Wednesday, September 06, 2006

to dye for

Oh crappola. Hair disaster.

For two hours yesterday, I had awful hair.

The evening started off well enough.
Until I applied hair dye to my crowning glory, that is. The box clearly indicated that the colour was Plum Dark Brown. You know, chocolately brown with a hint of plum. My hair is dark brown, but this colour was meant to force my hair to perform at its ultimate peak. Sjooj it up, make it shiny, transform it into dark and tumbling locks swimming delightfully on my shoulders, with a just hint of plum so that the newfound sun would turn my head into a glittering plummy fusion of beauty.

I followed the indications all very well. I left the dye on for twenty minutes. Then rinsed. Oh horror of all horrors.
It went purple. I was now the proud owner of a purple head of hair.

Not mauve. Not lilac. Not blue. Purple. Purple Corsa purple. Freak Show Purple. Teenage Goth Purple. Grape. Gaping grape.

Then, in the middle of the hyperventilation attack, Ex S’ mum phoned me. We’re still close, me and his mum, but this was a bad time.
Ex S’ Mother: Peas, how are you my dear?
Peas: [shriek] Shit!
Ex S’ Mother: Pardon?
Peas: I’ve just dyed my hair purple.
Ex S’ Mother: What, right now?
Peas: Yes. [sob]
Ex S Mother: Oh dear. You need to do something about that.
Peas: Correct. Help!
Ex S Mother: You need to find a 24-hour Spar. They sell dye.
Peas: [sniff] I’m on my way. Just need to find a hat.

I bought new dye, and now it is dark, chestnut brown with just a touch of plum, as previously planned.
You know how they recommend you to do the ‘strand test’ first? It’s not completely pants, that little piece of fine print. Situated somewhere between ‘don the gloves’, ‘set the timer’ and ‘mix the peroxide in with the colour sachet.’

The Ant’s folks came round to see the flat for the first time. Unpurpled and pyjama-clad, I was most impressed by her father who, being Italian, spoke to me in French. Good French mind you.

Don’t think he realised that half an hour before this, I had a violently violet head.

46 comments:

Daytripper said...

hilarious! I prefer blue balck myself, but purple is a good colour... the union of body and spirit!

Lau said...

Morning Peas, that's so funny. Not something you want to do on a monday night. I've done the 'plum' thing before, laughed so much when I was done I developed a six pack. I couldn't be arsed to go and buy more dye. Luckily when I washed it the next day, it wasn't to bad. I did get few few admiring looks from the OAP's though :)

Candy said...

Oy vey, doll! Maybe you should get professional help! I can recommend a divine hairdresser in Norwood... I love your blog!

Peas on Toast said...

Daytripper - For the brief 2.5 seconds I realised it was purple, I didn't think of anything 'union-like' my dear. :)

Lau - That's what I was hoping for too. But it just didn't go away! THak goodness for 24-hour Spars! :)

Candy - thanks dollface! Luckily I've managed to sort it out - although it just doesn't look like the hair I saw in the TV commercial. Bugger.

J.M said...

Sure you still look hot though Peas :)

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks JM. :)

Soapbox Sally said...

Ack, I once managed to dye mine a lovely shade of green/grey. I called in sick the next day.

Love your blog! Thanks for the laugh :)

Crusoe said...

Aaaaah, hair. Those were the days *sigh*

Hey Peas, aren't you supposed to pay a stylist (read barber) a small fortune to fsk up your hair instead of doing it yourself?

Peas on Toast said...

Soapbox Sally - Thanks m'dear. Green/grey - shame dollface, it sounds pretty darn traumatic!

Peas on Toast said...

Crusoe - sensible people have a stylist. I try to take shortcuts. But I have learnt the error of my ways. ;)

Champagne Heathen said...

In a hope to be red for awhile, I once dyed my hair a "bougainvillea" colour. It also was BRIGHT purple for several days. Luckily that was in 1st year when you were at liberty for such fck ups. It eventually calmed down to a good deep red.

There are 24hr Spars?!?! Where?? I could actually start grocery shopping again and have food in my fridge!

other-duke said...

that's superb. good thing you sorted it out. otherwise you would have had to find a 24hour cosmetics shop and buy purple nail polish and tell everyone you're doing an undercover story on sister's of mercy fans.

3rm said...

clearly we've found a way to spell sjooj then

butter said...

Haha, nice one, glad it's sorted...you french?

Jam said...

Box dyes never live up to their advertised colour. But, it does help to wash you hair A LOT if this happens again. I once dyed my hair deep lum on purpose, through a hairdresser. Then I took offence when the school insisted I wash it out (wash out permanent dye? I don't think so) It's fine to be purple when you're a punky 16...

Tony Hawk said...

Interesting vibe today.

3rm said...

i'm definitely not but peas has the unfortunate honour of coming from the same heritage as marie antoinette

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - bougainvillea! Hilarious!
Try the Greenside Spar m'dear, not sure they're 24 hours, but they're open very, very late!

O-D - Sister of Mercy Eat Meatballs. Doing research, Mr Boss, promise. ;)

3RM - after much contemplation, sjooj.

Butter - half French. 3RM is jealous.

Jam - Yip at school they marched us down to the nearest hairdresser to get it sorted out...

Tony - yeah. I guess.

Revolving Credit said...

Ha, you should have tried it on your pubes first. Then you could've been:
Peas of the Purple Pudendum.

Peas on Toast said...

Purple pubes? You're one kinky motherfucker Reverie. :)

Crusoe said...

You should have left it and the next day when people ask what happened to your hair just look at them like they are crazy and tell them your hair has always been that colour. Then tsk and walk away :)

Peas on Toast said...

Lol. Now THAT would be hilarious. If you'd seen it Crusoe, you'd understand why that totally woudn't work. Would be heluva entertaining though! :)

Revolving Credit said...

OK, your hair, Champs's dress, Zuzula's shoes, Ant's pole dance

Me thinks that should make for an excellent karaoke session, don't you.

Peas on Toast said...

Wow, us lot could actually start our own circus. Or porn show. I'm betting people would pay good money to see us perform! :)

YOu would wouldn't you Rev? ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Cheque, credit card, cash, bank transfer, voygermiles, paypal...you choose.

Seems like it may be a bit like the Porn and Judy puppet show.

Champagne Heathen said...

I'm now a puppet in a condom dress?? While Peas cracks her whip as ring leader. I dread to think what my circus act would then be Rev...

Revolving Credit said...

Champs, you choose:
(s)trap(t)eze artist or human condom ball.

Champagne Heathen said...

Ooo, I think I would prefer the (s)trap(t)eze act, but that might coincide too closely with Ant's pole dancing act. Zuzula seems to have cornered the leopard taming market. I guess, considering the dress's theme, maybe I will have to be shot from something!

Revolving Credit said...

Fuck, Riaan Cruywagen ages faster than my internet connection is responding today.

Champs, I'll see if I can hussle up a water-bed to cushion your landing. Once you've been shot, just aim for the wetspot.

Peas on Toast said...

God you guys make me chuckle. Champs attending as a giant condom ball? Riaan Cruywagen aging faster than your internet connection?

We'll have to fly Zu over here from sunny London for our karaoke ensemble. I'm sure she'll love the venue: Colony Arms. Best yo get up north too, Rev.

Revolving Credit said...

So Peas, what musical repetoire do you have lined up for the 'John Deere Karaoke Quintet'

(am attempting to elicit possible sponsorship)

Champagne Heathen said...

There are the obvious song choices of "Purple Rain", "Untame my heart" and of course, "Shot through the...uh...heart" .

Shortypam said...

oh man thats so hilarious!!!! hahahahaha!!! i remember dying my hair pink by accident and unfortunatly it had to stay that way for two days!!!! well at leat u look good now.

Sunchaser said...

chicks and hair - bwahahahaha! You could get by with henna peas. Or next time try something really out there - like blue, or maybe even pea green...

Revolving Credit said...

Might as well do a full stage production of the musical 'Hair'?

Chances are the dress, shoes, pole dancing and all the oth ercircus acts will fit in just fine ( not to mention the 'Hair' of course)

kyknoord said...

You missed a golden opportunity to go into politics. The Purple Shall Govern!

Daedalus said...

Ertjie,

Why did you not take a pic and publish it for us? Hmmmm…? haha!

Revolving Credit said...

..and zose people who are not purple vill be beaten until zey are purple, you vill conform ja!

Peas on Toast said...

Ah guys, hilarious!

I didn't post a pic Daedalus, because it was the last thing on my mind at that moment. Trust me! :)

You guys are hilarious. My song of choice would be "I Wanna Be A Porn Star."
;)

Revolving Credit said...

Well then the rest of the group will have to respond with the chorus :'Ass like that'

Revolving Credit said...

Kyknoord, dude, do you have the gift of foresight? Are you a fortune-teller or do bodies from beyond the spirit world also read your blog?

I refer to your post on friday entitled:
'Enshroud me in thy purple cloak'

Something tells me you foretold Peas's little hairscapade!

That was freaky, ok now lets go drinking.

Kevin Cadman said...

Hi Peas!

Long time...

I wonder if you can help me out - my girlfriend broke up with me today and it's completely devastated me. I know you've recently gone through all of this, so I would love to hear your thoughts on the matter. You can read about it on my blog - http://boredkevin.blogspot.com

Never before have I felt so upset... I hate this.

Manangled said...

Peas I've become addicted to your blog and your life. Funny, when I died my hair it just looked boringly crap, love the shit you get up to.

Kevin Cadman I feel your pain :(

ATW said...

Good to see that you and Tony have sorted out your differences.

I had some thoughts about the whole thing too.

Peet said...

Ja, I've done that...

Note too self: When standing at the check out and you realise the box of dark brown dye you're holding has been opened, pay more attention to the new one you grab off the shelf..

Peas on Toast said...

Hi chaps! Wit I checked out your post, thanks dollface.

Kevin - hello my darling. I haven't read your spot yet, but I'll definitely do this thismorning. I am so sorry to hear about your loss. Coming from someone who has had their heart wrenched from their ribcage: It's the worst kind of hurt in the world and you probably feel like you're dying. Or you want to die at any rate.

My advice at this point is: surround yourself with as many mates as possible. If you need to booze your way throug it, do it my friend. Although booze eventually starts making things worse, but for now, drown your sorrows. Don't contact her, don't try to see her, don't try to bump into her. In fact, they say, for 80 days, make no contact. Hide your phone when you're trashed.

Cry your guts out. You're going to get to an angry phase as well Kev, where you don't understand or comprehend why they would dump you etc. I wrote all my angry thoughts in my blog and got lambasted by him and his mates for doing so. Soif you can leave the crappy stuff out of your blog, that's my best advice for you. Write about your sadness, but stop when you get angry. And you will get angry.

I feel for you sweetheart, nobody in the world should go through this, but it seems that everybody does at stage or another. I'll tell you this too: It does get better. Slowly but surely. It takes time, give yourself a month or two to feel like absolute shite, but then you'll start to resurface a stronger human being. And remember: she's missing out on YOU. You're a nice, funny individual it seems, and it's her loss. Perhaps she'll realise it dow the line.

In the meantime, look after yourself. THis is your time to be completely selfish. I'm going to visit your site now.
Lots f hugs and kisses,
Peas
xxxxx