Thursday, September 28, 2006

south hills

Yesterday I had the oh-so-surprisingly unenviable task of having to drive through an area called South Hills. I didn’t actually have to drive through it, but for the sake of some rah rah exploration, I did. On the way to another destination of excessive pomposity.

Cruising the streets of this such South Hills neighbourhood, I was completely mindfucked and, thus so, reduced to giggles often evidenced when I am in the company of C, my prime giggle mate.

I didn’t need a glass of vino capino either.

South Hills, despite the rolling depiction of its name, is not, in fact, hilly. The illusory hills are a marketing ploy so cunning; I’m disappointed I didn’t think of it myself.

It’s deceptively flat, barring the giant Pick ‘n Pay Hyper plonked all but in these people’s back gardens and a mine dump perched dolefully on the horizon. The houses are little council cubes, complete with wrought-iron porch and cars on bricks in the driveways. A few stray dogs, people with faces filled with angst and sobering masks of blankness.

It’s like I stepped into the set of Little House on the Prairie, except not.

The streets all have names belonging to Free State towns (Bloemhof Avenue, Viljoenskroon Street, Orkney Lane, ad Vrystaat infinitum).

But what blew me away was the Pick ‘n Pay Hyper, in all its aluminium eyesore airport building-looking splendour, submerged like a giant carbuncle in the centre of this simple, yet fairly tranquil (less the howling canines) suburb. I’ll bet the residents of 14 Harrismith Street just love that they can walk out into their back gardens, scratch their balls, sip on their mampoer and exclaim, “By God, Elsabe, the Pick ‘n Pay looks gorgeous today.”

Somewhat breathtaking. After doing several drivebys past the houses of Zastron Street, I came to the dubious conclusion that the residents of this street don’t really notice it anymore. Like those who live on the airport – Jet Park – I’m thinking they don’t hear the planes barely scraping the aerials on their roofs.
It’s just another day in Jet Park, another day in South Hills. The suburb obliterated by a giant supermarket, not unlike a meteor thrust from space in the form of a large grocery outlet.

I just want to know what this place looks like at night. You know, fluorescent lights shedding gamma rays over the ‘Hyper’ sign in a luminosity that’s quite blinding. Perhaps they sit outside and watch it while they braai.

Giving directions to mates must always be a riot:
“No, Japie, bladdy hell. Left into Harrismith, first right into Parys…yes there by the Hyper…no in front of the Hyper…but to the left of the sign…like opposite the Y in Hyper…No, the Van Baksteen’s live opposite the R…we there by the Y. Don’t forget to bring your monkey wrench, I need to drop the suspension on my car…”

Do you think Pick ‘n Pay just decided to somma build it? Made an announcement: Folks, this is the best day of your lives. All you have to do is open your front door, and voila! You’ll find yourself in frozens, or bakery, depending on which side your house faces. Convenience, chaps, think of the convenience.

Well that was entertaining.

68 comments:

joe said...

Is it just me or have you, in your second-post-of-the-day turned geek? In awe of an engineering feat that makes the Chinese minions look like lego-builders?

You might be my soulmate! ;-)

Up the Hyper!!!

Revolving Credit said...

Sounds a bit like 'South Park' except here Gatman would be asking : 'Who killed Kosie?'

JD said...

Dont mock Harrismith street, C and I used to live there!!!

Koekie said...

This monstrosity is in Joburg, you say? Must be on the wrong side of the railway tracks, dahling...

Pete said...

Hmm, Peas, is it just me, or did someone take the jam out of your donut?

Jam said...

Er?
Considering the property prices, these houses would probably now be considered "starter" homes. I wonder if the houses or the Pick n' Pay were there first?

Jam said...

Pete
Please be wary of the context in which you use Jam...

Pete said...

Didn't mean to take your name in vain:)

Peas on Toast said...

Joe - yip, as I had breakfast at the Westcliff this morning. Sigh. What a drag. :)

Rev - It's Southpark South Africanised, I tell you.

JD - Not in South Hills you didn't! :)

Koekie - it's another world, and worth thr trip just to see the Hyper in people's back gardens! ;)

Pete - huh?

Jam - I reckon the houses were there long before the Hyper. I'm thinking 1950ss-tyle council cubes during Apartheid days...

Champagne Heathen said...

But where on earth is South Hills? And what godforsaken reason made you end up there?

Jam said...

So one wonders why they didn't argue against such a monolith then...

Champagne Heathen said...

They probably did but like the Gautrain into my suburb they were not heard or respected.

*CHOP*. There goes another tree...

other-duke said...

personally i prefer watching the sun set over the ocean when i braai :)

Jam said...

*CHOP*
*CHAINSAW WHINE*
No, they probably couldn't hear people complaining over all that noise.

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - I was on my way to do a story in a nearby area and found it through a spot of getting lost.
You know, there by Crown Mines, there by in the South. Carry on going and swing a right. ;)

Jam - I'm telling you, it adds significance to this neighbourhood! :)

Jam and Champers - The fact they are cutting down the jakarandas in Rosebank for this fucking train really gets my goat going.

O-D - you, me and most people my friend. ;)

Anonymous said...

And so, all good things finally come to an end...

Criticism is a natural by-product of going public - I'm not taking the easy way out by simply descending into vituperative rhetoric but in short, your anecdotal posts have become B.O.R.I.N.G.

They used to be sophisticated and witty; now they appear to be written by an anonymous, bleary-eyed student. A hellish descent so my daily devotion must go elsewhere and poof! there goes your bookmark.

Read some Dooce [www.dooce.com] if you want an example of how to remain vibrant. Thanks for the early stuff.

Randall Delinear

Champagne Heathen said...

People amaze me. And their ability to lack compassion, class and decent manners.

That because you, Peas, are a self-assured open person who writes publicly they get the mistaken impression they can insult you and rudely criticise you. Perhaps your talent does naturally lead others to bring along their vices of judgement and high horses.

Randall, there are decent ways to offer constructive criticism where the person is not left feeling like they've had a swift kick to the knee. And then there just below-the-belt ways. Yours definitely didn't feature in the former way.

Jam said...

Agreed. Why couldn't you just stop reading?

Koekie said...

I've gotta argue with Randall...

“...No, Japie, bladdy hell. Left into Harrismith, first right into Parys…yes there by the Hyper...no in front of the Hyper...but to the left of the sign…like opposite the Y in Hyper..."

You can't buy that quality entertainment at a Pep store (or even a Hyper for that matter)

Peas on Toast said...

Randall - cool. whatever.

Champers and Jam - thanks guys. :)

Peas on Toast said...

Koekie - thatnks dollface. Glad I'm not like the Pep. :)

Revolving Credit said...

OD - If you're going to braai, get hold of Peas or Champs. They've got some freshly cut braai wood going.

Randall - No one forced you to be here. Strange how you don't partake in the dialogue and thereby influence its course.
No, not you, you're rather just sit on th sidelines and now that it does quite render what you crave or because you're hormonal or depressed, you decide to bite the hand that has fed you so so long.

Well, good riddance you ungrateful sod.
And please don't sponge hits on someone else's site by posting their URL. If you have nothing constructive to say, rather say nothing.

Peas on Toast said...

Ah Rev, have I mentioned [this week] how much I love you?

On Randall - mate, I love that people find my day to day existence entertaining. Obviously not everyone is going to like it. I've had to sanitise what I say these days in order not to hurt people unecessarily. If you don't get that, or don't want to read it, it's ok by me. Seriously.

Anonymous said...

Hmmm, almost as zealous as those who follow Bill Gates blindly...

And more proof that the proletariat are becoming less & less able to analyse content & deduce valid conclusions from it.

1. I acknowledged the public nature of the blog
2. I drew attention to the fact that this is not a spleen-venting exercise
3. There was no insult or rude criticism - only MY opinion that the WRITING had lost it's verve
4. While such defence is admirable, it also indicates a low tolerance for other opinions
5. The mere fact that I commented, indicates that I'm not prepared to sit on the sidelines

It's quite simple - read the material from six months ago and read the material now. It's crap. It used to be Time, now it's Heat. The Proof is on the Toast, so to speak.

Randall

PS I did comment once before - all I got back was a highly defensive rant - no dialog at all...
PPS Tut, tut, tut - do you really think I am affiliated to Dooce in some way? Would I have got the same vitriolic response if I had mentioned a film? Or a book?

Wake up people, it's 2006 - the world is a different place these days...

R

joe said...

Is dooce a play on the word doos? Is that how Randall found it? Googled himself "randall delinear doos" and Google said: Did you mean "Randall the ruler dooce?"

There are great ways of describing this guy in the Cape. Of course Peas you would have heard them screamed at the Mowbray terminus or Sea Point Main Road. All four letters of course :-)

Koekie said...

Peas, you mean you're not going to cry a bucket of crocodile tears over this later tonight?

How disappointing.. What ever will you write about tomorrow?

Revolving Credit said...

Ahh...the weekly profession of love.
*mwah* right back at ya and keep doing that blog thing you do, Randall Delinquents not withstanding.

Peas on Toast said...

Randall - I was under the impression I was Heat and now I am..ok, not Time, but perhaps something other than Heat.

Koekie - I know, it's hardcore not having loser's over my blog anymore! The only thing I cry about these days are hangovers. Bugger. :)

Joe - Notice how the four letter word is very close to POEN? ;)

Rev - *ah!* :)

Revolving Credit said...

Did Mr Delinear just tell us where he 'draws the line'??

LOL

Champagne Heathen said...

"Braaiwood for Sale. R20 a packet. Just look for the hot chicks selling it in Rosebank. Past the 3rd fresh tree stump."

joe said...

Poen! Poen! Poen!

Anonymous said...

Here's a thought:

How come it's considered sacrilege to have an opinion against the 'great Peas' BUT it's ok for everyone to lambast & be rude about the person who commented?

Think. Don't simply react...

PS Joe: snappy - did you think that up all by yourself?
PPS Peas: it's irrelevent to me whether or not you sanitise your writings - I just wanted you to know that I don't think you're as good as you used to be & thus, you've lost a reader
PPPS RC: 'mwah' indeed - do you get the irony...

Peas on Toast said...

Randall - if you have been reading the past stuff, you would then see that I have had MANY comments to the contrary of what you say.
Lots of comments surrounding my ex-boyfriends and how I deal with stuff, what I wrote, people saying because I don't have archives they won't read me, people saying I write like a teenager, I pretty much had it all. And trust me, lots of it hasn't been complimentary. So your comment isn't new to me.

Champagne Heathen said...

Bored at work Randal? Nothing like attempting a stir.

Koekie said...

Randall- just as Peas open herself up to critism on the net, so do we all each time we post.

You're right, you didn't attack in your first post you simply said her blog is not your cuppa any more. But then you can't get upset when people say the same to you.

If you're not enjoying the heat, get outta the kitchen.. neh?

Anonymous said...

Koekie: at last, an intelligent sentient being who reads, understands and responds according to what was posted. And I don't mind the rudeness, I was just pointing out the irony...

RC: Now I am. Ring any bells: "I am not one for first or quick impressions"...

'Twas fun
Randall

Champagne Heathen said...

Oh that's me!
Not RC, CH rather.

Considering I have seen 4 comments of you, I can't say I have formed a proper overall impression of you. Impressions are complex. That was the point.

Your initial comment today is rude. It takes your thoughts into consideration, and not the reader's reaction. You were frustrated and you wished to express this. You did so in a way that comes off as an out-of-the-blue insult. You continued to laud your 'superior intelligence' about here by the use of such words as "proletariat", "tut tut", "at last, an intelligent sentient" and other derogatory statements.

Your opinion could have been expressed in a number of ways. Your intelligence should have recognised several. Your compassion and class should have chosen the most appropriate. Your lack of boredom in this situation keeps you commenting.

Revolving Credit said...

Randall, it's often not what you say but how you say it. Go back and read what you wrote.

Whether you intended it or not, your comment was somewhat smug and superior in tone, at very least that was the sentiment expressed and interpreted by the other blog readers. Therefore the general response.

Criticism that is positive is great, but when delivered as such a snide commentary, you can expect retaliation.

As to what my impressions are, well they are still being formulated, but my initial response is clear and recorded.

However in the absence of any future input from your side, initial posts will be all I have to go on and will be the basis of my impression.

If in future you decide that this forum is worthy of your interest and participation, then perceptions and impressions may change, but until then...

I hope you find what you're looking for - we'll be here living our mundane existances, commenting on it, providing some humour and support to our fellow bloggers and generally enjoying the interaction.

So good luck and good bye.

It was fun almost getting to know you.

Rev

Jam said...

So tell us Randall dear - do you have a blog?

High in Dubai said...

Wow... I can't believe I only witnessed the tail end of that discussion.

I must say I would pay no mind to Randall. I am constantly confused as to why people feel the need to be rude and create an aura of negativity by putting forth their selfish opinion which serves not to help but more to hurt!!!

Peas, I must say it is really quite nice to see that you have such supportive blog buddies!!!

CH - amazing writing!

Peas on Toast said...

Yes Randall - I wanna read your blog!

Guys I have just had 1 234 photos printed. Which I plan to scrapbook. Would I make a good housewife or what?

Peas on Toast said...

High in Dubai - I must say I am always amazed at how supportive and incredible my readers are. I really am so lucky and often blown away at their support.

I love all of you. (Even you Randall. Sort of.)

JAm said...

Randall has provided us with hours of entertainment today.
What are your photos OF????

Daedalus said...

Oi Ertjie

Keep on writing like a teenager … we *the fans* love it ;)

Erm, Who the phuck is Randall?

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, not sure about the good housewife thing but depending on the nature of the photos, you could launch your own 'pay for access' porn site.

Champagne Heathen said...

high in dubai - *blush* thanks! My life's calling was to be a lawyer. Something got confused along the way and I ended up as a ranting tree-hugging loon.

See... there's always a way to make someone be quiet. He had to way up having the last word vs. not being wrong.

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - most of them are pics dating back from the beginning of the year, drunken nights out, vaal weekends, the Durban July, GTown, my birthday...phew, so much. :)

Daedalus - thanks darling heart. Ertjie loves being a teenager. ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - oh yes did I mention the porn??

I see early retirement. And it's looking gooooood. :)

Champagne Heathen said...

Way. Weigh. I'm a loon without an internal dictionary.

Revolving Credit said...

Champs - Something got confused on the scale so you hugged some Gautrain trees ???????

Jam said...

Oooh - best you keep those under lock and key then.

Terri said...

You are such a good writer Peas! Thanks for another thoroughly entertaining tale.

Champagne Heathen said...

Huh????
Rev...3rd "way" in my previous comment. But something always gets confused in my scales. Meanwhile, I think Jam is keeping trees under lock and key? Or is that porn?
HUH???? I'm going back to the sex talk....

Jam said...

Not the trees Champs. Was referring to Peas' photographs. Now since people were so vitriolic about her being anonymous, you can imagine that there are some individuals out there who would like to get their hands on her photos...(well more than her photos...)

Revolving Credit said...

Well, after she attends the dinner seeking Zorba the Geek, it's more likely there'll be a few peeps 'who would like to get their hands on her'

Peas on Toast said...

Aw thanks terri! I'm glad I still manage to entertain sometimes! :)

Champs and Jam - tell you what, let's meet at the stumps in Rosebank and chat about all this lock and key stuff. :)

Jam - if only. I wonder if Certain Someone wants to see them? Ooh no, I couldn't possibly...could I?

Champagne Heathen said...

*Google*..."Dictionary"..."vitriolic"....very caustic; scathing; Synonyms: acid, bitter...

AAAH!

Especially if they're her porn photos.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I'm a little scared. But who said I was going yet anyway? ;) Best I make up my mind and RSVP before the week is over.

Jam said...

See what Peas? ;-)
Perhaps we should be chaining ourselves to the trees with locks and throwing away the keys.

Peas on Toast said...

Jam let's do it! Champers you keen?

Screw the Gautrain, we're saving the trees.

We'll be the three crazy ladybloggers chained to the remaining trees on Jellicoe Ave. And we might even wear hippie gear. Oh yes.

Jam said...

Sure beats sitting in my office. Set a time and date and I'll be there with blomme in my hairs.

Peas on Toast said...

Awesome. I'll bring the tie dye t-shirts. :)

Koekie said...

Pick me! Tree-hugging sure beats the boredom of contemplating whether putting a stapler through my thumb will actually hurt THAT much... no wait, that was me contemplating if putting a staple through my colleague's thumb will actually be that bad... is it still Thursday?

Revolving Credit said...

Koekie, if you staple your ears to the sides of your head, if makes you run faster.

Peas on Toast said...

Koekie you're a riot.

Four tie-dyes to go!

Bring on Friday. I can already drink I mean smell it.

Koekie said...

Thanks Rev, I thought about that too but I figured the metal wouldn't match my earrings.

Conspiracy theory: Randall is from South Hills...

Peas on Toast said...

Koekie I defintely think you're onto something.

Randall is a South Hills resident. Why didn't we think of this before?
O kak.
:)

Champagne Heathen said...

HA! I have regained the ability to comment, right after my boss bust me doing UNISA work during office hours.

Yes, I too will love to join this tree-chained swaying (if a chained-up person can sway?), and chanting my song of yesterday in all that is peace-loving-and-earth-bonding gear.

Meanwhile, Peas, you should maybe print Rev's diagram of today if you are planning on showing Certain Someone anything...considering your comments about the subject in the past month.