I am very angry at the moment. And not in a liberating way, in a very bad, very uncontrollable way.
It's a number of things.
Specifics are unnecessary.
It's mainly the human race at large.
It's been building up over the last few weeks, to the point where I'm worried about what I am going to do with it, or what kind of aftermath will follow, when the floodgates finally burst.
I'm not saying I'll pull a Barend Strydom with shotgun, but a fair amount of screaming, shouting and uncontrollable shaking and bad, harsh words may come spilling out – and I'm terrified they may spill onto the wrong people. Those that don't deserve my fury.
However there are people that do deserve my fury right now. This I know.
Perhaps it's pent up grief, perhaps it's because I've actually had enough of putting on a brave face, and perhaps it's because I feel that many people close to me have let me down or disappointed me.
It's hard to be objective about how I feel. But that only makes me angrier. I can't HELP feeling so unbelievably fucked off right now. I also believe it's my time to be an angry motherfucker. I bloody well deserve it.
I have the angry pit of hell in me, and now I have to try and manage it.
It feels terminal, which worries me. Someone gave me some fantastic advice yesterday. I had a panic attack at work. This person has dealt with anxiety attacks before, and said:
“You need to deal with it component by component, and as you do that, it'll all fall into place.”
Perhaps it's because I cannot communicate properly right now, because I know if I do, I will explode. So, although this is not the most healthy way to deal with my stuff, I am scared of my anger being destructive. If I let it go, there will be no turning back.
My blood boils as I write this. It's distracting.
I think the only things that will help me through this now is:
Communication. And slowly but surely, I'm talking to the right people about it.
Care and love from the people that know and understand.
There's someone in my life who, probably doesn't realise it, but has something to say about everything I do. Judgment only makes me madder.
I wish like most people - it seems - that I feel fuck all. Because feeling is what got me in this position in the first place. I feel too much and that's why I am so fucking pissed right now.
Step into my shoes for one day fuckers, and then tell me whether I'm being unreasonable.
I'm off to punch a bag.