Monday, March 12, 2007

my ass is burnin'

So, yesterday the god(s) of the sky eschewed upon my lowly bottom, what my version of Hell is to be. The vision was flung before my eyes on the last 200 metre stretch of Suikerbossie - a seemingly sweetly named bush hill - that is in fact, so godawful and so misplaced (for one is tired and aching like a bitch by this stage) - it is Hell incarnate.

The only thing that would make it more of Hell - for there are nine levels of Hell, so says philosopher and doomsdayer Dante - would be having three cytotoxic snakes strung around my neck, and a Black Widow spider sipping hungrily from my jugular. Or maybe also having my uvula cut out so that I couldn't sing karaoke anymore.

I digress.

The Argus was the toughest, most enduring, physical thing my fat ass has ever had to do in it's modest little life.
I am alive! I am really alive! Dead and slightly crippled, but alive - and the sea salt of the Cape Peninsula continues to tickle my unseen-and-discreetly hidden nasal hairs once more. Although the smell of dead fish, pouring in from Ocean View, doesn't smell so scintillating - truth be told.

The day started extremely badly. My tube burst on the way to the train, and then, after changing it in the train again. Before the race even started. I cried from Kalk Bay to Steenberg believing I wasn't to finish this thing because of my fuck-off irritating bike. Some kind grandpa handed me tissues with which to dry my eyes.

I got it fixed, and at 10:30 - practically mid-day I was sailing down Hospital Bend, through Lakeside, Muizenberg, Fish Hoek and onto Smitswinkel....then my gears conked in. The lever would not go out of low - slow - gear. I had to hold it down all the way to the top, and now have a gargantuan bruise on my hand, and can only communicate through jerky movements and a twitch now, which my family and boyfriend find amusing and pitiful at the same time.

Most of the race was ridden in low gear - can I tell you how fucking difficult that is? Up those hills at snails pace and tremendous friction - fuck me, I think I dropped an ovary it was so traumatic.
I managed 4 hours 55. I am proud. Had I had gears, I wouldn't be so happy, but hey.

I started seeing little black dots in front of my eyes in Sea Point, and in a state of delirium - swerving all over the road, and big tears running down my sunburnt cheeks and frightfully red nose - ate a squished Bar One - but smeared most of it all over my face - so when my proud mother and Dick saw me at the Finish - I looked like I'd spent a day in a chocolate factory, rather than on an enduring cycle race.

So today it's hard to walk, and it feels like I've had sex maybe 8 000 times in the last 24 hours, which I really haven't.

I'm taking it slow and hope to now find a large bottle of alcohol to stop the thudding downstairs.
Then maybe swim in frightfully cold Fish Hoek sea, like I did the other day.
Myabe I'll go buy a cane at that Antique Shop - feeling 80 years old? Maizewell look the part...


Antoine said...

Congrats on actually finishing the race.

Now for the worst part of no nookie for a week -*chuckle*-

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Antoine - yip, if the man can pry my legs open from their catatonically paralysed state, sure. But these gates are closed for now.

other-duke said...

It's not about the bike

kabintsimbi said...

But you finished...that's fantastic! Congratulations.

The image of you with the chocolate on your face, riding through the finish = priceless! Brilliant Peas!

As someone who doesn't know you & not wanting to sound odd, I'm proud of you! Well done. I guess I will be feeling like you after the Two Ocean's half marathon in a month...fuck I'm poeping in my panties!

Well done though...

OD: haha, good chirp!

Revolving Credit said...

"..and can only communicate through jerky movements and a twitch now.."

So as long as you're not having to use sign language to engage a deaf person in conversation, you're OK?

Jam said...

well done, blue ass.

jon said...

congratulations peas, I watched on telly for maybe 5 minutes. It looked to be fairly strenuous :)

Champagne Heathen said...

Congrats mad woman!!

GoDsGiMp said...

Thats so weird I posted a comment this morning but I don't see it here.

Anyway it went something like; Congrats, well done!

Unfortunately I was sick on the couch so couldn't make it to suikerbossie to cheer. But all my friends went, so hopefully thru them you got a cheer.

Katie Possum said...

wow! pretty impressive finishing after all the extra obstacles, not to mention the big f*ck-off hills and stuff.

Well done, you!

Insano said...

Rather you than me.
But congrats!!!! Well Done!! Now to get ready for next year!

Peas on Toast said...

O-D - Oh yeah? ;)

Kab - Thanks babe, and good luck for the Two Oceans - I'd never in a million years be able to do that! So best of luck xx

Rev - Other than the twitch and the lazy eye, I'm ok. :)

Jam- thanks, rosy cheeks. :)

Jon - thanks dear, oh it was, it was! :)

Champs - thanks m'dear! I am mad. Now it's for certain. ;)

Godsgimp - thanks, I saw your comment yesterday and looked out for you - although I haven't the foggiest who I was looking for!

Katie - thanks dollface, I feel a rather large sense of achievement, even though I can hardly walk. :)

Insane - It's funny you say that - I am already thinking about the next one. This cycliing thing is addictive I tell you!

ThomG said...

Ah, yes, finishing a race (sore backside in tow) has to be one of the most satisfying things. But if you're going to stay at it, Peas, get a new bike. Yours sounds like it is seriously possessed.

Candice said...

Well done, Peas! If you're feeling like an 80-year-old, Fish Hoek's the right place to be. And don't complain about the cold water - take a morning swim with the other octagenarians on the beach - just be careful of the great whites...

The Granny Wrangler said...

Peas what did i tell you about the size of those hungry fishies in False Bay??

Anonymous said...

So very well done Peas. I've been reading your blog for some time (voted for you as well) and when you said you would do the 94.7 I thought - Well, she will never make it. And you did. And now the Argus - you've got it girl. Spare a thought for me - went down all the way from Klerksdorp (Yes there is a place like that in SA) by car, got everything prepared, race number pinned on, carbo loaded, spare tubes, iPod loaded - then woke the morn of the race with flu..... SHIT!!!

hatter said...

I looked for Peas on toast but all I saw were people on bicycles (please ignore my sense of humour- I took some of that vile-energy-goo before tackling chappies and I think its permanently affected my brain)

Anyway, well done! See you next year!

kyknoord said...

You do realise that if your ass was actually fat, instead of streamlined & shapely, it wouldn't have been better equipped to shake off the slings and arrows of the Argus.

Hot Pink Flush said...

Well, everyone is being helluva polite.

I for one am mad proud of you, lady.

I cannot believe in less than a year you have gone from excercise-phobic to riding that fricken monster race.

Part of me wants to jump up and cheer and the other part is terrified itmight happen to me someday *shivver*

Peaches said...

Good work dolla on the Argus.

Crisis.I felt tired and emotionally drained just reading about the ex-girlfriend drop in (wtf?), burst tyre, low-gear and squashed Bar One!

Nessers said...

I agree with most people here you seem to need a new bike. If you can't afford one get your present one a really good service - they do them at cycle shops and it costs aroung R400. Excellent time for your first Argus - will there be a 2nd?

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks guys!

Even through this exhaustion, and not 24 hours later, I'm proud to say: I'd do it again in a heartbeat!

Thanks for all your compliments guys. And yes - next mission: new bike! :)

lopz said...

It reminds me in equal measures why I loved it so much the times I have finished it, and why I'll never do it again! Well done on finishing, that's what counts. :-)