Friday, January 12, 2007

a manual flushing

Doc my mate from India is still in town for a couple of days and had a drinks ensemble at his folks house yesterday.

It was wonderful. That is until C and and I broke the guest toilet.

What is with us? This wasn't intentional like the time(s) we deliberately yanked the soap dispensers off the wall of the Jolly Roger. No, all we did was go for a slash together. As girls do.

We peed, and then pulled the knob-thingie on top of the cistern. Nothing.
"Never worry," says I, pulling the china lid off, and handing C the beautiful ming vase that was on top of it. "Hold this. I'm amazing with toilets."
I've fixed three toilets in my lifetime. But seriously. So when your cistern is taking heat, I'll show it who's boss.

Stuck my hand into the water to retrieve the hook thingie that had fallen off the arm thingie that connects to the flusher thingie. Attached hook thingie to arm thingie. Pulled flusher manually.

Nothing. "This toilet is dead china." C starts giggling, whilst holding the ming vase.

The sound of escaping steam (in a cistern?) followed by a popping sound.

Fuck.

I decanter water with my hands into the suction pump thingie in order to try and dilute the yellowness of toilet bowl. We are ladies afterall.

By now C is filling the [possibly flipping expensive] ming vase from a [possible archealogical grave site of some sheik of Arabia and worth small fortunes in both sentimentality and cash, and possibly Most Wanted Object by the London Science Museum], and we pour water from basin to vase into toilet bowl.

Eight times.

Evacuate toilet room, and carry on drinking gin and tonics with the rest of our normal mates.
We broke Doc's loo.
I then joined my my boy for a late night canoodle, and on awaking this morning was so delighted that I didn't have a hangover.

Still bust a water closet though.

21 comments:

Kevin Cadman said...

Haha, that's awesome. It reminds me of Ben Stiller's character in Along Came Polly. He takes a shit and it just won't flush. He ends up flooding the whole place...

I hate those situations. The problem is, you end up making it much worse by trying to mitigate it.

About 15 years ago (making me about 8 years old) I was at a friend's place. I had a case of wee-bum and accidentally sharted into my underpants. I rushed to the toilet but didn't know what to do with the soiled garment. I ended up wrapping it in toilet paper (at 8 years old your doondies aren't very big) and shoving it down the back of the porcelain stand thingie that held up the basin.

They still live there today... I wonder if it's still there?

Peas on Toast said...

Oh my God Kev that's hilarious!
I wonder when they found them - and I'm going to assume they did - if they knew they were yours. Did your mum label your underwear like mine did?

Kevin Cadman said...

Haha, I don't think she did. At least I hope she didn't!

I can just imagine the scene... "that little fucker!"

Here's hoping they never renovate! ;)

Peas on Toast said...

...or need to fiddle in the toilet cistern.

"That little fucker!...A clever hiding place though...admittedly."

Jam said...

And now they're probably wondering why the Ming Vase is wet.

Dick said...

I love the toilet fixing engineer in you Peas! And the my boy thing?? Try Man, and check my blogg;)

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - unless they read this blog of course. :)

Dick - Man. :) Can you teach me how to fix cars now please? ;)

Insane Insomniac said...

The worst case scenario is when you go to a club and you end up with the cubicle that is either bogroll free/not flushed/not flushing/just plain dodgy.
And at festivals...those toilets are the worst! whose brigth idea was it to develop a toilet that flushed with its used water. Its gross despite the radioactive chemicals they throw in!

Peas on Toast said...

Yeah Splashy Fen is a classic example of that Insomniac.

Porter Potties, by nature, should never have been invented...

Champagne Heathen said...

You have to wonder though how many of the guests had to do the same as you though! Cause if it was broken for you, it must have been for the guys after you, and maybe even before. See....so then it wasn't your fault! Someone else broke it!! You're safe. You can be invited back!

Peas on Toast said...

I hope so Champs, his parents rock. I took Doc aside and explained that I'd fucked up his toilet.
His reply was: 'Oh God, that's hilarious."

But maybe the real offender should 'fess up - C and I have our devout reputations to protect afterall!

ChewTheCud said...

People never use their own guest toilets anyway (the "guest" part kinda gives it away right?)- so it could be completely fucked and they wouldn't notice ;P

Peas on Toast said...

True - it could've been like that for years. Or maybe the toilet is there 'just for show' ..;)

Spider said...

When you are fixing toilets, you sound like me when some one asks me to help them with making dinner. But I do get something on the table (after phoning for delivery that is).

Anonymous said...

Stylish. Of course, you do realise that the thing was probably fucked long before you used it. Chances are good that generations of guests have been doing exactly the same thing as you (BTW, it's kyknoord here. WTF is up with Blogger and the sodding comment box?)

It is the question said...

Waddya mean "on awaking this morning was so delighted that I didn't have a hangover?"

Delighted because you've stuck to your resolution and didn't drink and therefore didn't have a hangover or delighted becasue you failed at the resolution and drank, but didn't get a hangover?

Hee hee...

IITQ

Hoops said...

Aaaah, Peas, it gives me great joy to know that you haven't changed one bit...
i'm not sure which is worst, blocking a toilet at a mates house or at the office. my new office on the island only has one toilet for all the staff on that floor.

Unisex.

my first day on the job, i made the 'walk of shame' to the toilet with 10 pairs of eyes checking out the newbie... And ofcourse, the freakin thing chose my flush-time to get blocked.

I am ashamed to say that i high-tailed it outta there and pretended i knew nothing about it. i mean, c'mon, it was my first day and there was no way that i was going to tell my new boss in our first ever meeting- hey, I'm S and I blocked your loo.

The accountant did it. That's me story and I'm sticking to it.

Peas on Toast said...

Spider - Hello Mr resident chef! (Or just about) - you're obviously good. My mates don't ask me for food advice. :(

Anon - yip. Perhaps it was Doc himself? ;)

IITQ - A bit of both really.

Caribbean - oh my senorita that is priceless! Of course, very hectic too. That accountant is going down... :)

other-duke said...

Minging.

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