It's the biggest event of the calendar year – the Durban July. People go here to:
1)Get so shitfaced they can't remember how to work the fine motor coordination of their facial muscles
2)Lunge other people. In places like tents, porter loos and in steaming piles of horse crap
3)To dress up and appear cool
4)To walk around in equine effluent, get caned, come right, move around in a pack, lose their doondies, illegally climb across razor wire to get into the cool tents, be seen, get drunker than Vladimir Putin after the Annual Russian Vodka-Off, graunch bottom feeders/mingers. Maybe bet on a horse, if there's time/you're not too blotto and can actually walk/you're not too busy sucking face.
It's a wannabe fuck fest. Except people get too drunk to close the deal.
Guys and dolls flock down there – mostly from the smoky lights of Joburg – to do all the things they usually do in Joburg, except near horses and horse by-product.
Please note the following is taken word for word.
This is how girls organise themselves for the July:
SMS:
OMG it's only a wk! What u wearing & where u staying? Polka dot ensemble u were telling me about? Fucking pants don't fit, OMG. Hat, do you hav a hat? Where do we get hats? Do we need a hat? Is any1 else doing hats? Didn't u lose yours last yr, OMG.
This is how boys organise themselves for the July:
Email:
Gentlemen,
R3 135 – that is the price of immortality.
Hiring a Vito wagon to drive to Durban for the July – R3 135
Paying Scotty’s bail money – R500
Getting Rob a tetanus shot after he scores a munter – R250
Going down in folklore as biggest jol ever - R Priceless.
We need to hussle Gentlemen. There is no time for indecision.
Munter Hunter
Who will Rob pull:
Nobody - 5
An absolute hound dog's ass-like munter - 2
A belter - 0
Please place your bets.
Right now he is prepared to tackle anything with 2 legs and a heartbeat, and the heartbeat is optional. Beware gentlemen. Your mother's have two legs.
Once again, the male/female divide baffles me. And men are funny little fuckers.
PS: OK, OK, I've had enough. Home & Away has been removed – remoofed! - for two weeks. On the apex of Amanda's wedding fuck up, where her One Night Stand rocks up to destroy the ceremony. It has been replaced by another piece of Australian B-grade crap, and will only resume in two week bursts! What are you trying to do to me? Well it's fucking working. This is me very very very very x 4 000 annoyed.
23 comments:
Typical male Durban July form.
Enjoy it Peas, was a Pink Punter the last two years and it rocked big time! Super miffed that I have to work over the July this year.
ps: And yes, you do need a hat, particularly one of the spray painted disco pink variety
I've got a hundred bucks on "nobody" (sorry, Rob).
I think I know what happened to your hat, by the way. Kevin's using to pick up DSTV.
Peaches - I was a pink punter last year too! So much fun. Will have muchos drinks for you. :)
Kyk - I knew a Durban male had something to do with it's demise. ;)
Omg, I was going to skip this year, but you have officially inspired me to do the July again this year. Fook man, now I gotta go shopping!
Wow. those guys sound like winners to me! I'ma move to Joburg RIGHT NOW! Ugh.
Now here an alternate guy view.
Don't bail Scotty out, he's fucker when he's pissed so just leave him there.
Chances are that Rob's not going to score, so why bother with the tetanus shot.
Look I just saved you R750, more money for booze and seeing as Rob is still incarcerated, less people to drink it.
Just a warning, anything with 2 legs and a heartbeat??
You telling the guys that their moms should watchout!!
Well, by definition, all these guys have 2 legs (plus a spare) and a heartbeat, so maybe they should watchout.Who knows what grab Robs fancy when he's pissed.
PS. It's called Home & Away, right.
Well this is the Away part.
Sheena - yes, yes! Shop, shop! Just avoid Rob when you're there :)
Bete - the classiest okes come from Joies. No, really. :(
Rev - ...and let's hope the boys take your advice on reading this! :)
I think the biggest difference between girls and boys is that boys are intimidated by our balls...
After all, ours are bigger than theirs, and proudly displayed on our chests...!
If guys are so intimidated by your balls, why are they constantly trying to get their hands on them??
Because they want them for themselves! Think about how proprietorial boys usually are over their chicks' boobs?
So therefore it is not intimidated but more mesmerised.
I think you are confusing fear with envy!
PS. Guys only wants boobs if they're on you.
No-one wants man-boobs.
As long as we can touch/fondle them, we're happy!
(maybe with a bit of light suckling and a touch of nibbling)
Shit, that made me hungry..off to lunch I go.
Yussie neh. You know I will be there. I will call you in a rather drunken state and demand you introduce me to some fine female specimen. I will put in a good word for you - I'll be at a site with 25 - 30 year old successful, single males.
It's a win-win Peasy!
The Pink Punter has no Munter!
Rev - Enjoy your milkshake ;)
Rev & Leigh-Anne - tee hee, I tend to agree with Leigh-Anne my dear. You're intimidated and that's why you wanna touch them. :)
Kevvie - it's a win-win! Best we collaborate! :)
Chester - no? then how come last year I...nevermind :)
Sigh! Wish I could've been there with you this year... although my feet are still aching after walking around in ridiculous heels for umpteen hours... place a bet on horse #13 in any race for me, will ya?
Ant - I know, I'm gonna miss you this year too! Not to mention pulling drapes down and helping ourselves to buffet meals. :(
Will definitely put a bet down for you!
WOMANS BOOBS ARE REALLY TESTICLES, NOOOOOOOOO..Wait a minute! Then what are nipples?! And Moobs?
Peas, nevermind?
Ches - can't remember. I was too caned. :)
Do you have moobs my boy?
Did you not see me with my shirt off!
Ches - um...not this year? I don't think?
;)
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