Thursday, March 15, 2007

PMS

Straight from the bitch’s mouth:

Am I not lovable? [wail wail wail], I even tried to look nice, and he didn’t so much as look at me! There must be something wrong with me. I must be an ugly, fat, whining cry baby. Well look at me! [wail wail wail] I am a..[gasp]…[sob] ugly, fat, cry baby who is worthless to everyone…no wait! Fuck that! That bastard must be blind if he can’t see how lovable I…

Get out of way fuckbreath driver!
Learn. To. Use. The. Fudging. Clutch.….it’s called an INDICATOR. Fucking Joburg drivers.
If he doesn’t appreciate me, fine, I don’t care. I’ll probably end up alone…forever…anyway. [waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! I’m such a failure!]
If my co-worker taps his fucking pencil against the desk one more time...I mean, am I not good enough? God, would my period just come already? I’m more bloated than the Michelin Man after 5 000 Cornish Pasties…I’M FAT.
Why hasn’t my friend/lovah/mother phoned me lately? What, am I invisible?

[waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!] OK Mr Taxi Driver, you wanna play hardball? [presses ferociously on hooter and holds it there for five Mississippi seconds] I should’ve known you were going to cut in front of me Mr Hi-Ace-Minibus-Stuck-Together-With-Duct-Tape Person, you always do, why am I so surprised? FUCK.
Nobody loves me. Maybe my parents, but that’s it. And they have to love me, they’re forced to. Oh My God. They’re forced to love me. That’s not love, that’s duty! [waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!] So actually nobody loves me, except maybe Lucas the security guard, but even then he has a strange way of showing it.
Justin my first boyfriend who told me he loved me when I was seven. But that’s only because I grew my hair long from the bowl haircut my mother insisted on giving me since I was a toddler. She wanted me to look like an idiot! Why would she put a Tupperware over my head and cut around it otherwise?

OK, DJ Fresh, enough talking already. All I hear is blah blah blah – this is meant to be a music radio station for chrissakes. You just go on and on and on and on and on…Oh great. Just great. I have a giant zit right in between my eyes. Three Eyes. Like a mutant alien from the battleship fucking Gataca.…Ooooh leftover Prawn Foo Yong...

…[munch munch munch]….


PMS from the man’s point of view:

She seems tense, moody. Oh Jesus. Why is she crying again? So I neglected to ask her what she wanted from this [overpriced] menu first. Or maybe I didn’t pull out her chair. Big. Deal. So I told her the truth about my ex girlfriend being sensationally hot – what does she want me to do, lie? She’s sulking, so I left her alone, isn’t that what she wanted?
Talk about over-sensitive. I’m going to saw something in half with my new angle grinder. The beast comes with a 600cc rechargeable battery, so next time I go hiking with the boys I can take it along and saw off the edge of a rock…or maybe a tree…it also comes with three reloadable discs of variegating texture…total score…Ooh look her high heel…I could saw the heel off. Then she’ll really have something to cry about. It’s tempting… strychnine in my coffee…maybe I’ll go and kick a football around…yeah…

PS: Basically, everything that is only a slight irritation when not pre-menstrual turns into a gargantuan fuck-off disaster area when a woman is about to come on.
PPS: Just know that I love myself the other 21 days of the month, regardless of whether others do or not.

PPPS: I am so busted. Crusoe, my mate and new business partner - oh yes - posted a picture of my latest parking.
Pants.

33 comments:

ChewTheCud said...

jesus that a phuken horrible parking! It's like you've heard of these things called parking bays but never seen one before. You didn't need to do much parking in the cave obviously ;P

Peas on Toast said...

Chews - the scary thing is, the car parked next to me BEFORE this picture was taken parked like a vagina. Then he left, so I looked like the stupid chick driver. :)
Oh well....;0

Anonymous said...

Are you watching me? Do you have camera's in my house... Why did you describe my morning? How did you do that?... you are fucking incredible... is "PEAS ON TOAST" your super-hero name?

[suspicious looking around over my shoulders and looking at my cell phone for a "bug"]

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - ha ha! That was me, the woman in the bushes with the telephoto lens... :)
Sorry to share your pain dollface, and hope it gets better... x

ChewTheCud said...

ah - synchronised PMSing. Rather like synchronised swimming in a way, only with more bitch added ;)

Peas - so the car next to you was parked skeef? Hmmm.... something smells fishy... oh wait ;)

Betenoir said...

funniest PMS moment ever for me: crying at the "dad buying his kids a bicycle" ad on tv, wailing that "I don't have a daddy" and then exactly thirty seconds later (ie the next advert)smashing a coffe mug in fustration at some chauv washing powder ad.

my boyf at the time was terrified.

it makes you appreciate the other 3 weeks of sanity.

also: why do people only EVER mess with you when you have PMS? please explain.

PS You Are in no way fat! at all! so there!

Hot PInk Flush said...

Oh. My. God!

I so know what you mean!

No gimme an hour or two, then go read my post (in the process of being written) about the fact that my mother chose last night - mid-PMS and BFF's wedding stress - to lecture me about contraception and my sex-life. *waaaaaaaah* X like 5billion.

Peas on Toast said...

Chews - are you messin' with me big guy? ;)

Betenoir - You're so right! People only fuck with my head just before my period! WHY??GODWHY?
PS: I know I'm not fat-fat, thanks babe. But PMS defies all logic, and right now I'M FAT. :)

johnnyquarterback said...

PMS - Parking Maybe Skew but f*ck it I'm a woman! :-)

ChewTheCud said...

Heehee. Me? Mess with you? That doesn't sound right. Why would i mess with someone apparently so delusional she calls herself fat when she's almost at the point of scrawny ;P

Peas on Toast said...

Hot Pink - I'm so sorry luv! What a nightmare! Will read yours now, and lots and lots of sympathy hugs!
PS: We're all synchronised it seems...I almost feel sorry for the men around. Almost.

Peas on Toast said...

Johnny - lol. :) LOve the ti-ein.

Chews - scrawny? Now this is like....:)

other-duke said...

did someone say angle-grinder..

Revolving Credit said...

Nobody loves you?? So what is Chad, chopped liver??

You so over estimate men and how they think. Your man's view was totally off the mark. That's a woman's view of what a man's view SHOULD be.

MAN'S VIEW:

Uugg...she's in a kak mood, best I stay out the way. Oh.. there's cricket on tv. I'll just watch this till she calms down. How long in this World Cup..7 weeks? I'll just stay out the way till she's feeling better. I hope she's over it by the time the World cup is over. WOMEN!

RAT'S VIEW
Chopped liver, yum yum, yes please. We want liver, we want liver......!!

Peas on Toast said...

O-D: Powerdrill? ;)

Rev - Chad only loves me because I feed him. If I didn't feed him, he'd hate me, fickle bastard.

As for your man's view - it's pretty similar to mine I'd say. Just exchange angle grinder talk with world cup cricket talk. Right? ;)

GoDsGiMp said...

You know I got my code 10 license so I wouldn't need to do the parralel park in the test..

and I still park better than that..

:)

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, note that in my view the guys does not over think, actually he does not really think at all. Just watches cricket and drinks beer. Does not analysis, fantasize or scenario plan. No thoughts - just cricket & beer.!

Peas on Toast said...

Godsgimp - In France, that is considered an acceptable parking. :)

Here, I assume someone who'd just spilled battery acid on his lap would've done a better job...

Rev - Oh right, my bad! I forgot! Men don't think at all! They're inconsiderate, selfish pricks who just do. Sorry, I forgot their lives are goverened by their penises.

PS: This is not a blatant attack on you, promise.

Jam said...

*grunt*
;-)

Revolving Credit said...

Ergo, PMS turns women into Cruella de Ville and men into Homer Simpson.

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - "I'm going to postpone the dinner party, as I will be communicating through grunting noises and will problem thrust a spatula up somebody's rectum before the night is through.." ;)

Rev - Too true. Although Homer is a loving, if not stupid, family man. Who could hate him eh? ;)

Jam said...

uhuh.

The Granny Wrangler said...

ok the 16 stone 7yr old i saw on channel 4 last night was FAT. the rest of us, regardless of excess uterine buildup, are just 'squishy'. Bitchy, whiney and tearful, yes. But squishy.

Insano said...

Embrace the PMS Peas. Enjoy it! Use it!
Now is the best time to get what you want by using tears. Cos they're real. No one will fuck with a PMS'd woman. Unless they're a complete idiot...

Champagne Heathen said...

So if I handed you an axe, a really big knife to clentch between your teeth, and put you on a north-bound taxi, you might be able to sort out the world's little Zimbabwean crisis then?!?

Peas on Toast said...

Granny Wrangler - Now squishy I can do...

Insano - oh they real alright. The only time I really cry is during this week...sigh. :(

Champs - probably not, no. I heard I'm not allowed to wear camo in Zim.

Hot Pink Flush said...

hee hee *squishy* hee hee

i love that!

storm said...

champs...i could do that and i'm not even having pms.....people just piss me off in general today!!! you'd think they'd cut me some slack...i'm back at the office for the first time in 4 and a half weeks, i'm trying to cope with the change over from country to joburg...and i'm not doing a good job!

Peas on Toast said...

Storm - lots of hugs dollface. xx
PS: Can I suggest a holiday in Cancun? I'm looking at cheap flights as we speak....

kyknoord said...

Did someone say "Homer Simpson"? Mmmmmm... prawn foo yonnnnng.

storm said...

please please book me a ticket too!!!! thanx for the hugs...they helped:-) i love hugs!

Nessers said...

At the risk of having my comment stricken from the record - I never get PMS so I can't relate to you all. I have witnessed it however and I do feel sorry for the poor men attached to the women who do get it. Exercise ladies must be the key to not getting it and taking lots of vitamin suppliments cos that is all I do different to all my friends who do get it

Peas on Toast said...

Nessers - You lucky, lucky, lucky lady!