Thursday, June 28, 2007

no, I'm fine

Well, I thought I was very happy last week. I was trying, really hard.
I've had a wobbly.

During office hours, I sat with my hands in my head and howled. Like a girl.
I cried and cried and cried.

I'll just spit it out.

I feel like a failure. Sub-standard. All I have right now is my work, and when that fails to satisfy – I crumble. Dramatically.
It's the one thing keeping me busy, yet even that has been a disappointment.
Nothing is right, it all looks wrong, I'm not feeling good enough and everyone out there seems to be doing a better job than me.

Self esteem. Never had a problem before. Even when I'm in a room where every single woman in there is hotter than me. Now I feel ugly, worthless, no value-add. I don't think I measure up. For the men out there that do like me: I think you need your heads checked.

How is it, I went out with someone for six years and he can't/won't/is not allowed to talk to me anymore? I don't get how someone can just erase a past and just pretend it never happened, or pretend I'm just dead?

Everything is in limbo. It has been for months. Nothing is moving forward, and nothing is moving backwards. It's like I'm in my own purgatory.

C met me for urgent retail therapy yesterday. I blew a fair amount on new sexy things, which cheered me up immensely. It was an emergency. I also dyed my hair dark sub-black and painted my nails red. I look like a vamp.

Maybe I have mild depression. Today I feel better about the fact I feel like an underachieving failure with no future or promise.

And the whole, “if you don't look for it it will find you” thing: Shut. The. Hell. Up, Because. You. Don't. Know. What. You're. Talking. About. You mean to say my supposed knight in shining armour will just pitch up on my doorstep while I hermit myself in front of the telly night after night?

And the whole, “but you are doing this, and you're doing that, you should be proud of your career?” No. It's all hanging in limbo at the moment. It's been tough – all facets of my work. It's a hurry up and wait game.

I'm not fishing. This is not a fishing post. This is vent post, so allow me.
I'll be happier today. Again. I hope.

But should I even get out of bed today? Nah. Won't bother. Maybe. Maybe if someone brings me a chocolate forest cake.

35 comments:

Anonymous said...

'No. I'm fine'- is my stock phrase...so much easier...but it will all come out eventually. I think at this age we all experience so much and are learning so much about ourselves...but honestly I don't want to learn anymore...I have had enough heart break to not have a heart left!!!
I just try keep moving forward - onwards and upwards as a friend says!! Surround yourself with people who make you happy and you have fun with and forget about the men for a bit....maybe then you will just bump into the right one....ya - I don't either believe that crap either...if only life was that easy.
Hope your day gets happier!!

ChewTheCud said...

Chocolate gateau, with the cream and the cherries.... mmmmm.

Here's on thing you should be happy about - if hypothetically someone were to bring you delicious chocolatey cake, you would be able to eat it because you're not allergic. Thats blessing number one. I'm sure there's lots more things you never thought of that you should be happy about ;)

Revolving Credit said...

Chewy, quick, bake one of your chocolate creations and deliver to Peas. asap.

Peas, expect Chew at your door soon, bearing chocolate foresty bits.
He may not be quite the knight in shining armour but its the best I can do at such short notice.

PS. Stop defining yourself and your measure of success by whether you have/ can get/ attract hordes of men. That's still about someone else. You derive self-worth from yourself. Like you you are for who you are, not by or through your side kick.

PPS. Gotta go to work now, chat later.

Revolving Credit said...

Chews, do you think that maybe this is maybe just a ploy to get free chocolate cake served to her in bed??

Vimbai said...

This is an emergency, get to your nearest Woolies branch and purchase the following get-you-out-of-the-doldrums merchandise; 1 Sticky toffee pudding, 1 tub of custard & 1 marble cake...throw in your choice of wine, and you're good to go!

Chin up big guy, just a terrible case of the 1/4 life crisis.

Anonymous said...

Sounds like your 6 yr ex has moved on - maybe you should try doing the same. I mean, why do you want to keep in touch with him anyway?

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - thanks man. Yip, I was doing fine, upwards and onwards - and then yesterday I hit a little plateau-cum-help me God. But today I will carry on - even if there's no chocolate cake. :)

Chew - are you up for the challenge mate? ;)

Revsicle - I get that you can't judge yourself through a sidekick. But don't we see ourselves by other people's reactions of ourselves? How can we not? Society is the bitch here :)

Vimbai - Quarter Life deluxe my dear. I've been having since I was 23. Will it ever end? And will sticky toffee pudding really help me? ;)

ChewTheCud said...

Rev - what kind of chocolate cake are we talking about? I've been caught before... ;)

It's always the new female in the guys life. She knows just how to hurt the old girlfriend. "No more contact with that woman!". Are women unspeakably cruel? You tell me ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - I moved on before him, actually. But we kept in touch for a while because we had done so much together. It's not about not moving on. That's happened. It's about knowing he's ok, and him not pretending I'm dead all of a sudden.

boldly benny said...

GEEZIZ Peas... we were freaking separated at birth I'm telling you coz once again I'm going through exactly the same thing at present.

I'm filled with self-doubt and criticism, I question myself and generally just feel like a miserable sod. It's also frustrating because I think you, like me, know all the therapy so it almost gets frustrating when pearls of wisdom come forward because you know you're being unreasonable but fuck you just want to vent and wallow in it for a bit and then pull yourself towards yourself and be over it.

Like I'll tell my sister that my work is so shit and I hate any work I produce and then she'll say "That's ridiculous, you wouldn't have the job you have if you were no good." Ya, I know but still I can't help that I feel like a useless no-talent twit!

Sweets I won't give you any "therapy" or advice just know that I totally relate to you and with time (and a bit of wine/chocolate) we'll realise our fabulousness and curse ourselves for being silly and berating ourselves. I try to remember that I need to treat and speak about myself in the same way as I would a mate and I would never speak about a friend the way I've been describing myself of late xxxB

Peas on Toast said...

Boldly - hello my sister :) It's funny, just how things seem to get better, they suddenly get worse, eh? Perhaps it's part of the whole stupid process. Who knows. And I relate: I'm my own worst critic. It's perfection or bust, and if I can't deliver perfection in any form (love, work, life, etc), I become extremely despondent with myself.
* Sigh* Here's to us feeling better!
xx

High in Dubai said...

Peas, bleakness abounds across the planets. Nothing anyone says now is gonna help shit, so best I shut it!

But.

I think your the bomb diggety!

Jocelyn said...

Peas, are you still cycling? If you're feeling bad you really need to carry on working out. It actually *will* make you feel better. Especially if you work out towards a goal, like completing a specific race.

Leigh-Anne said...

It's the other woman, Peas... It wouldn't be him...

The bitch is jealous, Peas... Plain and simple jealousy.

She knows how absolutely fabulous you are, she's probably googled you or checked you out on facebook...

Chances are she even reads this blog!

Don't let her get to you, because that's exactly what she wants!

Chin up, put that smile back on your dial and show her just how absolutely fabulously you deal with little bitches like her!

Champagne Heathen said...

Peas, there is no knight in shining armour. No one is saving anyone on this earth. Even if some guy did come around and turn your world around for a week/ month/ year/ decade... life is longer than that. The shite will return.

Not to say just submit to the depression, but perhaps WE ALL need to admit first to there not being this "saving person". It'll change perspectives and offer new "solutions".

[Leigh Ann - to defend a mate, who never asks to be defended, preferably keep the "other woman" out of this & do not speak of someone you know nothing about. She has the respect to steer completely clear of this world. Offer the same back to her.]

Betenoir said...

peas: you know what, I've been there. every few months, i think every person has a low point, and as cool, hot, rich successful, awesome and talented as you may be, life just sucks, you feel like a failure, and the blues kick in. you're handling it the right way: vamp it up, vent / share your feelings, and don't forget- you've earned a little wallowing every now and again. And soon, when you're not expecting it, everything will suddenly be grand, and you'll suddenly find yourself in an inexplicable good mood.


and if you don't come hang out with me and we'll paint the town red. then, you'll be too hungover to notice how kak you feel.

Peas on Toast said...

Dubai - thanks my friend. And looking forward to seeing ya when you come out! xx

Jocelyn - you're so right, and my cycling has dwindled lately. I need to get back on the saddle, and with immediate effect!

Leigh - hi babe. I don't know why I'm defending her, but I can understand from her point of view, if, she has something to do with the fact that he has dropped off the planet, I can see why. We have a long history. Thing is - she is engaged to him now. So why I'd still be a threat is beyond me really. I just don't understand.

Champagne - I disagree, mainly because I'm not asking to be saved by anyone. The knight in shining armour theory is more about eventually finding the right person for me.

Bete - thanks my dear. If there's one thing I've learnt - nothing is uniform. Happiness and sadness can happen at once. And I suppose the best thing to do for myself is to admit it.

Leigh-Anne said...

oh dear. i do so hate being put in my place, especially when it's done as well as well (and as sweetly) as you did it, champagne heathen...

i guess i was doing what i so often do: projecting my issues and life experience on to others...

a few years ago i had a bad break-up. a while afterwards, we both started seeing other people, and my ex's new chick didn't want him to have anything to do with me.

the advice i gave peas was given to me over a few bottles of red wine and a really hectic joint. it worked for me, i thought it might work for peas...

Peas on Toast said...

Leigh - don't stress my dear, she is Champs' mate, but not mine - and you do have a point. I'm unsure of what goes down behind the scenes, but it's odd that even though we were in other relationships, we still kept in touch.

Anyway, I totally get where you're coming from. x

fuzzy logic said...

You're reading my mind, aren't you?

Oh well, nothing a bit of alcohol, vast amounts of chocolate and loads of wallowing will solve. Temporarily.

Peas on Toast said...

Fuzzy - correct. :)

Mike said...

Maybe guys like you because you're so vulnerable and insecure. I like girls like that. They expend a lot of energy to stop themselves from going totally nuts, and I feed off that energy like a suckling baby. Mmm. Mmm.

Anonymous said...

What is that unwritten rule that once you have dated someone and moved on you cant be friends or at least stay in touch or just be civil around each other.
You go through so much so why not remain in touch.

I believe you can be friends after a relationship infact Im quite close still to a couple ex's.

Hope you feel better about life love and everything inbetween

Chantelle said...

Peas...

I FULLY sympathise with you!!

See my last post on my site.

I also don't want people telling me it will be fine, you will feel better soon. Your Mr Right will find you when you are least expecting it blah blah bllaaahhhh!

As my friend Ange says: When life hands you lemons, throw them at someone!

What is your address for that Forest Cake?

Chester Pillow said...

Peas - I know how you feel! It's the worst thing to hear, but sometime's nice to know you're not alone (or a crazy person!).
Friends (and I guess shopping) are the greatest medicine and remedy for miffness!

Peas on Toast said...

Mike - wanna come over? ;)

Anon - I guess in some instances people can't. Perhaps because they're still not ready, or other complex reasons. Who knows. But thanks :)

Chantelle - Another favourite (not): THERE ARE PLENTY FISH IN THE SEA. Argggh, drives me mental!

Chester - Yay! So I'm not the only crazy person in the world! Thanks guy. :)

Revolving Credit said...

Ha...so Mike is trying to milk you.

You see, the day is looking up already!

Has your knight-in-shining-icing-sugar arrived yet?

ThomG said...

Everyone needs a "reset" every now and again. You've hit yours. Now get up off your arse, get on the bike and go ride. Strengthen the mind, the body, the resolve.

And by all means, eat chocolate cake, drink copious amounts of red wine - all the while playing with all that new sex apperati.

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - he heasn't arrived, although I did get through a packet of vanilla wafers just now.

ThomG - Resetting, I like, I like! This is me resetting, and trying to conquer the world all over again!

Littleme said...

My friend sent me to read this because she thought it was so me. And she was so right. I also feel that way. Like my job is the only stability in a Chaos filled life, and when it seems threatend then I feel lost and really blue. I also know about the whole guy from the past that haunts my present. I feel that hey Mister you got out of my life now get out of my head Damnit!!! Thank you for the post.

Peas on Toast said...

Litelme - I my dear, I'm soory to hear you're also in a frustrating space. Man it's hard - time seems to stand still!
Just to clarify though - I don't pine over my ex (I have two after him even), but I do think of all of them often, for sure. I suppose I care. It's shit when you realise the other person doesn't. Anyway, I hope things get better for you, here's to keeping out chinny chin chins up!
x

kyknoord said...

Been trying to come up with something sufficiently Yoda-like to share with you, but nothing immediately springs to mind. How about, "I have caught you a delicious bass?"

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - thanks mate, that's perfect :)

capdog said...

Thanks for making me feel 100% sane this morning! At least you are helping people around you! :)

Peas on Toast said...

Didn't realise I had Florence Nightingale in me :)