Tuesday, May 15, 2007

a little snappy

I am very angry at the moment. And not in a liberating way, in a very bad, very uncontrollable way.

It's a number of things.
Specifics are unnecessary.

It's mainly the human race at large.

It's been building up over the last few weeks, to the point where I'm worried about what I am going to do with it, or what kind of aftermath will follow, when the floodgates finally burst.

I'm not saying I'll pull a Barend Strydom with shotgun, but a fair amount of screaming, shouting and uncontrollable shaking and bad, harsh words may come spilling out – and I'm terrified they may spill onto the wrong people. Those that don't deserve my fury.

However there are people that do deserve my fury right now. This I know.
Perhaps it's pent up grief, perhaps it's because I've actually had enough of putting on a brave face, and perhaps it's because I feel that many people close to me have let me down or disappointed me.
It's hard to be objective about how I feel. But that only makes me angrier. I can't HELP feeling so unbelievably fucked off right now. I also believe it's my time to be an angry motherfucker. I bloody well deserve it.
I have the angry pit of hell in me, and now I have to try and manage it.

It feels terminal, which worries me. Someone gave me some fantastic advice yesterday. I had a panic attack at work. This person has dealt with anxiety attacks before, and said:
“You need to deal with it component by component, and as you do that, it'll all fall into place.”

Perhaps it's because I cannot communicate properly right now, because I know if I do, I will explode. So, although this is not the most healthy way to deal with my stuff, I am scared of my anger being destructive. If I let it go, there will be no turning back.

My blood boils as I write this. It's distracting.

I think the only things that will help me through this now is:
Communication. And slowly but surely, I'm talking to the right people about it.
Care and love from the people that know and understand.
There's someone in my life who, probably doesn't realise it, but has something to say about everything I do. Judgment only makes me madder.

I wish like most people - it seems - that I feel fuck all. Because feeling is what got me in this position in the first place. I feel too much and that's why I am so fucking pissed right now.

Step into my shoes for one day fuckers, and then tell me whether I'm being unreasonable.

I'm off to punch a bag.

46 comments:

Anonymous said...

Use the long term view for anger: in ten years, when you look back on this moment in your life, was the anger worth it? Let it bounce off you.

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - yeah, I reckon it is worth it. But God help me if I'm still feeling this angry in ten years time. :(

Anonymous said...

PMS?

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - PMS would be daffodils in comparison.

Elle said...

Peas, It's shit trying to keep a brave face and be the person everyone expects you to be. I'm going through a rough time at the mo, and i'm reluctant to show it to my mates, as they've never seen me miserable or angry. Right now i feel fucked-off with everything, and don't know how to get rid of the anger. Screaming , swearing and crying doesn't help when you can't take it out on anyone/anything that deserves it.

Peas on Toast said...

Elle - exactly babe, I hear you.

Maybe we should get depraved. Like, run around naked in a shopping centre waving a machete around. Keen?

Jam said...

Methinks you have a lot to be angry about. I think we need to organise an evening out to a Greek restaurant where you can fling plates at the floor. That, or a boxing lesson with a punch bag with a certain someone's "face" (or name in this case) on it.

^^edges^^ said...

Peas, honey, RAGE!
I feel the same way today so rant till you go hoarse; then get out there and find a cowboy to ride home...

Antoine said...

*Tight Hugs*

Peas on Toast said...

Jam - what a fucking splendido idea! There's one close to my house. Plate throwinglots of ouzo - you're a genius!

Edges - awesome. Not that I'm glad you feel shit, but anger loves company!

Antoine - thanks guy. Squeeze harder please! :)

Betenoir said...

ah, I've been there. i find punching things and screaming into pillows works. and exercise...lots and lots of exercise...

Champagne Heathen said...

I say punch something. Or someone. (Anyone related to UNISA would be appreciated!) Although the idea of running naked through a mall brandishing a machete is bluddy amusing.

P.S. Your rat is stalking me.

Peas on Toast said...

Bete - but I might spill my drink if I exercise.

I'm going to break plates in my lunch break.
("3 000 plates please. And make it snappy.")

Peas on Toast said...

Champs - sorry Chad is a bit of a stalker. He loves the ladies. :)

Antoine said...

Males nekked in a mall will be "brandishing a sword" or a small dagger.... depending

Peas on Toast said...

Antoine - I can't imagine anything funnier right now than seeing a nekkid man with a hard on running through a mall.

Do you think it's been done?

It is the question said...

Don't do it Peas! Don't...

Oh, crap, I thought you said, "I'm off to pinch a bag."

Knowing your bag fetish and all.

As you were.

Peas on Toast said...

IITQ - wahahahaha!
That is NOT a bad idea, sista.

I'm off to pinch a bag.

DaveRich said...

Come on Peas, turn that frown upside down! Thai Kick boxing or Yoga would do you well. Running kaalies through the mall could be quite therapeutic now that you mention it.

Peas on Toast said...

Daverich - kick boxing. In the mall. Naked.

This is getting better and better! :)

Anonymous said...

Listen to load angry music. This normally calms me down

Anonymous said...

That was meant to be Loud not load

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - well Metallica's Load album is also an option.
:)

kyknoord said...

Okay, but I call dibs on the gold ones.

maurice said...

mrs peas

makes you feel any better i came within a hair of getting killed in a car smash this weekend. kinda changes your perspactive. even a crap day is a good day.

gooday

maurice

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - Kyk for shotgun.

Maurice - sorry to hear that. Did you fail to use your indicator?

Anonymous said...

I say fuck letting it bounce off you. I say screw anyone who even *suggests* pms. I mean isn't i enough that we got fucked over royally in that little creation process? Now as soon as you display the *slightest* bit of discontent it has to be pms? Seriously? I say live the anger. Smash a few things. It's the only way to get to the next step. The problem with people theses days is that they've forgotten that all emotions has validity and should be lived.

Elle said...

Peas, splendid idea, you pick the shopping centre i'll bring the weapons. Give me some notice though, so i can get my pissed-off ass out of London. It's supposed to be nearing summer here on Mud Island, but it won't stop pouring with rain. Geez, i miss JHB summer.

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - I know. Do men have any idea that not EVERYTHING that makes women angry can be attributed to PMS? Fuck, it makes me even angrier.
Smash something I will, thanks babe.

Elle - Can you organise an Uzi for me babe? Do they come cheap over yonder?

godsgimp said...

Get Stoned!

Christopher said...

Good luck getting it out.

Peas on Toast said...

Godsgimp - me? stoned? never!

Christopher - thanks mate. It's going to be interesting.

Champagne Heathen said...

So have you run naked through a mall yet, brandishing a machete, stopping occasionally to conduct a yoga move or ninja kick some innocent security guard, window shopper, or mime. Fucking hate mimes.

Peas on Toast said...

Hahahahah!
How annoying are mimes? And why are they always painted white?

Frigging mimes.

fush and chips said...

My seeing a mime mantra is;"I'm so glad I'm not on acid".

Cathartic song = My Ruin, 'Terror'

Anonymous said...

Hey Peas, just flippin be angry, pissed or fucked off for once...just go with it, sit and sulk, feel sorry for yourself, whinge, cry or scream and then tomorrow pick yourself up and start moving on...just a suggestion, normally works pretty well...

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - yip, pretty much done that today. I even shat on the the guy selling pies at the BP.
Tomorrow will be better. :)

I are wearing the jean pant said...

Just be aware of the truth that there is always someone worse off than you (Like, say, Maurice for example) and then rejoyce in the fact that you are not them :)

Terri said...

Scream, shout, throw a tantrum! (I have hints about this on my own blog today, interesting timing)
Whatever you do, let it out.
Although the machete in the mall thing sounds waaay more interesting.

Peas on Toast said...

Jean pant - yes, absolutely. There are definitely those more worse off. And then there's Maurice.

Terri - will take a lookie! Have already shouted and screamed at lots of people today - does that count? ;)

Nessers said...

I have been where you are and I recommend getting a really good friend to listen to all your rantings knowing that it not directed about them merely to them and I guarantee you will feel a lot better - the trick to this is you do it pissed

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks Nessers. I did this with Klo today over lunch. My poor friend listened to me go on about who I think should die under a bus today. And why I want them to.

Nasty but necessary.

boldly benny said...

Hey Peas, my computer is busted so I wasn't able to comment yesterday but I wanted to say EMBRACE the anger. So often I'm told to let it go and I always say NO. Suppressing emotion is the worst thing you can do coz it becomes poison. Punch a bag, call everyone an asshole or do what you have to do to get it all out.
As an aside, it FUCKING irritates me when people assume PMS when I'm irritable. Sometimes I even like to be irrational and just be in a bad mood - it's emotional spring cleaning. Plus I think on a whole you're a cheery person so let that rage out from time to time xxxB

Peas on Toast said...

Thanks B.
You're a star!

Anton said...

Okay, this may sound a bit esoteric, but it's probably a decent way to "Escape".

Find any none lyrical music you like. Certain movie scores are excellent for this. The entire soundtrack.

Then go to bed 30 minutes before you normally are, play the music from the first track - and actively engage your imagination in creating a world completely different from the one you currently experience.

Um... There are different scenarios, but the easiest one to start off with (assuming you find it difficult to take your mind off your problems/issues/irritations/whatever) is you, YOU, somehow being transported to a fantasy world (like elves and stuff, or whatever floats your boat) and using your logical side to create a narrative, helped along by the epic music. And trust me, in cold winter's night, wrapped in your duvet...it's easy.

About halfway through the CD/album you'll only be a vaque partner in the story, which becomes a dream, which becomes...

a gladiator who was a general who took on an emperor in a steven spielberg movie (only kidding)

which becomes a cool way to wake up with a lot of extra serotonin in your system.

Hooray!

Anton said...

none - non

are - do