Peas: Guess what?
Peas: I'm engaged. I got engaged last night.
Peas: Look. [Holds up wedding finger]
Ant: That's someone's family signet ring! It has a crest on it.
Peas: Well, yes but it was all very impromptu. It was the only ring he had on him at the time.
Ant: And just who the hell are you engaged to?
Peas: Big T.
Ant: Oh come on.
Peas: No, dude. This is serious. We're engaged. I'm not even fucking around. We drank champagne and everything.
Ant: Yeah, but tomorrow when you wake up you may think differently. Why would you do this?
Peas: Well you know I stayed sober Friday night? And got a sugar high on four litres of Coke-a-Cola instead? Well, Big T finished writing his CFA and we went out to celebrate. Then we got talking about living in Berlin one day, and got all excited, then he said he'd marry me for me to live there in the future, so I said fine. And he proposed.
Ant: Tomorrow you're going to perhaps regret the hastiness of this decision.
[the next morning:]
Peas: Dude, I'm still engaged.
Ant: Are you sure?
Peas: Well yes. Look. [holds up wedding finger]
Ant: OK. Fine. Why are you engaged to one of your best friends?
Peas: Hell, why not?
Peas: No seriously. It's so we can go and live in Germany one day in the future. If I marry Big T, it's possible.
Ant: And what does Big T gain from this engagement?
Peas: Hmmm. Well. He's engaged to ME! Lucky bastard. And he has a mate to run around with in Germany and be his wingman.
Ant: What if Prince Charming meets you tomorrow and proposes? For real?
Peas: I'm sure Big T won't mind.
Ant: This is absurd.
Peas: And I'm engaged.
Ant: Is he going to buy you a proper ring?
Peas: No I told him he doesn't need to. I'm being wholly unselfish about this. A plastic one from Pick 'n Pay is fine.
Ant: You're single. And yet you're engaged.
Peas: See? Even I can have my happy ending. Wilkommen in Deutscheland, zeit.
Then I saw my parents for brunch:
Peas: Mum. Step Dad. I have something to tell you.
Mum: Oh God. You're not pregnant. Tell me you're not pregnant. Tell me you haven't been knocked up, my shattered nerves, Peas.
Peas: I got engaged last night.
Mum: Excuse me?
Peas: I'm engaged to Big T. Esquire.
Mum: You're having me on.
Peas: Look. [raises wedding finger.]
Mum: Are you being serious?
Peas: Well we're just friends. But we're hitched.
Mum: Do I know this person, have I ever met him?
Peas: Yip, once I think.
Mum: Can you date other people?
Peas: Yip. And so can he. And we both will. It's just for fun. It could be the only time I'm engaged, ever! You guys could at least pretend to be happy for me.
Mum: Oh God Peas. Does your father know about this?
Step Dad: I don't advise telling him.
Peas: Admittedly, he'll be pissed. Big T didn't ask him if he could have my hand before proposing.
Mum: How long have you been engaged for?
Peas: About 8 hours.
Mum: You got engaged at 2:00am?
Peas: Nah. About midnight.
Mum: You'll break it off in a few days. I'll never have grandchildren. Oh God, what a mess.
Peas: Hey! You don't want to grandmother my spawn, mother, let's face it.
Mum: Well I suppose we'd better celebrate before you both call it off.
Peas: I'll order the champagne.