Tuesday, January 16, 2007

The death of yves saint lewart

Yves got burnt off on Saturday.

Good grief it hurts. Well since a layer of acid sits on my kneecap, and I can't wear pants because it scrapes at it. So I'm pretty fudging uncomfortable.

I’d finally had enough after someone slapped my knee at Turtle Creak on Friday night and screeched in genuine fear,” There’s a massive bug on your knee!”
(No. That’s just Yves.)
And then I banged my knee on a wall much later, and fuck me if it wasn’t sore.

Smoking Legs' dad is privy to all wart-frying-off cocktails, since he’s a doctor, and Yves got acid thrown on him. He ceases to grow roots into my knee and reside carbuncle-like on it.
He really was the size of a small barnacle, and my excuses of But I think he’s really pretty just wasn’t washing with the general public anymore.

Then.
One of my male mates, who has admitted that he is threatened by his girfriend's vibrator, found my Bushwhacker 3 000. Everyone knows about my ever-faithful vibrating wiener, and this particular mate says he'd decapitate it (…?) if he so much as finds it 'for the sake of all male-kind.'
I’ve tried explaining how unfair this is, because Bushie hasn’t hurt anyone before. He’s a toy, and most men just have a fascination with dildos, if anything. I told him that his girlfriend should be free to use her Danny the Dolphin whenever she pleases.

My mate found it and ran around the house with my favourite toy on Saturday morning – throwing it into The Ant’s cupboard to try and hide it from me – then lost all the batteries of it amongst her shoes. (Sorry Ant),
“Fine. But if you damage my dildo, there’s going to be hell to pay.” Me.
“I’m going to hidddddde it. [Holding it up like a rifle] Bushwhacker 3 000 is a thing of the past! Now my girlfriend's dildo is next.” Him.

Nay. He needs to accept that the Bushwhacker 3 000, or any dildo for that matter, is about as necessary to women as tampons and hand cream. It’s a necessity for all chicks who know what I’m talking about. And you do. He does not replace the real thing, but sometimes it’s really really nice to whip him out if one is bored/horny/lonely/can’t sleep/frustrated/pre-menstrual/experimental.

It’s a wank thing.

So, my mate went and placed it right under the Pinotage and Sauvignon Blanc in the wine rack hanging from the lounge wall. Only noticed when mum popped in to visit.
But of course. Her now second confrontation with my whacker.

Mum and I both saw it together, as we turned to look at the wine rack. There he is. Mounted like a trophy, in whoring pink, under the wine bottles.

Mum: What…is that?
[Phew, she’d forgotton about the first time obviously. Selecive memory is amazing.]
Me: Oh shit.
Mum: That thing…is revolting [Still continues staring at it in fascinated bemusement.]
Me: It’s The Ant’s. Not mine.
Mum: What’s it filled with?

[pause]

Me:..Sweets. See The Gilb gave it to The Ant as an, um, stocking filler for Christmas.
Mum: Oh. It's quite funny though.
Me: Yeah…bit of a gag gift, huh?

38 comments:

Revolving Credit said...

Alas, poor Yves, you wore him well.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I know...he was so priddy. :)

Hot Pink said...

Notice how Rev chooses to ignore Bushies potential for comment ;-)

I on the other hand can't be faithful to just one piece of plastic (er...unles it's me gold card), and have invested in the prettiest pastel selection.

the exBF also bought me vibrating panties this weekend. withe remote attached to his keyring. it might be a revenge thing. He could walk into the carpark at work and embarrass me.

Overshare? me? never!

Peas on Toast said...

Hot pink - I've heard those vibrating doondies are the bomb. ;)
Now a pastel selection sounds nice...

Revolving Credit said...

HP, I'm really trying not to start the day off in the gutter, unless I wake up there of course.

But if you insist, I'll see what evil thoughts I can conjure up.

Antoine said...

I am a firm believer that everyone should have a selection of toys to have fun with. I am also a firm believer that toys should be shared with your partner!!

Vibrating knickers sound like a good investment! (web search happening as we speak *chuckle*)

and above all the only people you have to hide your toys from are the kiddies - only cause they use them for the strangest things never thought of in their design.

I do recall when my G/F's lass found the crop - it took some explaining and almost meant someone was going to have to start riding lessions :)

Peas on Toast said...

Antoine - a riding crop? Interesting big guy! ;)

muddlepuddle said...

Bwahahahaa!!
"What's it filled with?"

i w o u l d h a v e w e t m y p a n t s

other-duke said...

that's hilarious.

farewell dear wart - parting is such sweet sorrow

Peas on Toast said...

Muddle - ha ha ha! Funny thing is she thought it was just a sweet dispenser shaped like a totty - bless!

O-D - He hasn't even parted yet, he'll fall off (probably in my bed) over the next week. MMMMMMM. Can't wait, really. ;)

muddlepuddle said...

Heeestericallll!

Now the que is will you keep him in a jar or stuck to your desk with sticky tape for like ever? Or will you chuck him?

Peas on Toast said...

Muddle - he looks kinda sophisticated there, with the wine. I might leave him there actually. THemaid keeps on moving it anyway, so we'll see how long he stays there!

ChewTheCud said...

the dude ran around with your vibrator and then hid it? Whatever happened to boundaries? :)

"He'll probably fall off in your bed" - OK like yukk!

muddlepuddle said...

R-iiiggggggght.....
So I was asking after Yves...but we can talk about Bushie if you like!!!

Peas on Toast said...

Chew - he's a good mate of mine that knows no boundaries. ;)
It's pretty funny though. :)

MUddle - ohhhh. Sorry Monday morning haze has not yet lifted. I'll probably wrap him up in a present and send him to an ex lover of mine.
;)

muddlepuddle said...

oooooohhhhhh....
that's gross.....!

Insane Insomniac said...

HAHAHAHAHA
As I've often been told - you can have bad sex, but you can never have a bad wank.

Sweets dispenser - HAHAHAHAH ROFLMAO

I had an Yves on my palm as a kid - it was a big friends making deterrent. Finally had it burnt off.

Peas on Toast said...

Insane - funnily enough I've had better wanks than others, but the probability of wankage versus boofage, I;d say it's definitely less probable to have a bad wank.:)

Glad you got Yves2 off your palm china. x

kyknoord said...

The wine rack? Makes sense: young, cheeky and vibrant, but with earthy, decadent overtones. Deeply satisfying and leaves a pleasant tingle on the lips.

Peas on Toast said...

Kyknoord...with a distinctive fruity nose. :)

Revolving Credit said...

Does this mean that things were swopped around and the cork-screw is in your bedroom drawer?

Note of caution - Be very carefull when returning home late at night, a bit tipsy and seeking self-gratification.

Peas on Toast said...

That's more like the Rev I know. Phew, he's back. ;)

Corks eh?

Revolving Credit said...

OK, when seeking self-uncorking??

Peas on Toast said...

Now if you can recommend a place to buy a vibrating cork....

Daedalus said...

[..] "It’s a wank thing." [..]
Bwhahahahahahaha!!!
Ello Ertjie ... D is back.
Oh, and Ello Derde-Wereld-Mier

ChewTheCud said...

don't drink the vibrator!

hold on - you want to uncork, or cork something? or put a cork in and screw it out ;P

Peas on Toast said...

D-guy - hey!! And happy new year and welcome back yourself - may it be a good one for you ;)

Chewy - I'll try not to hump the laser, eh, drink the vibrator.
;)

Revolving Credit said...

Question: If your friend is intimidated by his girlfriend's vibrator, is she supposed to be intimidated by his hand.

Daedalus said...

Ertjie,
Thanks! ... Ditto...
but, remember .. there are no such thing as constant happiness ... there are "moments of happiness" (may you have many happy moments too)
I felt philosophical for a second there...

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - well supposedly not, as his hand doesn't resemble a vajayjay. ;)

D-Guy - you got that straight. Take today for instance - it's Monday, there's no more Grey's Anatomy, so I would say I'm in a constant state of happiness, no.

ChewTheCud said...

rev - he could have a pocket vagina instead of a hand.

no more greys anatomy - yay! :)

Third World Ant said...

I'm still reeling at the embarrassment I'll face when next I see your mother! Completely mortified, even though IT'S NOT MY VIBRATOR!

I'll get you back, Peas! Can't wait for my Mom to visit the flat!

Peas on Toast said...

Hey I was put on the spot.
And look on the bright side...she didn't even think it was a vibrator. :)

PS: Your mum has no idea I am depraved yet?? ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, did you just tacitly donate for Whacker to Ant??

You girls must be really close if you take sharing to that level..hahaha

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - I did no such thing. We're close and I love my little Ant, but I'm afraid Bushie stays with me. Besides, she's partial to Flick the G...:)

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, your mom though that the Great Wall of China was a giant sex toy, so she has no reason to judge either of you.

Peas on Toast said...

Yeah, which is why she laughed it off and thought it was hilarious.

We shalt not mention the Wall. I shalt want to chunder.

Inyoka said...

Mmmm... a cautionary tale for Hot Pink. See here.
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/05/18/vibrating_knickers/

Peas - warts are like old boyfriends. You soon forget them.