Wednesday, July 25, 2007

a letter to all who live around me

The family of about thousand kids: The 18 000 sticks of incense? Right. It's a little heavy; it's a little completely overwhelming, actually. I may have the odd smell of burning toast expelling itself out my door, but you have 18 000 pieces of shit smelling incense smoking away in the public passageway. Oh and yes, some guys sleep over sometimes, which doesn't mean I'm bonking their brains out. Your hairy eyeball isn't going to change that.

The lady a wall away: Ignore me, bitch who lives like, right next door. I've invited you to our house parties, you've turned them down, is that my problem? Seriously? THEN DON'T TURN YOUR NOSE UP AT MICHAEL BOLTON. I had to experience your James Blunt infatuation over and over again as it is.

Lucas, The Security Guard: Not every guy I bring home is a sexual conquest. Try and think about this. I have guy friends, so don't frigging poke them, give them shit, give ME shit for having guy friends over for a glass of vino or coffee. I don't care if you a little over-protective and supposedly look after my friend's cars parked on the pavement that still get stolen – I HAVE MALE FRIENDS. Deal with this and stop embarrassing me by asking me if I boofed them in front of them. Or how much lobola they plan to pay. I love you and all, but this stops. Today.

The dude who has the weird door: I'm never gonna have sex with you, ok? So stop giving me your shag eyes, you have a hairstyle like Bernie Mac and you're married. I don't care if you're going through mid-life crisis and own a new Porsche, I'd rather shag Riaan Cruywagen. And I'd rather not shag Riaan Cruywagen if I had the choice.

Mrs Goldberg, upstairs: You spy on me, don't think I don't know.
Who comes in, who comes out, who cums at all.
And I sometimes stumble in after a few too many. So sue me.

The Nigerians on the other side of the garden: I heard a shot coming from your apartment last Saturday 8:23 pm. Please don't involve me in your crack syndicate. I'll turn a blind eye.

The horny couple across the garden: Please stop walking around naked with the curtains open. Especially when you folks are dancing. I know I dance like an ostrich on ecstasy, but I'm exempt because I have no rhythm. Admittedly, you're sometimes entertaining.

The family two doors down: Your cochlear-breaking bass is quite something. My music might make you want to hurl the George Forman grill into the bath tub, but I thought we had an unspoken agreement about loud [cheesy]music. Not that you've complained, but in case you were thinking of complaining.

The couple in 205: You're ok, you can stay.

To all my guests that have been to my house: Personal apology. A friend pointed out last night that she was once served tea in my Pussy! A tasty little meal in a box mug.
I don't jest, but I've had the dang thing so long, I forget that any new dude the scene may actually read it when I serve him tea. I mean, I've served my parents tea in this cup. I didn't buy this cup, I'll tell you that much. They probably all think I like a bit of carpet on the side, or I just love third base so much, I had to buy a mug to tell the world. Whatever. The mug is going straight to the pool room.

61 comments:

Betenoir said...

uhm. Okay, when i first read that last one, I read "she was once served tea in my pussy", which sounds both unhygenic and painful.

Peas on Toast said...

Bete - oh my Jesus.

I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Anonymous said...

I think u enjoy staring at the naked couple haha :)

Peas on Toast said...

Anon - and so what if I did.
:)

Billy said...

Loved the post! Brilliant.

Revolving Credit said...

Peas, now pretend that you were another tenant in the block and write one of these messages to yourself.

Peas on Toast said...

Billy - thanks doll :)

Rev - OK, fair's fair right?

Dear Peas On Shut Your Fucking Music Off:

Your music, excessive howling into a microphone and parncing around in your birthday suit is getting stale. Start stripping, and then we'll stop complaining.
From your neighbours.
xxxx

Chester Pillow said...

Riaan Cruywagen lives in your complex????????

thescott said...

and the couple in 204 are totally cool.

still waiting for the "pop-in".

Peas on Toast said...

Ches - you won't believe it. Apartment 408. ;)

Thescott - ha ha, I meant 204, instead of 205! That's YOU guys. :)

Yes, we have to do wine and soon!

Chester Pillow said...

Right! I'm coming over tonight! Sure Kreeffie Cruywagen would mind a little autograph..

Peas on Toast said...

Ches - I'll tell him to have the toupe on for the occasion. ;)

Chester Pillow said...

Woohoo! Wait till I tell Dobby and Kinilau!

Revolving Credit said...

Personally, I think that Riaan Cruywagen is an escapee from Madame Tussauds.

That guys hasn't visibly aged in 20 years!

Peas on Toast said...

Ches - we can all do tea. Bless.

Rev - He's a flipping robot, I'm telling you.

ekke said...

I can't wait until Lucas The Security Dude meets a guy with whom you actually DID refresh yourself horizontally. There's gonna be all kinds of Top Gun High Five'ing going on...

Peas on Toast said...

Ekke - Ha ha! Top Gun High Fiving! I like that.

That's already happened. With real boyfriends. But then he gets all 'lobola' on their ass, and demands they pay up.

Once he was like, "You gonna marry her or what?"

Blind.

ekke said...

Hmm.

So they tap that ass, he gets on their ass, and then everyone stands areund like asses blushing madly?

There's a sitcom in that somewhere. Imma call Jon Ritter.

Wait he's dead.

ekke said...

'areund'?
Holy hell.

Peas on Toast said...

Ekke - me and Ant thought of putting a webcam up in the lobby/entrance hall. It would make some pretty mindless entertainment. :)

Revolving Credit said...

This all makes Luc-ass sounds like your pimp!

It's like a bit of tap-n-pay!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - he thinks he's my pimp. Big difference.

Revolving Credit said...

Well, if any of your guys friends have given him any money whatsoever, guess what, he is your pimp!

Peas on Toast said...

Rev - well one of them gave him stuff every now and then - leftovers and bits and pieces. Hmmm.

kyknoord said...

Maybe the dudes can buy Lucas off with some biltong as "dried lobola". I have mug like that at home. You also get yours at Boardmans?

Peas on Toast said...

Welcome back Kyk to the land of the cyberly living. :)

No, my mug comes from AUSTRALIA. Only the best, most roughest stuff in the world comes from Oz! :)

(How much you pay for yours? Two feefty? You're drayming.)

ekke said...

"So, uh, Lucas... How much to, ah, biff the griffin in the flat round the corner there?"

"Eish, well, the last guy to have a go gave me some leftover bobotie and half-eaten slice of malva, so I reckon she's yours for a Chicky Meal, at least..."

tyrone said...

PEAS! Brilliant post m'gal.

Betcha don't know who has a phobia of Riaan?

Peas on Toast said...

Ekke - A Chicky Meal? A CHICKY MEAL?

It's a sad day when guys aren't willing to bring out the norwegian salmon. :)

Tyrone - thanks m'dear! :)
K, so tell me about your Riaan phobia...

ekke said...

Hy, don't blame me, Lucas is the one with the low-costing model.

I would have at least let you keep the toy.

But I'm a gentleman. :)

tyrone said...

Peas, Chuch has the phobia not me! :-)

And, in my opinion I prefer it when guys leave their Salmon pieces out of sight. You know what they say about having more than one Salmon at a time.

tyrone said...

Chuch should read Chuck...

Bang goes any inkling of a punchline!

Peas on Toast said...

As in the formidable Chuck Norris himself?

ekke said...

"You know what they say about having more than one Salmon at a time"

Careful of the wet, slippery bits?

Revolving Credit said...

Please leave the spawning salmon out of this - you saw what happened to Ekke's duvet yesterday.

Now that was really Twister'd.

tyrone said...

The very same. Riaan taught him everything he knows...

Ekke, therein lies the storysum! One Salmon is fine for any number of slippery bits! BUT, you should never have more than one Salmon.

Peas on Toast said...

You know, I always love the perves. The dudes with the Twisted minds.

I have a serious weakness for them.
But I agree about the spawning trout.

tyrone said...

I'm more twisted than a corkscrew. A regular piece of liquorice rope. Smirnoff brand ambassador.

My shrink loves me. 25% of her monthly turnover.

tyrone said...

And I'm hoping you agree on both counts:

1) Let's avoid more than one Salmon at a time.

2) Let's avoid more of Ekke's duvet.

Revolving Credit said...

So Peas, do you like a good mouthfull of salmon?

ekke said...

Surely that against her Hippowossname oath?

Revolving Credit said...

Sorry, no twisted here.
I'm am straight laced and normal, there is nothing at all twisted about me at all.
(Thats my view and I'm sticking to it)

Tyrone, dude, you plaited your penis into a liquorice rope??

You could be the poster penis for Beacon!

Strange yet impressive, but I reckon the is world of ours, it does take All Sorts.

ekke said...

Avoiding the duvet is easy. It's the sheets and rubber mat that get a bit tricksy.

tyrone said...

You mean you haven't plaited your penis? China, why the hell not?

Wait, you mean it's not normal? Oh dear me. I'm a freak.

tyrone said...

So now what if I took a photo of my twister and sent it to Beacon with a request for a sponsorship? Or to be brand ambassador.

Whatcha think?

Revolving Credit said...

Don't touch the bedroom curtains either, you never know where he's wiped it!

Ekke, you have a rubber mat in your bed???
Well, that one way of avoiding the wetspot I suppose!

ekke said...

Firstly - I want to be the kind of man that can plait his willy.

Secondly - rubber mats are the awesomest things ever. You know why? I'll tell you. It's basically science, your typical quadratic equation thingumbob:

Rubber Mat + A Bit Of A Pomp = Slip 'n Slide + Slip Inside.

Hooray for science!

tyrone said...

Why do you need a rubber mat to slip inside?

ekke said...

Come round my place around seven and I'll show you.

Bring something to bite down on.

tyrone said...

I have a Salmon. You LIKE Salmon?

ekke said...

Only if it's fresh and smacks of the sea.

Rivers.

Streams.

Thingy...

Peas on Toast said...

You guys having fun in here?

Hilarious :)

ekke said...

Sorry, who are you again?

;)

Peas on Toast said...

I'm just the random chick looking in.
;)

ThomG said...

OK, Peas, here you go: http://thomg.blogspot.com/2007/07/welcome-to-wibble.html

tyrone said...

Feel free to join in Peas. As long as you come without Salmon you're welcome.

Revolving Credit said...

Dude, you put a rubber mat in your bed and then use your mad-juice to turn it into a foofy-slide????

That is just nasty!!

Tyrone & Ekke: Now, to be able to plait your penis would imply that you have sliced it into 3 or more lengths so that you have the various pieces to plait with.

(Now no-one is slicing my willy!!)

Alternatively, you plaited 2 other penises (meaning 2 other guys) with yours to create one plaited strand.
Now, Tyrone, that may do it for you but is not exactly what I view as my ideal 3-some!!

tyrone said...

Like I said, I'm a one-salmon kinda guy!

As for splicing it? Hmmmmm.

Peas on Toast said...

ThonG - thanks so much my dear!
I've added you onto the blogroll as well. ;)

ekke said...

Oh Rev, you're such a square...

Live a little. Slice your willy.

ekke said...

Funnily enough, that's not the first time I've said that.