Wednesday, January 24, 2007

patch blues

Two or three months ago I got onto the contraceptive patch.
For the first three weeks, I was under the impression that this bumper sticker on my bottom was everything it promised to be.
No more excruciating period pains, I could indulge in condom-free shagging, I didn’t have to take a pill everyday.

That was then. This is now. You see, PMS for usually women goes something like this:
Little things tick them off. Grumpiness manifests into Psycho Bitch From Hell at the flick of a switch. Any small thing becomes a fuck-off al grandé thing. She suddenly hates her boyfriend because he told her she looks more flattering in the pants, not the dress. She suddenly hates her parents because they allowed her to be born. On a general scale, women during PMS behave a snitch more emotional, a snitch more irrational, (…) bordering on the tempestuous. For maybe four days out of the month.

I wish.

That was Peas Sans Patch. Peas With Patch inherently needs Prozac.
Something was horribly wrong.

It’s sometimes very hard being a woman, have you know. Hard for her and all those around her. It can be a real bitch being a bitch. This weekend, I was so depressed for the entirety of two days, I really didn’t know what to do with myself.

It all started at Linden Cycles on Saturday morning. I began crying in a bloody bicycle shop, where Smoking Legs and I were looking for brake calipers for the bike he is sooping up for me. I stared forlornly at bike shit and burst into tears. He dropped me at home and carried on the brake caliper mission alone, so that I could brew in my bubble of discontent in the safety of my apartment. Out of the public eye.

What happened over roughly 48 hours of Patch Induced PMS:

1) I cried during Herbie: Fully Loaded. A movie about a supersonic Beetle, not a movie about a thespian tragedy.
2) I cried while reading American Pyscho. Well he did kill a dog, which induced compulsive wailing.
3) I cried about the circumference of my thighs.
4) I cried about my wardrobe and having nothing to wear, which we all know is untrue.
5) I cried about my hair. (I am having a Bad Hair Life, and this is something I have chosen to accept, not cry about for as long as I live)
6) I cried about what I did wrong in my past relationships
7) I cried about if I'm good enough for anybody
8) I cried about the fact that Chad escaped twice from his cage this weekend and didn’t try to run away but rather sat chilling under my pile of handbags.
9) I cried about the said handbags.
10) I cried about my creative flair. Or lack thereof, following a bad bout of writer’s block post-holiday. With creative flair comes creative angst.
11) And when C and K came over for tea and cheered me up momentarily, I cried after they left.

My self-confidence was shot. I felt clumsy, pathetic, dumb, ugly, needy. That’s a lot to deal with there – and usually I’d never doubt myself so much. So this isn’t ordinary. I fully blame the butt sticker that’s pumping hormones into my blood stream. I feel much better today, even though the sense of forboding as I woke up this morning persists: meetings, meetings, meetings.

I have peeled it off and won’t be wearing one again.
Back to boring old moodiness and flaring up over nothing, thank you very much.


Champagne Heathen said...

Peas, I reckon it is January & post-holiday hangover/ losers. Like we waited out for spring & good things came along your way, just wait out this month.

I am not even on a patch, AND don't even require one, and I'm identifying with all you said. It has to just be the 1st month after a crazy '06 & before the commencement of a great '07.

And your outfit on Saturday was gorgeous. So just keep wearing that for the rest of the month till you can think calmly again.

*Hugs* & a Thai Green Curry homemade Meal.

Jam said...

I can either be a PMS bitch of note or the most depressed person on the history of the planet.
Crying over Herbie is extreme. Get help. Get rid of the patch and go back to the pill. Or just get something like the loop and then you won't have to take a pill every day.

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Champers that is so sweet of you to say. Saturday I had losers for many other reasons as well (which some I think you know of), but I hope you're right - it's January and holidays are a million miles away.

I hope you feel better too my dear - it's been a lonnnnng month hasn't it?

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - it's insane isn't it?? Nope I've decided no more oral contraceptives at all! Perhaps the loop is worth looking at - two of my mates have a loop and it has worked well for them it seems. xx

kyknoord said...

Wow. Looks like you're going through a rough - um - patch. By the way, my hair also makes me cry. Come to think of it, so does Linday Lohan.

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - your hair is way cooler than mine. :)

Elle said...

Maybe you weren't crying because of the storyline in Herbie. Maybe it was because of how LiLo has just let herself go... hehehe

Peas on Toast said...

Elle - La Lohan, I must say, I just don't get the hype. Perhaps it's her bedroom repertoire?

Elle said...

Indeed. it's a trend with these young celebs. In the words of Pink "push my bra like..." hehehe

Antoine said...

There are days I thank God I am a man. After reading this, it is one of those days.

Hot Pink Flush said...

Hey Peas? I totally identify! I'm like this off the hormones... and I have the skin problems of a particularly bad 14 year old, but thanks to a chronic bout of emobolism, I ain't allowed anywhere near hormones... so..PMS, pain, depression, moodiness, bad skin, etc etc etc,

Oh babe... wish i could say it gets better,.. but sometimes lifes not a bitich, its a bastard!

Peas on Toast said...

Elle - indeed. Pink is a scream, I can like her. :)

Antoine - you got it. Yesterday I wanted to be a man too.

Hot pink - hello my dear! I'm glad I'm not the only one feeling like life is a bastard..phew! (You know what they say about misery loving company...) THanks babe.

boldly benny said...

Shame doll, I can identify - a few years back I was on an extremely volatile does of the pill. I am quite a happy person but the meds made me loopy.
Bad - I could lock myself in my room and sob for hours.
Worse - I picked up 8kgs on it which gave me more reason to wallow in my depression.
Just damn ugly - I had no clue that the pill could have this kind of effect on me so I really thought I was depressed, ugly and terrible.
I got rid of it and got a new pill and couldn't be happier.
Tons of strength to you and at least you know it's the patch and know what to do.

Peas on Toast said...

Boldly - hectic, and thanks for helping me out here: I am not alone! In my little bubble of sadness!

The patch hasn't made me pick up wieght, although Christmas was very good to me :(.
But I feel like shit, and getting to grips with a new year feeling like a bottom feeder isn't going to work for me.
So yip - away with the patch! x

The Lush said...

Peas thank God I am not alone! Those bloody patches nearly pushed me over the edge. I too cried over everything and nothing.

They are Satan, they just look so small and harmless. Don't be fooled they are EVIL! Well done one breaking away from them. Probably the most worthwhile decision you've made this week. ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Lush - no babe, thank God for people like you dollface! The patch is Satan - wwooooohooooo, I knew it!
You have helped me seal the coffin on this little bugger Lush, thank you. xx

muddlepuddle said...

Peasypoo do not forget babe:
1)you are so hot the paparazzi hunts you
2)you have a superb collection of shoes
3)and handbags
4)you're a gangsta
5)you have a fan club (like an akshooowal one)
6)apparently you even look cute with a blue 'tache
7) your roommate is an itye
8)your ex's are dating uglier girls than you and they know it (if they aren't it's inevitable they will be)

I could go on....but I don't wanna make you cry. :)
We all go thru it honeypuff - I generally find wollies fudge brownie ice crea alleviates the need to wobble!

muddlepuddle said...

not wollies..because I don't actually know a wollie....

W O O L I E S.


Peas on Toast said...

Muddle - I love you. Will you marry me?
I'll take you on honeymoon and everything.

Insane Insomniac said...

oh Peas! PMS is something we can revel in, in a wierd sort of way. We actually have a valid excuse to be off our heads once a month without having to be on a permanent routine of anti depressants.
I tend to wallow in self pity myself when the PMS sets in. Sit at home, get drunk, write bad poetry and listen to angry chick rock. And i don't need a therapist to tell me why.

muddlepuddle said...

Oh god I thought you would never ask!
Ok you can take me on honeymoon if I can pay???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! And we go to either Zanzibar, Caymans or Thailand!
Ooooohhh oooohhh here's an idea to make you feel better have a beach house party where you can sip cocktails out of pineapples!! Like a whole Peas Gets Her Groove Back!

Peas on Toast said...

Insane - you do that too? Bad poetry? You should see mine. Something like:
Please will my period start
Please will my period start
If it doesn't soon
I'm gonna kill somebody

Muddly - let's you and I get outta here. I heard there's a cheap deal to the Seychelles. Keen?

muddlepuddle said...

The most ever keen babe

Jam said...

For a day or two last week I was:
Please will my period start
Please will my period start
If it doesn't soon
I'm in big shiiiiiiiiiittteeee

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - LOL.

Champagne Heathen said...

Hmmmm... And mine...

Please can my period start
Please can my period start
If it doesn't soon
That angel gabriel has A LOT of explaining to do!

Peas on Toast said...

Lol Champs - you planning to give birth to Jesus? :)

Champagne Heathen said...

I did always know I was destined for great things. I just didn't read the signs right till now - jewish heritage, abstinence training, having to accept a room above my parents' garage, the recent comet in the sky.

Now I just need 3 shepards to pitch up on my doorstep & a hairy guy called Joseph to want me to ride his donkey.

Hmmmm....this is quite a mood enhancing thought actually.

Antoine said...

Could be you were just going through a bad patch!

( I am suprised no-one else was willing to let loos with that weak one)

Urk said...

PMS : Peas Must Slaughter

Dick said...

No warts, no patches, (you'll have to tan that spot though to remove the bloch-i-ness)no patch induced emotional hang-ups. You'll almost be like a guy ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - Let's hope your little Joseph let's you ride his donkey kong. :)

Urk - That's right. Watch your back boy. :)

Antoine - Indeed why not?

Dick - And wouldn't you be the luckiest person in the world if that were true.

C said...

aaah punk, sounds like we may have to do a sneaky jolly drink, or f-off cocktail somewhere to cheer you up

Peas on Toast said...

C - Now you're talking Poen. Wednesday?

Daedalus said...

Thank the gawds I am male ;)

Revolving Credit said...

1) I cried during Herbie.
If you owned a R1m Ferrari and got beaten by a 1962 Beetle, you would cry
2) I cried while reading American Pyscho.
Why, are you a 'hardbody'? Are you next?
3) I cried about the circumference of my thighs.
Please post pic for appropriate comment
4) I cried about my wardrobe
Yes, trying to choose one garment out of 2387 can be stressful
5) I cried about my hair.
It wasn't real hair, just a permanent marker moustache.Chill.
6) I cried about what I did wrong in my past relationships
Unless you actually murdered someone, you're ok.(you didn't, did you??)
7) I cried about if I'm good enough for anybody
Apparently you're too good for anybody. Get multiple partners and spread the love
8) I cried about the fact that Chad escaped twice from his cage this weekend and didn’t try to run away but rather sat chilling under my pile of handbags.
Be proud, not everyone has a fashion conscious rat.
9) I cried about the said handbags.
Because you know they now belong to Chad
10) I cried about my creative flair. Or lack thereof.
You're a Kareoke Raver Gangsta Bunny...people round you need to be highly creative just to keep up
11) And when C and K came over for tea and cheered me up momentarily, I cried after they left.
Thats cause you guys drank tea, not jagers.

Peas on Toast said...

Classic Rev. I have no words, just smiles.

PS: the ex's remains are in a jar next to Chad's cage... ;)

Urk said...

ja..the poor ex's. it was a stormy night. they unfortunately wore the ill matched combination of fake Biesel jeans from thailand, red crocs, hawaiian print shirts, brown faux ostrich shoes and a white belt. She was mad - the PMS made her woozy in the head. something had to be done. they ended up in a jar for their sins.

Anonymous said...

Something to cheer you up!

Storm said...

have some cookie dough ice cream an demand a little bit of tlc from Smoking legs...i'm sure he'll be only too happy to oblige!
at least you have proper excuse...i've been getting upset and teary eyed all day, and i don't use the patch and goodness knows it's definitely not pms!
good luck vicka!

Inyoka said...

A neighbouring farmer in Zim had a wife and FOUR daughters.

Poor bugger.

karaoke queen said...

My friend tried wearing on for a whole 3 months. She said it was hell.