said...

Once I have a stable web-cast up and running… I will give some selected people access to the beta-version of the D-Lounge-Cam. It will be kinda like mini-BigBrother of sorts Hehe… Will set up a schedule of sorts. Haha … erm…
Wednesday = Maid Antics
Saturday Night = Dronk People @ kitchen nook
Every other day = no schedule at this point. haha…

- Geek to live!

Peas on Toast said...

Daedalus, we want one! We want one!
We reckon we could put Big Brother to shame, just having a camera focused on the the lounge alone.

But I'd have no idea how to set it up, and on second thougths, I don't really want to run around on the Internet in my doondies. As tempting as it is.

butter said...

Moving away from webcams....I have a theory on car colours and personalities...what does everyone else have, and what does it tell them about their personality?

Champagne Heathen said...

I think I am terrified of a webcam idea in my flat. I would finally figure out if my flatmate & her boyf's jokes about using their 'alone' time there to have sex on the kitchen counter was true.
And they'd finally be able find out if my silence on my sex life meant celibacy, or not telling them my exploits of the kitchen counter!

Good luck with the loser complex. Hope it's gone, and if not, yes, do a bit of mapping, or make sure your train goes through a 1st-world airport on high security alert - no (hand)lugagge allowed!

Peas on Toast said...

Butter - That's a tough one. Because all my cars have been white. But if I had my way, they'd be red or black.

Champs - tooshay. The Ant, would there be any nasty surprises involving the Gilb's weekends from The Poenda?

Revolving Credit said...

Its good to see I'm in the company of so many voyeurs.
Umm...www.spyonyourmaid.ru
or in Peas' case
www.thedayprettyfoundthebushwhacker.org

About the posters, I have a similar problem. You know the maid has been there when the mats are straight and all the paintings are skew.
What you should do is hang them up-side-down or back-to-front and see what her reaction is?

Peas on Toast said...

Lol! Ah Rev you beauty!

Poor lady would have such a mindfuck, walking in and seeing the backside of posters throughout the house. Hilarious. I'd take the day off work just to see the reaction...

Daedalus said...

Revolving Credit

I will definitely do that on the first day my spy cam is up and running Bwhahaha!

Revolving Credit said...

Daedalus

Duidelik!

jimmmer said...

Why do we not get some pics of said skew posters?

Peas on Toast said...

Jimmmer - we thought about it, but I'd gone and left my camera at the office.
Bugger.