Friday, December 08, 2006

chad and me

Quick update: Mine and : Suave's interviews will be aired on Friday, tomorrow on SAfm at 12:45 in the afternoon, and again on Monday on Radio 2000 at 1.10pm.

Now.

Chad my rat is punishing me for having a boyfriend.

The signs are all there.

His behaviour is bordering on passive hostility, and the result is me, the attention giver, giving into Chad, the attention seeker. The classic, if not predictable sociopathic pattern when 1 x attention seeker is trying to make a point. The end result is forthright blatancy in the form of angry chewing.

As Sir Isaac Newton once professed, and henceforth remained gung-ho with scientists around the world because of, Every action has a reaction.

He was right you know.

I have an extraordinary pair of black trousers. Extraordinary because they’re practically perfect in every way.
Or were.
I took them off very quickly and feverishly the other night (the reason why is another story altogether), and tossed them with reckless abandon onto the carpet, perfectly adjacent to Chad’s cage.

As jealousy and boredom consumed him, he reached for a stray thread jutting idly from my innocent pants, pulled them towards his gnashing incisors, and chewed a massive hole right above the crotch area.

This only came to my attention after 40 minutes. Feverish distraction prevented me from noticing any sooner. He ate more than half the top of my trousers. He swallowed half of what he nibbled on, digested it and passed out hundreds of perfectly-shaped black cotton stools. With a smile on his face.
Semi-digested rat droppings – the fate of my pants. No death could be more undignified.
The leftover shreds were formed into a new nest.

Newton’s Third Law proved correct: He chowed my pants (action), I screamed for half an hour (reaction).

Yesterday I fumbled around for ten minutes amongst the mayhem that is his cage. (Chad isn’t particularly house proud). Why? His food bowl has disappeared.
No, but gone. Nowhere to be seen. The world’s greatest mystery since Emily Earhart.

It’s disappeared into thin air.
Or, maybe, more intentionally, he has consumed a large amount of plastic, in a bid to pry my attention away from the other man in my life. The reaction is to spend fruitless hours looking for his bloody food vestibule.
(“That’s right bitch, carry on looking…oh yes. Only when I shit out a lump of green plastic tomorrow will you know the fate of my food bowl. That’ll teach ya.”)

I think we may need counseling.

41 comments:

Suavé said...

Oh shit, I think I just dropped a nugget in my pants! Aaaargh!

Pete said...

Morning Peas

This is about my eleventy bollionth first comment and the novelty STILL hasn't worn off:)

Needed a luagh this morning, thanks for that. Might I suggest you get in the habit of leaving two items next to his cage, one, say, a pair of old jeans that could do with a nice big hole in the crotch, and one highly coveted item of clothing, and see which he munches.

At least them you'll have some sort of benchmark as to that can be considered SFC (safe for chad) and NSFC (not safe for chad.

It's like science or soemthing:)

Pete said...

Well, looks like Suavy beet me to it, but the experiment should be run regardless:)

Peas on Toast said...

Suave - you and me both chine. That nervous feeling, it starts all over again! ;)

Pete - ha ha ha, d'you reckon he'd make a calculated decision as in: "These pants look less spectacular than those pants. I will munch both pants. Just to make my point. "

;)

Pete said...

It will be like the uncertainty principle or something. If he can't choose between soemthing that clearly needs to be draughty and something you want to attract large amounts of male ass in, he might not chow either.

Or his head will explode. That's just how science works you know.

Peas on Toast said...

Pete - ha ha ha. As a nurturing caregiver, I hope Chad and I can sort out our emotional issues over a good chat.

Oh God. HAVE I BEEN A BAD MOTHER??? I've been a bad mother. HAVE I? Yes I have. Guilt. Parenthood is so hard.

Pete said...

Don;t beat yourself up about it, sometimes they just do the craziest things.

I'm having serious issues with Henry too, little bugger can't deal with the fact that I have to leave him alone sometimes and now he's expressing his feelings of emotional abandonment by making his leaves turn brown. You can tell them to use sunblock as often as you want but they just don't listen.

If you find a good pet therapist let me know, I'm free on Thursday afternoons.

Antoine said...

Hummm. Bad Mother indeed getting feverish in front of the children. He will be scarred for life!

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - group therapy? Next Thursday, hows your diary looking?

Antoine - Well not entirely...his cage is in the side room off my main room...but still, I need to give him more attention to compensate.

Overcompensation is also a reaction. I wonder if Newton agrees?

Pete said...

Do I look like a Billy to you?! :)

Daedalus said...

Ertjie,
You are positively the only female I know with a rat hahaha...

Peas on Toast said...

Pete - I can't believe I just called you Billy. So sorry! Late start this morning....

D-Guy - I'm certain I am! ;)

Jam said...

Your rat is bored. He needs more attention for sure. He's a bright little creature who needs some form of intellectual stimulation. Perhaps just talking to him more might help?

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - I always thought me coming home after two many drinkiepoos, him having to hea my constant verbal diarrhoea after this or a long day at the office drove him crazy. ("Oh God. Here we go again. This chick just won't shut up already. How many times do I have to hear her talk about stupid men?")

Maybe this is why we need counseling. You know, to understand how to communicate. :)

Or maybe, maybe, he enjoyed my crazy rants at the end of each day....;)

Peas on Toast said...

Pete - btw thanks for tagging me! I saw it on your blog yesterday, I'll get right on it. ;)

Daedalus said...

Ertjie,
Does he have a little running wheel?
They love those things... well I know Hamsters do ... they get addicted.

Champagne Heathen said...

Peas - it looks like you've been tagged twice, and on 2 different topics... I just tagged you. Blame Rob!

Also, maybe Chad needs more conversations about how HE is doing. Maybe he feels the conversations have been too orientated around your worries & developments.

I would enjoy seeing you trying to create an open forum where he can feel safe to express his emotions & worries freely!! ha ha!

Peas on Toast said...

Yeah D-Guy he most certainly has. Hecannot possibly get bored. He has tubes to run through, a playset (I shit you not), and a ball that he runs in. I really think I need to spend an evening with him so he feels special again.

Me and my (not so) widdle wat.

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - yay! Will check it out. Perhaps I should set up a blog for Chad? Where he can vent his worries, hurts and frustrations into a public domain?

Or maybe I'll take him out for dinner and lavish him with love and affection. He's gotta realise he's still my number one guy.

Daedalus said...

Ertjie,
You know, from his point of view he might not know that he is a rat after all, he sees you and prolly think that he looks like you ... poor thing prolly suffers from an identity crisis or more a species crisis hahah... they say that dogs living in isolation with humans, think of themselves as humans too hehehe...

Peas on Toast said...

So on top of feeling emotionally neglected my rate has identity issues as well.
I'm gonna need the number of a good psychologist.

My poor baby is obviously in a bad way!

Champagne Heathen said...

I thought it was the other way around, that dogs saw their human companions as other dogs, as part of their pack.

Maybe Chad sees Peas as another rat. No wonder he is pissed off you are then wearing clothes and shagging a male human!

Peas on Toast said...

God I hope not Champs. Chad's a handsome guy, but the tail isn't something I'd choose to have.

3rm said...

its amelia earhart

Peas on Toast said...

Amelia, Emily, potato, potahto.

Daedalus said...

In some weird way that is what I meant Champs ... LOL ... but then again ... rats have no concept of packs, they know how to chew things... that is about it

kyknoord said...

You should sell those pants on eBay. I'm sure people will pay top dollar to own a genuine Peas holey relic.

Revolving Credit said...

Wearing those pants makes you look like your crotch is a rat infested area..haha

Seriuosly, maybe he need some conversation or some company.
I think chad may need a pet.

Thats it, get your pet a pet - preferably something he came eat.
Ask him if he'd like a dog??

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - it would be an interesting experiment. Perhaps if I'm lucky I'll get five bucks for them. ;)

Rev - I like the way you think. Perhaps something more low maintenance, like a hamster. I mean, you know how kids are: they get a pet and mum ends up looking after it and cleaning its cage...

zuzula said...

i think it's time for Chad to flee the nest! Put him on ebay ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Sell him as a slave? To a sweatshop?

Never!

Well not yet anyway. ;)

Crusoe said...

I think someone needs to draft an Ode to Chad! Peas can then go home and read it to him which will let him know he is loved by many. Any volunteers?

Peas on Toast said...

Poetry! Crusoe, you're a genius.

'My darling Chad....'

Revolving Credit said...

I think Chad wants a Playstation for Xmas!

or some tasty cotton doondies!

Girl in the World said...

Sheesh, i thought today was Friday and sat waiting in my car till 1 to hear Peas on safm only to realize I was 24 hours too eager!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I think Peas wants the iBod for Christmas. Bt then this may make Chad even more jealous. ;)

Girl in the World - bless your little cotton socks!
I'm getting that nervous feeling all over again...;)

Revolving Credit said...

Maybe if we can find an iRAT, you 2 could get his & hers ( rat & hers) Christmas gifts.

other-duke said...

it's going to take you ages to find another 'perfect' pair or pants. be strong, you'll find them

don't forget, he's vermin after all ;)

karaoke queen said...

lol - I'm imagining a big green plastic rat turd right now. Sad for your pants though. Perhaps chad needs a friend? A non-compatible for breeding one? Last thing you need is 10 or 12 little chads running around. Your entire wardrobe would be in serious danger.

fly said...

Peas...Rats eat everything they can find...I warn you..everything... :o)

They feel nothing for powercords, hi-fi's, bed feet, clothes, cd Boxes etc and they are quite adept at disintergrating bones as well....if its softer than their teeth they will eat it...and they will attempt harder stuff as well just to be sure...

This is after owning a rat for close onto 5 years (they dont really live too long unfortunately)...

The reason they are like this, is because their incisors constantly grow and they need to keep them trimmed down...good things for this are cuttlefish (those things parrots chew on) or anything else in your house... :o) go to a pet store and find chewable stuff (maybe a giant ostrich bone or something)...think if you were a rat, what would you like to gnaw ???

A geeky reply I know but it may just save your next pair of fav pants ;o)

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - an iRat shoud keep him happy. Who says you can't buy love?

O-D - that little vermin has fucked up my most versatile pair of pants...he's good. Very good. ;)

Karaoke - Yeah. I'm not bringing anything he can potentially breed with anywhere near him. :)

Fly - love that advice - see? Us rat owners need to stick together. Rat Owners Support Group. Thanks for explaining this - I'm going to stick a rock in his cage and let him chew on that!