Monday, June 04, 2007

gaged gag

Peas: Guess what?
Ant: What?
Peas: I'm engaged. I got engaged last night.
Ant: Pardon?
Peas: Look. [Holds up wedding finger]
Ant: That's someone's family signet ring! It has a crest on it.
Peas: Well, yes but it was all very impromptu. It was the only ring he had on him at the time.
Ant: And just who the hell are you engaged to?
Peas: Big T.
Ant: Oh come on.
Peas: No, dude. This is serious. We're engaged. I'm not even fucking around. We drank champagne and everything.
Ant: Yeah, but tomorrow when you wake up you may think differently. Why would you do this?
Peas: Well you know I stayed sober Friday night? And got a sugar high on four litres of Coke-a-Cola instead? Well, Big T finished writing his CFA and we went out to celebrate. Then we got talking about living in Berlin one day, and got all excited, then he said he'd marry me for me to live there in the future, so I said fine. And he proposed.
Ant: Tomorrow you're going to perhaps regret the hastiness of this decision.

[the next morning:]

Peas: Dude, I'm still engaged.
Ant: Are you sure?
Peas: Well yes. Look. [holds up wedding finger]
Ant: OK. Fine. Why are you engaged to one of your best friends?
Peas: Hell, why not?
Ant: Dude.
Peas: No seriously. It's so we can go and live in Germany one day in the future. If I marry Big T, it's possible.
Ant: And what does Big T gain from this engagement?
Peas: Hmmm. Well. He's engaged to ME! Lucky bastard. And he has a mate to run around with in Germany and be his wingman.
Ant: What if Prince Charming meets you tomorrow and proposes? For real?
Peas: I'm sure Big T won't mind.
Ant: This is absurd.
Peas: And I'm engaged.
Ant: Is he going to buy you a proper ring?
Peas: No I told him he doesn't need to. I'm being wholly unselfish about this. A plastic one from Pick 'n Pay is fine.
Ant: You're single. And yet you're engaged.
Peas: Correct.
Ant: Unbelievable.
Peas: See? Even I can have my happy ending. Wilkommen in Deutscheland, zeit.

Then I saw my parents for brunch:

Peas: Mum. Step Dad. I have something to tell you.
Mum: Oh God. You're not pregnant. Tell me you're not pregnant. Tell me you haven't been knocked up, my shattered nerves, Peas.
Peas: I got engaged last night.
Mum: Excuse me?
Peas: I'm engaged to Big T. Esquire.
Mum: You're having me on.
Peas: Look. [raises wedding finger.]
Mum: Are you being serious?
Peas: Well we're just friends. But we're hitched.
Mum: Do I know this person, have I ever met him?
Peas: Yip, once I think.
Mum: Can you date other people?
Peas: Yip. And so can he. And we both will. It's just for fun. It could be the only time I'm engaged, ever! You guys could at least pretend to be happy for me.
Mum: Oh God Peas. Does your father know about this?
Step Dad: I don't advise telling him.
Peas: Admittedly, he'll be pissed. Big T didn't ask him if he could have my hand before proposing.
Mum: How long have you been engaged for?
Peas: About 8 hours.
Mum: You got engaged at 2:00am?
Peas: Nah. About midnight.
Mum: You'll break it off in a few days. I'll never have grandchildren. Oh God, what a mess.
Peas: Hey! You don't want to grandmother my spawn, mother, let's face it.
Mum: Well I suppose we'd better celebrate before you both call it off.
Peas: I'll order the champagne.

34 comments:

Heddles said...

Peas, mazeltov.

I have a similar arrangment with a mate we call The Racoon if we're still single at 30. If I get a ring out of a lucky packet I'll be stoked.

Peas on Toast said...

Heddles, if Prince Charming doesn't ride through your door before then, I trust you and The Raccoon will be very happy. :)

Third World Ant said...

For the record, I'm still sticking by my original assessment of "This is insaaaaaaane!"

But, whatever. I'm still a bridesmaid even if you get married in an office somewhere...

Nic said...

Peas, Dude, you make me laugh. I enjoyed this post a ton and think that I have made this arrangement in a similar manner with my best female fried.

It went along the lines of: If we aren't married by 30 we will dump who we are with and marry eachother for the hell of it and travel the world.

To easy Peasy!

Peas on Toast said...

Ant - Insane, but hey, the best of both worlds! When can a chick be single and engaged??When you're meeeeee! :)

Nic - You, Heddles and I have something good going here my dear. Aren't we a sensible bunch?

ChewTheCud said...

You'll be Mrs. T? Mrs Big T? Mrs. Peas Tee? TP? T on Toast? Mushy T?

You'll still be crazy though. I get the feeling thats not changing ;P

Da Mario said...

Congratulations Peas... why did you need to go and break my heart??

Peas on Toast said...

Chew - I'm liking Mushy T on Toast :)

Da Mario - oh bless your heart! Don't stress, I'm still single :)

kyknoord said...

Da Mario and I can start a club. *sniff* Oh, but hey, we can have T-shirt's and stuff. We'll call ourselves The Boohoo Boys or some such. Our slogan will be: "no Peas in our lifetime"

Peas on Toast said...

Oh man, oh man! How special do I feel?

Maybe we can have a Mormon engagement. I'll chat to my fiance about it. We can all get hitched and live in the Village of Happiness together....

DaveRich said...

Kyk, all we are saying is... Give Peas a chance.
Peas, thats a nice way to get champagne outta your parents at brunch. In fact that was twice in one weekend. I smell a champagne quaffing rat.

Peas on Toast said...

DaveRich - well at least it wasn't John Deere. :)

Chester Pillow said...

Muzzle-Toffs...

Revolving Credit said...

Before he takes you to Deutscheland, has he heard you German rap??

Note that they may revoke his passport on those grounds!

PS. Does that mean you'll be getting a bit on sexually healing now? There's got to be some perks to being slightly engaged!

Peas on Toast said...

Chester - shot. Like your blog bugger :)

Revvie - nah, it's strictly platonic boet. Big T is such hot property in this town, it's only fair I let him get his rocks off with other damsels who beg for it.

Me, well, I'll continue single and dildotastic. :)

Revolving Credit said...

You, him and girlfriends...ooo...3somes, 4somes, MOREsomes!!

Sounds like it's gonna be a swinging marriage.

You can't be engaged and spend your life in SoloDildoville!

People will start to think that Big T is gay???

Peas on Toast said...

Revvie - au contraire. The Big T and I will swing alright. Just not with each other :)

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, sounds like the only swinging you're doing is swinging by the Engen QuickShop for fresh batteries for your Whacker!

Peas on Toast said...

You would be right there, Reverend.

Revolving Credit said...

Sounds like you'd have been better off getting engaged to the Duracell bunny!

He keeps going and going!

8Ball said...

Mushy T on Toast?... yup fair enough..

Just make sure you shy away from Big Tushy on Toast

:)

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - does he though? Old Bunny Duracell and Whacker seem to wear each other out these days.

8ball - Touche on the Tushy on Toast.
:)

ChewTheCud said...

Get rechargeables...

Joined a community blog eh? Can't seem to get enough can you?

:P

Peas on Toast said...

Lol. And my new business involves the web 2.0 theme as well :)

Yip, Kevvie wanted me in - and I bow down to Kevvie, cos he's my bitch :)

PS: I love you Kevvie.

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, you're barely engaged and already you declaring your love for Kevvie on your blog.

I smell trouble brewing!

Maybe you and Big T should go for marriage/relationship counselling.

PS. Is there going to be an engagement party??

Peas on Toast said...

Revvie - I love you too.

How about that huh? ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Does that mean I do or I don't get to come to the engagement party???

Koekie said...

Peas, I'm sorry that Mr T didn't ask your dad for your hand in marriage, but what I'm more concerned about... is have you considered Chad in this decision?

I would be irresponsible not to. How is he going to be affected with this sudden arrival of a step-dad and possible inclusion of swinging partners?

Connubials are a serious issue, although I have to admit your approach is different, "un-yeeew-sual" indeed ;-)

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - sure thing...

Koeks - You're right. I've been a very irresponsible parent. God I've been a bad mother. I hang my head in shame.

I'll sit him down tonight and explain to him why mommy is engaged and that if there's any follow through, he will have to learn German.

Anonymous said...

Peas your blog is boring. Im taking it out of my history. Wont be back.. dont know how you got nominated. You arent even funny.

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - awesome. I'm not here for everyone's entertainment.

When you have a blog that's funny and entertaining, to the point where I pee my pants everytime I log on, be sure to tell me.
I'd love to see what you've got.

Martin said...

Peas, just quick question: Big T's surname doesn't by any chance start with a C, does it?

Just wondering... (don't worry, I'm not stalking anyone :-))

Mike said...

I like your mother's response. LOLLIPOPS and stuff. Like, she's so nervous, but you're like, hey, s'all good. And she's like "Woah woah woah" and you're like "Hey chillax ma all-blacks" and she's like "Geez Louise" and then you're like "Lol I am ROFL LMAO maxing."

Hey.

Che said...

I'd quite like one of these arrangements. I think I made one when I was in grade 10... Does it still count?