Thursday, October 26, 2006

loco family members, power outage

So my aunt is out from Canada. This is my mother’s older sister. The crazy sister. The one who smoked too much pot at school, married an oke who picked her up on the Trans Canadian while hitch hiking across the country, then divorced him and remained living in Quebec indefinitely, parties like Jim Morrison, has a shiroot with me behind the house, follows the Rolling Stones around on tour, and farts in public.
Correct.

She has no problem breaking wind in the aisles of K-Mart. Or in this case, Boardman’s, while checking out tea trays with my mother. It’s both hilarious and excruciatingly embarrassing at the same time.
She’s great to have around at a social gathering, less the shooting of bunnies in the medium of compulsive baffing. One just has to ensure the hi-fi is pumping at full volume. Family gatherings with her around are never dull, let’s put it this way.

Anyway, she’s staying with mum, and I’m taking her out over the weekend for a thrash.

Aunty: So I hear you’re seeing a new guy.
Peas: Not really. Sort of.
Aunty: Your mother’s busy preparing the garden for the little pitter patter of feet. Place for a swing set.
Peas: This conversation is officially over.
Aunty: Just kidding.
Peas: How was the flight over?
Aunty: The lady next to me stuffed up my video settings. I was forced to watch XXX with that dreadful Vin Diesel.
Peas: That is unfortunate. Wanna go clubbing with me this weekend?
Aunty: Definitely. I’ll have cabin fever before then.
Peas: Just please, you know, don’t fart. At least not in front of my mates.
Aunty: Farting is natural Peas! C’mon. Nobody cares.
Peas: Just cut down on the cabbage or beans or whatever it is you eat before the weekend.

Speaking of eccentric family members: my father flies into town on Friday.
The world also stops turning on Friday. His arrival always takes a fair bit of mental preparation.

He’s doing some press review as a mystery guest for an exclusive hotel in Sandton. They offered him a business class flight up here, but no, Dad had other ideas. But of course.
Instead he’s choosing to fly his own vomit comet up from Cape Town. Naturally. He has to land in like three places across the country to refuel on the way. And, of course, I have to pick him up at an airstrip on the border of Mpumalanga. I insisted he get a rental car this time, and he actually obliged. Thing is, rentals don’t come cheap at Fuckfontein Airstrip. So I’ll be there flagging him down to take him to a rental place in Sandton.

As you well might’ve imagined, when my folks were still married, my aunt and father got on like a house on fire. Birds of a feather fl…you know the rest.

Went for dinner at C’s house with a couple of other awesome girls I know. Was awesome, chilled.
But. Came home to a complete blitzkrieg: there was no electricity in Illovo last night. To think I bitched about my stupid plug socket last week. Not a light, just pure solid blackness. I parked in the [creepy] underground dungeon basement and flailed around in pure, thick darkness trying to find the front door while trying not to think about slasher movies, and bumped straight into Lucas the security guard.
Well.

I had an absolute apoplexy. I screamed like a shrieking banshee pornstar fishwife and nearly punched his adorable old face out of pure, unadulterated fear. Then I needed I slash, and peeing in the dark is always terrifying. You never know whether something will come up through the bowels of the toilet mechanism and bite you on your ass. Or grab your poen. Or, you know, slash your bum off. Luckily, luckily, the lights came on before I completely freaked out.

Jeeziz.

104 comments:

Billy said...

Morning Peas.

Try being a guy and taking a slash with no lights!

How old is your aunt that she still clubs? Brilliant!

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - fair enough. You never know what might come out of the toilet bowl and grab your wiener. Scary! My aunt is a cool 54 years old. She shouldn't be clubbing at all really, but hey. She's a gas...quite literally.

Somali said...

Hi Peas,

I also don’t like going to the loo when the lights are out, for the same reasons.

But if you think about it, you don’t sit and look into the bowl while sitting on the loo. So why should it be different when the lights are out?

Your aunt almost sounds like my mom. (not the farting thing)

Enjoy!!

kyknoord said...

It's actually safer to use the toilet in the dark because all the ass-biting, poen-grabbing, bum-slashing denizens of the deep have a tendency to head for the light. When the electricity's out, they don't bother.

Pete said...

Crazy, crazy folk:)

I think everyone has a few mad family members, mine are all certifiable, though I love every one of them to bits. I just really worry that despite my best intentions, I'm exactly like them and don't realise it.

And seriously, the farting thing? Who doesn't wish they could just do that?

Pete said...

Also, no thanks to you guys, I will forever shit myself whenever I do a wee in the dark.

ChewTheCud said...

its easier doing it in the dark when you're a guy - we pee using sonar. just go randomly till you hear sploshing. ;) (lol - i would get into so much shit if i did that - rather the garden is like one big green urinal)

Peas on Toast said...

Somali - I like the way you and Kyk think. I suppose I just reckon that the Boogeyman has left the location of under my bed and migrated to the toilet in the dark...

Kyk - I always thought bad things like monsters, Freddy Kreuger, The Hulk, Dracula, etc preferred to make their move in the dark. But I like the way you think, it may ease my mind...and my ass.

Pete - I'm with you mate. I'm scraed I'm turning into a mixture of my dad and aunt. This spells serious trouble.

Peas on Toast said...

Pete - touche. ;)

Chew - At least your winer is half a meter from the offending bowl. Our poens are like a ruler away. Making for closer grabbing thereof...

ChewTheCud said...

hahaha - the most relaxing thing a guy can do - camping, its morning, go find somewhere with a nice view, pee - no need to fight morning wood, don't have to use hands even - it's great being a guy sometimes!

Pete said...

CTC - Morning wood and no hands? You could put someone's eye out with that:)

Peas on Toast said...

Chew - bless. Next time I'm camping and I see an oke with a large erect dong heading for the bushes, I'll know who you are! ;)

ChewTheCud said...

bushes? the whole point is the freedom and the view - pick a prime spot out in the open. stretch, let go, relax. aaaah!

Anon said...

Hee hee Peas,

Your Aunt reminds me of a friend of mine - the most delicate and refined petal of a catholic girl I know. Pretty and feminine and everything, but she farts in public. She just apologises first. She goes, "Excuse me, I need to fart now" in the sweetest voice, lifts a cheeck, and faarrrrrrt, and then, "beg your pardon". Nobody could possibly take offence.

Literally! Gorgous outfit, done hair and make-up, Nine West heels, in the middle of Sandton City adn there she goes! "Scuse me."...

It's classic.

Crusoe said...

Have you ever used a long-drop toilet in the middle of fuck-nowhere in the dark? Now that causes some sick and twisted mental anguish! Sitting with your ass hanging over a chasm of nothingness and all you can see are scary fucking tree roots sticking out into the black. You know there is something down there and the only reason you don't light a match is because you would actually rather not see the monster rushing up towards your tender bottom!

Antoine said...

The only time you have to fear anything is when you hear "the Music"

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - oh bless! Does remind me of my aunt somewhat - a 'sweet' little Catholic girl. ;) Am digging it.

Crusoe - LOL. Don't get me started on long drops. Hecccctic. Terrified there's a snake hanging onto the bottom of the seat waiting to sink its fangs into my flesh. The solution? Hover. Always hover.

Peas on Toast said...

Antoine - 'the music' or slasher sounds. Alwasy very prominent in the background.

Revolving Credit said...

At least the monsters are imaginary.
Now when going hiking on some bush trail, you may need to take a dump at night. So what you do is get a fair distance from the camp site, somewhere off the trail so someone doesn't stand in it the following day. Dig a small hole and squat.
Now while you're in the vulnerable position you may start to hear the sound of the bush and there are real wild animals out there, but it's ok to kak yourself seeing as you're squatting in any case.
The worst thing to do is to use you torch to look around. Chances are that some animal's eyes are reflected back are you. Now it doesn't matter whether it a rabbit or klipspringer, in your mind some leopard is out there stalking your naked ass. You should try running back to camp with your pants around your ankles....classic.

Peter Barlow said...

Peas, it sounds like you never have a dull moment with Aunty in town...let alone your dad doing a bit of DIY flying hehehe. I concur with eveyone else...peeing in the dark is a nasty, scary experience....especially when there SHOULD be lights, in the bush I can understand though!

Anonymous said...

Your father and your aunt got/get on well?

Birds of a feather fart together...

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - lol, I presume that was you dear? A leopard stalking the Rev. Question is - did the leoprad stand in it?

Peter - don't you know it! ;)

Koeks - strange thing is, my dad doesn't fart in public. In fact, I don't think I've ever heard him fart. But on all other levels, they were like best mates. In their own little bubble of craziness together.

Crusoe said...

That's why long-drops are always so disgusting - people actually miss on purpose!

Suavé said...

ROFLMAO!!!! OMFG Peas, that has to be one of the funniest posts ever! That shit bout being in the dark and the toilet and shit. I swear I was wiping the tears straight from my eyes. Phuck me, you're a riot!

And I have an aunty like yours too. She's proper rock 'n roll dude. I mean I busted her smoking blunts and she said she'd rather share with me than me go and tell on her. So everytime I see her, we're properly blasted. Good times I tell ya!

Peas on Toast said...

Lol, thansk Suavie! This otilet thing is a ree-yal-i-tee china, a ree-yal-i-tee! :)

God we should get our aunt's together. Mine smokes pot all the time. She's got good shit too. ;)

Insane Insomniac said...

Peas, you must be in Jozi to be terrified of a blackout. pure paranoia. Can't believe the electricity is out again!!
Your aunt sounds just like my mom, just without the whole farting in public-smoking weed thing.

Waiting to hear all about the clubbing weekend!!
BTW, what clubs do you visit in Jozi? (call it morbid curiosity)

Shortypam said...

screaming banshee, pornstar fishwife... mmmmm sounds familiar. oh yes that me!!! lol!!!

now peas why do suppose a serial killer will be hiding in a chics toilet? this makes 4 a perfect serial killer/horror script.

Jam said...

And then there's always the camp monster in the dark under the bed in the closet.

Kate said...

I'm a genuine pain in the ass when the lights go out. I've never really gotten over my childhood fear of the dark. Consequently, my poor hen-pecked man has to walk me to the loo if its dark and I wanna go. Standing there with the door slightly open, obliging when I yell "hum or something - i have stage fright!" I'm even worse if we've just watched a scary movie (obviously no electricity outage here) - then I send him down the hall first to scare away the bad guys. Its a bloody miracle we've been together so long!

ChewTheCud said...

monsters - must be cos its so close to halloween now.

Daedalus said...

Ertjie,
...are you going to upgrade the peas-blog to make space for the “pitter patter of little feet” ?

Maybe a "Flash File" … for sound and a "baby pics" slide show to boot – Methinx it will kick ass ... just look at the top blogs – all about "mothers and babies" Hahahha..!!

Peas on Toast said...

Insane insomniac - I usually frequent revolting places where booze flows freely and my ass groping can be substantiated. The Colony Arms, the Jolly Roger, the Mandog, on accasion places like Fuel Cafe and Loaded, and Norwood.

Shorty - a serial killer would be waiting in my toilet because he wants to slash my bum off. I think he'd be entertained by my irrational fears. ;)

Jam - that boogeyman is a flaming queen. ;)

Kate - lol! I had similar experiences with Ex S dollface. ;)

Chew - ..Hallowe'en, the perfect time for them to come out of the closet. And, like, wear pink.

D-Guy - Ertjie is freaking out here! Blood pressure just soared to a record level and I need to go outside for a breaver.

Daedalus said...

Ertjie-pops,
SheeeZZzzzz...!
...best I stop mocking LOL! ;)

Peas on Toast said...

D-guy - Ertjie is back and is more composed.

Daedalus said...

W00hoo!!!!
“Composed” suites you better … you are way sexier that way! :)

Peas on Toast said...

Sexy bitch *blushes* :)

Shortypam said...

mmmmmm... do you always freak out like this when there is a power outage?

Daedalus said...

Ertjie-poo,
Daedalus attempts a lame online charm:
[start 50%-geek charm]
"No need to *blush* pops" ;-)
[/end 50%-geek charm]
Hahah…

Anonymous said...

Hi Peas.

U need to write a book chick!

Your article yest got me thinking, I am in the same sort of thing with a guy.

But, I have recently told him that we need to take it slow - bad move / good move?

Peas on Toast said...

Shorty - pretty much. Only when I'm on my own though, and I don't have another body to cling onto. The Ant wasn't home, so it was just moi.

D-Guy - ok now I'm just horny. ;)

Anon - hey babe. Do you dig this oke? And does he dig you back? If that's the case and things are moving steadily forward it's cool. But I really believe that taking things slow usually results in better things anyway. It just makes things better I think. We mutually agreed to take things slowly from the start. But I'm no expert, trust me. Trust your gut feel beyond anything my dear. And good luck! ;)

Champagne Heathen said...

I was on the treadmill at the time the whole of this area's bluddy lights went out. Thank god I was still in strolling mode.

Revolving Credit said...

Champs - were you practicing your hamster moves of the treadmill?

Peas - I think Champs is trying to come on to Chad by showing him her hamster wheel moves

LOL

Champagne Heathen said...

Rev, times may be a little 'dry' at the moment, but one does not try to shag other friends' kids!

Peas on Toast said...

Champers I've heard of epople going over the handlebars of those things. Must be pretty funny to watch...;)

Rev - Chad is a one woman guy. His little roving eye, I'm afraid, only feast on me. :)

(Not that he has a choice or anything)

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - lol. Or furry boyfriends in this case. :) Chad seems to serve a dual purpose.

Revolving Credit said...

Not too sure Peas. If you go out of town for the weekend and Champs pops in wearing a sexy bag of seeds, who know??

Does that qualify and something seedy???

Daedalus said...

Ertjie, Ak! … now I am blushing.

Champagne Heathen said...

"Oooo baby, would you like to nibble at my peanuts!!

Or take a bite of my cashews!"

[All in all, I am quite disturbed by this whole thing. Especially as Peas is now Mommy Peas AND "I'm your Mamma" Peas to Chad!]

Revolving Credit said...

Peas - furry boyfriends??

So when you say you're going home to stroke the fur, you mean you're going to play with Chad??

Peas on Toast said...

Oh my Christmas.
This is so porn. My poor widdle innocent wat!

Cover your eyes Chad.

Revolving Credit said...

Whats wrongs Peas? Rat got your tongue?

Peas on Toast said...

Something like that. ;)

Anonymous said...

Peas, what aircraft does your Dad have?

Champagne Heathen said...

I think I am going to cover my eyes until you go back to such clean & polite topics as....farting and longdrops...

Revolving Credit said...

Why you covering your eyes? R U imagining what it would be like to have Chad nibble your macadamia?

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - a cessna I believe. :)

Champs - good clean toilet humour eh? ;)

Rev - he would do no such thing! :)

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, I think you need to do that thing where you pretend to be Chad, like when you do that Mommy and Chad dialogue.

I say this because I think we may need some of Chad comments on being home alone and getting all seedy.

Anonymous said...

Cool, nice aircraft. If your Dad's more into form over function, tell him to get one of these:

http://www.ez.org/images/front_logo-xs.jpg

Daedalus said...

Now… the rat is involved, and, it is getting all seedy. :o
SheeZzzzz!

Champagne Heathen said...

Peas, why would he do no such thing?? What's wrong with my macadamia??

ChewTheCud said...

careful - a macadamia is a notoriously tough nut to crack...

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I'll work on some seedy dialogue from the Chadmeister.

Anon - will forward him the link, thanks.

Daedalus - yeah...my poor baby!

Champers - I'm sure there's nothing wrong with your macadamia. But Chad doesn't eat macadamias, see.

Champagne Heathen said...

OH! He's THAT kind of rat then. Nothing wrong with that kind of rat. Some of my best friends are rats that don't eat macadamias. But it helps to know.

ChewTheCud said...

"black rat macadamia-nut butter" mmmmmm.

Jam said...

the rat sat on the ....
oh nevermind.

Champagne Heathen said...

Oh Jam, I am very much minding. I am now fascinated to know what Chad has been sitting on, considering this topic of Chad's recent exploits! (or is that desired exploits?)

Daedalus said...

Jamjam....,

...the rat sat on the ....?

other-duke said...

farting in public. she sounds delightful :)

sounds like she'll drink you under the table...

ChewTheCud said...

YOU'RE ALL NUTS!

Jam said...

starting with you, chew.

Peas on Toast said...

Chaps, chaps, chaps - Chad sits on a pile of his own shit throughout the day till Mummy, or me, cleans it up at the end of each day. His not-so-glamourous lifestyle is outed! Poor bugger. ;)

O-D - My aunt could well drink me under the table big guy. Me and everyone else in the bar. :)

ChewtheCud said...

you wanna try my nuts jam?

ChewTheCud said...

peanut butter and jam sandwiches -lol! who's up for one?

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, you make Chad sit in a pile of shit whole day??
Can't you get him little rat diapers or something

Chew - you are so teetering on th edge there.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - it's purely his choice big guy. He stays in the same place all day (his bed) until night time when he makes a raquet on his ball-whell thingie.
Ah, the life of a rat...;)

ChewTheCud said...

rev - "if you're not living on the edge - you're taking up too much space!" lol

only realised afterwards it shoulda been "peas-nut butter"

Revolving Credit said...

You gotta potty train that guy.
Peeing in your bed is one thing, but shitting in it is just not cool.

Jam said...

*cough*

Daedalus said...

Jam-jam
Was that a *choke*?
[Re: ChewtheCud-Nut]
Hahaha!

Revolving Credit said...

Sounds like Jam may be allergic to nuts.

Daedalus said...

Rev, ... or Chud'ny

Jam said...

Currently mildly allergic to nuts yes.
Hence the cough.

ChewTheCud said...

not allergic to peas though? how bout champagne? you can have both right?

Revolving Credit said...

You know of course that cashews are not nuts, they're actually legumes.

*arb comments*

Daedalus said...

Bwhahahahaha Jam!! ... *mildy*

Revolving Credit said...

Jam, while you're mildly allergic to nuts, does that prevent you from getting a bit of legume over??

Daedalus said...

Okay Daedalus, time to stop commenting... the typo’s are starting to set in...

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the advice Peas. I will follow my gut and more importantly do what makes me happy.

How often does Guy you srt of seeing call / sms you?

Jam said...

Rev - it most certainly does....

Jam said...

though it doesn't stop me from indulging in some champs.

Revolving Credit said...

Jam - indulging in some champs??

Is that girl-on-girl or girl-on-bubbles??

Champagne Heathen said...

What?!?!?!? You're indulging in who...I mean, what now?!?!?

Why Jam, I am flattered! *Bat of eyelids*

Jam said...

*wink*

Jam said...

Maybe we should just put this whole thing on ice.

ChewTheCud said...

northgate has an ice-rink

Revolving Credit said...

Mmmm....champagne on ice
Jam, sounds like you're getting fairly romantic there.

Champagne Heathen said...

Oh man, I could happily lie on an ice rink in this heat right now.

Jam, see at Northgate in 5?

Jam said...

cool. just putting on my tutu.

Revolving Credit said...

So all someone has to do to get you on your back is to offer you a cool place.

Thus far today:
a) Ice Rink
b) Kitchen Floor
c) ....??

Champagne Heathen said...

A room in the Ice Hotel in Sweden I think...then you get me into bed as well.

So so easy. But say it with me Rev..."Easy. Not Cheap".

[And apparently you need to also be willing to wear a tutu! ;) ]

Revolving Credit said...

@ The Ice Hotel

Wear a tutu, dont' you mean 'Thermal Underwear'

Need to be careful not to melt the bed though.

(ps. Peas - another 100 comments)

Jam said...

101 damnations.

ChewTheCud said...

champers on ice..... is it just me or is that very cool and very hot at the same time?

Peas on Toast said...

Yowza!

I go out for one afternoon and come back to champers on ice, jam on the floor, nut allergies and 103 comments! Nice one chaps!

Anon (amongst all the sexual innuendo talk): we sms/ speak to each other perhaps once a day, sometimes more sometimes less.