It's the biggest event of the calendar year – the Durban July. People go here to:
1)Get so shitfaced they can't remember how to work the fine motor coordination of their facial muscles
2)Lunge other people. In places like tents, porter loos and in steaming piles of horse crap
3)To dress up and appear cool
4)To walk around in equine effluent, get caned, come right, move around in a pack, lose their doondies, illegally climb across razor wire to get into the cool tents, be seen, get drunker than Vladimir Putin after the Annual Russian Vodka-Off, graunch bottom feeders/mingers. Maybe bet on a horse, if there's time/you're not too blotto and can actually walk/you're not too busy sucking face.
It's a wannabe fuck fest. Except people get too drunk to close the deal.
Guys and dolls flock down there – mostly from the smoky lights of Joburg – to do all the things they usually do in Joburg, except near horses and horse by-product.
Please note the following is taken word for word.
This is how girls organise themselves for the July:
OMG it's only a wk! What u wearing & where u staying? Polka dot ensemble u were telling me about? Fucking pants don't fit, OMG. Hat, do you hav a hat? Where do we get hats? Do we need a hat? Is any1 else doing hats? Didn't u lose yours last yr, OMG.
This is how boys organise themselves for the July:
R3 135 – that is the price of immortality.
Hiring a Vito wagon to drive to Durban for the July – R3 135
Paying Scotty’s bail money – R500
Getting Rob a tetanus shot after he scores a munter – R250
Going down in folklore as biggest jol ever - R Priceless.
We need to hussle Gentlemen. There is no time for indecision.
Who will Rob pull:
Nobody - 5
An absolute hound dog's ass-like munter - 2
A belter - 0
Please place your bets.
Right now he is prepared to tackle anything with 2 legs and a heartbeat, and the heartbeat is optional. Beware gentlemen. Your mother's have two legs.
Once again, the male/female divide baffles me. And men are funny little fuckers.
PS: OK, OK, I've had enough. Home & Away has been removed – remoofed! - for two weeks. On the apex of Amanda's wedding fuck up, where her One Night Stand rocks up to destroy the ceremony. It has been replaced by another piece of Australian B-grade crap, and will only resume in two week bursts! What are you trying to do to me? Well it's fucking working. This is me very very very very x 4 000 annoyed.