Wednesday, October 25, 2006

the practical guide to self-preservation

I really am becoming overly impressed with myself as days go by. I really, really believe I have my shit together when it comes to the finer points in dating. In fact, I am only falling more in love with myself at this point than anybody else. How kiff is that? Narcissism must be a by-product of self-control.

I feel I now have a healthy cynicism about opening oneself up to someone else.
This isn’t something you can buy at the OK Bazaars.
Experience enough fuck-ups, and I suppose one eventually learns.
Having fun and dating someone with [hopefully] minimal heartache is actually easy.
1) Never let your guard down.
2) Never change your mindset. I am still single, yet dating one person. He has no allegiance to me, and I have none to him. Unless this changes into something steadfast over time, I am completely my own person.
3) Don’t sleep with them. Unless you just want sex of course.
4) Avoid all ‘deep talk.’ Emotionally draining. Unless it’s because something is changing and the conversation is necessary.
5) Always take things with a pinch of salt. And take your blinkers off.
6) Have fun. When you stop having fun, change your situation.
7) Have a role model. Mine is Christina in Grey’s Anatomy. She’s super chilled, is always herself and never thinks beyond today. She’s blatantly casual about relationships, and has utmost control. A sensible little wall around her soul. This is both self-preserving and practical.
8) Never take your feet off the ground or get swept away. Exercise caution.
9) Live for the moment. I’ve learnt not to look at next week, or even tomorrow. I only look at today and whether I am happy with someone today.
10) Realise that you are in a situation where there is hurt potential. Prepare to be hurt, because it may, or very likely, happen. However, by keeping a close check on the situation, ultimately the hurt won’t be as bad as the last time.

In a nutshell: think like a guy. It takes adapting to, but once you have mastered it, you feel, like, super.

All seems well.
He’s started using words I use. Like doondies, bless and poen. ‘Pants’ is just a matter of time. He went to a wedding the other day, and on seeing the bridesmaids stuffing their faces with Nik Naks, went to tell them why they shouldn’t be doing that. “Before you take another handful: best you don’t be eating those…” Bless I guess.

On another note, my rat is an opportunist. I could kill that Chad. Well not really, he’s a real little poppet, but you know. I fill up his bowl to the top, apply fresh water. I even threw in a fresh carrot. During the course of the weekend, while I was in another province, his packet of food must’ve fallen onto the side of the cage. He obviously attached himself with all fours onto the bars and ate through right into the bag.

He ate three times more seed than his [puny] bodyweight. The bag included. He is currently digesting a fair amount of plastic.

Got back and noticed he was more than slightly rotund. Or rather he had doubled in size, and was looking like a right little porker. A grotesquely fat rodent.

The little pie-eater had munched away at like half a kg of seed. He seems to be ok, even though he is finding it hard to drag his godawfully large stomach across the cage. I’ve put him on fast-cum-starvation diet until tonight.
I can just see it: [Cool and calculating] “I’ll get that bitch for neglecting me. I’m Chad the Mighty Vermin! [munch munch munch]. She abandoned me for an entire weekend for another bloke! I’m…going…to…eat…all…the…seed…from…this bag. That’ll teach her.”

Or maybe I’m imagining things again and he just saw food, made an executed decision based on pure intuition encouraged by the vision of delicious seedy sustenance, and ate himself retarded.
No analysing, just doing.
If I had any doubt about Chad’s gender, the writing is definitely on the wall now.


Koekie said...

Good call on a role model. Shoot anyone who models themselves on Meredith. Boo hoo. Whinge whinge. Whiney whiney. Seriously, can her whispy little voice be any more annoying?

Have fun dating-but-not-dating! But be warned... I was 'just kissing' my boyfriend four years ago. Came as a surprise to me too ;-)

nicole said...

i love reading your blog, it reminds me of my sister in england, she also says bless all the time...thanks=)

Peas on Toast said...

Kokekie - How irritating is that Meredith? She needs a role model. ;)

The cool thing with this just dating thing is that if things change into something stronger, at least we've taken stuff very slowly. Sensible hey?

Peas on Toast said...

Nicole - Ah ble..ok, so I won't say it, but awesome. Thanks Nicole! :)

ChewTheCud said...

hahaha - lots of humour this morning. top form. "3) Don’t sleep with them. Unless you just want sex of course." -> "In a nutshell: think like a guy." yup - thats what all the guys are thinking. btw. what the hell is a fast-cum-starvation diet? you get the rat a mate or something?

Peas on Toast said...

Chew - yeah...except that guys think about sex all the time, eh? ;)

Chad is on a fast. No food until he has digested the exorbitant amount of seed and plastic bag...

ChewTheCud said...

ok - thought it involved lots of sex and no eating - inuendo - go figure. rats will eat anything - have you thought that maybe chad was trying to gift wrap his poo's for you? they'd come out pre-packaged in plastic?

Peter Barlow said...

I was going to say that you should be careful about building walls around your soul which are too thick to break down...cos then you might be missing out on something with somone very special...sometime..but that just sounds like a bit of a cliche.

Control is good...but you should also know when to surrender that control a bit to someone who you have developed something good with...and are sure that its something good and not just a flash in the pan!

damn...too deep for this early in the morning sorry Peas! :-P

Peas on Toast said...

Chew - pre-packaged shit. Interesting concept there guy! ;)

Peter - the control thing is working wonders for me. As soon as I feel it's safe to let the wall down, after months or even years, or maybe weeks, I'll consider it. But for now, I'm cool. :)

ChewtheCud said...

cos thats what the chad is all about - sing it with me now "un-condition-al love.... la-la-ree..."

Revolving Credit said...

Good morning all

Peas, I now consider your current relationship situation a sociological exercise. You are attempting to think and act like a guy. Lets see how far you are able to take this.
"Don’t sleep with them. Unless you just want sex of course."
Now guys generally always want sex 24/7 whether they admit it or not - how are you fairing there?
The trick with the male mindset is that we are able to detach any emotional implications and expectations from the physical act of having sex. This is not to say that we will, but more that we are able to.
As an experiment, this may be quite interesting - I wonder if the gender reversal works both ways? Do you think Uncertain may take on a more feminine outlook over time? become more clingy, demand more time, want more deep and meaningful conversations...may be an interesting development.

But more to the point, when will you start peeing while standing up?

Pflaume said...

guten morgen erbse!

chad rocks! if i'd be stuck in a cage all weekend and a bag of seeds would be close enough for munching i'd still be enjoying my weekend...crunch crunch..crunch..

Kate said...

two minor and probably inconsequential points:
1. Isnt it rats who will eat to bursting point, if you let them? I'm sure I read that somewhere...
2. Walls are good, and if the right guy comes along, he'll be strong, patient and committed enough to wait for them to crumble! (I speak from experience)

kyknoord said...

Oh come on, where your sense of romance? If you don't put yourself in a position where someone can rip your heart out through your guts, does it even classify as a relationship? You're turning into one cynical legume, you are.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I can't detach myself easily after having sex, so best I just don't right? ;)

Now peeing while standing up - that's a challenge. I'll practice and let you know how I do. I don't have penis envy, but I do have standing-up-while-peeing envy.

Pflaumie - gud morgen mein kleinen ente. Wie ghets? Ich hear zat du bist getting uber plastered mit handcuffen and yaygies attached to dein arm! Geil! :)

Erbse auf Tost

Kate - I'm tell yo the Chadster was fir to bust yesterday. Naughty shit. At least with him I don't need to bother about walls eh? ;)

Kykie - But I'm not in a relatioship my little Kykiepoo. I believe I have indeed become a cynical old legume, but it works fine for me. :) Walls for now, romance later when I believe it's safe. ;)

Antoine said...

I am peeved. My lil Ghana dot is not showing.

On a better note, once I find the bleeding thing, I will post "Hop's Guide to life".

Have not needed it for years. ;)

Insane Insomniac said...

Hiya Peas,
Still holding the singleton torch up high, heh?
I totally agree with you. I've been practicing the guy mentality for a few years now and for some reason have gathered a group of gay friends in the process. I guess this is bound to happen.

Revoleing Credit - Women can switch themselves off just like guys. Only, it means we need that little extra to achieve the big O, which is never a guarentee.

Peas on Toast said...

Antoine - dammit, would've loced a ghana dot! Just like an NZ dot which fails to show. :(

Insane Insomniac - yip, I suppose I'm quasi-single. Less single than I was a few weeks ago, but less attached than my mates who are in heavy relationships. ;)
Agreed: we can totally switch off, it just takes more practice.

Revolving Credit said...

Peas & Sleepless - everyone is able to turn off. A quick shag is easy. The question is how do you turn off the emotional attachment when you are in a pseudo-relationship like Peas currently is? This is not just a fuck-buddy on the side where you're popping in for a quick lashing after supper and home in time for the Dr Phil. There already exists some emotional attachment which is being guardedly managed lest the flood gates open and the torrent is unleashed.
Now in this particular circumstance, are you able to have a gratuitous shag?
Are you able to return to your previous posture after having indulged in a bit of nookie?

Fully detached - easy;
Partially attached - maybe not so easy.
Try it and tell me whether you able to maintain the stand-off distance with the relationship.
Are you able to do this without any guilt?

(This experiment thingy is becoming quite interesting)

ChewTheCud said...

i think spoon's blog's last post has comments pertinent to the friend/more-than-friends situations. chadster breaks through all your walls! we might be able to pee standing up but you get to have multiple orgasms.

ChewTheCud said...

hahaha - there i go getting spoon and twoflower confused - need to cut back on blog reading.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - perfectly said my dear. I can't have sex now. Maybe right in the beginning, but until I feel it's safe to venture down that road, I'll have to hold back. I know it would be too soon for me.
You said it brilliantly. Random shag before feelings become involved is fine. Therefater, it becomes trickier.

Chew - and Thank God for multiple orgasms. What's even better is that I can totally give them to myself. :)

Antoine said...

Rule #1 Friends do not bonk friends

Rule #2 You have many aquantances but very few friends

Rule #3 Value your friends for what u can give them

Rule #4 Keep council of all your discussions

Rule #5 Do not kiss babies

Rule #6 Do not kiss their mothers (when the fathers are around)

Rule #7 If it feels good - do it

Rule #8 Friends do not bonk - they make love - which places their friendship on a new plain

Rule #9 Always wear latex unless u both had the test

Rule #10 Make them laugh - that way you will not notice mirth when u get naked

Rule #11 Marriage makes for divorce

Rule #12 Serial Monogamy is a good thing

Rule #13 Only one at a time unless u playing

Rule #14 Keep it simple

Rule #15 Bull shit baffles brains

Rule #16 Never lie --- edited highlights are ok however

Rule #17 Try anything once

Rule #18 If it is nice do it again

Rule #19 Life is an investment - more u put in - more u get out

Rule #20 Think before u speak

Rule #21 Make a decision - someone has to

Rule #22 The Sun will always rise in the morning

Rule #23 Deleted.
Rule #24 Cute is ugly but bonkable

Rule #25 The world belongs to us

Rule #26 Slowly Slowly Catchy Monkey


Peas on Toast said...

Nice one Antoine!

I love kissing babies, but I tend to agree with the rest. ;)

Champagne Heathen said...

Peas, some of your points made me smile. Some of what you said made me nervous. You make a good argument in your comments that it is still early days & so perhaps you can still be playing on the defensive. Just don't be kidding yourself. Emotions & thoughts cannot be changed however much you'd like them to be. I am not saying that you are doing that, but it was a thought while reading this.

And remember, I am hardly any sort of expert on this topic. Follow my advice & you too might soon be looking for your own personlised pimps. Antoine says:
Rule #7 If it feels good - do it

[and of course to all of you: Rule #9 Always wear latex unless u both had the test]

Carlz said...

Narcissism must be a by-product of self-control - WELL SAID MY FRIEND!! I must agree!

Peas on Toast said...

Champers - thanks dollface. All is good I swear, I have this under control. Am all over it. I think. Until we make a commitment to each other, I stand firm. I'm happiest this way. :)

Carlz - Babe stuff couple love. Self-love is the way to go! :)

Jam said...

That's some seriously good advice there Peas. It's amazing to see how you've grown (but not like Chad) in the past few months.

Peas on Toast said...

Ah thanks Jam. :)

Sometimes I thank God I had my heart broken this year. Because then I wouldn't be as sensible as I am now. Other times I get mad as I can see how much it has fucked me up. I'm trying to take something good out of it though.

I hope you manage to grow from yours too Jam. xx

Jam said...

That's just such a long story at the moment...
Breakups teach you huge amounts. As does space, and the ability to be aware and reflect. I think we always perceive bad and good, right and wrong in odd ways. I've chosen to see my year as "hard", and somehow that makes it "easier".

ChewTheCud said...

eish missus this blog she is fucked

Peas on Toast said...

Ham - that is a good way to start Jam. Instead of 2006 being "one disaster after another," it's been a year "of life changing challeneges." Lbale it something sort of positive, like "hard" as you've done and you eventually start to believe it. :)

Chew - Nah she's ok now. ;)

Ham said...

You called me Ham. ;-)

ChewTheCud said...

peas on toast - jam on ham

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - sorry my lovely!

Stephanie said...

But life is so boring if you don't make yourself vulnerable. And take drugs.

Peas on Toast said...

Stephanie - Believe me, life is never boring. ;) But if my love life were slightly dull, I'm not complaining either. :)

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