Peas: I bet you it’ll be like last year. Let me guess…We’ll be insolvent, our lovers will leave us for other women, and our careers will collapse and we’ll turn to crack for support.
The Ant: Let’s see…Saturn is itching to lick your clit.
Peas: Oh go on.
The Ant: No for real dude.
The Ant: Love. We’ll have strange infatuations, and these will astonish even our most open-minded friends.
Peas: Oh God. I’m going to fall in love with Nataniel aren’t I?
The Ant:…and a larger than life ex makes an appearance and won’t go away.
Peas: Oh fuck. I wonder who that could be?
The Ant: This is a year for personal growth.
Peas: Fuck that! Bugger personal growth, I’m over that shit. I had enough personal growth last year! I knew it would be bad. Something bad’s going to happen to us, I just know it.
The Ant: We want our lovers to wash their totty’s lots.
The Ant: It says “you’ll flaunt your foxy side in the bedroom if the sheets are freshly starched and he’s freshly scrubbed.”
Peas: Oh. Well there is something wonderful about fresh sheets….
[cue censored talk about
The Ant: We should shag a fiery Aries for a dynamic, passionate and devilish time.
Peas: My mother’s an Aries.
The Ant: Bugger.
Peas: I know. I personally prefer Taureans right now.
The Ant: Don’t sign new contracts in February, October, March, July and November.
Peas: Great. So like practically the whole year.
The Ant: Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.
Peas: Fuck. People are about to screw us over.
The Ant: You’re being paranoid. Or are you? Shit. That’s not good. We mustn’t invest in August.
The Ant: We’re the health nuts of the zodiac.
Peas: Well we all know that’s not true.
The Ant: You eat more salads, but add variety to your diet.
Peas: If variety is junk food and Tequila Sunrises, then I’m already there.
The Ant: You’re tempted to adopt an extreme exercise routine and…
Peas: [wahahahahaha] stop stop, you're cracking me up.
The Ant…you eat healthily, but remember not to deprive yourself Virgo.
Peas: [tears of mirth running down face] ok, well now I know this is all a pile of pants [wahahahahahaha]
The Ant: You’re right.
Peas: Oh and look we share a star sign with Gareth Cliff and Beyonce, wahahahahaha.
The Ant: Wonderful role models.
Peas: And Nicole Richie…this is not looking good.
The Ant: It also says that Libra is going to get pregnant! Fuck!
Peas: Why is that a worry?
The Ant: The Gilb is a Libra!
Peas: Dude, he hasn’t got fallopian tubes.
The Ant: Yes, but in House there was a guy who got pregnant.
The Ant: Oh and Taurus…sex looks set to satisfy.
Peas: Well that’s nice.
The Ant: His downfall is sloth and over-indulgence.
Peas: Interesting. Sounds more like me.