Friday, June 08, 2007

childhood sweethearts

You know the guy you used to build tree houses with, and once you showed him your cookie because he'd never seen one before?
No? OK, well nevermind. You're all lying if you didn't.

My childhood sweetheart - as in, the oke who never knew I was alive because I was so shy I'd just blush and run away in his presence - has been missing for years.
I used to wonder every now and then what he was doing. Was he a balding schvitzy nutcase, with a bunion, who sat and surfed Mail Order Bride websites all day? Or was he Robert Redford with a golden tan and Masters degree, who flew around the world as a brave, heroic documentary cameraman who covered war? Or maybe he's actually Kurt Darren and he sings liefie songs to his plethora of fans at Carnival City. I sure fucking hope not. Or maybe he was a divorce lawyer now. Or worse. An accountant. (Just kidding, sort of).

Hell, maybe he is dead? Nope, the last I heard he was alive and well – some years ago. Was he still the town stud? Possibly. The man could pull in women like a crane driver pulls down buildings. He never really noticed me. At junior school I was a shy little merit over-achiever, who got top marks and did remarkable things like sport and shit. It all changed when I was 14. When I became the loud, brash creature I am now, I still didn't talk to him. He probably thought I was a up-my-own-doetpipe snob.

Au contraire. He just scared the shit out of me.

That aside, what had ever happened to him? He was the one chap – pre-pubescent was I – that filled up pages and pages of my diary as a kid. Not that we said two words to each other – God no – but he was significant enough that at 10 years old, I wanted to have his babies. Why I thought he was so unbelievably fantastic is not important – but it may or may not have had something to do with the fact he had a rather stupendously smashing body.

One of the memories I have was when we built a treehouse together and I don't think we even spoke.
“How about we use this stick?”
Peas: [blank]
“Ok, well I'll just use this stick then.”
Peas: [blank]
“Are you mute or something?”
Peas: [blank]
“Can you speak?”
Peas: [blank]
“You're weird.”
Peas: No you are. [runs away blushing]

We got in contact after, like, ten years the other day.
And if he's reading this, I'm running away and blushing, and God please may he not read this. And please may he think it's not him.
Not that it matters in any case. It was so long ago, I mean, I can hardly remember him. I mean, seriously.

PS: I got taken out to dinner last night. As a “casual mate dinner thingie” not a date, it's not a date - just so we're all clear.
We Phuza Thursdayed it up at FTV, and now I feel in urgent need of paracetamol.

My FF (Fake Fiance) gets back from Mauritius today and says he bought me a ring. Bless every one of his chest hairs. Which I have not seen.


8Ball said...

G'morning Toastie

I'm in a fucking fantastic mood today - probably because it's Friday, but also because I'm in one of those cocky, hungover moods.

I was jamming with the Parlotones at Blues Room...wouldn't have put you down as an FTV girl, but hey what do I know.

I slept with my childhood crush, after not seeing her between the ages of 13 and 23..... I was also a dorky kid..and it was an almost surreal experience. Countless pubescent fantasies all realised :)

You should try it, I'm sure you'd find your tongue


Peas on Toast said...

Hey 8ball - fuck but my head pounds something epic. You have me right, FTV isn't a usual haunt - but after dinner we wandered there and drank tequila.

And fuck me if I have ever felt this rough before.

Childhood crush sex, you lucky bugger. What I'd do for...oh nevermind.

kyknoord said...

I'd like to point out that I only learned to bake in my teens, so I never showed anyone my cookie before then.

Anonymous said...

:) I would also think you were kind of weird if you never said anything and always showed me your cookie

Though this tactic might work a treat now...go find him and show him your cookie Peas

8Ball said...

whoops that was me ^

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk- yeah, yeah...but fess up son. Chicks showed you their cookies. They did didn't they!

8ball - oh, there's no denying it. I was a weird, um, cookie.

8Ball said...



Revolving Credit said...

Peas, please explain to us why you think you have a weird cookie?

Peas on Toast said...

8ball - was, is, always will be.



Revolving Credit said...

That shouting makes you sound like the cookie monster!

hot pink flush said...

The first guys who saw my cookie were the neighbours when they helped me take the fairy wheels off my bike...
it's also when both they and I figured out you get nothin for nothin in this world, and bugger all for sixpence...

Peas on Toast said...


Hot Pink - do tell babe - fairy wheels and cookies?

Betenoir said...

uh. I feel kind of geeky. I never showed my...cookie... to anyone! Now I feel like missed out on a vital part of childhood.

um, I mean, eventually I showed my cookie to someone. but in a different context.

And my first love was the lead character from Robotech. I was convinced we were going to be married. i wasn't quite au fait with the concept of reality vs. animation yet.

Peas on Toast said...

Bete - you so should've drawn him a cookie. Animated cookies for animated love. :)

Chester Pillow said...

My childhood crush was a few years older than me! Sadly, I never got to sleep with her, but doctor doctor was fun!

Anonymous said...

betenoir, i didnt show my "awesome V" either in childhood, i think this is why i am such an oddball now, sigh. we on the other hand "read" very good books, like porn mags, its name was Maaja, we stole them from my brother:) good times.
oh and my childhood crush-i'd bang him now, dunno if i'd ever want to see him again, but maybe i'd even marrie with him, despite of the fact he doesnt look so good as he did when we were kids...oh well..
over and oot.

Peas on Toast said...

Chester - an older woman, you like the sugar mommies? ;)

FairyGotMother - yeah, mine was a cute kid, but now I'm not sure. It's been so long.

8Ball said...

When she saw him she would blush rub-ay
And wouldn't have a whole lot to say
But she gave him a lookie
At her little cookie
And would do it again today

Peas on Toast said...

8ball - practically shakespeare!

ThomG said...

Peas, you are absolutely bad-ass. As a writer, I mean. I mean, I get paid to be a writer - and I wish I could be as honest and open and as fucking wickedly funny as you are. I bow to you, like weekly.

Peas on Toast said...

ThomG - you won't believe it, I get paid to write as well. And am humbled - thanks so much for your compliment. x