Friday, September 29, 2006

food is sex and sex is food

So, according to stagnated gender-related research over wine and shit, it was found that most women eat when they’re grief-stricken, depressed, sad or angry.
When I’m any of those things I simply stop eating.

Open the fridge, look at the cheese for about five minutes, maybe pick up a piece of leftover chicken, put it back, then close the fridge. This ritual takes place almost obsessive compulsively, when I’m at home alone feeling desperately sorry for myself.
You can’t make me eat when I’m down.
Force feed me with a tube already.

Until last month Tuesday, I involuntarily could not finish a meal. I really fucking wanted to, but settled instead on a most flaccidly unsavoury diet consistent of cigarettes, coffee and biltong.

Maybe, sometimes, for fear of contracting scurvy - hey hot stuff- the odd orange.

I figured protein was the most important in maintaining my guns and such, so over the last four months have been gnawing attractively on biltong snapsticks of bulk-sized proportions. But that's about it.

Then something strange happened.
I, like, got happy.

I just sort of slid into a bubble of my own self-absorbed content, fobbing off any post break-up images I was so sick of remembering and analysing.
I sort of just let go.

But that’s not the only thing that's let go.
Now that I am officially happy and sane, I have started smashing my face again, and am afraid I’m going to look like the Michelin Man if I carry on this way.
Fat and happy isn’t gonna get me laid.

Let’s take an itinerary of what has been consumed over the last three days:
2 x tubs of Gino Ginelli Choc Nut Italiano. Straight out the tub. For dinner.
3 x packets of biltong snapsticks. For breakfast.
1 x Caesar salad
4 x Woolies sandwiches
1 x box Hazel Nutties
1 x Westcliff breakfast (eggs, salmon, mushroom conglomerate)
An apple
1 x fruit salad

Right. What am I compensating for, one wonders?
Happiness? No, got that.
Starvation? No, not emaciated.
Carbo-loading for theRace of Hell? Um, no.


Best I stop stuffing my face if I plan to get any.


Revolving Credit said...

In light of the fact that this was consumed over 3 days, it may not have been a great health booster but I don't think is excessive for a 72 hour period.

Plus it helps you carbo load for marathon sex (fingers crossed for you and your 'boyfriend')

zuzula said...

Only once have I been so sad that i couldn't eat. I lost so much weight, and everybody kept telling me how great I looked... but i felt like shit. Food is good!

Cookie Monster said...

Hey there Peas... long time no stopping by... I think that your body is telling you that you are soon to have a marathon sex session and its gearing up for the event... good luck!

Apfelshtroodil said...

I don't mean to alarm you? but this is exactly what Alien ate to prepare for the final showdown with Sigourney Weaver. It's not good for the skin

Koekie said...

Peas, I hear you - I luff food, but also can't eat when I'm down, sad, angry, emotional.

It's actually quite a good indicator - if I'm not eating, then you KNOW that something is very, very wrong.

Happy munching!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - At this point my friend it looks like I'm about to embark on marathon sex with myself.

Zu - I hear you. Food is great, definitely, but best I stop smashing it in my face if I plan to get any loving this century!

Cookie - Hey you! See above. I'm a sex-starved smasher...:(

Apfel - I'm about to spawn an alien. Starnger things have happened I guess. ;)

Koekie - I guess everything must be right then...sort of? ;)

Carlz said...

you got to keep your stomach lined what with all the drinking u get up to!! I find that enough motivation to keep nourished no matter how I'm feeling!

Peas on Toast said...

That's true Carlz. But two litres of ice cream?

Perhaps I should exchange this with mashed potato. :)

Champagne Heathen said...

Yo Michelin Man! I eat to stay awake throughout a night of work. Never has half of a Quik Shop been devoured so fast as when I am trying to be intellectual at 2.37am. Or I eat when there is food in my vicinity. This is not as regular as non-slacker bachelorette's might think.

Yes, just work it off through sexercise..."Excuse me, I was wondering if you could help me tone up & lose some weight"...not the best pick up line in the world, but it would probably still work.

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - lol. I'm pretty certain "nice shoes wanna fuck" may be more useful! ;)

Best I up my 94.7 training anyway, eh?

Kevin Cadman said...

Miss Peas...

Good morning dear. I trust you are well on this most splendid Friday morning?

Heh, although I'm male, I don't really eat when I'm pissed off and/or upset either. I've never understood the concept of 'comfort food'.

Which is a good thing, because the Carla saga has finally been concluded. It's over and I'm not all that upset about it... her loss hey!

Anyway, keep well

other-duke said...

choc nut italiano. that was your first mistake. chocolate milano, now we're talking.

sex is still the best full body work out. don't let those yoga-gym-pilates-cycling-running-marathon people tell you otherwise

Peas on Toast said...

Kev - I must do some catch up reading on your blog. I'm glad to hear you're not that upset, DEFINITELY her loss.

Try this Kev: after my break-up I went through an inane stage of complete self-love. I thought and convinced myself I was the shit, was fabulous and the oke was retarded for not loving me. It lasted a couple of weeks. It felt gooood.
So tell yorself everyday you're amazing, incredible, etc, you'll be surprised how it starts to sink in after a while!

Good luck my honey.

O-D: Choc nut Milano eh? Guess what I'm getting for lunch today.
Shit, shit shit! :)

Kate said...

While the amount of food consumed does NOT leave me gasping in disbelief, I still feel it necessary to remind you: Fat and happy is a much more attractive look than skinny and miserable! Not that its gonna come to that!

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Kate. Now that I am aware of it, hopefully all this excessive bingeing will cease! :)