You know those stupid forward emails people send around - Fill this in and tell me all your stupid personal crap no-one is really interested in?
Well I do those.
I forwarded mine to The Dove, as one of the super lucky recipients of my address book. This is what I got back:
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
My grandfather. Consider this a labour of love, I have shit to do, and I am enduring this.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
When I received this mail.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING
I have three types.
4. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
No. Thank fuck for that.
5. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
On a normal day, maybe.
6. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Is Scunthorpe boring on a wet day with the pubs closed?
7. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS
Um, how in fuck's name is that going to interest anyone? 'Tonsilitis
8. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
'Bungee' hmmm, I recognise that word... or is it 'bungy'? Either
way, what is the meaning of this particular 'bungee'? Cos I'm not
sure if I would jump off a hippie's description of themselves...
9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
'Not a big fan, but if I had a gun to my head: coco pops.' (and if
you you were just seriously hungry?)
10. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Again, Shoelace Party?
11. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG?
I know someone with that surname.
12. RED OR PINK?
You buying me some curtains?
13. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I'm fearful as fuck about failure fancy falliteration.
14. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
15. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU?
Yes. Beat this one Tart.
16. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
My patience. And curry rice.
17. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The sound of my unenthusiastic fingers tapping away at this bullshit.
18. IF YOU WHERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Is a 2-year old drawing what she considers to be 'mickey mouse' with
me? if that's the case, no colour. Or maybe sludge green. They're not
fond of that.
19. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
20. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Fuck this is long.
21. EYE COLOR?
22. FAVORITE FOOD?
23. WHY HAVE YOU ENDED THIS EARLY AND NOT PERSEVERED TO THE END?
WOULD YOU SAY YOU'RE AN IMPATIENT TART?
Possibly. Adios amiga xx
This is why I love her.