Tuesday, October 17, 2006

flying the morkels flag

Girl Bloggers Unite! Well we did anyway on Friday, for champagne and tequila. Jam, Champers and I somehow started and ended the evening off at Turtle Freak. Was nice. Not that I fit into The Freak. You see, freaks don’t go to The Freak, as strange as that may sound. Financial, stable people go to the Freak. Those that fly a freak flag tend to stick out. But anyway.

On Saturday, Guy I Am Sort Of Kind Of Sort Of Kind Of Seeing, since he entered me into the 94.7 cycle race - yes, that was him – fixed my bike. You have gotta love a guy who has a spanner. And can use it. And gets grease on his face and fiddles with my brakes. Then we cycled around Greenside, stopping at the bottle store. We rode five kilometres. I’m not going to say it killed me, because I’d be lying. In fact it was fine, almost like I even enjoyed it. Now 94.7 kms is going to be a different story. I’ll go on longer rides with him before this damn thing.

C, N, The Dove, The Ant and I got dressed like pornstars at our place before hitting an 80s birthday party. Oh my shattered va-jay-jay.
Can I puke a Morkels couch set over myself?

No seriously. It was a peach bridesmaids/matric ball satin monster from Orkney. The wrong side of the Free State if there’s such a thing. A big fuck-off bow on my ass, shoulder pads as big as mattresses, poofs and puffs in all the wrong places, buttons and ruches. Moogs asked whose curtains I stole in Eldorado Park. (Not that he looked especially handsome, in Bjorn Borg nut-crackers). Purple leg warmers and gold air hostess shoes with diamonds on the heels. Frightening. People came up to me during the evening to ask whether I was from Sasolburg, and openly gasp at this thing in shocked amazement.

C wore a blue shoulder padded, sequined specimen, N looked like a secretary from Vanderbijl with satin purple bows all over the place, while The Ant looked like an air stewardess. People kept on asking her to do the ‘when the cabin pressure drops, air masks will drop from the ceiling’ repertoire and enquire about when the flight was landing. The Ant just insisted she worked for Alitalia. Naturalemente. Corporate power-suit 80s. All she needed was a Commodor 64, and a badge that said ‘Sales Person from Amway 1987’ or ‘I am an Air Hostess’, and she’d have been set. Bloody perfect.

Guy I Am Sort Of Kind Of Sort Of Seeing raided his father’s cupboard and borrowed a matching peach shirt. Bless. At the messiest stage of the evening, N poked us and with an “Oy, stop sucking face!” Nap over.

I went to an art gallery with my mum on Sunday. Where she again insisted on bringing up the Wall experience she so amorously shared with me last week. I’m all for her loving relationship, but seriously.
Peas: Mum do you want to know where I’ve had sex before? It’ll knock your socks off.
Mum: No.
Peas: So why you telling me again?
Mum: Cos it was awesome.
Peas: Hey look at this lovely painting…cows and shit. A landscape.

Kind Of Sort Of Seeing Guy and I went to The Westcliff for a cuppa Earl Grey. It’s been a while since I did the colonial thing. You know, what with frequenting establishments which deplore in buggers puking under the bar, straight caning green beverages and snogging bottom feeders in dark corners.

PS: Speaking of cane – I had one cane at the 80s party. And for ten minutes thereafter I became Impossible Peas as I do when I imbibe this stuff. I put the glass down, and drank Savanna as planned. And became Good Peas again. Cane. That stuff. Is the liquid devil.

53 comments:

other-duke said...

nicely written.

your links are acting up again, I'd have that seen to

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks O-D - the links in the page or on the sidebar?
What would I do without you? ;)

Forty In The Shade said...

The links: just add "http://" before the "www", should work...

Crusoe said...

Congrats on completing your first 5km ride, and without incident as well. How was your butt afterwards?

Peas on Toast said...

Forty - thanks mate.

Crusoe - Amazingly enough my ass was fine! Didn't feel a thing! What are the chnaces I may not even peg on he 94.7? I may need medical assistance, but I may live to see another day. Woohoo!

other-duke said...

you'd need a zimmer frame :)

i see 40 helped you out.

Nice one!

You need a shortening for Sorta Kinda guy. hang on, that's it. Sorta Kinda. That or SOKOSO...

Crusoe said...

When you do a longer ride you will know whether you can make 94.7. Adding km's is also daunting at first, but being able to do 40km's is not a major stretch, and if you can do 40 then you can do 94.7. But seriously, if you're gonna do the race, get some advise from a cyclist on eating and drinking during the race. That is more important than anything else.

Peas on Toast said...

O-D. I like that. SOKOSO The O at the end can stand for Oke.

Crusoe - Yip, best I get some nutrition advice. I haveno idea what to do. I suppose just have shitloads of water very handy...

Crusoe said...

You are likely to spend around 5 hours on the road during the race. Aside from when you sleep, how often do you go 5 hours without eating? Even worse, how often do you go 5 hours without smoking? Hell, you are going to be one cranky bitch by the end of this race! ;-)

Peas on Toast said...

Crusoe - shit I didn't even consider that. I am going to be the biggest bitchcase on Earth if I finish this thing. Do yu think I can stop for a smoke break on the road? Or grab a Maccy D's burger ont he way? Or is this just not done?

Ooh I'm going to be so cranky, it's going to be epic.

Crusoe said...

Hehe - there are a few Maccy D's on the route, but I think you would cotch on your fellow cyclists!

I've seen a few guys choofing while riding, but only try it on the downhills. A friend of mine was having a smoke and speaking on his cell phone when he crashed on Jan Smuts during 94.7 two years ago. Typical fucking male!!

Peas on Toast said...

Yeah, if someone chunders in front of me, I'm gonna chunder too.

Best I actually stop to chow and/or smoke.

Third World Ant said...

"Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats. The craft is about to take off."

Dude, I have to tell them how SOKOSO reacted when you were being Admin Peas: he looked at me with a really worried expression, sighed and said "I'd better go console her." "Good fucking luck" I told him. And then he scuttled after you like a lovesick puppy. So cute! But don't EVER behave like that again! Sheesh!

peanut said...

oh my word peas, I just had a cane flash back! i had my first cane ever at a digs party of Friday...let's just say it was a bit of a blur.
What evil shit!!!
Ja, and Turtle Freak...damn wall to wall audit clerks. oi

Peas on Toast said...

Ant - what did I even say again? I just remember suddenly feeling extremely aggro and pissed off with the both of you. This lasted all of five minutes. Then I carried on my merry way. Bless him. :)

Peanut - babe, put thecane down. I'm telling you cane is worse than any A-Class drug on the planet. At least A-class drugs make people feel happy at the time. ;) Were you at the Colony by any chance?

Champagne Heathen said...

I don't know...the double canes on Saturday seemed to make me into the happiest bounciest chickie in world on Satruday night. I am like a jack-in-the-box on the stuff.

Now excuse me while I go and snooze under the boardroom table to survive this Monday!

peanut said...

Nope, wasn't at the colony last friday - i could only make it about 500m across the road to my boyfriend's house!! Ja, trully evil stuff. I have managed to avoid it my whole life, even that whole Stellies myth that "English people drink cane" (WTF?)
At least i know how to get drunk for very cheaply now...yum

boldly benny said...

A mate of mine loses a girlfriend every time he gets caned - they see the real him and then we end up apologising for him.
He also made a bonfire and burnt seven garden furniture chairs at a digs party when he was on the cane train and he kept stealing everyone's drinks and throwing them in the fire because "they weren't cane".
Needles to say we now have to pry it out his hands every time he meets a girl he really likes because we fear (for his sake) she'll head for the hills.
He should probably be a warning for the stuff - great punch mixer tho!

Peas on Toast said...

Champers - I'm with you on being exhauted. I'm so tired today! I used to be cool on cane. Something changed this year for some reason.

Peanut - it's cheap for a reason dollface. But if it works for you, chin chin to that! :)

Boldly - that's hilarious. Dowsing the flames in alcohol because it wasn't cane!
Um, was this a digs party in Sandton in June by any chance? And were people falling backwards into a jacuzzi by any chance? I remember a large garden fire as well...

Daedalus said...

Ertjie, Glad to see other people also get called “Guy” ;)

boldly benny said...

It was mad - it was towards the end of last year at a dodgy party on some farm on the outskirts of Pretoria (no judgement - most of December '05 is a haze for me and we are still trying to establish how our arms got SO RUBBER that this party seemed like a good idea).
In Rhodes there is a digs and they have a HUGE party at the end of each year just before exams and your right of entry is that you have to bring something to burn - but I don't need to explain Rhodes carnage to you!

Peas on Toast said...

Daedalus - correct my guy. Everyone is guy. :) You can be D-guy. Does that work?

Boldly - Yes, Rhodes carnage - both Rhodes students in GTown and Rhodes alumni out of Rhodes - is always messy. And hilarious. :)

Peas on Toast said...

Boldly - is it that Mordor digs that everyone talks about?

Jam said...

Having consumed way too much champagne, the odd tequila and too much white wine, I scarcely noticed the "freaks" at Turtle Freak. Thank goodness. But I'm old and had to skip Saturday due to a crippling hangover and dinner with a friend I"d forgotten. Which I regret because I would love to have seen the outfit. You have some interesting friends Peas.
;-)

Peas on Toast said...

Jam you're a popular one with my mates. Especially Forbsie. :) Bless.

I read Champers' site, you guys ripped it proper in Meville, nice one my dear! Hope you're holding up.
xx

Daedalus said...

That worx for me Ertjie, "D-Guy" sounds like “Thee-Guy”… (Smart, ek like!)

Jam said...

I left Champs quite early... was in bed at 2 like a good old lady.
I'm holding. Not too sure about the "up" part.

Peas on Toast said...

D-Guy - sorted. ;)

Jam - *lots of cyber hugs*

boldly benny said...

Yip Peas, that is that very digs. The weekend before study week is MADNESS and the theory behind the Mordor party is that it's too much of a shlep to lug all your stuff back home so you should burn it - beds, cupboards, tables - all make for good bonfire fodder!
Oh and a close second to Rhodes alumni is Martizburg alumni - absolute nutters but like Rhodents, they best people.

Peas on Toast said...

Boldly - C told me about Mordor yonks ago, seems like it lives through the ages!
I am from Maritzburg, and know what those crazy monkeys get up to. I'm glad I did Commercial Road at school though rather than later...;)

kyknoord said...

List of topics my mother and I don't discuss:

1. Sex

Thank God.

Revolving Credit said...

Champs said :"I am like a jack-in-the-box on the stuff."

Based on the fact that she woke up next to Jack/John, it may well have been a bit of 'Jack-in-the box'??


Peas, seeing as R knows you for a while, surely he has seen you misbehave on the Green Stuff before???

Champagne Heathen said...

Hey!! There was no Jack in my box, or John, Bob, or ANYONE actually this w.end, I'll have you know!

(And I am laying full blame on my two virtual pimps' efforts.)

TheOracle said...

Just wondering if St. A's offered an extracurricular course in "How to use cycling to hook a man" because I'm beginning to see a trend here. Hey JD.....:) Hope you're well Peas. Ciao.

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - you're a lucky man. ;)

Rev - yes he's seen me fall over tables with mates, run around messily, oh yes. But this cane thing was more personal this time I think.

Champers - 'John' is still up for grabs you know. :)

Theoracle - hi babe! Did JD use his bike to hook a chick? Noice one bugger. :)

kabintsimbi said...

Hey Peas! The bicycle rides sounds like fun...I want to do the Cape Argus next year but by george I need to first find myself a bike & actually get bloody well on top of it! This is not forgetting that I also want to run the Two Oceans Half marathon...eish...what is going through my bananas head! To look like a fuck-off stuk of meat, that's what! And to be fit of course.

But congrats on getting back on the bike! I guess it's not about the bike though & more about your quality time you spend with the 'what's his name thingie-majig'! Yay & you get to get fit & healthy too...don't you just love being economical with them stones!

Anyway...it all sounds like far too much fun, especially that hideous frock you wore...no man, to have been a fly on the wall would have been great!

Peas on Toast said...

Kabint - you are a machine my dear. I'm really dragging my heels for this 94.7 thing. I'm derading it like I dread death.

And the frock, yeah, it'll come out again one of these days. I love looking like someone puked a Beares Really Cares About You duvet set on myself. :)

ChewTheCud said...

You could do the race in a hippo suit for charity.... no wait - you don't need the suit...

Peas on Toast said...

Chew - Did you just call me a hippo again? You're lucky I don't have PMS and/or I'm on the cane train. Or I'd rip your head off china.
;)

Revolving Credit said...

Ooo.....fight

Carlz said...

i wonder what it is about the cane train that makes ppl go MAD!! tsk tsk - get back on the jager bomb jet friend!

ChewTheCud said...

hahahaha - nothing quite like testing the waters for PMS. It makes the world go round! Lunar calendar right? You should post an ETA on your blog.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - we all love a good fight.

Carlz - now I know what was missing from my weekend! Yaygies! A much happier person on those guys! xx

Chew - calling me a hippo when I'm not on PMS is a bad idea as well my friend.

Revolving Credit said...

I think you 2 should mud wrestle it out.

ChewtheCud said...

I'm game - we can borrow the roxy's equipment. Is this setting up for a "wallowing in the mud" comment rev?

Revolving Credit said...

Someone get hold of Muddle, I'm sure she'd like to indulge in some muddle wrestling!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev and Chew - well since the natural habitat for the mighty hippo extends to living in mud, it's fairly obvious that I'd kick Chew's ass. Then eat him for dinner if he comes near my, um, young. (Or in this case Chad.)

Peas on Toast said...

Muddle - I need you kick some ass in mud for me babe!

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, can you mud wrestle in your Morkels dress??

ChewTheCud said...

Haha! Busted! If you kick my ass then you prove you're a hippo! So I guess you gonna have to take one for the team and lose the title! All hail the new super-duper-heavyweight champion - Chews!

Peas on Toast said...

Chews you're fighting with the wrong bitch, stick insect.

Rev - a hippo in the Morkels dress - I can like it.

Revolving Credit said...

Morkels dress - it's like a mud wrestling super hero outfit.

Probably beats wearing for underwear on the outside.

JD said...

No i just go cycling with a girl from st. A! It might be the other way around