Thursday, May 17, 2007

the first

After a birthday drink with Moogs last night, I met up with my first boyfriend who is in town for a few days. He was my first 'serious' boyfriend who I was with at the end of matric and into my gap year.
I haven't seen him in years – maybe seven or eight years?
He is a super fellow, it was great to catch up with him.

But I'll never forget Paris.
He came to stay with me in France, and we decided to go for a long weekend to Paris to, you know. You know.

We thought Paris would be the perfect romantic setting for the first time. As two 18-year old virgins, we didn't have a fucking clue what we were doing.
It took about three hours to work out how to put the condom on.

I got it so wrong when it came to booking where we were going to stay. I stupidly didn't inquire about a double bed. So arrived to the perfect setting of single, steel bunk beds. A room the size of a closet.

Both nervous, we had a bottle of wine to quench the nerves.

Needless to say, after a few attempts, the condom broke and we headed to a pharmacy the next day, me in tears, him looking quite pale. I needed a morning after pill, oh desperado. Oh heavens above - suddenly, how overrated was this sex thing?
(“I'm never having sex ever again! (wail, sob), what the heck do we do now, I DON'T WANT A BABY, OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD.”)
Peas: (French still very shaky) Excusez-moi madam, est-ce que peut avoir le, um, pill?

She thought I was asking her for batteries.

Peas: Non non. You know les pills pour non bébé. (Wild gesticulations over stomach) No bébé!
Lady: Ah. Les Comprimés!(Hands me contraceptive pills)
Peas: Non non! It's too late for that. L'autre pill, comprimés. I do not want bébé, help, I am only dix-huit years old!

My boyfriend was skulking behind the disposable nappies looking like he was about to puke.

Just so you know, the morning after pill forces a woman to have a period straight away. It also makes you want to chunder for the rest of the day.

So Paris was a whole lot of romantic after that. Even strolling around the Louvre and going up the Eiffel Tower wasn't all that and a bag of chips.

Still, he was my first. We did the best we could. And, hey, at least he was my boyfriend, and not some bottom-feeder from a club in the back of a car somewhere after 8 000 Jaegerbombs.
We saw each other a bit travelling around Europe thereafter – randomly bumping into each other in Greece and Italy.
Looking back, it was hilarious. And perfect for two just-out-of-schoolers finding their way.
We had a few giggles over some drinks, and I marvelled at how things are going with his long-term girlfriend.
Good for him. He's a good guy.


boldly benny said...

That's quite a sweet story and at least you can look back on it with giggles.
And it's great that you two still get on well. So many people don't even talk to their first.
And good thing you got the morning after pill, my friend's mom fell pregnant after the very first time she had sex - she was 16!

sdfa sdfasdfadsf said...

Haha Peas dear... that's so romantic! I bet before you went you imagined a nice petit room, with the Eiffel Tower in the distance, romantic music playing softly...

The first time is so over-rated anyway. It lasts like 2 minutes for the guy and (apparently) hurts like hell for the girl. Heh.

Peas on Toast said...

Boldly - it is quite sweet right? Although most've the weekend was spent in tears. Thank god no bebe!

Kevin - it hurts like shot for a girl. It hurts and it's horrific.

I are wearing the jean pant said...

Aahh, sweet nostalgia of the first time... (Chin on hands, *sigh*).

Anonymous said...

"...randomly bumping into each other in Greece and Italy"
You'd think his technique would have improved at least a little.

Peas on Toast said...

Jean pant - ah...bless :)

Kyk - wahahahaha. It was like two months after the Paris experience. :)

boldly benny said...

LOVE kyk's comment - you are hilarious!

Anonymous said...

That's the best fiirst time story I've ever heard. About a complete turn-around on any girl I've ever met... how adorable..

For some reason, (probably given I'm an aunty, and my BFF is about to have a daughter) I've been thinking a lot about how one prepares one's kids for the horror of the first time...considering 99.9% is in...ahem.... faaaar less than idyllic circumstances, if they're lucky...(sorry to be a downer, was thinking of mine)

Peas on Toast said...

Hot Pink - oh absolutely. Most of the time, and from what I've heard - oops babies are conceived in far from idyllic circumstances.

This was one of them.
Good luck with everything dollface! x

Billy said...

Ah, what a great first time story. I still cant listen to Somebody without thinking that its warm in here....

Billy said...

On how to prepare to your kids: Denial.

Im holding out that my daughters a lesbian.

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - your first time was to the soundtrack Somebody?

Koekie said...

Flashbacks to my first time... uneventful for the most part - besides the fact that it was on holiday with the boyfriend's family. Freshly post-coital, I stepped out of the bedroom and into the lounge where the family and guests were staring at me. Traumatic.

Peas on Toast said...

Koeks - oh my aching satchel bag. They heard the whole thing? Did you have your clothes on?

Billy said...

Yip.... maybe why i struggle with to perform to music nowadays. Scars!

Billy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mommy said...

These days there is a lot more to worry about when a condom breaks. Ah, I long for the days when just a morning after pill is enough.
Love that story though - it's mortifying enough to have to take the morning after pill but to try and express that in French...LOL.

Betenoir said...

ah, as long as you can remember your first time fondly or with laughter, it's been a success.

Anonymous said...

Good guy with one hell of a p-tickler...

Champagne Heathen said...


"uuuhhh s'il vous plait, le perservatif broke uhh merde, non, il n'a pas marché et maintenant j'ai besoin une pill. Beaucoup des pills. Toutes les pills pour non bebe. Je voudrais etre sans bebe.

[Translated in Babel Fish as: ""uuuhhh please, perservatif the broke uhh shit, not, it did not go and now I need a pill. Many the pills. All pills for nonbaby. I would like to be without baby"...hey, i'm not that bad at this.]

I got laughed at when I tried to find the Metro once in Paris. Trying to get the morning-after pill is truly a challenge!!

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - aw :( Can I suggest Tchaikovsky? The motherfucker is a genius!

Jam - Touche. Pregnancy is not terminal, AIDS is. Scary shit these days eh?

Bete - lol. Except the weekend was spent in tears. That kind of makes it funny in itself I guess. :)


Champs - christ it was a mission!

Revolving Credit said...

Bumping a few randoms in Greece and Italy sounds like it could be fun.

Koekie said...

Peas - I was dressed, to a point. Wooden floors and wooden bed meant it was probably all audible. When I made eye contact with my audience, they could read the guilt on my face anyway.. But hey, at least the condom stayed intact!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - oh it was. My mate and I, while backpacking through said countries, did quite a lot of that. :)

Koeks - hollllly fucccck. Shame babe, I don't know which story is worse to be honest! :)

Revolving Credit said...


You make it sound like there was an audience in the room?

So, you're a performer then are you??