Tuesday, September 05, 2006

handbags, shoes, knee

We organised on Friday evening to have a little surprise get together for L’Ant in Norwood, and as we arrived, a girl came up to me and said four incredible words: I want your handbag.

It is indeed a smashing hold-everything sack. Gold, big, flashy, Parisian baroque. (It sounds appalling on paper/screen, but you’re going to just have to trust me on this one.) I quite liked her bag. Hers was in fact better. More slouchy, silver, newer.

We swopped. Poured out our belongings on the table where I proceeded to exchange bags with a complete stranger. Rock. And. Roll.

She got the raw end of the deal I’m thinking, but I suppose it did match her gold shoes, gold belt, gold shirt and excessive gold eye makeup. But have you ever stopped to see the detritus at the bottom of one’s handbag? It’s nasty.

Millions in coins, a sachet of cut flower mix, a sachet of foundation, two cigarette butts (Good God), tissue, pens, sea sand, a stray Beechie, three lip glosses, a flash disc, credit card slips, a cork (a fucking cork), the inside of a pen, followed by a separate nib end and Bic casing, a Listerine Pocket Pack, a Brutal Fruit lid (no guesses where that came from), a tampon, two hair bands, a remote control for the gate, a piece of biltong (serious. Biltong), a lost Myprodol capsule, leaves, an AA battery, a safety pin, a loose spring, a paperclip, two business cards, a lighter, and other indescribable and unidentified flotsam that would probably need to go to a lab for testing.

This is stuff I didn’t even know was in there. Because above it sits the usual stuff like sunglasses, wallet, two sets of keys, a camera, an iPod, cellphone, hands-free kit, cigarettes, hairbrush, ID document, Elizabeth Arden’s Eight Hour Cream, perfume, and a Magic Marker.

Anyway, it’s Christmas, I have a new handbag. The lining is way better than my old one. Score. I also bought three pairs of shoes at the Oriental Plaza. Fuck. But good fuck.

On Saturday, we went to the Knee, The Spastic Colon. After a picnic at Zoo Lake, a food fight with Third Roommate involving coffee cake being smooshed into hair and clothing, we made messy at the Coloknee.
Ten The Knee points:
1) I didn’t drink cane. Vodka forever.
2) The Ant and I did two dreadful reflex-ear-blocking renditions of The Spice Girls and Roxette. We. Were. Hot. (“Chuck us your undies!”)
3) One pick-up line I’ll remember for a while. Apparently I look like Princess Fiona. From Shrek. (Isn’t she green?) I’m also Miss South Africa apparently.
4) We humped the wall a few times.
5) Third Roommate and I pretended we’d literally taken a trip to Maritzburg for the weekend. At one stage I think we convinced ourselves we were actually there. “You gotta love Maritzburg hey.” “Glad we made the trip.” “Maritzburg is underrated hey. Natal prices, salt of the Earth people…”
6) Air guitar.
7) I smashed someone in the face with my ass.
8) My new pair of white mock-croc stiletto are full of Knee scum, and need to be Handy Andyed.
9) Some dude was break-dancing to Vanilla Ice. Like headbutting the floor, jumping on his elbows, that sort of thing. Impressive, yet a little risky all the same.
10) Love the Knee. Bless the Knee. Because no matter how messy you are, nobody will remember. Love that they serve John Deere (cane and cream soda) in cut off two litre bottles, not jugs anymore. Classy.

On Sunday, a glass exploded in my face at Primi Piatti, it just broke in half in front of my eyes, spilling Grapetiser all over myself. And I went with The Ant to an Italian film festival. One of the Itie Society members, Fabrizio, was such a porn star. In a debonair-Lacoste-wearing way. I actually cracked a smile, during an Itie movie most heavy and dark.

30 comments:

kyknoord said...

Useful things, corks. You never know when you'll need to plug a dyke.

Peas on Toast said...

Lol - you just never know. :)

Daedalus said...

I have always been wary of handbag contents Haha!

A *cork* Peas? WTF!?!…

Bwhahaha!

I think the cork is the crux of this lengthy post … A CORK!?

Somali said...

Hey Peas,

I have all of the above in my handbag... and until last Thursday I had Baby Cologne in there. The thing is it leaked onto my cell phone, and therefore my cell is not working, it does not even switch on! Now I am stuck with a minuet little ''need a manual to make a call'' cell phone.

Glad you had a blast off a weekend,

Champagne Heathen said...

Of course she loved that your handbag was gold. You were in Norwood of all places!!

One guy's flirtation with me once was to tell me I sounded just like Shrek. Also confused on whether this is complimentary or not. I say we just claim these as compliments.

No sighting of you this weekend from my side. Impressed you got out and about on Friday night!

Third World Ant said...

Dude, I'm still stiff from our antics at the Knee! 26 and over the hill, it seems :)

Peas on Toast said...

Daedalus - A cork, can yo believe it? Well I suppose after all the wine I consume, it's fairly feasible...;)

Somali - bugger about the cologne dollface! Handbags are pretty gross. I once dropped a drink ina girls by mistake at the Colon. I dashed. She must've hated me...

Champs - I know, Grant Avenue as well :)
Yip this weekend was manic, no Mad Hatter either, makes for a pleasant change! :)

The Ant - doooood, I can hardly walk! Our dance moves have left me half crippled! It ust've been when we were stretched between the door frame to the bogs...ouch.

Antoine said...

Which is the reason why they do not allow the ladies to take their handbags onto Survivor.

Woman can live off the stuff found in their handbags for a year.

:)

Revolving Credit said...

I know it's been a while, but I notice a lack of any form of contraception.
Is that what the cork is for?

Peas on Toast said...

Antoine - although, I'll be stright: whatever the unnamed detritus was at the bottom of my bag was, I'm thinking if I ever ate it, I'd die within twenty minutes.

Reverie - speaking of contraception, someone gave me two condoms at the Colony. Just sort of handed them to me. Needless to say, I gave them to The Ant. How depressing is that??

Champagne Heathen said...

Excellent to know someone at the Colony is finally worrying about post-Colony behaviour, and promoting some safe sex! On Saturday, we actually were discussing how they should have a large bowl at the door filled with free condoms. Although considering the state many guys leave the colony in, it is not necessarily the first place to be concerned about.

Peas on Toast said...

Yeah Champs - I'm thinking that after ten John Deeres the chances of many trying to get it up, nevermind actually walk, must be high. But still, perhaps condoms for the morning after isn't a bad idea.

PS: Shrek sounds Scottish. Have you spent a lot of time in the Highlands lately? ;)

Champagne Heathen said...

Next time I am chatting to the Department of Health about my monthly personal free condom supply, I'll suggest they drop a second crate off at the Colony too!! As well as Manhattans.

I haven't been jigging about with any Scots lately to have gained an accent off them. That I know of. Perhaps it was after a whiskey night. Are you running about with a tiara and long green dress?

Anonymous said...

aaahhh - so it was you with the leg up against the wall/door frame to the toilets. Some interesting moves going down there hey !!!

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - no not exactly. I left my tiara at home for a change! ;)

Anon - shite. So people DO remember stuff at the Colony. Schoolboy error. :)

Jam said...

How did you manage to fit all of that stuff back in the silver bag???

Daedalus said...

Red Wine Peas?
I am big on Dry Reds.

Anonymous said...

haha - don't worry the memory is not too sharp, I do remember thinking "How the fek do I get past this, climb over or crawl under" though ...

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - well, I kinda didn't. Although already the bits and pieces are building up in the new bag...

Daedalus - as much as I love red wine, it was a La Motte cork. I tend to drink white suavignon blanc on most occasions...

Anon - oh God! You weren't the man I was having a bum smacking thing with are you?
(You hit my bum, I hit yours back, you hit mine, ad infinitum...)

Anonymous said...

Nope unfortunately that wasn't me ! Sounds good though - another time ;-) I was the ridiculously good looking guy you couldn't take your eyes off the whole evening !!

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - well then we must've locked eyes on several occasions my lovely, since you probably couldn't take your eyes off the beautiful and enchanting Princess Fiona either! :) (Looking my best, of course!)

Revolving Credit said...

Please explian the logistics regarding the planting of your butt on someones face?

Choosy said...

Woohoo Colony!!!I heart the colony long time. I used to work at the good ole video spot in my youth so going back to the Colon feels like going home. An extremely dysfunctional home but home none the less...I must have missed you Peas, I was there in the day and copped out of the evening's revelries to go home and get boozed with DVDs.
P.S. inspired by your handbag tales I have now looked through mine and found my Spongebob Squarepants post-its at the bottom - YAY! Treasure!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - well, what happened was, somebody leaned over to pick up something off the floor and I was doing one of those reverse dancemove efforts, which landed on his poor and unfortunate face. I lietrally boofed his face with my bottom.

Choosy - ah bless! The only video store in this town that has a copy of The Castle! I bet the the Knee hasn't changed since you worked there. It's one of those places that seems to abbhor time. Love it.

Revolving Credit said...

Hmm....the guy sounds like a crack addict who used the opportunity when presented.

Choosy said...

Yep, some things never change, The Arms has been the tragic yet charming black sheep of the Colony centre since time immemorial. Although, looking back, there was once a Magik Card Trading Emporium in the centre which I think is pretty shameful...

other-duke said...

Womens' handbags are quite impressive, but not as impressive as a guy when he goes out. wallet and camera in one pocket; phone, gum & lobello in the other pocket; keys and coins in the back pocket; girlfriend's phone in the other back pocket. chipmunk-style ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Choosy - yeah, I have a hard time figuring out which is worse: Magik Card Trading Emporium or the Arms. :)

O-D - I wish I could do that! You know how many bags I could've salvaged by going out with all my stuff in pockets. Like not having to put them on the dancefloor at Manwhores, or the Knee. GUys have it so easy :)

Inyoka said...

Handbags.....

Hell! Mary Poppins has nothing on you!

Anyway, happy birthday. Today?

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Inyoka - but no, mine's the 14th, Ant's was on the 1st.