Thursday, November 23, 2006

walls

I've found a coping mechanism that isn't wholly productive at the moment.
It seems to envelope every facet of my life right now, and it's completely involuntary.

I've walled myself off.

I am a walking robot at the moment, as paperwork, bureaucracy, a boyfriend, and a freelance project demand my immediate and emotional attention. How do I deal? Mainly I ignore it. The freelance project is the one thing that is getting me through this current phase, where I close my bedroom door and pore over my computer, smoking cigarettes and drinking juice. I'm not even drinking wine anymore, it really is that bad.

As for the rest of my life, I'm really kind of sliding. Finances aren't looking hot at all, although since I haven't been pissing cash against a wall as per usual, this is most depressing. I suppose most of it has gone towards my electric windows.

So I'm dealing by just shutting off my emotions and going about everything robot-style. Although I can't seem to see the finish line at present.

27 comments:

Jam said...

I know this feeling so well at the moment. I have 18 days left at my job, and most days I just don't know how I'm going to get through but somehow I am. I'm venting a lot. My poor boyfriend.

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - it's hectic hey? I wake up with the same feeling of draed every day. I don't think I'm cut out for the modern world.
I did a fair amount of venting yesterday to my boyfriend too, poor chap.

boldly benny said...

Hi Peas
I hear you - I've been blogging about this lately because I have so much on my plate and really I feel like it's swallowing me up. Just as I sign off one deadline, another (bigger) one falls on me.
I love my freelance work and I hate that I can't give it my full attention but it also makes me feel like I've completely overloaded myself coz I end up juggling about 5 deadlines.
At times like these I always fall victim to the snowball effect - if one area of my life is unmanageable, I identify other areas that are also unmanageable and it usually starts by looking at my finances! URK!
Hope your situation improves and that you start seeing the finishing line xB

Jam said...

I'm a morning person. I've always been a morning person. This is rapidly changing as I struggle to drag my recalcitrant mind out of bed each morning. I'm getting to work 5 minutes later each day....

Peas on Toast said...

Benny - hi sweetheart. Misery loves company, so I totally hear you! Just as you're through one deadline or wrapped up some bureaucratic stuff-up, another one comes snowballing down the hill! Here's to us not drowning in it! x

Jam - I totally agree. Although grumpy, I do my best work in the morning. Early morning as well. Now I wake up and can't believe I actually have to get out of bed! We're going to party once you're out the treehouse ok! :)

Daytripper said...

Hello Blog-ites!
As the grand daddy among you and a very experienced free lancer let me say: RELAX!
What you are all experiencing is the totally normal end-of-year-do-it-fucking-right-now-cos-I -have-been-a-lazy-toss-and-didn't-brief -you-properly-end-of-yea-rush that every worker is subjected to by those in charge; be you freelance or employed.
Don't stress. It wasn't you. It was them.
Folow these simple steps:
Keep head down
Breathe deeply as frequently as possible
Take micro breaks all day
Do not indulge in day dreaming
Eat well
sleep as much as you can

Soon it wil be over and you will be whole, and those miserable fucks who have ruined the last 2 month of your life will still be miserable fucks!
*grin*

boldly benny said...

Daytripper - I like that advice, particularly if I think that in four weeks time I'll be lying on the beach and thinking of the miserable fucks who lashed out over deadlines - maybe that's my goal line I have to keep in sight!

Peas on Toast said...

Daytripper - lol! This is a big project that extends to next year. Luckily I'm enjoying it. But the other stuff is slipping off the wagon very fast. :)

Billy said...

Im a nut case at the moment too. I hope its just the time of the year and not permenant!

Hold on people its only a few weeks to the holidays!

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - you too eh? The holidays start in four weeks, I'm telling you it can't come a minute too soon. How sad is this - the first three days of my holidays will be dedicated to bureaucracy.
Standing in queues at the traffic department, SARS, MultiChoice...that sort of thing.

Revolving Credit said...

Don't I know that feeling.
This morning I got up, had a cup of coffee and the morning cig.
Check my email in preparation for the start of my day.
Normally then it's get dressed and off to the office.
When checking email though I get a request for meeting from a client to discuss an on going issue.

Shit, I thought we'd resolved it, after 3 meetings, after much debate, after me getting most irate and then finally giving in to their requests, I thought things were sorted.

Now these fuckers want to change/adapt/question yet again.

Don't they realise that while I'm meeting/masterbating these issues with them, I'm not actually getting any real work done. And my personal stress levels are reaching breaking point.

So I did what any sane person would do - I got back into bed and here I still lay. HA!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - tha's the spirit dollface! And don't get out of bed until they bloody well make up their minds. Fuckers.
;)

Revolving Credit said...

Seeing as I'm under strict orders from Peas, to stay in bed, could someone please organise me a latte?

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - you have to set the scene for me:
Are you really lying there in your doondies/underrods, laptop on knees?

Someone in Cape Town, please organise this gentleman a latte-to-go.

Revolving Credit said...

Pillows, duvet, laptop, cellphone, cigarettes.

Doondies???

Peas on Toast said...

Awesome. How long do you plan to lie there? (Albeit doondieless)?

Can we embark on a Rev-In-Bed marathon?
People can place bets: how many days until Rev starts getting bed sores?

Anonymous said...

oh my god, i so identify this morning. its frightening.
walking aorund feekling like i wanna burst into tears all the time.
thing is, I'm not getting a hoiday this year, because apparently my 3 week stay in the cardio ward in the morningside clinic this year was "as restful as a beach trip". in other words, i used up all my leave and my company doesn't close.
I am the kippie that gets to man the office when everyone else goes away. plus, with 4 staff members having resigned in the last two months, and none having been hired, the workload has just got "redistributed".
fuck. i am not coping. the whole office has been asked to work an extra 2.5 horus a day.
i am freaking and have no idea how i am gonna get through the next 5 minutes let alone the next day...let alone the next month...

Lisa

Peas on Toast said...

Ah Lisa, that is so unfair! They ACTUALLY reckon a hospital stay is as good as a holiday?? Your corporation, my friend, is bordering on the inhumane. Will you at least get a couple of days over Christmas (?) New Year?
I feel your pain, although it sounds to me you really need to organise a holiday or some sorts. Perhaps say you're going on a missionary to Madagasgar?

Revolving Credit said...

I unfortunately have a meeting at 4pm today so I'll have to get my ass out of bed, covered and to the office by then.

Champagne Heathen said...

Peas, I'll join you on this spectator sport of Rev's-Bed-Marathon. Not too spectatorish though...best he just keep that duvet well placed, thank you! Especially by the stage things are getting bedsores under there!

I agree with DayTripper - alot of it has to do with end-of-the-year exhaustion! Visit a few Cape blogs, like 2Oceans, & remember why you are holding on!

Revolving Credit said...

Champs wants to spectate, ja right.
I know about her and her constantly wanting to lift the covers to check the pitch.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - bugger. I was looking forward to an intricate report!

Champers - Tell me about it. I think I'm going to Google 'end of year holidays in places of paradise.'

Revolving Credit said...

'Perhaps say you're going on a missionary to Madagasgar?'

Peas, didn't you mean 'Mission'??

or is this some new kind of sex tour??

Peas on Toast said...

Well either or really. But I imgaine if Lisa tells her boss she's goin to teach Mdagasgans about the glory of God, they cannot deny her leave.

The glory of sex, however, might raise a few eyebrows, and may glean more questions. Either way, she'd be on a mission of sorts. How could they possibly deny her?

Revolving Credit said...

Sounds like a bit of Madagasgan Morning Glory!

HAL-LE-LU-JAH!

Anonymous said...

ps. nope, no break between xmas and new years. i get boxing day, new years day and xmas day. thats it.
L

Peas on Toast said...

Bummer Lisa. Best you drink yourself retarded on those days to cope. Thinking of you.
x