Wednesday, October 18, 2006

keeping it real

I am sort of quite proud of myself. Sort of, because of two reasons.
I think.

I think I have learnt from my mistakes.
1) I am pretty good at pushing people I like away now.
2) Sensibility rules over lustability.

I left early last night. I never used to just leave. Make a decision and go, no matter how comfy I am on the couch with someone. I forced myself away, and put a smile on my face and just did it.
I don’t fully engage when he kisses me, which means although parts of me melt into a sublime, I pretend it’s not really happening. I just think of the things that I started to love about being single.

Because I am so terrified of being hurt again.

What did I learn when I was single, focus on that.
I can be by myself and actually enjoy it.
I can actually crave to be myself.
I can do, leave, achieve what I want. By myself. I don’t have to answer to nobody.
I can love a rat, and he hopefully loves me back. And he won’t purposefully hurt me unless he bites. But that’s short and I’ll get it over it in three minutes, not three months.
It’s cool. I’m cool by myself.
I cannot be hurt by any man.
I can run away from random men in nightclubs after snogging them. They won’t make me cry or break my heart.
I have no expectations of anyone, least of all myself.
No lies or false promises or false advances.

But what I want to know is this: how do men, or anyone for that matter, keep so easily objective and I have to make a conscious decision to?
Why is it when I feel something with someone there’s a big possibility they may not feel the same way? It’s happened before afterall.

I need to keep things real because being heartbroken again is not my intention. It hurts too much and although I know I could probably handle it by now, I am happy. I want my partner to be on the same page as me, at least most of the time. And I find it difficult to gauge men’s pages these days. I thought I knew, but that was a misconception that I now control by always being a realist.

I’m fine, nothing’s happened fundamentally that I have to be writing about this. Guy I’m Sort Of Kind Of Sort Of Kind Of Seeing and I are cool I think. He has only been sincere, absolutely gentlemanly and lovely. But, you know. One can never be too careful.

50 comments:

Jam said...

I live in hope that soon I'll be cool, just by myself.
The point is to be centred, whole and well so that when it comes to negotiating a relationship, you have a internal strength that does not crumble, that allows you to set realistic boundaries.
Being honest with yourself is very tough, but it's the only way to heal. Being objective comes with practice, men are simply taught this from a young age. You can never ever know what another person is truly thinking, so guessing just creates unrealistic worlds.
Phew.

Crusoe said...

"how do men keep so easily objective and I have to make a conscious decision to?"

Because men tend to not carry too much into it. Most decisions are made using very basic criteria and rarely go deeper than 2mm.

ps. being single is a load of bollocks! Sure there's the random snogging, but you should ideally find someone who fits into your life and actually improves who you are.
Why do girls always think they need to completely change for a guy? That's probably what's scary about starting to like someone - you automatically think you are about to undergo some metamorphosis, lose your friends, go to different clubs, have a different life.

Peas on Toast said...

Hiya Jam
Give yourself about three months - I know it sounds like a lifetime - but in the big picture, you can see your pain as finite. In three months you'll find a happiness within yourself you never imagined. I personally guarantee it babe. :)

Yip, I am just keeping stuff real. Honest with myself and keeping those feet firmly planted on the ground. Self-protection I call it.

Peas on Toast said...

Crusoe - I disagree about changing myself. I am one of those girls that even when I am seeing someone I still go out just me and my mates on all night benders to places I want to go. Seriously. I feel having a partner should enhance that. He must give me as much space as I give him. I reckon it's better that way.

True, men can keep it all 2mm. It's crap that women can't be the same. It just leads to heartbreak.

Crusoe said...

Glad you aren't the changing type! It is always scary when you see one person changing too much to suit their partner - the makings of disaster!

You actually sound like you have it pretty much all together when it comes to your new man. You're chilled, taking your time, considering the options. Are you are doubting his motives/intentions?

Anonymous said...

Morning Peas,
Are you thinking too much?
No, not you surely...

Peas on Toast said...

Yip - I always am astounded when two people fishbowl themselves off from the world and only see each other, never their mates. I just couldn't do it.

Yip, we're on the same page as far as not rushing into anything, saving sex for a couple of months down the line and building on something before we boof it away. That bit is cool. I don't think he's out to hurt me. We have come into this from being mates afterall, which makes it different I suppose. But am still scared. You get burnt badly once...you know the rest.

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - lol :) Me? Never!

Kevin Cadman said...

Peas... my dear mirror-image!

Heh, as I've said so many times before, I am you with a 3 month delay.

I know exactly how you feel. At this point, you have 2 different choices you can take:

Be overly cautious so as to not allow anyone in. This way, nobody can hurt you and everything is hunky-dorey

Take the chance. Don't just jump into anything, but analyse the situation and logically deduce if it's worth the risk. You don't want to reach 30 and realise you've missed out on a fantastic relationship simply because of fear.


Hell of a thing I tell you. Check the latest post on my blog - the quotation I use there is so true.

Hope you're well though! I'm doing okay; it's not easy, but I'm doing okay.

Peas on Toast said...

Hey Kev!

Very logical and true my dear.

"Take the chance. Don't just jump into anything, but analyse the situation and logically deduce if it's worth the risk. You don't want to reach 30 and realise you've missed out on a fantastic relationship simply because of fear."

I like that option.

Will check out your blog, hope you're holding up. Check out Jam's site too, I think she can use some heartfelt advice from our dear Kevvie at this point too.
xx

Revolving Credit said...

Using only your heart and not your brain to decide only gets you hurt.
Using only your brain and not your heart makes you a fridged bitch.
The trick is to find your balance when your emotions are tempured by a bit og logic.

"how do men keep so easily objective and I have to make a conscious decision to?"

Well women are often driven by emotion, by the heart while men are often driven by their penis.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - yip, I'm hoping my mistakes heave geared me into finding a healthy balance.

Speaking of penis, we not going to sleep together for at least a couple of months. This came from him and I agreed. Good idea huh?

Revolving Credit said...

So who's he going to be shagging in the interim?

Third World Ant said...

Bravo Kevin! Option 2 is the only way forward. You can try to second-guess the other person, but why? What does it accomplish?

Be true to what you want, Peas. You want Sort Of Kind Of, and there's no crime in acknowledging it. If he doesn't want you back, that's his stupid loss. But playing games with him is not going to make him change the way he feels about you - you might as well be true to yourself and state what you want. You might get it, after all. This current cat-and-mouse game only produces a greater risk that he'll walk away, because you're pushing him away.

Sorry for being harsh babe, but it's really frustrating to see two people who like each other as much as you both do, trying to mind-fuck each other. Not necessary at all.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - ? Who knows. Would be nice if he didn't obviously.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Ant. You can be as harsh as you like, I always apreciate it. Took your advice. Will tell you later.
xx

Third World Ant said...

:) I'm glad you did babe. Whatever happens, I'm convinced it's for the best.

Revolving Credit said...

If the attraction is stronge nough and you both want to shag then do, but 'Who knows. Would be nice if he didn't obviously' is putting pressure on the relationship before it really starts.

You don't want him to shag someone else and if he does it'll break your trust and there goes the relationship.

So what are the options:
a)He doesn't shag anyone for a few months, probably gets a bit grumpy and developes a really muscular right forearm.
b)He shags someone else and hides the fact from you. There goes the trust and this one REALLY hurts when you find out.
c)He shags someone else and tells you. There goes the trust again and it still hurts.
d)You decide that you want to shag him and do. This does expose you as it does take your relationship to the next level.
e)You call it quits now, stay kinda friends for a while and slowly drift apart.

Champagne Heathen said...

Gorgeous post today Peas!

I don't think anyone has the 1st clue what the real answers are. There is no set formula...and if there is, well, you land up with a set formula'd person - cut-from-the-mould.

As you say, keep it real and never forget to enjoy it every once in awhile, with a cheesy grin on your face!

(Yes, Hallmark, I am always open to job offers!)

other-duke said...

it's good to see you're hanging in there. and proud. leaving the couch is never easy

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - no I don't think it's cut and dry as that. He just said we should take things slow. And I agreed. Sex too quickly fucks things up.

O-D - good hey? ;)

Champers - thanks babe. No set formula. One day at a time.

Insane Insomniac said...

Peas,
I just stumbled upon your delightful little blog. I'm from Jozi myself and having relocated to the big LDN, I totally related to your antics. Very much my life when I lived there. What I can tell you, above all else - Have fun! If its not fun, stop doing it. Life's too short to. As for staying single - here here!!
Keep posting, I'll keep reading.

Also got a blog if you're mildly interested in reading it - http://blog.myspace.com/66617477

Revolving Credit said...

Remember that when you play games, there's always someone who wins and someone who loses, so be careful.

Peas on Toast said...

Insane Insomniac - why hello there! Thank you for the compliments. :) Tis so true - I'm having fun right now - it's difficult not to in this city isn't it? And as long as I am happy and so forth, all is good. ;)
Will check out your blog.

Rev - Yeah games can be the pits. I don't think we're playing games - I don't think? We're communicating about all this fluffy stuff which is good. ;)

Brandon said...

Sounds to me like you're not that into him. Disengaging when you kiss etc. are things you do when you're with a space/time filler.

Use it, don't use it.

;-)

Peas on Toast said...

Au contraire Brandon. I am into him. It's my little defense mechanism. I just switch my brain off that's all. ;)

Daedalus said...

Ertjie, “snogging”??? wtf?

There is no simple answer to human relations and I do not think that anyone can truly be objective (at least not in the beginning of any relationship). All people have *intent*, well, it might be different intent but it is this *intent* that is never truly revealed at the beginning of any relationship and then possibly later causes the breakup.

If you have ego-defenses that is pushing you away from this guy, then you might want to wait till they subside. Relationships involve a lot of emotional risk, no matter how you look at it.

Peas on Toast said...

D-Guy - yip, for certain. Emotional risk. Instead of rushing into something, I'm keen to take it slowly. Because emotional risk is hectic for me right now.

But it's cool - I'm cool, he's cool - I'm not freaking out or anything. I'm being sensible about all of this which I'm pretty proud of. :)

Ertjie
xx

SimonSays said...

Peas,

You need to be cognisent of the difference between men and gentleman (in the victorian sense of the word), and find yourself one of the latter - in the mean time if any one needs physically assaulting, I am your (gentle)man

Peas on Toast said...

Ah Simon - brilliant!

He's being a gentleman so far as I can tell. He really is being too lovely. But if I have any probelms, I know who to call. ;)

xx

kyknoord said...

Terror: the great motivator. In the ongoing battle between carrot and stick, stick wins most of the time.
BTW, according to my divorce recovery course, the best way to determine whether you're ready for a new relationship is if you don't "need" to be in a relationship.

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - Brillaint my dear. Perhaps I should join you at your workshop, christ, I'd fit in wouldn't I? ;)

That's why I figured I was ready for this little plunge. I was quite happy on my own and didn't need to be in one. Then he came along. But I digress: I'm not in a relationship as yet!

tyler said...

Peas,
Believe me my darling - the exact same thoughts are going on in my head. It's quite weird to read this from your perspective and feel exactly the same way. Fear not! You're not alone - in fact (as much as you'll try deny it) you're pretty normal like that. :)
P.S. I'm coming back to SA at the end of November. Mothers lock up your daughters.

Peas on Toast said...

Tyler my boy!
Hey! You're back, wonderful news.

Benn visting your blog, but I see you haven't updated since you mentioned you were having lady problems. I'm so sorry to hear that - are you guys still together?

Anyway, very cool you're coming back to SA - best we have a couple toots together, and mother's lock up yor daughters! :)
xx

tyler said...

Unfortunately I had to cut her loose after her extra-mural relationship activities. For the best though.
Bwhahaha - toots! My dad calls his drinks toots :)
Yep - agreed. I know you and cane don't mix very well - but I'm going to be consuming face-numbing quantities of that green drink made by the guy who also does tractors. Toot, toot! Is that the cane train?

Linx said...

I've been grappling with this little conundrum myself for quite some time, and finally figured the only way around it is to stop being all that afraid of having my heart broken. I decided that in the bigger scheme of things, whether I call or not, whether I come over to strong or not strong enough, might well not have that much bearing on where things are supposed to be headed/will end up. Perhaps the entirety of the process of connection with this other person is bigger than just my one side of it. It is kind of scary to just resign myself to the natural course of things, but at the same time it is liberating to feel I am not all that responsible …

Peas on Toast said...

Ah Tyler - bloody hell that sucks my friend! OK, it's a deal - John Deeres till the cows come home. AS long as Sort Of Guy isn't around to get my admin, you should be ok. Booking a ticket onto the cane train. ;)

Linx - You're too right. I suppose, as Ant pointed out as well, that the other party may just be feeling the same way, or have the same insecurities too. This, as you say, means we're not 100% responsibile for everything which is gratifying. My motto this time round is as such: take each day as it comes. Nothing more or nothing less.
It helps.

zuzula said...

i think i'm the same. i'm so defensive these days that maybe i screw up opportunities by refusing to believe that they might actually be for real :(

Peas on Toast said...

Zu - I'm trying to work out whether being screwed over before has been good for me or not...hmmm. A bit of both I guess.

Nic said...

You know this is a very tricky topic to cover cause its hard to be objective and for people to take opinions seriously sometimes. I say this because I am commenting as a man in love. My GF left me 7 months ago to go to London. We broke up. Couldnt do it 4 long, got back together, i visited her recently. She's coming back. Happy story i guess.

But what i have to say is that all things you've mentioned peas, are true, Its easy to be yourself when your alone, but i find that boring. I like the challenge of being myself with someone who challenges and loves me. I like to know that I have a girlfriend, who is my best friend, whom i trust and allows me to be myself. Ive had my heartbroken, it sucked. I cried. But i know how good love is cause i have lost it.

Stick with it, you'll find what your looking for I think.

ChewTheCud said...

haha - you only get to live this life one time!

Peas on Toast said...

Hi Nic! So awesome to hera happy endings, or happy beginnings either way you look at it, and awesome she came back mate.
Nobody wants to be completely alone. Forever anyway. It is nice to have someone who can challenge you, offer you friendship as well as sex, and support. But it's rare to find. Perhaps I'll find it one day or am in the process of finding it. I'm ok to be patient though, because being alone isn't all bad in the meantime. ;)

Chew - And since I'm a hippo, best I live it huh :)

ChewTheCud said...

hippo's dont get any more chances than the rest of us - but when confronted by an adult hippo, best you call it "Ma'am"

The Tart said...

I was gonna say I am sorry you are in the midst of this drama ... but ya know, sometimes the risk is worth what you get in the end, or ... at least when the right guy comes along we really appreciate him.

I dunno ... anywhoo, thanks for sharing ... I am in the midst of possible heartbreak myself. So I really appreciated everyone's comnts. Also nice to know that I'm not the only Tart afraid of getting hurt, again. ; )

Smooch,
The Tart
; *

Peas on Toast said...

The Tart - you in the middle of heartbreak my lovely? Shitters, not cool babe. I hope everything sorts itself out.

No risk no gain, right?

I just hope we know what we doing Tart.
xx

C said...

Dude, this is the argument I have been having with myself forever!!! You are totally right, commitment phobia is a waste of time and you never really get to experience a person or love if you dont bloody well just give it a go!!!!

Aargh, could've sworn I was giving myself a peptalk there and not you!Can this be the longets tuesday ever?????

Peas on Toast said...

C - I know babe, I think I have turned into you dollface. ;)

When I was writing it I thought "shitters, I could be writing about C right now."

But hey, all is ok, I suppose I just have to keep a level-head about everything and just see where things go.

Can this Tuesday Puh-Lease end, I'm over talking small talk with my editor....

pete said...

Peas, read this.

Stop analysing and wondering. Take a chance. Of course it might go wrong, but why ignore the fact that it might be awesome.

Seriously, you like the boy, do something about it! Fart-assing about what might happen never got anyone anywhere.

Apart from his fuck-buddy line, and from what you blog that was an exception, he sounds quality. Just do it.

Anonymous said...

Peas i feel you...i'm done with being hurt...sure i can probably handle it but i just don't wanna do it again...

Peas on Toast said...

Pete - thanks my dear. Yip, just taking it as it comes. He is a quality oke I think, well I suppose he has to me if he's my mate as well - and I suppose no risk no gain right?

Anon - it sucks. And the thougt of being devastated again is just exhausting to think about. But I have experience and emotional mechanisms in place to do this sensibly and slowly this time. :)