Conversation with my boss yesterday:
Crusoe: Dude, your problem is that you fall in love with tall, cocky, skinny guys.
Peas: You might just be the fourth person who told me that in two months.
Crusoe: It's true. You're a female stereotype.
Peas: [splutter] No I am most certainly not. I resent that.
Crusoe: Well I catch you perving them all the time.
Peas: What are you suggesting dude? I go for rotund, short guys who aren't actually selfish, hung-up bastards? The very thought!
Crusoe: Yeah. They have the capacity to love.
Peas: Hmmm. I see where this is going. Watcha doing later stud?
Crusoe: Hold on. Are you suggesting I'm rotund?
Peas: Well no....stocky, like.
Crusoe: Dack. I'm dack.
Peas: Of course you are.
Crusoe: I'm not fat.
Peas: I know.
Crusoe: Dude, what's a perineum?
Peas: It's that layer of skin between your Johnson and your doetpipe. Your 'chommie'. You know, your mate.
Crusoe: What? It's just, like, a piece of skin, dude.
Peas: No dude. It 'keeps you out of the shit'. That's what an ex told me once.
Crusoe: You saying, without my perineum, or 'chommie', guys could stick their penis up their own doetpipe?
Peas: No dude. I'm not saying that.
Crusoe: 'Cos his penis would have to be about two feet long.
Peas: Correct. It's purpose is to keep your schlong from falling too low behind.
Crusoe: Well according to Wikipedia, chicks have perineums too.
Peas: No they don't. Trust me, I should know. I did the Argus and the 94.7. If I had a 'chommie', I wouldn't have needed padded cycling shorts.
Crusoe: Wikipedia says so.
Peas: Wikipedia is created by the common man. Who sometimes doesn't know what he/she is talking about.
Crusoe: I'm not rotund though.
Peas: Can I blog this conversation tomorrow?
Crusoe: Sure. Blog whatever the fuck you like.
Latest infatuation of mine is stand-up comedy. I suppose it brightens the somewhat empty, cold nights.
Dane Cook: You know when you say things in bed? That seem really good at the time? 'Say it, just say it, it's perfect.' And you don't know where it comes from? Like, “pull my hair...oooh yeah...” and like that one time: “Hmmmmyeah! My dick feels like...corn.”
Luckily she didn't skip a beat, “Well bring on the butter baby, bring on the butter!”
He's a cocky, skinny dude. FYI.