Tuesday, July 03, 2007

heat is on

I witnessed the most unbelievable scenario over the weekend.

Men watching rugby. (That part is normal.) Whilst they were reading the heat magazine amongst themselves. (This part is not normal.)

Not only reading it, commenting on stuff, and other than the ginormous tits that adorn the aforementioned pages.

The screen was obliterated with Aussie and Kiwi rugby players. Where men are men and the ref is scared. A picture of testosterone, hair and scrotums. And yet:

Dude 1: Ooh look it's the Style Star page, what the fuck is Nicole Richie wearing?
Peas: Um, yeah it's hectic.
Dude 2: Ooooh look it's a... 'Cellulite Attack!'...What do you girls really think of Jake Gyllenhaal?
Peas: I'd let him do things to me that I wouldn't let any other guy even contemplate.
Dude 2: Even anal?
Peas: Aherm.
Dude 3: Would you guys please shut up! God, I'm changing couches.
Dude 1: But look at this chick's bum.
Dude 2: What's this about, 'bang me like a screen door in a hurricane, Johnny Depp?'
Dude 3: Dudes, for fuck's sake, fucking watch! The Aussies are creaming man.
Dude 2: But there's a whole section on Facebook and celebrities who do it.
Dude 3: Are you fucking kidding me? It's rugby! Oh my god, IT'S RUGBY and you're reading the fuc...hold on, did you just say Facebook and celebrities?
Peas: You can try and be Lee-Anne Liebenberg's mate, or you can just poke her if you want.
Dude 3: Yeah, that's not a bad idea...oh my God. What am I doing? FOCUS, jeeeezuz guys! Should we start manicuring each other's nails as well?
Dude 1: Gareth Cliff accepts anyone as his mate...interesting.
Maybe I'll be his mate, you know, just to see if he really does accept strangers.
Dude 2: Dude, you're so gay.
Dude 3: Oh my God. I'm leaving. Dudes, the fucking rugby, put the fucking magazine down.

Deny it all you want, we all know you read heat on the can or in bed. Rugby might be pushing it in many cases – but I fucking saw this with my very own eye.

(One was closed, due to mass alcohol consumption, and looking with two eyes made it hard to focus.) But I know what I saw. And I have witnesses.

39 comments:

Heddles said...

There are two kinds of Heat magazine readers. Those who read it at the hairdresser because it the only available literature (acceptable), those who subscribe (basically the same as watching WWE and Miss Universe replays regularly).

That’s it – I am definitely poking Gareth!

Peas on Toast said...

Heddles - Oh yes. It's funny though - cos every guy that comes to my flat (boyfriend and friend) will pick up the Heat if it's lying around. All busted!

On Gareth - I have a better idea: throw a haggis at him. :)

Peaches said...

Boys loving Heat - hillarious!

Peas on Toast said...

Peaches - I had a boyfriend who used to lock himself in the loo for hours so he could read the Cosmo and the Heat. It was his 'special alone time.'
:)

Heddles said...

really? when I left SA 2 years ago Gareth was in his prime i think. When you are resorting to befriending facebook rifraff i guess your time is over.

Peas on Toast said...

Heddles - well according to Heat (and it never lies), Gareth has around 2 250 mates. There are other DJs on it as well. But I think he accepts anyone for promotion reasons. I just wanna know if he's an addict like everyone else!

Heddles said...

Cripes. Well my aim in life has always been to be someone's mate # 2251. Will let you know how it goes.

Peas on Toast said...

Heddles - yeah, love feeling like just another number!

Betenoir said...

this only confirms what I have long suspected. yeah, right, they were only reading Cosmo for "research". I think the truth is pretty self-evident.

ChewTheCud said...

As of 9:05 Gareth has 4998 friends. Fuck around! Only 2 more to go. I reckon we should get all his friends to poke him at once.

Thats not a friends list though - its a bloody I like Gareth Cliff group ;)

Peas on Toast said...

Bete - research indeed! And actually, maybe that's good. Otherwise those with girlfriends would be getting spanners and hoovers for Christmas. :)

Chew - Shit!Looks like Heat did some good publicity for the Cliff. And totally, it's a group(ie).

kyknoord said...

I've always been extremely fond of the Cosmo lingerie issue. For the articles, of course.

jesus said...

Heat is a tool of Satan. I'm just sayin'

Peas on Toast said...

Kyk - yes, the intelligent rhetoric next to the models, is inspirational. Truly. :)

Jezuz - Which one is your tool? Cosmo?

kabintsimbi said...

Oh my god, I would have killed to have seen that!

And guys, we (all) love Jake Gyllenhaal...there are no words to describe how god-damn gorgeous that man is!

He could most definitely do bad things to naughty girls!

Hi Peas, long time! Hilarious as per usual!

jesus said...

I'm not much of a magazine reader myself, but Dad is quite fond of Watchtower.

Peas on Toast said...

Hi Kab! How you sunshine?
Yes Jake is my flavour of choice in any situation. Man he's adorable....

Jesus - Does Dad subscribe though?

Betenoir said...

personally I believe that Gareth Cliff has a lot in common with both spanners (he's a tool) and hoovers (he sucks). And I definitely don't want one for christmas.

8Ball said...

Gareth just asked to be my friend, says he likes my dry wit and blue eyes

Of course, I rejected him

Peas on Toast said...

Bete - I must say, I kinda like the Cliff myself. But not enough to be his random mate # 6745. :)

8Ball - ah...but did he poke you?

Revolving Credit said...

Chewy, dude, don't do it man, hold back, fight the urge, don't poke the Cliff.

Next thing you know you'll be subscribing to Cosmo and fantasising about Jake and Johnny during rugby..

Chester Pillow said...

Peas. You need to introduce your 'dudes' to Zoo Magazine...the male equivalent of Heat, and not as trashy as FHM. If there's a heat lying around, be asured, I'll read it! (but definitely not during any rugby!) ;-)

Leigh-Anne said...

Hi Peas, totally off the topic, but as you know I'm new to the whole blogging thing... Wanted to add your "I know Peas on Toast" button to my blog (yes, i'm such a show off!), but it doesn't work! and i'm such a newb, i can't figure out how to make it work! Any ideas?

Peas on Toast said...

Ches - I've heard Zoo is fantastic. But guaranteed if a Heat was lying in front of you while you were watching a game, you'd read it. :)

Peas on Toast said...

Leigh- Anne - serious? Yay! OK, if you click on it, it goes to a post where there is an HTML code. You just cope and paste that code into your template and it should work. Will check if it works this side too.

Chester Pillow said...

Ha ha, Peas...never! I don't even talk during rugby! Ask Ron Weasley's girlfriend!
Guys read cosmo too you know!
Leigh Anne, have you been helped?

Leigh-Anne said...

Um, I tried that and it didn't work... :-(

Chester Pillow said...

Leigh Anne. Did you goto 'Add page element' im your blog layout? Add an HTML emlement and paste Pea's "I know P on T' HTML string in there and click 'save'.

Peas on Toast said...

Ches - yeah right :) ha ha ha!

Leigh-Anne -


OK the code won't paste in here for some reason. But the badge does click to the page which will show the code, then copy and paste this, and Go to your template, and copy and paste it in there, whack it in next to your hits counter or wherever.

Leigh-Anne said...

It sort of works now, but has all sorts of other weird stuff around there as well... It looks a bit pooh, not displayed in all its glory...

Peas on Toast said...

L-Anne - Shit, it did that on The Ant's site as well. Dodgy! Not sure why? Myabe the border thingies have to come out. Will take it up with Vincent, he was the brainchild of the badge.

Leigh-Anne said...

Cool! Thanks Peas!

Anonymous said...

thought this might appeal to your interest/ obsession with chavs
http://ihate.org.uk/wiki/Chav_Jokes

Revolving Credit said...

Ok, all of you who have poked Gareth after reading this post, raise your hands!!

Chews, I'm somewhat concerned that you're raising both hands???WTF

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - yay! Thanks man. :)

Rev - hahahahahaha!

Suavé said...

Holy crizzap? Were these guy carrying man bags too?
Okay, I have no reason to front. I (might) read it too but only if I find it lying around and shit. Its pure eye candy thats all and I'm man enough to admit that. As for all that fashion shit, yeah well...erm...we'll leave that to them other fella's.

Strange times we live I say...

Peas on Toast said...

Suavie - hahahahah!!! C'mon admit it, you love it! Your lady buys one and you have to actually wait for her to finish it first. :)

he he he

Suavé said...

Hehehe, you funny!And I will not admit it, I dont love it. You can try beat it outta me but I aint budging. HAHA!

Peas on Toast said...

Suavie - you're safe here babe. I mean, Rev and Co. are poking Gareth Cliff. :)