Thursday, January 11, 2007


So my good mate The Dove has moved to London.


She has this habit of living there for succinct periods of time until the weather and monotony of the Piccadilly line get a bit wearisome, she comes back and then, inevitably returns again. I’m missing her like mad, for she is my mate, but she is also unbelieveably hilarious and frank. Most refreshing in a world filled with conservatives.

If I ask her for instance if my bottom looks grotesque in new jeans she’d say: “Take those off…looks like you have a ton of junk in your trunk.”
God I miss her.

So she’s fucked off again to the Island of Mud. I bought her a t-shirt: I have enough friends, thanks.
I tried everything this time.
Subject: why you shouldn’t go.

I’m going to appeal to you through the medium of persuasive email not to go to bloody Britain:

This regular decorum of flying fudging Virgin Airlines across to where He Of Airplane lives is nothing short of annoying. Why do you want to go there anyway?
Oh I know. You get to hang with the rest of South Africa in Southfields. Kiff bru. Oh and it’s wonderful living in a house with fifteen people to make extra poundage innit? Oh and you’ll start talking like a retard from Eastenders, find a boyfriend in Milton Keynes, settle down, have two kids to get the council house, oh and the weather is wonderful.

Aren’t you excited to dress in black in grey everyday while it pours drops of freezing cold drizzle over your naturally curly hair, which will now frizz? You’ll miss the bus, the tube lines will cease due to an unfortaunte saron gas incident and when you do your groceries, you’ll miss your Renault Clio, as you haul buns and bacon into the tube from the nearest Tesco, which happens to be three train changes away.

A drink will cost you R150, and that’s only when you leave town for the weekend, because your drink will cost you R400 actually, plus cover charge of R1 000 to get into any decent place. You say you won’t be seen dead at the Slug & Lettuce, but I concur. You’ll have to go to a Mr Bean premier, that’s if you’re not temping in the IT department of a rubber duck factory in Brixton.
I know I’m being an unfair bitch but you have to admit that the points raised are legit.
I love you. Please don't leave me.
Re: why you shouldn’t go

Peas. While you’re watching Fokofpolisiekar at the Dome, I’ll be watching Bob Dylan or the Foo Fighters at Hyde Park - as in the park, not some suburb in Joburg. And on the way to the Dome, you’ll be sitting in traffic on Hans Strijdom for three hours, and you won’t even be able to read a newspaper while you do it. You’ll shop at The Zone, I’ll shop at Covent Garden. On Saturday nights, while you’re slipping in vomit at Manhattan’s, I’ll be doing something cultural like watching Andrew Lloyd Webber's timeless rendition of Evita. [Yeah right – Ed]

When it rains, I’ll fuck off to the French Riviera for the weekend on a cheap package deal where flights will cost me twenty quid, and I'll probably meet a hot dude that'll take me back to his apartment in Monte Carlo. Or maybe I’ll just catch a train to Paris and shop up a storm at Galleries Lafayette. When my folks come over, I can stay with them in Surrey and get fed homemade Toad In The Hole. And no, I won’t be living with fifteen South Africans in Putney, I’m living with one mate in Clapham. I know plenty of Poms so I won't be having school reunions at The Walkabout either. I can wave at the Queen if I feel like it, and maybe I’ll picnic at Hampstead Heath. I will, however miss you Tart.
Come stay with me in London. I know you want to.

The Dove

Her latest is that she has, in fact, in accordance with my prediction, got a temp job at an IT company and is so bored she wants to staple her jean pant to the desk and clip a hole into her fringe with the office punch.
Jesus I miss her.
Her life sounds amazingly pleasant. Less the IT thing.


Lollipop said...

Shame about the friend Peas but no worries, the weather is kak. That can make or break a place. My big sis left for the great city and can brag and complain at the same time.

Found her perfect career however and has a cool boss. My mom misses her terribly.

Hot Pink said...

This Packing for Parliament Square thing? This thing that South Africans do? It's. GOT. To STOP! Enough already! Maybe I'm touchy cos The guy left to go home to london this week (read all about it, folks), but really? enough is frickin' enough.

I'm tired of sending sms's that read "it's gorgeous and sunny outside, I'm lying by the pool, haha" and getting ones in return that say "it's snowing outside. romantic and poetic and inspiring me to write! ha ha to you!". Humph!

Peas on Toast said...

Lollipop - great that your sis has found her niche career dollface. I suppose there is more opportunity for that there. You gonna go visit?

Hot pink - So sorry to hear that, why did The Guy go? (I'll read all about it, then ask questions maybe). I hop you'll be reunited soon?

Anonymous said...

My best friend lives in Spain, only dropping past every now and then to renew her visa.
Thing is, her new life in Barcelona is so fabulous I cannot argue with her decision to be there so in the mean time, I just miss her like mad and dream about the day when she'll spend a week entertaining me in Barcelona.

Anonymous said...

That was Jam - blogger won't let me enter my name today. Go figure.

Peas on Toast said...

Hello Jam! I thought it was you, you've spoken about your mate leaving to live the life in Sapin before - lucky lucky girl. I'd choose that over Bri(t)in anyday - the language, food and sun would really appeal to me.

Champagne Heathen said...

Aaaah, another things we can blame on Colonialism and I can blame on Globalisation!! (What makes you think the impending exams' theme is Globalisation!!)

As long as she keeps coming back! I have friends over there now who have bought houses & others who are almost engaged to the brits. I chose to stay yet I am the one missing out on all my good friends lives' while they party it up together?!?!?!

If HIV ever became dire over there in 1st World Land, I reckon I would do a stint in an instant of UK/ Euro travel too.

muddlepuddle said...

Aaah mate Popster the Greek Arab Bitch went back yday morn as well and I flippin hate her for it....
Whilst she has plans of EVENTUALLY coming back home it is not soon enuf for me.
The GAB works in some restaurant ridiculous hours,lives in a shizerhund room (literally) in Wimbledon pays almost no rent just so she can save her pounds, thereby actually managing to just survive Londres.

Pathetic.Just pathetic.

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - I hear msterdam is hot off the tail when it comes to AIDS. Small wonder. Now THERE'S a place I could happily reside...

Muddle - This is exactly what I'm talking about - she's sparing quality of life by living like a shizahund to save poundage. I don't really get it. Are we the only sane Saffas on the planet? ;)

Champagne Heathen said...

Peas, if nothing else, it might be worthwhile to conduct some research. Care to be my research assistant in Amsterdam??

ChewTheCud said...

They come back for the biltong and sunshine!

Peas and Champers running amok in a red light district?!? I'll sell the movie rights ;P

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - I'm there. As long as we get time off to vsit the Sex Museum. ;)

Chews - How good at your at documentaries big guy? Would you be our cameraman please?

ChewTheCud said...

We'll get a camera crew together. Jam can direct/edit ;) Rev can do the scripting. I'm seeing a modern take on Thelma and Louise, only in Amsterdam ;P

Champagne Heathen said...

This is all sounding very good. Except for the ending. Amsterdam is known for its flatness. What do we do?? Ride our bikes into a dyke?? (HA HA HA HA HA HA HA, sorry, but I enjoyed that unintended pun.)

Peas on Toast said...

Chew - Getting Rev involved would make this documentary and instant best seller. With us beig the main parts too, of course. ;)

Champs - You've heard the famous tale about the boy sticking his finger into a dyke (to save the city from flooding) right? ;)

Champagne Heathen said...

Peas, I know I have, but I have a feeling I have blocked it from memory! Ah well....feel free to just tell it to me again...

ChewTheCud said...

You guys gonna tour Amsterdam sticking your fingers in dykes????

Champagne Heathen said...

If that is what the research requires, then that is what we will have to do Chews. It will all be in the name of science...and an excellent documentary!

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - there once was a little boy with blue eys and brown hair. (Poetic license). He walked past a dyke one day and saw it was leaking. (Take this as you will). So he stuck his finger into the dyke to stop the leakage. As the hours passed, the dyke's hole got bigger and bigger, until his entire fist was in the hole. He couldn't release his fist, or the town would start to flood.
Soon his arm, then half his torso was in the dyke's hole.
Why nobody helped the little guy is beyond me.

Then his entire body was in the hle. And he drowned in the dyke. But saved the town from flooding. I presume someone finally saw his lifeless body in the dyke and called the water department.

The End.


Chews - hey, why not hey? Cept I don't wanna drown in a dyke. So I'm gonna need standby.

duke said...

the Not-So-Great Trek. Some things over here can't be beaten, others suck badly - but I'm happy to be living in Oxford, not London - too many people, too expensive and too much stress in the Big Smoke.

Oh, and Peas, I can't help but point out that I think you mean "demur", not "concur".

Peas on Toast said...

duke - Oxford sounds great, Jack Rock our mate is having a good time there too I hear. And no, I really did mean concur.

ChewTheCud said...

Anything involving you two would have to be PG or higher ;P "Chapma and Peas" almost rhymes - the cliff can be metaphorical - Your heterosexuality perhaps...

Peas - you can take turns in the dyke. Thing will probably get wet though ;)

Kate said...

Damn you, Peas! Now I have to kill myself! If SAD and being unemployed and saying goodbye to my SA friends and family who spent xmas with me wasnt bad enough, you had to go and do this! ;P

well, at least I got out of London!

Disclaimer: this is not an actual threat to take my own life. nor is it a cry for help. listen to D. Adams and Dont Panic :)

Peas on Toast said...

I'm sorry Kate! I hope it wasn't too bad, your Christmas?
Be safe in the knowledge that The Dove contacted me again today to rave about how great life is over there, so I'm the one feeling like I gotta get out of JHB.

Misery loves company - keen to join me? ;)

Insane Insomniac said...

you know what? Everyone overreacts to the whole London thing. I have to agree with Dove on this one. If it gets too much in the city, fuck off to any one of the rivieras for the weekend.
I love Jozi, but where in Jozi can you go have a picnic on a Sunday afternoon without having to worry about getting robbed!
The horror stories you hear are exaggerated. And as for the groceries - Tescos and Sainsbury's do home deliveries. DO your grocery shopping during lunch, on the net and they deliver it to your door that night when you get home.
As for the colour schemes? Well, I'm a big fan of black, but there are lots of peacocks on the tube.

The biggest problem you have to face while here is, when spotting a hot guy, hoping he speaks english

Peas on Toast said...

Fair enough Insomniac. I'm secretly jealous see.

I admitted this to her in email before lunch. You guys win. :(

Champagne Heathen said...

Considering emigrating, are you Peas? I say, why not embark on as much travel as possible, to wherever you can/ want. My friends' lives in the UK look fun enough. Go there. Do their new english exam cause they don't seem to believe, despite the Colonial ancestors, we can speak their pommy language. If it sucks, come home. If it doesn't, earn enough money to fly enough of us over for a party on the Thames!

Duke - while you are in Oxford, give dear Jack Rock big sloppy smooches from us!!

Revolving Credit said...

Why not join her for a while. Who knows, you may get to like the seasonal commute.

Peas on Toast said...

We'll see ;)

Kevin Cadman said...

Yussie... it feels like London is this giant magnet and all aspiring South Africans are great big pieces of metal.

Everyone seems to be going there. I've never been and don't really have the desire to go work there. Sure, I could do a holiday, but is it really this great big land of opportunity like everyone makes it out to be?

I like South Africa. I really like Cape Town. Keep your cold, shitty weather beeeyatches!

zuzula said...

london is cold, grey and dark at the moment. the transport is shit and everything is overpriced. your friend must be mad to want to come here!