I am sort of quite proud of myself. Sort of, because of two reasons.
I think I have learnt from my mistakes.
1) I am pretty good at pushing people I like away now.
2) Sensibility rules over lustability.
I left early last night. I never used to just leave. Make a decision and go, no matter how comfy I am on the couch with someone. I forced myself away, and put a smile on my face and just did it.
I don’t fully engage when he kisses me, which means although parts of me melt into a sublime, I pretend it’s not really happening. I just think of the things that I started to love about being single.
Because I am so terrified of being hurt again.
What did I learn when I was single, focus on that.
I can be by myself and actually enjoy it.
I can actually crave to be myself.
I can do, leave, achieve what I want. By myself. I don’t have to answer to nobody.
I can love a rat, and he hopefully loves me back. And he won’t purposefully hurt me unless he bites. But that’s short and I’ll get it over it in three minutes, not three months.
It’s cool. I’m cool by myself.
I cannot be hurt by any man.
I can run away from random men in nightclubs after snogging them. They won’t make me cry or break my heart.
I have no expectations of anyone, least of all myself.
No lies or false promises or false advances.
But what I want to know is this: how do men, or anyone for that matter, keep so easily objective and I have to make a conscious decision to?
Why is it when I feel something with someone there’s a big possibility they may not feel the same way? It’s happened before afterall.
I need to keep things real because being heartbroken again is not my intention. It hurts too much and although I know I could probably handle it by now, I am happy. I want my partner to be on the same page as me, at least most of the time. And I find it difficult to gauge men’s pages these days. I thought I knew, but that was a misconception that I now control by always being a realist.
I’m fine, nothing’s happened fundamentally that I have to be writing about this. Guy I’m Sort Of Kind Of Sort Of Kind Of Seeing and I are cool I think. He has only been sincere, absolutely gentlemanly and lovely. But, you know. One can never be too careful.