Wednesday, January 10, 2007

predictions preschmicktions

The Ant: Let’s see…our star sign prediction for 2007. [Holds up heat’s Virgo page.]
Peas: I bet you it’ll be like last year. Let me guess…We’ll be insolvent, our lovers will leave us for other women, and our careers will collapse and we’ll turn to crack for support.
The Ant: Let’s see…Saturn is itching to lick your clit.
Peas: Oh go on.
The Ant: No for real dude.

[pause]

The Ant: Love. We’ll have strange infatuations, and these will astonish even our most open-minded friends.
Peas: Oh God. I’m going to fall in love with Nataniel aren’t I?
The Ant:…and a larger than life ex makes an appearance and won’t go away.
Peas: Oh fuck. I wonder who that could be?
The Ant: This is a year for personal growth.
Peas: Fuck that! Bugger personal growth, I’m over that shit. I had enough personal growth last year! I knew it would be bad. Something bad’s going to happen to us, I just know it.
The Ant: We want our lovers to wash their totty’s lots.
Peas: Huh?
The Ant: It says “you’ll flaunt your foxy side in the bedroom if the sheets are freshly starched and he’s freshly scrubbed.”
Peas: Oh. Well there is something wonderful about fresh sheets….

[cue censored talk about the wetspot female ejaculation and how big normal wetspots are]

The Ant: We should shag a fiery Aries for a dynamic, passionate and devilish time.
Peas: My mother’s an Aries.
The Ant: Bugger.
Peas: I know. I personally prefer Taureans right now.
The Ant: Don’t sign new contracts in February, October, March, July and November.
Peas: Great. So like practically the whole year.
The Ant: Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
Peas: Fuck. People are about to screw us over.
The Ant: You’re being paranoid. Or are you? Shit. That’s not good. We mustn’t invest in August.

[pause]

The Ant: We’re the health nuts of the zodiac.
Peas: Well we all know that’s not true.
The Ant: You eat more salads, but add variety to your diet.
Peas: If variety is junk food and Tequila Sunrises, then I’m already there.
The Ant: You’re tempted to adopt an extreme exercise routine and…
Peas: [wahahahahaha] stop stop, you're cracking me up.
The Ant…you eat healthily, but remember not to deprive yourself Virgo.
Peas: [tears of mirth running down face] ok, well now I know this is all a pile of pants [wahahahahahaha]
The Ant: You’re right.
Peas: Oh and look we share a star sign with Gareth Cliff and Beyonce, wahahahahaha.
The Ant: Wonderful role models.
Peas: And Nicole Richie…this is not looking good.
The Ant: It also says that Libra is going to get pregnant! Fuck!
Peas: Why is that a worry?
The Ant: The Gilb is a Libra!
Peas: Dude, he hasn’t got fallopian tubes.
The Ant: Yes, but in House there was a guy who got pregnant.

[pause]
The Ant: Oh and Taurus…sex looks set to satisfy.
Peas: Well that’s nice.
The Ant: His downfall is sloth and over-indulgence.
Peas: Interesting. Sounds more like me.

29 comments:

Hot Pink said...

Yay! First to comment! I too am Virgo so...shit! another kak year! Aaargh!

Oh, and Peas darling...my friend and Chris and I came up with one worse than "Pants". If something is super-pants, it's Crotchless Pants, hence it is Chaps!

Think about that one...

kyknoord said...

"sloth and over-indulgence": two of the basic food-groups for me.

Peas on Toast said...

Hot pink - yep, I'm afraid us Virgos are in shit street again. AS usual. (grumble grumble).

Chaps.

;)

Kyknoord - They say sloth and over-indulgence like its a downfall. I don't get it.
:)

Insane Insomniac said...

As a life long Virgo, i would like to kick the person who ever decided that Virgos are health freaks! And neat freaks! And controlling freaks! wait, that last one was my dad. Anyways, I love the new year horoscope article. ALways good for a laugh.

Peas on Toast said...

I hear you Insomniac.
We're paranoid, ultra-compulsive control freaks. Utter crotchless pants.

I've yet to be neat or healthy in my 26 years, but hey. :)

muddlepuddle said...

Gosh Peas sounds rather doom-like doesn't it? But then again Heat should always be read from a rather comical braindead perspective innit?
My horoscope wasn't much brighter:
You set your sights too high, it's time to lower them in order to find true love. Be aware that marrying your own pets is not allowed in most countries.

My question is how good are these guys that they figured out I was thinking of marrying my dog??
Hmmmmmmm...

Peas on Toast said...

Muddlypuddly! You're back! Hello my little ray of sunshine!

OK, ot cool tht they think yo want to marry your dog, let alone marry.

Luckily it's heat, and as we know, heat never lies.

Apparently Sagittarius has it all going on this year. Bastards.

muddlepuddle said...

Hello hello my little dahhhhling!!

Humph!So Sag has it going on huh? Guess they had to get something I mean theirs is the hardest to spell innit?

Peas on Toast said...

Yeah. Thing is, why can't it ever say:
"The money's going to roll in, you look so sexy people's eyes sting when they see your face, and you'll be bonked senseless for the rest of the year. Any decision you make will be the right one."

Fudging horoscopes are all gloom and doom these days - where's the fun in that?

Peas on Toast said...

Yeah. Thing is, why can't it ever say:
"The money's going to roll in, you look so sexy people's eyes sting when they see your face, and you'll be bonked senseless for the rest of the year. Any decision you make will be the right one."

Fudging horoscopes are all gloom and doom these days - where's the fun in that?

Third World Ant said...

the Gilb kakked his pants when i told him he was going to get pregnant this year (in June). No more sex for me :(

muddlepuddle said...

U make such a good point there.... One has to wonder about the boxes who write the shit...They're like so miserable that they have to make sure the entire universe is miserable....I mean just look at what they've done to the Gilb now... and the Ant by association...

It's pathetic really....
I blame The Hulk

Peas on Toast said...

Ant - dude I have a magnificent idea. YOu guys need to reintroduce the condom to your relationship.

Muddle - that darn Hulk. What a little fucker. He's buggering up everything for everybody. I'll kill him.

Revolving Credit said...

You make it sounds like sexual over-indulgence is a bad thing.

Although, I'm not too sure if there is such a thing as sexual over-indulgence??

muddlepuddle said...

Bastard.

I bet you he wrote those signs!!!!

Revolving Credit said...

Cuddle - Long time no blog. How the 40 days and 40 nights going??

Peas on Toast said...

Revvie you're a Virgo too. Someone's out to screw us boy. Watch your back.
In the meantime, sexual over-indulgence? Pah. What a misnomer. :)

muddlepuddle said...

Hi Gooroo

Yup I know work has me loony man.
However I am attempting to revisit blogland this year.In fact I am busy typing todays at the mo...
As for the 40 days 40 nights I'm doing good....it's really all thanks to Irish Folk Music...

Champagne Heathen said...

According to my horoscope, I am getting sex in May. That is it. No other of the 11 months will I be shagging. (Which means, Rev, in my case there will such a thing as sexual overindulgence...if I shag in say, October, too). So much for my resolutions. Gawd, I hope an unpredicted meteor comes flying through the galaxy & knocks one of the planets out of kilter!!

Revolving Credit said...

Champs, at the end of May, don't turn the calendar over to the next month.
That way you can look at the calendar each daya and say

'Umm...I'm due for a bit of ravaging'

Champagne Heathen said...

Good plan Rev! Although, maybe I'll turn it back to April on May 31st, so as to have a day's break before restarting the whole month again!!

Actually, EXCELLENT plan Rev! The rest of my life is going to be May 007.

Revolving Credit said...

May 007 ??

You planning to shag James Bonds whole year...well, good luck there Miss Horny Penny!!

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - May is winter - nice time for shnuggle sex :)
Loving Rev's plan. In fact change your calenda for May now!

Kate said...

I'm a virgo. I normally try and claim Libra, because I'm one day off, but sadly, I am a virgo. and a disgrace to nit-picking, control-freak virgos the world over - actually, now that I think about it: does anyone actually know anyone who fits their star sign??!

Peas on Toast said...

Howdy Kate!
Happy happy new year to you dearie.

There's some things I believe in: like Virgos are one of the most astute star signs in the zodiac. :)

The rest may just be piffle really. ;)

other-duke said...

I can't believe people read that star sign crap... AND believe it (Peas, Ant, i'm talking about you).

Way to go letting someone that works at a gossip mag determine your life and instil irrational fears.

It's SO 1998. It went out with VHS

Welcome back everyone!! Happy New Year, Compliments, all that jazz! ;)

Jam said...

I'm an Aries. Please don't shag me. Personally, Leo's rule.

Hoops said...

hey peas,

i hate to admit it, but until 2 months ago, i was the epitomy of a true virgoan- a complete control freak, a neat addict and a health nut to boot. i even did yoga. Regularly.

But, I can now happily report that I have bucked all these virgoan trends and am quite contentedly leading the life of a sloth- an inebriated, penny-less, lazy-ass sloth... that just happens to be living in paradise!!

by-the-by, i couldn't get an email through to you last week, so check out my blog for the rather lengthy chronicles of a caribbeanchicken!! all my news resides there...
xxx

Peas on Toast said...

O-D - Happy New Year too my dear! Yes, I am an insatiable fan of the horoscopes - shameful! :)

Jam - But I wanna shag you babe. Just kidding. ;)

Caribean - hola ma chiqua! OK, am going to ctach up on all your delightful sounding slothness and caribbeaness today! Can I come over and live with you babe? YOur life sounds fucking perfect right now. :)