Saturday, September 02, 2006

SMS of self-prostitution and self-career-crucification

Oh my God.

But before I start: Happy happy mia piccola pomodora The Ant! The delightful woman is 26 today. Here’s to a fantastic day and jolly good celebrations my darling flatmate.
OK. This had me rolling on the floor for half an hour:

SMS: Hello Peas, remember life is a book, read it; love is a blessing, live it; life is a journey, be it. Love from Dee.
Indian international code. Must be from Doc. Since when does he call himself Dee? Maybe he’s smoking Vindaloo Green.
Peas: Dee? Doc?
SMS: No, remember me Deepak? I was at the Indian stand, you ate my curry and bought my poppadums.
Now I knew he’d really been smoking green, I thought ‘Ha ha Doc, you’re so funny you little prankster you.’ Fine. So I played along.
Bwahahahaha, did I have sex with you? And was it good?

There was a kind of silence.

SMS: I don’t understand. I might have the wrong number. Is this Peas?
Doc wouldn’t write that. I paused. And realised with horror, after all the pieces fell into place. This man. Deepak. He. Is. A. Work. Client. I met him at that gastronomic trade show I had to attend a month ago. I had given one of these Delhi residents my business card for a feature I was to write on Indian cuisine. This man was not Doc. Oh my GOD. Oh my bloody Hell and fuck.

Peas: No. This isn’t Peas. I think you have wrong number. Sorry.
SMS: I’m sorry. I thought you were Peas O‘Toast from [food & bev publication], I must have wrong number. Sorry to trouble you, Deepak.

Oh sweet Jesus. All he has to do is look at my business card again, this time under a scrutinous eye, and realise he had, indeed, contacted the right number. It was the formerly very-presentable, sophisticated, business-like and professional deputy editor herself.

I found this monolithically hilarious. Such an astoundingly act of naivety such as I have ever experienced.

PS: Went out and got smashed. It was the plan. C and I dressed up like slutty school girls (my favourite) and we made merry at a hockey club's drinks bash. We seemed to win endless bottles of Brutal Fruit, because everytime we turned around, a free one was given to us. Ever-willing, we smashed them in our faces. First day of Spring feels a little rough. Mating season is upon us.

55 comments:

Don said...

You're so busted! He has to know it's really you. Haha!

Mating season? Better get my stick ready. (Not that stick!)

Peas on Toast said...

So busted. SO. Busted. :)

Which stick then Don? ;)

kyknoord said...

Don't worry about it - it's entirely possible that he reads your blog and therefore knows you create your own chaos. What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Shortypam said...

hehe... hahaha... bwahhahahahah!!! lol!!! i remember sending my ex a sexy message, something like i cant wait 4 u to rip my clothes of and boof me to heaven and back to his mom!!! yeah, she never looked at me the same way again... (snigger)

mating season, my favourite... ;-)

Shortypam said...

kyk, u have a real ermmm interesting sense of humour... :-)

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - It's definitely possibel he reads this. In fact, if he does, everything should fall into place and this evidently should let me off the hook. :)

Shorty - to his MOTHER? Oh you poor thing! That is hectic. Thank god this is only a client that lives far, far away!

Champagne Heathen said...

If he is a work associate then why is he sending you bizzare messages like that anyway?? He obviously wants to try out your poppadums. I reckon you're off the hook, cause he is probably feeling skaam enough for sending the first sms off to you, or 'the stranger' anyway.

Bring on mating season!! This hibernation thing is not up to scratch.

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - that's what I thought. But if I remember him correctly, he seemed like your average, sweet, philosophical character. So who knows ;)

Bring on mating season! :)

Champagne Heathen said...

Even a philosopher needs a good POMPaddum every once in a while.

Crusoe said...

You should own up and have a laugh about it. It isn't that skaam and maybe it leads to more business. He knows you're a journo which means he already knows you're weird - I say roll with it :)

Peas on Toast said...

Crusoe, you've given me an idea. I'll say a mate go hold of my phone and was taking the piss.

Excellent! Then I still look innocent and angelic, and therefore get to write a feature on Indian food. Cunning?

other-duke said...

1. Happy Birthday Ant!

2. once again, there must have been pictures...

3. a better response might have been i apologise, my little brother got hold of my phone, this is peas now. can we arrange an interview? or better still i am borrowing peas phone while she is on assignment. i thought it was someone else. regards, [colleagues name you don't like].

Bwhahaha. gotta love that cold feeling the moment the penny drops ;)

your own chaos!

Peas on Toast said...

Bwahah O-D - See? It's just IMPOSSIBLE ofr me to stay out of trouble. The harder I try, the more chaos follows. :)

Yip, I'll sms him and apologise and say my little brother/mate/colleague got hold of my phone.

God. It's too funny.

Revolving Credit said...

"Stile water, dieper grond, onder dwaal die Duiwel rond"

It's those quiet, philosopher types that end-up being cross-dressers or stalkers.

The guy met you once at a trade fair, is kinda a client and has your bizniz card & he sends you :
'blahblah....love..blahblah..life...blahblah...Love from Dee'

Me thinks me was trying to get all mushy with Mushy Peas on Toast.

Unfortunately for him, it's the start of mating season, so what he found was Slutty Peas on Toast.

1 of 2 possible outcomes - you're either dashed his hopes or heightened/fulfilled his fantasy.

"..did I have sex with you? And was it good?
After the response he got, he may well be SMSing you again. Next time he's in the country he'll definitely be calling your ass.
He'll be hoping for some Curried Peas on Deepak.

Jam said...

If he asks, just say you sent to the wrong person in your phone book by mistake...I've done that before.
But yes - I agree with everyone here - what IS Deepak DOING sending you philisophical messages having met you once at some food show?????

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - Curried Peas on Deepak! Oh my Gad.
My hangover has just reached epic proportions where I am mock charging to the point where I'm going to have to go pass out in a ball on the bathroom floor.

Help.

Jam - yes why is Deepak smsing me anyway? That's the LAST time I put my cellphone number on my business cards.

Gotta go to the loo. This isn't even a joke.

Daedalus said...

SMS: No. ;)
Regards D.

Crusoe said...

Peas you HAVE to use this to your advantage! Tell him you are working on 2 separate articles, one on Indian cuisine and one on the Karma Sutra, and both are with fellows named Deepak. When you realised it was the wrong Deepak you felt embarressed.

Even if he doesn't believe you he will think it's a clever response. :)

Revolving Credit said...

To quote Deepak :'..Life is a journey..'
right now it's a journey to the loo, later a journey to the BP for pies and headache tablets.

Champagne Heathen said...

If you're using this to your advantage, and it's the start of mating season, and he is sending you sketchy sms's, let's start with the basics...is Deepak hot and shaggable?

(Good luck with the mock charging. I completely feel your pain right now.)

Peas on Toast said...

Chaps I'm not sure which comes first, the chicken or the egg: Deepak or too many Brutals last night.

But I feel so fucking sick right now, it's like my hangover just decided to take it up a notch too many.

I really fear I'm not going to last the day.

PS: Champs - can't remember what Deepak looks like. Oh God. Need to vomit. Like right this instant.

Daedalus said...

kots.

Revolving Credit said...

If I rub your tummy, will it make you feel better?

Champagne Heathen said...

Rev, are you taking tips from Deepak?? Suspect sweet gestures.

Peas, if you do figure out how to get off work and head home, please let me know. I am not as sick as you, but I am not far behind either!

And see, there is a reason they have to put things like B.Fruits on promos! It's the only way to sell some of those types of drinks!

Revolving Credit said...

If I rub your tummy, are you going to throw up on me?

Peas on Toast said...

Probably yes.


Not coping.

Anonymous said...

Oh no, feel better peas...hockey drinks? U a hockey player? What ball skills do u have;)

Peas on Toast said...

Definitely not a hockey player.

Just seem to fraternise with them every now and then.

Not coping.

Revolving Credit said...

Well, I guess thats why they call it 'Brutal' - cause it's really fucked you up.
Next time stick to 'Passion' Fruit.

Jam said...

I wonder if we added up all the times we have all been hungover how many hours of feeling sick we'd come to?

Champagne Heathen said...

How many hours are in 4 years? ...that'd take care of the varsity career. Although maybe I just need a 3rd of those hours. I was drunk the rest of the time.

Peas...make a run for the cafe and buy a six-pack of stoney ginger beer. It'll work. Do it.

Third World Ant said...

Hello Peas! Muchos Muchos gracias for my iPod babe - you rock! (even if your music doesn't ;) !

Mmmmmwwwwwaaaaahhhhh!

Peas on Toast said...

Ant - best you tell everyone its my old iPod before I get hounded by hey 'big spender!' :)

Champs - you weren't by any chance the same girl who fed my ex boyf and his cohorts those shooters last night were you??

Champagne Heathen said...

Who's your ex boyfriend? Depends...did you like that chick or not?

I didn't buy the shooters though. Actually I think it was a guy buying them. I just made the guys drink them with their hands behind their backs.

(Are we having transblog conversations here?)

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - I remember EX S telling me last night, in my drunken haze that someone just made him drink a blowjob. So this morning, when you said something about making guys drink shooters...I put two and two together.

Are you seeing someone? Cos if Ex S has the right person, I think I know the guy you seeing. Good God this town is small! :)

zuzula said...

you need a bacon sandwich...

Champagne Heathen said...

And I am definitely single. Man, I hope I am single. Cause I would hate to be seeing someone and still not getting any sex. HA, my identity is still safe, for a minute.

Peas on Toast said...

OK, then must have the wrong person. You're safe Champers!

But either way, small small world - I might've even met you before if we have been at the same places.

Zu - food, for once I think would actually kill me!

Tyler said...

I know this is completely unrelated, but I thought it quite appropriate that I was reading the comments on chunder and "Rudebox" by Robbie Williams came on the radio. Is that not just the most stupid song/shite on radio EVER?! Is he trying to rap or just test how many of his shite albums the sheep will but before realising that he is shit. (Before the barrage of insults - apologies to the teeny-boppers)

Champagne Heathen said...

Peas, there is an excellent chance we have! So you weren't the girl handing over her suitcase shots to me last night then? Loved her last night. Don't like her that much today ;o)

Peas on Toast said...

Tyler - that song would make me want to find a cold floor and curl up and die on it right now. In fact, that's where I'm headed during lunch...

Champs - no babe. As generous as I am, I don't give away suitcases. :)

C and I were drinkign tequila mostly. Then shaking it on that dancefllor. Oh God help, I'm feeling soooooo fucking ill right now.

It is the question said...

OH MY WORD!!

It would make for television if you and Chitty ever got crossed SMSes:

http://ridingtheslipstream.blogspot.com/2006/08/wrong-number.html

Hee hee hee. You're a laugh a minute.

IITQ

Suavé said...

Shame Paesypoo! So sorry to hear you're also having a kak one. But, no matter what you do, dont go lie on the bathroom floor. It may sound like a good idea right now but beleive me it aint. Especially if you get busted.

Keep Your Head UP!

xoxo

Champagne Heathen said...

Come on Peas, maintain strength!! And let's go and drink savannas or GnTs to recover. Uncurl yourself from the communal bathroom floor and drag yourself to the pub!

And, I didn't realise pink shirts were part of school uniforms!! ;o)

Champagne Heathen said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Peas on Toast said...

Thanks chaps - I'm about to start crying I feel so shite. Christ. NEVER DRINK on a school NIGHT.

Champs - PINK SHIRT?? Was I wearing a pink shirt??? Oy missy, own up - have we met?

Champagne Heathen said...

No, not from my useless memory at least. Although I do spend many social situations with people going, "I have met you several times before." "Ooooo. sht".

Anyway...(I have hit my hangover babbeling stage)...if my assumptions are correct then last time was the first time I saw you. A mutual friend mentioned your blog & your group of mates recently, of which I know a few. Last night I think I pieced things together. Could've been wrong though. Not in the mood for mentioning more - for the sake of anonynmity & all.

Anonymous said...

sounds like some investigations have been underway!

Let me throw more of a spanner in the "anonymous" works, I was also at the Long bar and the shooters were great!

Peas on Toast said...

LOL Champs! Now I feel all exposed. :)
But I was wearing a pink shirt, that much is true. Next time you see me, you better come and say hi! :)

Anon - the shooters were great at the time. But hell if I'm not regretting it now. And those frigging Brutals...

Champagne Heathen said...

Somewhere in my last comment I meant "last night" not "last time".

Anonymous, you wouldn't happen to be the mutual friend? Cause that dumb mutual friend was feeding me dumb tequilas last night and today my head hurts.

Less investigation and more, "Oh really? That's nice." moments taht tumble towards a realisation. That could be wrong. Afterall, Peas's assumptions of who I was, landed me with a boyfriend for a few minutes today.

Champagne Heathen said...

Peas - I will be sure to! Although, then be sure to cross my path when I am on my way. When I saw you, I was chilled and having a few quiet warm up drinks. Wasn't really chatting to many people by that stage yet. Oh how things changed!

And to make you feel less exposed and clueless to who I am...I was wearing red takkis. (Ha ha, if anyone can figure me out from that I would be duely impressed!)

Anonymous said...

I was drinking shooters but was not that friend Im afraid, I am a friend however (does that make sense?) but not the friend you are thinking of, I claim innocence!!!?? Oh hell...been boozing it up today as well, spring day celebrations have hit me in a big way...

Inyoka said...

Now I understand the statement "I make my own chaos" -:-)

Champagne Heathen said...

Uh oh. My extremely well-hidden cover ;o) has now definitely been blown. Unless you are a friend of Peas and not of mine. Although any friend of Peas is a friend of mine!! This monday morning is making as much sense as last friday afternoon still.

Peas on Toast said...

See Inyoka? It's a curse! And I didn't even get off my couch, nevermind leave the house!