Friday, June 15, 2007

perineums, rotundness & stuff

Conversation with my boss yesterday:

Crusoe: Dude, your problem is that you fall in love with tall, cocky, skinny guys.
Peas: You might just be the fourth person who told me that in two months.
Crusoe: It's true. You're a female stereotype.
Peas: [splutter] No I am most certainly not. I resent that.
Crusoe: Well I catch you perving them all the time.
Peas: What are you suggesting dude? I go for rotund, short guys who aren't actually selfish, hung-up bastards? The very thought!
Crusoe: Yeah. They have the capacity to love.
Peas: Hmmm. I see where this is going. Watcha doing later stud?
Crusoe: Rowwwwrrrr.

[pause]

Crusoe: Hold on. Are you suggesting I'm rotund?
Peas: Well no....stocky, like.
Crusoe: Dack. I'm dack.
Peas: Of course you are.
Crusoe: I'm not fat.
Peas: I know.

[pause]

Crusoe: Dude, what's a perineum?
Peas: It's that layer of skin between your Johnson and your doetpipe. Your 'chommie'. You know, your mate.
Crusoe: What? It's just, like, a piece of skin, dude.
Peas: No dude. It 'keeps you out of the shit'. That's what an ex told me once.
Crusoe: You saying, without my perineum, or 'chommie', guys could stick their penis up their own doetpipe?
Peas: No dude. I'm not saying that.
Crusoe: 'Cos his penis would have to be about two feet long.
Peas: Correct. It's purpose is to keep your schlong from falling too low behind.
Crusoe: Well according to Wikipedia, chicks have perineums too.
Peas: No they don't. Trust me, I should know. I did the Argus and the 94.7. If I had a 'chommie', I wouldn't have needed padded cycling shorts.
Crusoe: Wikipedia says so.
Peas: Wikipedia is created by the common man. Who sometimes doesn't know what he/she is talking about.
Crusoe: I'm not rotund though.
Peas: Can I blog this conversation tomorrow?
Crusoe: Sure. Blog whatever the fuck you like.
Peas: Ta.

Latest infatuation of mine is stand-up comedy. I suppose it brightens the somewhat empty, cold nights.
Dane Cook: You know when you say things in bed? That seem really good at the time? 'Say it, just say it, it's perfect.' And you don't know where it comes from? Like, “pull my hair...oooh yeah...” and like that one time: “Hmmmmyeah! My dick feels like...corn.”
Luckily she didn't skip a beat, “Well bring on the butter baby, bring on the butter!”

He's a cocky, skinny dude. FYI.

18 comments:

kyknoord said...

Are you suggesting short, rotund guys don't have the capacity to be selfish, hung-up bastards? I resent that!

Peas on Toast said...

I am suggesting that perhaps NO ONE IS A STEREOTYPE.

Jeez, you men are sensitive. :)

Betenoir said...

How DARE you!!! if wikipedia says it, of COURSE it's true!!!!!!! you...infidel!

Third World Ant said...

Honey, honey, honey... when you have your first baby (by natural borth) you will discover the perils of the female perineum... ask Timmy next time you see him: women have a choice - have it snipped and resewn after the birth (with the risk of loss of something in the vagina - contour or some such) or risk it tearing - yes I said TEARING - during the birth. Once saw this happening on a school sex ed video, nearly threw up...

Peas on Toast said...

Bete - I try to push the envelope.

Ant - I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Dolce said...

I think that thing is the "cjommie" of women everywhere. One little tickle, and he's through the roof.

Peas on Toast said...

Dolce - you tickle his chommie?

Anonymous said...

If you enjoy stand up comedy, check out Mitch Hedberg or Brian Regan...both are hilarious.

Dolce said...

Indeed yes, my pink pea-like friend. Have you not tried the perineum tickle before. Even the teeniest of strokes is guarenteed to result in some interesting...um...results!

BTW. Thank fek you're in Jozi. My fetish for the tall ones is rampant.

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - thanks mate, will do!

Peas on Toast said...

Dolce - hmm, will give it a try when I'm next ensconced in the sack with a male figure. ;)

Revolving Credit said...

The reference to the 'chommie'being a guys best friend, is actually a reference to the female 'perineum'.

The inference being that when he is shagging you, it is this piece of skin that keeps him out of the shit.

Stated differently, if it did not exist, it would be a golfers dream,

a-hole-in-one!

Peas on Toast said...

Very profoundly put there, Rev.

Now just to determine whether you and Ant are talking shit or not.

Revolving Credit said...

Why not check it on wikipedia??
or just google that shit!!

I once got told that the 'chommie' or perineum was a place for a guy to rest his beer during cunnilingus.

I never could figure out the logistics of that though!!

Must be really twisted!

Chester Pillow said...

Ha ha ha, I have no comment!

Chantelle said...

Peas...

You are my new routine in the morning!
Get to work, get a cup of coffee IMMEDIATELY & read Peas' latest.

You make me laugh!

Have a fabulous weekend - if you can't be good I expect to read all the details on Monday!! ;-)

Cheers

8Ball said...

Geez Ant, I really did throw up a little in my mouth...I'd hate it if my girl lost some of her um "vagina contour"....all the more reason to stay away from being a daddy :)

Too hungover for poetry today peasy....besides nothing rhymes with perineum.

Ouch, my head really hurts...
need some love

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - we did Wikipedia it mate. But yes, one could probably balance one's beer on one's perineum. :)

Chester - and why not? ;)

Chantelle - thanks babe, and you have a wicked weekend yourself. xx

8Ball - sending love, sending oodles of cyber love. Phuza Thursday will do that to you.