Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Oh my crikey

Dad arrives, with my uncle in tow, today. He is in my city, ready to turn my life upside down for the next few days. So any peaceful reclusiveness spent under my duvet or at the bottom of a booze bottle, has been quashed. He flies in (in his metal fying micro-capsule) this afternoon.
Help.

His reasons for visiting jogged my memory to a conversation we had a year or two ago. This is directly within firing range of the chaos he is causing around himself today. He is on fire. The conversation we had a while back goes:

Dad: I have discovered the merits of internet dating. I can screen them first too. They have to send me pictures before I comply.
Peas: So just how many women are you dating at the moment Dad?
Dad: Eight.
Peas: Right. And do they all know each other, or at the very least, about each other?
Dad: No.
Peas: Right.
Dad: One is coming out from Germany next week to meet me.
Peas: Oh God Dad, is she staying with you? Do you realise she’ll never leave? It’s happened to one of my friends before.
Dad: Nah, she’ll have to. One lady friend of mine said she’s thinking of getting her hystorectomy reversed. So if she finds out about the German, I’m a dead man.
Peas: Perhaps tell Hystorectomy that you’re just friends?
Dad: Not possible. She’s coming out from London next week to show me.
Peas: You’re in shit street Dad. This is going to blow up, and it isn’t going to be pretty.
Dad: Peas, one has to date casually before one settles down.
Peas: You’re 53.
Dad: Yeah on that…do you think 30 is too young for me? There’s a nice one here from Durban.
Peas: It’s never stopped you before. Let’s try to forget how you’ve charfed my mates before.
Dad: True…maybe I’ll ring her up.
Peas: Maybe you should host a tea party and invite all of them together.
Dad: Jesus! No way.
Peas: I was joking. Dad.
Dad: Anyway, gotta run…I have a date at the coffee shop over the road in 5 minutes.
Peas: What you up to tonight?
Dad: Dates. Everywhere. Dates, dates, dates. Everywhere I look, there’s a date. Better start writing down who’s who in my diary.
Peas: Yeah, you wouldn’t want to fuck up with a ‘Hello Denise,’ when her name is actually Cheryl.
Dad: Shit, I think I’ve already done that.

In other news, I cheered up immensely yesterday after Smoking Dick took me suprise ice skating. ("Surprise!") No seriously. We've been going through a tough time lately, so it was nice to do something we enjoy together. It's important that we find common ground in our interests, and we've always enjoyed a good ice slicing together. It was a gas, especially since we had the whole rink to ourselves.

48 comments:

storm said...

you remind me how lucky i am to have normal, happily married and ever so slightly conservative parents!!!! thank goodness:-)

sounds like you had fun...really glad:-) good luck for the day, it's chooseday after all, the longest and shittiest day of the week!
chin up!

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Storm. Yip, my parents are anything but. Makes me worry what I'm going to be like one day. :)
Dad's in town...the world stops turning!

It is the question said...

I see it's been simplified to "Smoking Dick."

As we all suggested.

Good to hear to had a good time.

IITQ

It is the question said...

Fark.

Good to hear you had a good time.

kyknoord said...

Eight? Your dad's living the dream (assuming, of course, that we're talking about a sitcom writer's fever-dream here)

Revolving Credit said...

Any of you bloggers out there wanna date Peas's Dad?? - lets see if we can all help him improve his batting average.

(Here's a thought, any bloggers out there wanna be Peas's step-mom??...hahaha)

storm said...

uhm rev...much as i enjoy her blog, i don't wanna do the stepmom thing.....besides i'm younger than peas...wouldn't that be hillarious...LOL

plus i don't do way older men and previously married ones.....too much baggage!

Peas on Toast said...

IITQ - thanks dear. It helped a lot.

Kyknoord - Isn't he just?

Rev - oyyoyoi. Firstly, I'm not sure what kind of step daughter I'd make for my dad. This person would need severe patience, mainly to deal with dad though. :)

Peas on Toast said...

Storm - sensible answer my girl. :)

Jam said...

Your dad's onto a good thing here. If you want to Internet Date. It can work, but it can also be ridiculously confusing. Did you ask him was his criteria were?

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - he LOVES it hey. He's met some amazing women over the last couple of years too. Also, he's not into going to pick up women in bars and stuff, so it works for him it seems. Nope, haven't asked him what his profile reads or his 'profile name'. It would freak me out completely.

Revolving Credit said...

All I can say is : Air Hostess

a)They like flying
b)They'll serve you while you fly (this one has potential??)
c)They're only in town for a brief 'lay over'
d)If you schedule it right, you can date lots of them just as long as only one is in town at any given time.


(still thinking of more benefits, there has to be some)

Hot Pink said...

Hey Peas?
Ever heard that song Whats The Matter With Parents Today? by NoFX? Yeah...google the lyrics...something tells me you might relate.

I had a similar problem with my mom when I moved back home for a short while. Conversation (on the cell phone) went something like this:
Pink: Mom? Where are you?
MommiePink: Oh Pink, the Brazillians down the road are teaching me to do the Limbo. It's faaabulous.
Pink: but Mom? it's 2am! And it's a school night! you have a business to run!
mommiePink: this is networking my love. I'm making business connections!
Pink: ?
mommiePink: Even the Mexican cultural attache is here!
Pink: well ok. I'll leave the downstairs light on for you. But please don't drive yourself home...

So, Peas, what say we hook our parents up? My mom's 60ish but doesnt look a day over 40-something! And she has a more active social life than I do. One small problem..that divorce between her and my pops? er...it's never really gone through. But since daddie dearest never leaves the house, I dont see how this is a problem...

storm said...

rev, sounds like you've done this before???
i guess its like us girls dating band dudes, as long as you don't get too attached....they travel a lot, spoil a lot and usually they're quite handsome. not that i'd know or anything...just what i heard from uhm...other people:-)

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - If one could fit an air hostess into his plane, then this is indeed a feasible idea. ;)

Hot pink - perfect! His thing for younger women (and I mean in their 30s and 40s) can be rapidly squashed. I think and older women would do my dad the world of good. He's 55 now.

Storm - you lucky, lucky girl!

Revolving Credit said...

I will keep a lookout for hobbit air hostesses for your dad!

Insane Insomniac said...

Parents dating. Dodgy, yet if done properly, not so dodgy.
My mom is living with a guy who i used to work for while i was in high school.
My dad just got married (again) and not even a month in they're fighting.
Let's take a lesson from our parents - stay single.

Champagne Heathen said...

Damn. You wrote that comment just as I was about to ask how I would fair as your Step-Mom?

So no hopes for me then.

Although your dad is not completely my type...he isn't foreign after all! ;)

storm said...

he he.....i could always share some number if you want peas:-)

jaa, parents dating just kinda sounds soooo wrong, don't it? well considering my home situation..it just sounds way off track.

insane, sometimes i would like to believe in the good of people, the world and love, but looking at my blog at the moment, i hafta admit....it doesn't always go as planned:-(

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - thanks Rev. I want to see you running around with a large net in which to scoop them up!

Insane - oh yes. My mum's remarried and it's bliss - to the point where they act like teenagers around each other - and my dad still searching after a messy divorce, running off with his mistress and then getting back into dating. He was a bad boy, so he's going to have to shape up.

Champs - Nope. Unless you call foreign a man brought up colonial style in the heady hills of Kloof in Natal... (Kloof, not Klewif, btw. ;)

Storm - around my dad, no matter how fucked up my dating situations are, I always come across as conservative. ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Champs, did you just, by proxy, come-on to Peas's father??

He's daughter is kinda French, doesn't that count for something??

Peas on Toast said...

This is getting wierd.

storm said...

i agree!!!! you guys are really messing up peas' innocence...tee hee

Revolving Credit said...

Why?? Do you feel weird being Champs's French Connection?

Peas on Toast said...

OK, let's make this awkward for you for a change Rev - how about you and Champers, huh huh?

Revolving Credit said...

You want us both to date your father??? WTF???

Champagne Heathen said...

Rev, his french'ness, by way of an ex-wife & daughter, would have to be discussed in length of a candle lit dinner, in a quiet french bistro, over frogs' legs, champagne, and that rich smooth delicious french choc dessert. Mmmmm.

(Peas, NOW it is getting weird!)

As for Rev & me - I have even shown him pictures of my puppies and yet he still shows no interest. And they are CUTE puppies!

Revolving Credit said...

Champs are we talking puppies or ankle-biters?

storm said...

now guys...play nice!!!

Rev, don't ever post derogatory comments regarding someone's pets...that's a really low blow

DaveRich said...

My dad is doing the same thing, but in Nelspruit, has about 4 girlfriends that don't know about each other. Small communities man, not gonna take long before they lynch him...

Revolving Credit said...

Storm - read Champs post and comment from yesterday to gain clarity on my comments. We do tend to extend conversations across blogs.

Champagne Heathen said...

Ja, don't stress Storm, Rev knows better than to ever be derogatory to me. I'm a silent partner in many ventures of his, such as Stalker 101 books etc. (Our comments also extend over months, as well as blogs. We JUST manage to keep up, so how others do, I would NEVER know.)

Rev - I don't like this new definition for the puppies. It makes me have to think too hard to twist a sentence in elusiveness. (I think I just admitted defeat. Fck.)

storm said...

thanx rev - *huge gigantic bright light flasing above head*

Revolving Credit said...

Champs, just to give you some room to move, we shall henceforth refer to them as your 'Nibblers'.

Happy??

Champagne Heathen said...

Ak, no. Maybe not that. I just had an image of my puppies nibbling at...well, my puppies. *Shudder*. ...Peas, please can we go back to talking about your eligible bachelor dad???!!!

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, is your dad a nibbler?
(see Champs comment for definition of activity)

Shit, just a thought, Peazel, is your mom still reading your blog???

muddlepuddle said...

Ok funny funny funny! But mostly happy happy happy that u cheered up a little :)

Champagne Heathen said...

OOooo a nibbler!!
....uh...sorry, Mrs On Toast. It just blurted out of my mouth. Really. I am a good clean innocent young girl. Your daughter will not be led astray by hanging around such an upstanding citizen as me.

Oooo, upstanding. Sorry. Blurted out again.

Peas on Toast said...

DaveRich - Yay! OK so then you would totally understand. ;) Thanks for your link below by the way, will take a look.

Champs - I have a daughter??

Rev - On occasion she does. Let's hope not today though.

Revolving Credit said...

**innocent smile**

Good day Mrs Mommy-on-Toast!

(just in case)

Champagne Heathen said...

It took me ages to work out what you were on about there...surely you are MISS or MS On Toast, and your mom is therefore Mrs On Toast. Or was. But I don't know what her new surname is.

Revolving Credit said...

New surname = ' On Rye'

Champagne Heathen said...

ha ha ha!

Shortypam said...

your dad is a hoot!!!! so is this like a mid life crisis thing or has he always been like this?

Champagne Heathen said...

Where has Peas gone??
Rev, see, I reckon Mrs On Rye was reading and has told Peas to not respond any further & stop hanging around with "that bad crowd".

Revolving Credit said...

Mrs On-Rye sent Peas to her room???

Billy said...

classic dad tales. love em.

Peas on Toast said...

:)