I witnessed the most unbelievable scenario over the weekend.
Men watching rugby. (That part is normal.) Whilst they were reading the heat magazine amongst themselves. (This part is not normal.)
Not only reading it, commenting on stuff, and other than the ginormous tits that adorn the aforementioned pages.
The screen was obliterated with Aussie and Kiwi rugby players. Where men are men and the ref is scared. A picture of testosterone, hair and scrotums. And yet:
Dude 1: Ooh look it's the Style Star page, what the fuck is Nicole Richie wearing?
Peas: Um, yeah it's hectic.
Dude 2: Ooooh look it's a... 'Cellulite Attack!'...What do you girls really think of Jake Gyllenhaal?
Peas: I'd let him do things to me that I wouldn't let any other guy even contemplate.
Dude 2: Even anal?
Dude 3: Would you guys please shut up! God, I'm changing couches.
Dude 1: But look at this chick's bum.
Dude 2: What's this about, 'bang me like a screen door in a hurricane, Johnny Depp?'
Dude 3: Dudes, for fuck's sake, fucking watch! The Aussies are creaming man.
Dude 2: But there's a whole section on Facebook and celebrities who do it.
Dude 3: Are you fucking kidding me? It's rugby! Oh my god, IT'S RUGBY and you're reading the fuc...hold on, did you just say Facebook and celebrities?
Peas: You can try and be Lee-Anne Liebenberg's mate, or you can just poke her if you want.
Dude 3: Yeah, that's not a bad idea...oh my God. What am I doing? FOCUS, jeeeezuz guys! Should we start manicuring each other's nails as well?
Dude 1: Gareth Cliff accepts anyone as his mate...interesting.
Maybe I'll be his mate, you know, just to see if he really does accept strangers.
Dude 2: Dude, you're so gay.
Dude 3: Oh my God. I'm leaving. Dudes, the fucking rugby, put the fucking magazine down.
Deny it all you want, we all know you read heat on the can or in bed. Rugby might be pushing it in many cases – but I fucking saw this with my very own eye.
(One was closed, due to mass alcohol consumption, and looking with two eyes made it hard to focus.) But I know what I saw. And I have witnesses.