Well, I thought I was very happy last week. I was trying, really hard.
I've had a wobbly.
During office hours, I sat with my hands in my head and howled. Like a girl.
I cried and cried and cried.
I'll just spit it out.
I feel like a failure. Sub-standard. All I have right now is my work, and when that fails to satisfy – I crumble. Dramatically.
It's the one thing keeping me busy, yet even that has been a disappointment.
Nothing is right, it all looks wrong, I'm not feeling good enough and everyone out there seems to be doing a better job than me.
Self esteem. Never had a problem before. Even when I'm in a room where every single woman in there is hotter than me. Now I feel ugly, worthless, no value-add. I don't think I measure up. For the men out there that do like me: I think you need your heads checked.
How is it, I went out with someone for six years and he can't/won't/is not allowed to talk to me anymore? I don't get how someone can just erase a past and just pretend it never happened, or pretend I'm just dead?
Everything is in limbo. It has been for months. Nothing is moving forward, and nothing is moving backwards. It's like I'm in my own purgatory.
C met me for urgent retail therapy yesterday. I blew a fair amount on new sexy things, which cheered me up immensely. It was an emergency. I also dyed my hair dark sub-black and painted my nails red. I look like a vamp.
Maybe I have mild depression. Today I feel better about the fact I feel like an underachieving failure with no future or promise.
And the whole, “if you don't look for it it will find you” thing: Shut. The. Hell. Up, Because. You. Don't. Know. What. You're. Talking. About. You mean to say my supposed knight in shining armour will just pitch up on my doorstep while I hermit myself in front of the telly night after night?
And the whole, “but you are doing this, and you're doing that, you should be proud of your career?” No. It's all hanging in limbo at the moment. It's been tough – all facets of my work. It's a hurry up and wait game.
I'm not fishing. This is not a fishing post. This is vent post, so allow me.
I'll be happier today. Again. I hope.
But should I even get out of bed today? Nah. Won't bother. Maybe. Maybe if someone brings me a chocolate forest cake.